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The talk - does it, can it, ever go well?

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  • The talk - does it, can it, ever go well?

    I post this here partly because I need to get it off my chest, partly because I want feedback. I've been married for just over 3 years now. When I met my wife, 5+ years ago, she was hot. She put a little bit of weight on while we were going out and while I was away with military training, but dropped it for the wedding. Since then, she's steadily gained weight due mainly to two things: chocolate and ice cream. The first year of our marriage we both drank more than we should have, and she took comfort in that food (if memory serves anyway) because it was a shit time for both of us due to my job.

    Anyway, fast forward to now, where I have been incredibly lucky to stay in our present location for much longer than I should have. Things are good and we both have decent careers. Yet she still treats her body like a rubbish tip.

    Now, I've tried to be understanding. I feel like it's my fault this all started in the first place. But now, everytime I see her eat ice cream, it just pisses me right off, to the point it will keep me awake in bed because I'm angry. I tried to delicately explain it to her last week about the ice cream, how I feel about it, how bad it is for her. She was ok about it. Last night, not a week later, she hits the ice cream again.

    Now, I've been stewing over this for a number of months. She's gotten on a health kick before and done well, and then we go back to visit our parents and because they like anything sweet (but live very healthy lifestyles for the most part) they have stuff on hand. My wife has a little bit, and it's like a clean alcoholic getting a whiff of booze. The subsequent backslide ruins all previous progress. I'm at the point now where it feels as though I'm being taken for granted. It's like marriage was a licence for her to let herself go and she figures (at least maybe subconsciously) since I'm a good guy I'll stick around and put up with it.

    Quite simply, I wonder why I should have to. I'm tired of all the Oprah esque bullshit that we have to love people for who they are blah blah. Having a healthy, attractive wife is important to me. After feeling conflicted for so long I have finally come to the conclusion over the last couple of weeks that I shouldn't have to settle for being pissed off and hoping every weekend that my wife won't down a bucket of ice cream, further setting back any chance I ever have of finding her sexy again. This isn't what life is supposed to be is it? An acceptance of things I hate?

    So I brought it up with her this morning. I tried to be nice about it (I am NOT one of those jerks that just blurts it all out, with no regard for someone's feelings). I tried to be delicate, to get her to read between the lines so to speak, and she did. It didn't help. The whole thing still turned out as though I'm the asshole, and after a period of silence she went upstairs and hasn't been down since. That was 2 hours ago.

    Well, that's it. I don't know what else to say. Tell me your thoughts, give me your opinions, give me anything really. Thanks.
    http://realcareerguidance.com

  • #2
    you want a hot wife, she's not

    divorce her if you're gonna be nutjob enough to stay up seething over her spooning ice cream into her face
    beautiful
    yeah you are

    Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
    lol

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    • #3
      The talk rarely goes well. So, she went a week without ice cream. Considering how addictive sugar is, that seems pretty good to me. I know you are ranting. I do plenty of that. But really, if sexiness is a top priority, maybe you should move on.
      Ancestral Health Info

      I design websites and blogs for a living. If you would like a blog or website designed by someone who understands Primal, see my web page.

      Primal Blueprint Explorer My blog for people who are not into the Grok thing. Since starting the blog, I have moved close to being Archevore instead of Primal. But Mark's Daily Apple is still the best source of information about living an ancestral lifestyle.

      Comment


      • #4
        there is no maybe. he'll keep bringing it up, she'll keep feeling like insecure shit, she'll get comfort from the food because she can't go to him for it

        lather rinse repeat
        beautiful
        yeah you are

        Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
        lol

        Comment


        • #5
          Why do you automatically assume it is insecurity? I have brought it up only twice in 3 years of marriage, both in the last week, yet you speak as though it is a neverending cycle. I've spent the last 3 years giving her comfort, clearly it is not the problem...
          http://realcareerguidance.com

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          • #6
            Im a woman, so I can also sympathize with her. Is she burying her feelings in food? I used to be an emotional eater, and the worse I felt the more shit I would eat. My poor husband, he must have felt like you do (I used to be hot when we first met). Just before I started PB in June, I asked him if he found me repulsing, seeing I hated myself, why wouldn't he? He said that he knew what I've been through the last 5 years (twin-pregnancy, breastfeeding twins, the stress or raising them, then yet another pregnancy and baby). And it's true: I let myself go due to the ton of emotional and physical stress I was under. It's no excuse but that's how it pans out for many woman. We put ourselves last, and easily become slaves to hormones and cycles of vicious self-loathing.

