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  • Emotional/ Relationship advice

    Hi all,

    Not really a question about being primal but though this would be a nice place to get some advice.

    Clearly I cannot explain in detail me relationship and I know I am 'in the wrong' and my girlfriend has a right to be upset with me but I need some advice with coping with it.

    Ok here goes:
    I am not 26. I had a bit of a rough childhood and from the age of about 12 I started smoking and drinking. At 14 I started smoking cannabis and by 16 I was frequently taking ecstasy. I stopped taking drugs but continued to drink at 18. And then I met my current wonderful girlfriend when I was 22 have stopped with it all. Now lead a 'natural' primal lifestyle with lots of exercise and good 'clean' fun.

    However I have found since about the age of 23. I have not really had any 'feelings' I feel rather numb all the time. If any of you have seen the TV show 'Dexter' I am a bit like that. I remember what emotions are like and my mind tells me when I should be feeling something so I pretend to feel it. I think this could be because of the chemically induced highs I would give myself. Now my natural feeling are not as strong because I have felt 'ecstasy' with drugs.

    This clearly has caused a lot of upset for my girlfriend. As much as I tried to hide it from her. she knows me better than I know myself and she could just tell. So we had a few chats and she has shed many tears while I looked at her completely unable to empathise with anything she was saying.

    I have done some research online and the symptoms of being numb are a sign of depression so after trying to 'cure myself' for about one year (this is how I became primal) I realised not much had changed apart from my physical health. So I decided to go to the doctors and get anti -depressants. The first month I got worse. It was like the anti depressants MADE me depressed. At least before I felt nothing, now I was feeling really low and miserable. some days I couldn't get out of bed. This all effected my girlfriend a lot. She found it hard to see me like that.

    Things then got better and I am now feeling great. I am like happy all the time. But even if I should get upset or angry at something I can't I am in a constant state of thinking everything is wonderful.

    2 weeks ago I went on holiday and last week I came back to work and realised how much I hate my job. Every evening I went home being moody. I withdrew from my girlfriend and became 'cold'
    She has now got really really upset. She says I have gone back to how I was before and that she cannot cope. She spent a while crying and telling me how much I was hurting her. But the icing on the cake was that I was not 'feeling' what she was saying. I was listening and pretending to be interested but I really wasn't I just wanted to go outside and play. And she noticed. She said I didn't care and that she could not believe I was being like that and told me she does not want to speak to me, look at me or be with me and to leave her alone for a few days.

    I have no idea what to do or say. I still do not feel much so I can't apologise she will know it is meaningless. And I know that all of this has been a roller-coaster of emotions for her. I fully appreciate why she is upset and how hard this is on her and how wonderful she is to have stuck with me through this. I just feel like a deflated balloon.

    What do I do? I know I love her because when I am with her it is the only time I feel human and not just a zombie. She is the only one who could make me smile before the pills. Now I smile all the time.

    I guess I do not know why this week I have been so moody when before I was great. I could wake up tomorrow really happy again. But I still wouldn't be able to empathize with the pain I have caused her.....

    Will the anti depressants change that? I only have 2 months left and then I am coming off them.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I know I have not really asked anything. I just needed to 'talk'

  • #2
    It sounds like maybe you need a break from the relationship. At least until you see how you feel off the meds. It could be you two just aren't cut out for each other long term though. It's tough to face that, but if you can't fix it and you're both not on the same emotional plane, that may be the case.

    I know that anti-depressants can cause as many problems as they help for some people. The feeling good part is nice, but sometimes you 'need' to feel everything. It's nature's way of helping us know that we need to make changes.
    Seven Trees Farm - diversified subsistence farming on 1.25 acres.

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    • #3
      It is very possible that the drug use has messed up something firing in your brain and you are numb/damaged (as in, there is actual damage to the chemical function/response of your brain) as a result. If you have not felt a difference on the anti-depressants after a few weeks, I would not continue them, personally.

      I don't have answers for you. I think I understand what you are trying to deal with. You should consider that some of what you are/aren't feeling is due to the way you were raised, as well. Have you considered talk therapy? Sometimes you just need to talk.

