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  • Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
    RitaRose, I'm sure you don't mean it, but your comment reminds me of one of the most stressful aspects of low libido. I can survive without it, yes, and I do have a happy relationship without sex, but I want sex. Implying that I don't have the right guy is hurtful (not saying you are doing this, but people have said that to me before).

    I picked up Maca Root last night. I hope it helps.
    Not all good relationships have good sex. They don't go hand in hand. Sex is just a fringe benefit to what is already good. I'm sure when you have sex with boyfriend it is enjoyable - and desired. And if it isn't either of those - and you want it to be - there are certainly ways of improving that part of your life. Learning what each person enjoys and does not enjoy is all a part of the process of building the bond.

    And fwiw .............. I had GREAT sex with my ex husband............ but we had a REALLY lousy relationship! He knew exactly how to please me physically -- but left me totally barren emotionally. In fact --- AFTER telling me he had never really been in love with me (18 years of marriage) he later wanted to know if we could still have sex, because "I still find you very attractive". (DUMB ASS!!!!!)

    If you love boyfriend - and feel totally "at home" with him - then the lack of libido IS NOT a reflection of the relationship. There is so much more to a relationship then physical attraction, or more pointedly, sexual attraction. That part is totally changable. It could be nothing more than an imbalance in what makes a woman feel those desires. It could also be partly that he hasn't found just the right way to make those desires come alive in you.

    Talk to him about it..........
    1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
    2. Eat to heal
    3. Move to live
    4. Embrace today
    5. Live with intention
    6. Respect my body
    7. Cultivate joy
    8. Find my passion
    9. Meditate on peace in my soul

    Comment


    • I know that the tendency is to assume that something is not right beyond hormones, but I've had years to think about this. We have a good relationship and we have good sex, but my drive just isn't there most of the time. Boyfriend had a hard time dealing with the lack of libido early on, but it's been a couple of years now and we manage. I am the only person really bothered by it, when it comes to the two of us, despite his high drive. When the anxiety and depression are bad (more worse than better, for the past few months, linked to my gut issues), my libido vanishes altogether. I know it's a problem with me, chemically or whatever, and it's frustrating.
      Depression Lies

      Comment


      • Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
        I know that the tendency is to assume that something is not right beyond hormones, but I've had years to think about this. We have a good relationship and we have good sex, but my drive just isn't there most of the time. Boyfriend had a hard time dealing with the lack of libido early on, but it's been a couple of years now and we manage. I am the only person really bothered by it, when it comes to the two of us, despite his high drive. When the anxiety and depression are bad (more worse than better, for the past few months, linked to my gut issues), my libido vanishes altogether. I know it's a problem with me, chemically or whatever, and it's frustrating.
        You're not the only one...my husband is having some libido issues lately, which is really freaking him out, because he's always had a crazy high sex drive, but lately, it's like his drive just doesn't exist. He's really panicking about it, because he HATES having such a low libido out of nowhere. We both know it has nothing to do with our relationship or how we have sex, we're still pretty imaginitive and experimental, and when it happens, is always awesome...

        I'm convinced it's a temporary thing that has to do with his crappy sleep, his digestive issues, and overall not being in a good state of health, and I bet it's the same for you, too. It's hard to have a good sex drive when you're struggling with your health, and there are soooooo many health problems that have a direct effect on libido. I notice that my normally high libido dips when I'm feeling extra fatigued or stressed.

        And when I went through my crazy awful depressive spells, my libido disappeared. It's really amazing how much of our lives are determined by chemicals in our brains...too much, not enough, just a little out of balance and everything gets out of whack. But, that also means that the problem can just as easily disappear when those chemicals balance out again, so there is always hope, no matter how dismal it seems.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Kymma View Post
          I'm reading about this maca root! I read a blog somewhere about a woman with 2 small kids who started having sex with her husband twice a day, adding in toys, and she lost 15 pounds in 2 months and felt happier than she had in years. She did it like a diet, she forced herself at first, and then really started digging it. I would totally sign up, but it would me I would have to get up earlier and stay up later. Maybe I should make Sunday and any other night off he has a 2 sex day/night rule. I doubt it will happen though. If he could find a day job, I would commit to once a day for sure!
          I think that the problem with this is that as humans, we have a tendency to develop tolerance to even the most enjoyable of things...So you'd think that having sex twice a day would be fun, until you get used to it, and it's expected, and then it's like chore to get done with, not something to look forward to. I don't understand why our brains are so stupid sometimes.

          My husband and I made a pact to fight against tolerance (that sounds really weird in print), so we try to organize it so that every few months we spend a week apart so that we can get really excited about seeing each other again. Usually, I go visit my mom, or he stays with some friends for a few days. It probably sounds really stupid, but I swear it works.