            I totally get your point of view, but I think you need to get her a big bunch of flowers, write a lovely card and tell her that you are concerned for her health, and that you wish her to join you on your primal journey. Does she want kids? Mentioning the positive impact on concievement and pregnancy that a healthy foundation has might also make sense to her. Good luck.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by judoka View Post
              Why do you automatically assume it is insecurity? I have brought it up only twice in 3 years of marriage, both in the last week, yet you speak as though it is a neverending cycle. I've spent the last 3 years giving her comfort, clearly it is not the problem...
              because you stay up. being angry. about her eating ice cream.

              this has been a problem with you for months. you've been stewing for months. she most likely knows something has been bugging you for months.

              the fact that she's still upstairs shows that she knows you have a problem with her looks, no matter how 'nice' you put it.

              if you want to stay with her then tell her you still love her and still think she's hot, make her feel good and that will get her motivated. tell her the reason you brought it up was because of all the horrible things you've read bad foods can do to a body long term and you want to grow old and healthy together
              beautiful
              yeah you are

              Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
              lol

              Comment


              • #8
                Glam,

                She says she doesn't know why she eats it. I don't think it is emotional, purely due to the fact that it's almost always on a Friday/Saturday night she eats that sort of stuff. She's a smart person. She knows primal is far healthier for her (she's been on it, and derailed by chocolate gifts at easter), and she greatly respected a doctor for being straight up and telling her she needs to lose weight and that she just needs to pull her finger out and start living healthier. This is why I'm at the point I'm at. I feel as thought I'm at a dead end here
                http://realcareerguidance.com

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Glamorama View Post
                  I used to be hot when we first met.
                  Pfft! You ARE hot.
                  Ancestral Health Info

                  I design websites and blogs for a living. If you would like a blog or website designed by someone who understands Primal, see my web page.

                  Primal Blueprint Explorer My blog for people who are not into the Grok thing. Since starting the blog, I have moved close to being Archevore instead of Primal. But Mark's Daily Apple is still the best source of information about living an ancestral lifestyle.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Magic 8 ball predict this thread gonna be a shitstorm.
                    "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." -- Hippocrates

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Judoka, just a gentle question. You mention that she eats sweets on the weekend. She might be bored, anxious, any number of things. But could it also be (and I don't know at all if this is true) that you spend the most time together on the weekends and, if so, that she is feeling as unhappy in your marriage as you and turning to food for comfort?

                      At any rate, if her eating is making you so angry you're seething, that's not good and you may need to leave if you can't detach. But if you can, and you can lead my example, you might be surprised what can happen--I know this from experience.

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                      • #12
                        Could ice cream be the substitute for emotional needs? Sounds to me like maybe she isn't feeling too good about herself.

                        Are you as hot as the day she met you? My DH was really good about pointing out how I wasn't the skinny thing he met. Heck, I wasn't 15 any more! After enough times of that I reminded him that he wasn't the same, either. I have started buying those tiny little cups of ice cream and no more than once a month.
                        Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

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                        • #13
                          Ice cream in particular = powerful serotonin, dopamine rush.
                          "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." -- Hippocrates

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Before any talk you need to ask yourself whether you are a superficial jerk or not. Not that your mates attractiveness to you is not important but if you are a superficial jerk you will not be happy with anyone. A divorce would be an awfully expensive way to find this out. Maybe swap contracted cancer for gained weight, and why you would feel differently about that?
                            Wheat is the new tobacco. Spread the word.

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                            • #15
                              From your posts it seems like you're more interested in having a hot sexy wife than a healthy happy one. Yes you mentioned those things, but they seemed kind of secondary. If you came across that way when you spoke to her then you probably sounded like a bit of an asshole. No wonder she's annoyed.

                              I agree with everything IvyBlue just said too.
                              Became Primal August 2011

                              SW - 84kg / 185lb
                              CW - 60kg / 132lb
                              GW - 60kg / 132lb

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