      If there is "damage", I feel like you may be helped overtime with a good diet (which you are already doing) and some supplementation (not sure what book to direct you to, but "The Mood Cure" has some good basic info on how amino acids can help/affect depression and mood disorders), you may be able to recover to some degree.
      Depression Lies

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      • #4
        Have you talked to your girlfriend about you feel/don't feel? I have some personal experience with someone who feels the way you do and it CAN work in a relationship. Or it has for me, so far. I think this is something that you could have a calm, rational discussion about whether or not the relationship should continue as you sort yourself out, but the fact that you're having issues should not straight off the bat mean it has to end.
        Depression Lies

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by sm270 View Post
          Hi all,

          Not really a question about being primal but though this would be a nice place to get some advice.

          Clearly I cannot explain in detail me relationship and I know I am 'in the wrong' and my girlfriend has a right to be upset with me but I need some advice with coping with it.

          Ok here goes:
          I am not 26. I had a bit of a rough childhood and from the age of about 12 I started smoking and drinking. At 14 I started smoking cannabis and by 16 I was frequently taking ecstasy. I stopped taking drugs but continued to drink at 18. And then I met my current wonderful girlfriend when I was 22 have stopped with it all. Now lead a 'natural' primal lifestyle with lots of exercise and good 'clean' fun.

          However I have found since about the age of 23. I have not really had any 'feelings' I feel rather numb all the time. If any of you have seen the TV show 'Dexter' I am a bit like that. I remember what emotions are like and my mind tells me when I should be feeling something so I pretend to feel it. I think this could be because of the chemically induced highs I would give myself. Now my natural feeling are not as strong because I have felt 'ecstasy' with drugs.

          This clearly has caused a lot of upset for my girlfriend. As much as I tried to hide it from her. she knows me better than I know myself and she could just tell. So we had a few chats and she has shed many tears while I looked at her completely unable to empathise with anything she was saying.

          I have done some research online and the symptoms of being numb are a sign of depression so after trying to 'cure myself' for about one year (this is how I became primal) I realised not much had changed apart from my physical health. So I decided to go to the doctors and get anti -depressants. The first month I got worse. It was like the anti depressants MADE me depressed. At least before I felt nothing, now I was feeling really low and miserable. some days I couldn't get out of bed. This all effected my girlfriend a lot. She found it hard to see me like that.

          Things then got better and I am now feeling great. I am like happy all the time. But even if I should get upset or angry at something I can't I am in a constant state of thinking everything is wonderful.

          2 weeks ago I went on holiday and last week I came back to work and realised how much I hate my job. Every evening I went home being moody. I withdrew from my girlfriend and became 'cold'
          She has now got really really upset. She says I have gone back to how I was before and that she cannot cope. She spent a while crying and telling me how much I was hurting her. But the icing on the cake was that I was not 'feeling' what she was saying. I was listening and pretending to be interested but I really wasn't I just wanted to go outside and play. And she noticed. She said I didn't care and that she could not believe I was being like that and told me she does not want to speak to me, look at me or be with me and to leave her alone for a few days.

          I have no idea what to do or say. I still do not feel much so I can't apologise she will know it is meaningless. And I know that all of this has been a roller-coaster of emotions for her. I fully appreciate why she is upset and how hard this is on her and how wonderful she is to have stuck with me through this. I just feel like a deflated balloon.

          What do I do? I know I love her because when I am with her it is the only time I feel human and not just a zombie. She is the only one who could make me smile before the pills. Now I smile all the time.

          I guess I do not know why this week I have been so moody when before I was great. I could wake up tomorrow really happy again. But I still wouldn't be able to empathize with the pain I have caused her.....

          Will the anti depressants change that? I only have 2 months left and then I am coming off them.

          Any advice would be appreciated. I know I have not really asked anything. I just needed to 'talk'
          1st forget about your girlfriend. She doesn't matter in the context of this discussion. You've been with her four years, and so what your a bit emotionless. Does this matter to you? Or only your girlfriend?