          After a week, we're both chomping at the bit to be back together again, not just for sex, but also we're reminded how much we enjoy each other's company, and we look forward to falling asleep together (instead of fighting over the blanket that never seems to be big enough!).

          Comment


          • I wasn't implying that all libido issues come from a crappy relationship, just that it's much easier to desire a good man than it is to desire one who is disrespectful or cruel. That has been my experience.

            Certainly wasn't saying that was the only reason for low sex drive.
            Durp.

            Comment


            • okay ladies..I need help. Oh on so many levels .

              Somehow my life is at a point where I just don't really have any close friends I can talk to about these things. My sister and I are very close but some things she just isn't the best to talk to about. Anyway...because I find it hard to get out and meet people I have done the online dating thing off and on. I am 46 and with the exception of a very brief (2 year) marriage that gave me my son I have been single my entire life. I have had no live ins and no functional relationships. A few weeks ago I met this guy online. I was at a point of quitting but he seemed interesting and normal enough to try one more time. Of course he lives three hours away but we met halfway for supper the first week, have talked and texted everyday and this weekend he spent the weekend. He said more than once over the last few weeks how excited he was he met me, I was just the kind of woman he had been looking for, that we had something special, blah blah blah...he drove up here this weekend despite the fact that I was sick because he wanted to spend time with me. I know and told him I have trust issues. I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies. And by today I could tell he was pulling away from me. When he left he said 'don't be a stranger'. And I said 'will i see you again?" "Of course!" he says. But there was just something there...or not there as the case may be. And I am hurt. I liked him, so wanted him to be different but it is just one more failure in a lifetime of failures. I confess I am very depressed right now. I am tired of being by myself. I want a life I can build with someone but I keep blowing it. I am at the point of realizing I may very well spend the rest of my life alone. All very dramatic sounding I know. Please forgive me for that. I don't know what exactly I am doing wrong, what is wrong with me so I don't know how to fix it. Obviously none of you know me either but any ideas or thoughts or just encouragement would be great. Any feedback from guys would be nice too. I am missing something somehow and I am tired of missing it. It will be one more New Years Eve spent alone.
              You know all those things you wanted to do: You should go do them.

              Age 48
              height 5'3
              SW 215 lbs
              CW 180 lbs (whole foods/primal eating)
              LW 172 lbs
              GW 125ish lbs

              Comment


              • Originally posted by valmason01 View Post
                I know and told him I have trust issues. I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies. And by today I could tell he was pulling away from me. When he left he said 'don't be a stranger'. And I said 'will i see you again?" "Of course!" he says. But there was just something there...or not there as the case may be.
                I wouldn't neccessarily say "Don't be a stranger" is automatically a "See you later, but not if I see you first." Was he maybe hinting that he doesn't see you as often as he would like? Especially when followed with an "Of course!" about seeing you again. I'm not saying he's ready to pop the question, but I honestly wouldn't write him off unless he has said you're through.

                You say yourself that "I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies." When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Stop trying to sabatoge this. I know that's easier said than done, but you're not going to have what you want out of a relationship until you are able to accept what a man is bringing without the strings tying you to your past. You may need to see a counselor to work that out.

                I'm not saying he's head over heels for you. I honestly don't know since I wasn't there. I'm just saying that what you told us sounds like someone that is making an effort to be with you, and what he said could also mean he'd like to see you more often, not less.

                I met my boyfriend of 3 years now through online dating (I was 45), and I know a few other couples our age that met online and married within the past couple of years. It can work.
                Durp.

                Comment


                • My two dude cents: I think you may be subconsciously driving him away. Why should you be trying to catch him in lies? You're not a bank approving a loan. He may have something going on with somebody else. But at this point, so what? You can do the same.

                  I'm about your age and single. One thing I'm learning: get rid of the needy. I have it, sounds like you have it, we all have it --- great, vast subterranean wells of needy. Acknowledge it, be ok with and then put it aside.

                  “Folks, I'm telling you,
                  birthing is hard
                  and dying is mean-
                  so get yourself
                  a little loving
                  in between.”

                  ― Langston Hughes

                  Comment


                  • i wish i could help, valmason. All i can say is try to give him the benefit of a doubt. Our histories sound indentical. I was married for aprox 5 years and miscarried once. I've gotton many offers to hook up, but that is just not me. I haven't tried online yet but have thought about it.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by valmason01 View Post
                      okay ladies..I need help. Oh on so many levels .

