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living with woman with Borderline Personality Disorder; I am an abused guy

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  • #31
    I had a neighbor whose wife was a diagnosed borderline. He took a very Zen like approach. He'd married her for better or worse, and when she went off her meds and stole stuff or disappeared, that was some of the worse. He did the best he could, enjoying her good days, and living a life slightly apart from her on her bad days.

    I have no advice, just the anecdote.
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

    B*tch-lite

    Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

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    • #32
      My advice is to get out. Life is short and you need to enjoy it.

      My first marriage was to a woman with BPD. It was hell. The day she slapped her daughter silly was when I left. Her entire family avoids her and I am still on good relations with them. I later met a wonderful woman and been very happy since. Finding the right person is huge in life.

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      • #33
        Remember that personality disorders are considered almost completely untreatable and they tend to get more severe with age. So your partner is NEVER going to change. No matter how much you think they may change. They won't. They will get worse.

        I have watched my sister destroy her family because of her personality disorder.

        If you can get out, do it. And like everyone said, get your ducks in a row before saying a word. Then when you are ready, make it quick and clean.
        Using low lectin/nightshade free primal to control autoimmune arthritis. (And lost 50 lbs along the way )

        http://www.krispin.com/lectin.html

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        • #34
          Originally posted by jammies View Post
          Remember that personality disorders are considered almost completely untreatable and they tend to get more severe with age. So your partner is NEVER going to change. No matter how much you think they may change. They won't. They will get worse.

          I have watched my sister destroy her family because of her personality disorder.

          If you can get out, do it. And like everyone said, get your ducks in a row before saying a word. Then when you are ready, make it quick and clean.
          BPD actually decreases with age and can is often 'grown out of' by women in their 40's.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by Dexy View Post
            BPD actually decreases with age and can is often 'grown out of' by women in their 40's.
            Wow - that is surprising to me. All the reading I have done regarding my family member said it will worsen with age - although she has something closer to narcissistic personality disorder, so maybe that is it?

            Do you have any references or links you could share. I'd love to read about that.
            Using low lectin/nightshade free primal to control autoimmune arthritis. (And lost 50 lbs along the way )

            http://www.krispin.com/lectin.html

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            • #36
              Originally posted by jammies View Post
              Wow - that is surprising to me. All the reading I have done regarding my family member said it will worsen with age - although she has something closer to narcissistic personality disorder, so maybe that is it?

              Do you have any references or links you could share. I'd love to read about that.
              I have one book reference, written for the lay person, by a clinical psychologist with 30 years in the field: "Emotional Vampires" by Dr. Albert J. Bernstein. I have read this book myself, twice, and it deals with different personality disorders. You can trace this information all the way back to the DSM-IV, if you care to.

              What I am aware of also states that personality disorders are damn near incurable. They can be worked on if the person so affected wishes to go to long-term, extensive therapy, but what personality-disturbed person is going to do that??
              I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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              • #37
                Dado, if you are married, or in a long term relationship that is legally recognized, I recommend this book:
                Amazon.com: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (9781608820252): Randi Kreger, Bill Eddy LCSW JD: Books

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                • #38
                  You know, eating proper foods may help. Just be warned, I know from experience that insanity worstens while withdrawing from crap. I've driven three people to meltdowns since my birthday screw up and I still haven't started feeling guilty about it.
                  In all of the universe there is only one person with your exact charateristics. Just like there is only one person with everybody else's characteristics. Effectively, your uniqueness makes you pretty average.

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
                    I have one book reference, written for the lay person, by a clinical psychologist with 30 years in the field: "Emotional Vampires" by Dr. Albert J. Bernstein. I have read this book myself, twice, and it deals with different personality disorders. You can trace this information all the way back to the DSM-IV, if you care to.

                    What I am aware of also states that personality disorders are damn near incurable. They can be worked on if the person so affected wishes to go to long-term, extensive therapy, but what personality-disturbed person is going to do that??
                    Narcisstic and sociopathic disordes are the only ones where treatment is near impossible because part of the condition never allows therapy to be sought. BPDs will recieve treatment, usually through hospital admissions as they present with such an extreme set of behaviours such as issues with self-harm, eatings disorders, drug and alcohol abuse and suicide attempts.

                    Personality disorders are 'set' by the age of 3. They are always the result of trauma, neglect, abuse or a mixture of all of these. However, it can be hard to remain sympathetic when someone is behaving so badly. I think to pack up and leave is helpful to them in the long run, staying with them only enables and prolongs their bad behaviour.

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                    • #40
                      I'm watching a marriage breakdown.... the wife is mentally ill. She has an eating disorder, depression, and god knows what else. The husband is at a loss, cheating on his wife. She basically has him hostage, threatening to kill herself if he leaves. She has been taken to the hospital and involuntarily committed 4 times. She tried to stab her husband. There are no children.

                      I'd just go. Alone is better than being with someone making your miserable that can't or won't get help.

                      http://maggiesfeast.wordpress.com/
                      Check out my blog. Hope to share lots of great recipes and ideas!

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                      • #41
                        Leave, leave, leave- its not worth it and they never change. They may learn to mimic normal behavior, but that's only when they realize that the consequences of their bullshit create penalties for them. BPD's cannot be medicated into "normal" people. Schizophrenics have a better chance FFS. Even if she seems trustworthy and legit, she'll be splitting behind your back, splitting other relationships with other people, and you'll be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your life. Just GTFO. I was in an abusive marriage. It's very hard to get off the roller coaster, but there is peace, love, harmony, and STRENGTH on the other side.

                        Just do it. And if you're married get lawyered up. Don't listen to what Saoirse said- no divorce lawyer has ever walked into someone's life and demanded to clean up someone else's mess. It's just going to be a crazy time for you and you want to be lawyered up. If you're not married and have no joint assets, SAVE YOURSELF.

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                        • #42
                          Does she have insight into her behaviour? If not, maybe leave some books around and suggest a therapist.

                          i know it doesn't help to suggest it is a mental health issue or imply it is not her fault, when it is a personality disorder and it doesn't mean you should stay,there is no point you both being miserable. You will become one of no doubt many destroyed relationships in her life.

                          Make it a clean definite break.

                          Obviously if there are kids involved, it will be messy.

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                          • #43
                            I don't disagree with the advice to leave. But if you don't choose to right away, try to think of her as a 5 year old child who has suffered terrible abuse. Set boundaries for how much you can take care of her, and inside those boundaries take care of her as if she was a child.
                            __________________________
                            age 56, type 2 diabetes, swimmer
                            low carb since 2006 thanks to Jenny, primal since Jan. 2012

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                            • #44
                              People in an online forum can be a major help to you, many times better than actual family and friends in your everyday life.
                              They give great thought and superb advice to you, pray/meditate for your well being and send out positive reinforcement to you.
                              I/we hope you're doing okay and doing all you can to protect yourself.

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by JoanieL View Post
                                I had a neighbor whose wife was a diagnosed borderline. He took a very Zen like approach. He'd married her for better or worse, and when she went off her meds and stole stuff or disappeared, that was some of the worse. He did the best he could, enjoying her good days, and living a life slightly apart from her on her bad days.

                                I have no advice, just the anecdote.
                                The issue with this, and the other people encouraging him to stay, is that staying with someone with BPD is an excellent way to die, end up in the hospital or jail, or worse.
                                Lifting Journal

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