          1st. Get off the antidepressants, maybe the drugs did screw you up a bit, but I'm pretty sure the anti depressants making you feel happy all the time is just your new drug.

          2nd: Explain to your girlfriend this is how you are. Don't fake emotion around her. Tell her she can accept you or leave.

          3rd: There are people out there who don't have extreme emotions and that's ok. Emotions get a bit more mellow as you age as well. Or maybe your just not that into your girlfriend? Sometimes people just have to move on.

          I think the reason that you don't empathize is because you and your gf are not on the same wavelength. After four years, people either grow together or grow apart. It sounds to me that the things that weren't a big deal in the beginning are becoming a big deal for her as she gets older. That's totally reasonable on her part, and you two just have to move on. Don't take drugs to please her they are almost never the answer.

          Comment


          • #6
            Hey dude, didn't want to read and run, It's kidz bedtime now so hectic for next hour or so, but I'll reply properly later.

            all the best
            You know all those pictures of Adam and Eve where they have belly button? Think about it..................... take as long as you need........................

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            • #7
              Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
              Starting Weight: 294 pounds
              Current Weight: 235 pounds
              Goal Weight: 195 pounds

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              • #8
                Inform yourself on autism and similar- the spectrum is wide. Therapy might help work through that rough childhood- prob have to face that sooner or later. Good luck!

                Comment


                • #9
                  If your girlfriend is miserable with you, she should leave. I'd recommend a therapist. Figure out if this part of yourself bothers you, or if you're just bothered that she is upset by it. Two totally different things.

                  GAPS diet says it can help heal emotional disorders that are caused by gut inflammation and buildup of toxicity in the brain & elsewhere....for the price of a book, you might get some significant relief.

                  From an online article : "The combination of available evidence shows that MDMA use is correlated with a small but significant increase in levels of clinical depression"

                  Good luck!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    [Hey, so first a bit about me, I've done my fair share of drugs, starting drinking and smoking at 13, never was a into 'E' plenty of acid, some speed, mushrooms, and of course weed, and a pretty bad habit with solvents at one point too, till a kid in school died from solvent abuse. I have also been through some pretty bleak periods of clinical depression, all is good now, I'm 36, happy, poor, lovely mrs a step son and 2 kick ass little girls of my own.

                    So where to start, oh eck. Don't dump the bird just yet, but do talk to her. You clearly feel sorry you have upset her, tell her this. Tell her you think you love her and why. She has stuck by you through a lot, give her the respect to tell her where you are right now. You both need to hear each other and work out where you are going to go with your life together. If she loves you she will give your life together a chance if you are genuine about sorting things out.

                    Hell it could be that you don't really love her, and that you haven't clicked with her. I didn't fall in love till I met my current mrs 5 years ago now, oh I had has plenty of long term relationships, I'd said the words, thought I felt them, but I really didn't give that much of a shit, they were all nice girls, got on well with them, but having a friend you f**k is not love. So I wondered if I was numb too, then I met the Mrs, it was love at first sight, and we've been giddy as kippers ever since. So it could be you're an emotional cripple, or it could be you haven't met 'the one' yet, don't burn any bridges till you've both worked it through.

                    I think you need to get off these anti-depressants, they don't sound like they are helping you, a differnt type might, but you won't know untill you try them.

                    I also think you need to look in to Aspergers syndrome, it could explain why you are not feeling things, and why you turned to drugs (to deal with social anxity and not fitting in)

                    You write well, write a letter to your mrs laying out, if you want to give the relationship a go, tell her this, tell her what you need, ask her what she needs. Send it with flowers.

                    Finally, I think you may have been suffering with depression for a long time, do you want to sort it out by trying every kind of pill going and staying on them for ever? do you want to use pills as a crutch till you get the rest of your life sorted? Do you want to try alternative remedies, ie st johns wort herbal supplement b-vitamins, lots of sunshine(well cloudshire) and excersie.

                    All of these also need you IMHO NEED to sort out the cause of the depression, for some people depression comes with short term stesses they can't control, being cheated on, death of a relative, and passes again once resolved, for others there are deeper causes that need a lot of working through. So to start with sort out your Mrs, then sort out your Job/life then work on what's left.