                      Somehow my life is at a point where I just don't really have any close friends I can talk to about these things. My sister and I are very close but some things she just isn't the best to talk to about. Anyway...because I find it hard to get out and meet people I have done the online dating thing off and on. I am 46 and with the exception of a very brief (2 year) marriage that gave me my son I have been single my entire life. I have had no live ins and no functional relationships. A few weeks ago I met this guy online. I was at a point of quitting but he seemed interesting and normal enough to try one more time. Of course he lives three hours away but we met halfway for supper the first week, have talked and texted everyday and this weekend he spent the weekend. He said more than once over the last few weeks how excited he was he met me, I was just the kind of woman he had been looking for, that we had something special, blah blah blah...he drove up here this weekend despite the fact that I was sick because he wanted to spend time with me. I know and told him I have trust issues. I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies. And by today I could tell he was pulling away from me. When he left he said 'don't be a stranger'. And I said 'will i see you again?" "Of course!" he says. But there was just something there...or not there as the case may be. And I am hurt. I liked him, so wanted him to be different but it is just one more failure in a lifetime of failures. I confess I am very depressed right now. I am tired of being by myself. I want a life I can build with someone but I keep blowing it. I am at the point of realizing I may very well spend the rest of my life alone. All very dramatic sounding I know. Please forgive me for that. I don't know what exactly I am doing wrong, what is wrong with me so I don't know how to fix it. Obviously none of you know me either but any ideas or thoughts or just encouragement would be great. Any feedback from guys would be nice too. I am missing something somehow and I am tired of missing it. It will be one more New Years Eve spent alone.
                      I can't see anything there that says he doesn't want you. Did I miss something? OK, you had a feeling. While I think gut feelings can be useful, they are not always right. Why not sent a text to say hi, and see how he responds. You are testing him out, maybe he is testing you to see if YOU really care about him. If he doesn't respond, then sure your gut was right.
                      My website: http://www.shoppinganywhere.net/

                      Comment


                      • Thank you all for the perspective. He did text when he got home and I said how much I enjoyed the weekend. He responded with "me too honey..xo". So maybe I am being unfair and allowing my needy to overtake me. I have thought of counseling, I am certainly not ruling it out.

                        Yes Rojo, I sometimes wonder if I am not subconsciously trying to drive him (or anyone away), make it a self fulfilling prophecy. So...I need to get past this and keep trying. Thanks again all. All your comments really did help and gave me hope I can get past this.
                        You know all those things you wanted to do: You should go do them.

                        Age 48
                        height 5'3
                        SW 215 lbs
                        CW 180 lbs (whole foods/primal eating)
                        LW 172 lbs
                        GW 125ish lbs

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by valmason01 View Post
                          Thank you all for the perspective. He did text when he got home and I said how much I enjoyed the weekend. He responded with "me too honey..xo". So maybe I am being unfair and allowing my needy to overtake me. I have thought of counseling, I am certainly not ruling it out.

                          Yes Rojo, I sometimes wonder if I am not subconsciously trying to drive him (or anyone away), make it a self fulfilling prophecy. So...I need to get past this and keep trying. Thanks again all. All your comments really did help and gave me hope I can get past this.
                          Aaaaaaahhhhhh.... lovely. Ha ha. I hope it works out for you.
                          My website: http://www.shoppinganywhere.net/

                          Comment


                          • Thank you...me too Or at least I learn how to pull my big girl panties up and get to living.
                            You know all those things you wanted to do: You should go do them.

                            Age 48
                            height 5'3
                            SW 215 lbs
                            CW 180 lbs (whole foods/primal eating)
                            LW 172 lbs
                            GW 125ish lbs

                            Comment


                            • I agree with the others. You have to believe you are worth it for him to believe so as well. If he didn't want to be with you, why would he come see while you're sick? Surely if she was seeing someone else she was available and not sick, right? I would consider counseling to work on your self-esteem, you are worth it.

                              Comment


                              • Thank you teach. Believe it or not my self esteem is so much better than it was even a year ago I really didn't know it was still this bad until I met someone I really liked. So...I am working on being positive and not negative believing that it is possible for me to have a good relationship and that I deserve one. Thank you all for listening and advice!

                                Originally posted by teach2183 View Post
                                I agree with the others. You have to believe you are worth it for him to believe so as well. If he didn't want to be with you, why would he come see while you're sick? Surely if she was seeing someone else she was available and not sick, right? I would consider counseling to work on your self-esteem, you are worth it.
                                You know all those things you wanted to do: You should go do them.

                                Age 48
                                height 5'3
                                SW 215 lbs
                                CW 180 lbs (whole foods/primal eating)
                                LW 172 lbs
                                GW 125ish lbs

                                Comment

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