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OT: not keeping a baby...and married??

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  • OT: not keeping a baby...and married??

    As I was scrolling down my Facebook wall yesterday, I see a status update that says "C, MAY be a big brother soon and I'm sooo scared"
    I replied "how are you maybe pregnant? Either you're pregnant or you're not, right? Lol"
    She says "well I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it yet bc we can't afford it"

    A little history on this woman.
    She's 21, married for two years, has a 14 month old son. Her husband and my partner are friends from highschool and have mutual friends who have told us about their situation. Her dh is always complaining that she does nothing except sit on the couch all day. While he works all day and then comes home and cleans house, makes dinner, and gives their son a bath and puts him to bed. She doesn't work and according to her dh barely babysits their son during the day if she's awake. About two months ago her dh caught their kitchen on fire cooking dinner and now they live with relatives while her family and his family fix the damage.

    So given this information and her response to my comment I was livid.
    I typed out lots of mean things that I wanted to say and deleted them. I ended up saying "I understand that things are hard for you right now but killing your baby isn't the answer. You could get a job and put your children in daycare. There are several low cost/free daycare and preschool programs that I can help you sign up for. I also know of several adoption agencies that I can help you with also. There is always a way to better your situation. I'll be thinking of you and your children."
    Of course she gets all mad and says abortion isn't an option for her.
    My partner and I never fight but he got upset with me for "not minding my business, and starting ****" as he put it.
    I feel like if you don't want your personal business commented on then don't post it on damn FaceBook! It's not like I found out about her pregnancy and went to her page and attacked her with my opinion.

    It is bothering me because my partner got really upset and was calling me out in front of our friends that were there. I feel like I had to say something for the baby at least.

    To me she is ridiculous and I have no pitty for her. I understand things suck for her right now but I was in the same exact situation when I found out I was pregnant with my second child except I had a job. So I know how hard it is, because I've done it.
    So, what do you think? What would you have done? How do I fix things with my partner without giving up on what I believe?
    ~Danielle~

  • #2
    I hide people on Facebook if their posts bug me. Also, you jumped to a conclusion. She didn't say she was thinking about killing it (from what you wrote anyway), you assumed that. So I think you were way overboard, maybe even should apologize. And then hide or unfriend her if you "think she is ridiculous and have no pity".
    “In God we trust; all others must bring data.” W. Edwards Deming
    Blogging at http://loafingcactus.com

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    • #3
      I'm sorry but I'm in the "mind your own business" camp, and the two of you are obviously not close friends.

      It appears to me that she was looking for a little non judgmental support, obviously you have strong beliefs on the subject and were not able to give it so in my opinion the best option would have been to say nothing.

      If you actually want to help perhaps referring her to whatever local listening services you have in your area may be appropriate so she has someone who will just listen to her and give her the space needed to air her fears and make her own decisions.

      I don't think there is any need to give up on your beliefs, but the key thing here is that its not you in the situation so your beliefs really aren't relevant, your beliefs only become relevant if you found yourself in the same situation at which time I would be 100% behind your right to deal with the situation in the way that you believed.
      1st June 11 to 30st Aug 11 - 36lb removed in 13 weeks
      Messed about on and off for the rest of the year

      June 2012 - Had the practice - now time to do it for real

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      • #4
        She is immature and irresponsible, agreed. That and the principle of abortion within marriage are two different things, however, and understandably people's opinions will vary. I understand she may have posted this on Facebook but considering you're just an acquaintance of hers (from what I'm gathering) you are probably not the person she was looking to hear from. If she were a true friend, I would have talked to her in private/person, but if it were a Facebook "friend" I would have kept my mouth shut. That being said, however, it was also uncool of your partner to bitch you out in front of your other friends. So talk to him about what exactly made you upset over the situation, and what points you agree on (does he also feel that her current lifestyle and attitude are unacceptable for a wife and mother?) You and your partner may also want to have a talk about how to handle arguments in public and that his handling of the situation did not make things any easier (but without the moral relativizing of "ok so I stuck my nose in somebody else's business but you were a jerk too").

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        • #5
          *shrug* Sounds like she has no business being a mother. Sometimes adoption or even abortion are the better options for everyone involved.

          Edit: Also, just because someone posts something on the internet doesn't mean you have to comment on it. I will admit to not always following this bit of wisdom (to wit: this post), but it's something to keep in mind.
          Last edited by Sudenveri; 07-14-2011, 06:23 AM.