                    Really hope you find your happy place mate
                    You know all those pictures of Adam and Eve where they have belly button? Think about it..................... take as long as you need........................

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Been there!

                      1. It's likely your drug use was self medicating something- what that was I don't think any of us here can speculate.

                      2. This is not the girl for you. You are not the person you were a few years ago- clearly. It seems as though you HAVE been really honest with her and although she is (rightfully) upset you seem to respect each other and not be faking anything. However, feeling like you're just going through the motions is only going to get worse and you don't want to be going through a raging midlife crisis at some point, a wife and three kids dependent on you, when the warning signs are all here.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It seems that you need to pass from your current relationship, because of the vices you have taken during the early age, it will sure affect you, your relationship, and your personality.I think that there is something that bothering you. until you are true to yourself you can come back to a relationship.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          wow lots of hard hitting advice. But I do really appreciate all of it. This is what I came on here for.

                          I went to the park last night after work and played in the rain for about 2 hours. I played like a child on the climbing frames and got completely soaked and had a great time while thinking about all that has been said and how I 'really fee' and what is going on with me.
                          I do think that the drugs could have caused long term damage with the emotional part of my brain and the aspurges and autism is something I have never thought of. I think I will look into it. And yes I did turn to drugs in my youth as 'self medication'. and Most definitely as a form of escapism from things going on. My childhood wasn't really awful just had an alcoholic step father who would beat my mum. so in the grand scheme of things I know it is not half as bad as what others have had to live through. But I know it has molded my life in many ways.

                          Anyway I thought about my life without my current gf. and thought a little about how I felt about past gfs and I know I love her. I could not imagine my life without her. So I bought a sun flower and went home soaking wet and told her I was like a sun flower and she was like my sun and that I can only live with her around.

                          It didnt work right away but eventually she started talking to me and I was honest. I said I am going through a rough patch that I hate my job and that I feel a little bit crazy actually.
                          She understood and said that before when I was a numb she still loved me because she knew in my own way I loved her also and she could accept that and was happy.
                          It was me who thought I should change FOR HER. Not because I wanted too.
                          And we both agreed that is where things have gone wrong. I have gone on anti depressants because I thought it was what she wanted. but now I am up and down and all over the place and she says now I am really artificial. At least before when I smiled and laughed she knew it was real. Now it is like it is not me.

                          I guess it is hard to see those things in yourself but I agree with her. I think that is why I feel like i am going a little insane. these 'new emotions' I am feeling now are not real. They do not come from me but from the drugs. Sure these are legal ones and the others were just for pleasure but at the end of the day they are the same thing.

                          So I am going to come off them. She said she loves me and accepts me being a bit of a plank of wood. She said I am like her big gorilla that I always protect her and sure sometimes I sit around eating and not paying much attention or reacting much but that is who she fell in love with.
                          And to be honest that makes me happy. I want to be her gorilla. I cant think of anything in this world I want more.

                          And I think from this I have learnt that just like a gorilla I need to spend some time alone and I need to play sometimes.
                          So I mentioned that from now on I am going to make the effort to spend time alone and she said is good idea. We normally spend ALL of our free time together literally all of it.

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                          • #14
                            The video about Oxytocin is fascinating! made me think of lots of things. Before settling into my relationship I was at uni and then unemployed at the same time. so within about 2 months I got a girlfriend and my first 'proper' post uni job. Before then I used to meet up with friends all the time. I used to go out dancing at least once a week. I would be really social and always out and about. Suddenly i was at work seeing my girlfriend, doing exercise but not much else.
                            So my oxyocin release has suddenly plummeted!!
                            I think I need to get a job I like socialise more. get out there more and find ways to get the oxytocin pumping

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                            • #15
                              I'm glad to hear you are getting a grip on things and being positive. I too need time by myself, even if it's just a walk for an hour, give my brain time to process stuff and think, personally I'd prefere a night or too wild camping, but we take what we can get
                              You know all those pictures of Adam and Eve where they have belly button? Think about it..................... take as long as you need........................

                              Comment

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