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          • #6
            I'm kind of on your side. She has 2 options:
            1) Get a job & save up for baby
            2) give baby up for adoption

            There are plenty of families who would do anything for a baby in their lives, and there's no shame in providing them with that opportunity. If she's not into finding a job job, then there are always odd jobs she can do. $10 here & there eventually adds up to baby bills (if you go out & do a $10 odd job every day, you'll have $2k in your pocket by the time baby arrives)
            --Trish (Bork)
            TROPICAL TRADITIONS REFERRAL # 7625207
            http://pregnantdiabetic.blogspot.com
            FOOD PORN BLOG! http://theprimaljunkfoodie.blogspot.com

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            • #7
              This is why I love this community. I can post a problem and have my entire topic addressed civaly. I posted the same thing on another forum and they went crazy with replies of how horrible I was. I get that I wasn't totally right, hence the need to post and ask..so thank you all for your replies. Now I just have to muster up the courage to breech the topic with my partner, I hate fighting and know it will be an argument.
              ~Danielle~

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              • #8
                Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. Especially the last part.
                Originally posted by Solldara View Post
                I'm sorry but I'm in the "mind your own business" camp, and the two of you are obviously not close friends.

                It appears to me that she was looking for a little non judgmental support, obviously you have strong beliefs on the subject and were not able to give it so in my opinion the best option would have been to say nothing.

                If you actually want to help perhaps referring her to whatever local listening services you have in your area may be appropriate so she has someone who will just listen to her and give her the space needed to air her fears and make her own decisions.

                I don't think there is any need to give up on your beliefs, but the key thing here is that its not you in the situation so your beliefs really aren't relevant, your beliefs only become relevant if you found yourself in the same situation at which time I would be 100% behind your right to deal with the situation in the way that you believed.
                ~Danielle~

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm the type that would say if you can't take care of yourself and your family NOW, you may never be able to. She sounds lazy as fuck IMO. I'd be telling her she should give up her 14 month old kid and either abort or put the new baby up for adoption. Some people need taken out of the gene pool and she's one of them. Sorry for being so harsh, but I'm dealing with a similar situation with a family member and even her parents tried to talk her into having an abortion.
                  Georgette

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                  • #10
                    Abortion is a way better option than another kid raised in a crappy environment by parents who don't want him. I don't get the whole ''fill planet Earth with as many humans as possible no matter what'' point of view. I'm pretty sure she's not taking the decision lightly, I'd give her support and that's it. Not everyone needs religious opinions from others in their lives.

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                    • #11
                      I'm in the "mind your own business" camp as well. All you know about her is what gets passed to you through your husband through her husband (Yeah, that's real mature) and you think you have a right to judge her? You want validation for your shitty decisions by getting everyone to dogpile on her because you're somehow so much better than her? I have an answer for you, how about YOU grow up and act like a caring adult and be supportive of her. Or tell her husband to grow up and stop talking shit about his wife and be supportive of her. Or just butt out.

                      And WTF are you posting this here for?
                      Buy house, Demolish house, Build house.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Blackcatbone View Post
                        And WTF are you posting this here for?
                        Agree with this as well.
                        Georgette

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                        • #13
                          I agree with you that she should not abort. Mainly she already has a kid! How do you think about getting rid of your 2nd child? It's not like she's 18, in high school, and this is her first kid. Hell, that was me! Here I am 25, my son is almost 7, and I work two jobs because we never have the money. Who ever has money with kids?!?! Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it.

                          On the other hand I also agree, unless you a really close with this lady to just stay out of it. It will only cause problems. But also tell your partner that you need to have a talk. Both of you need to admit fault on this one.

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                          • #14
                            The Wife and I have a son of our own and we have fostered 4 others. There's no shame in giving up a child, the shame lies in being able to provide for that child and simply not doing so.

                            Was your "killing your baby" comment harsh? Yeah, sure it was and while I'm certainly not a proponent of abortion outside of rape, incest and medical necessity, sometimes the truth hurts buts need to be said just the same. "May or may not be a brother" and "not sure what we're going to so yet" certainly leave open the option of abortion. She threw it out there and you responded, I have no problem with that. Sure she's gonna be pissed as well as others too, but coddling the lazy ass sure as hell is not going to help her.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Blackcatbone View Post
                              I'm in the "mind your own business" camp as well. All you know about her is what gets passed to you through your husband through her husband (Yeah, that's real mature) and you think you have a right to judge her? You want validation for your shitty decisions by getting everyone to dogpile on her because you're somehow so much better than her? I have an answer for you, how about YOU grow up and act like a caring adult and be supportive of her. Or tell her husband to grow up and stop talking shit about his wife and be supportive of her. Or just butt out.

                              And WTF are you posting this here for?
                              +10000000000

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