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  • No Partner Support

    Hi

    I'm new here & haven't had time to go through all of the Threads to see if this has been covered or not yet.

    Has anyone here had experience of dealing with a partner that isn't supportive. Either of the Primal eating or of the Fitness training. (I'm into triathlons).

    I lost 17kgs in the early part of 2008 & have kept it off & at times I'm still getting leaner (like when I gave up grains). My husband is use to the old body & I think he wants it back. He isn't primal & still eats bread, pasta, cereal etc. At times I have to cook 2 different meals.

    While he isn't supportive of my training, he still lets me train. Anyway I figure I can't be the only one, is there someone else out there who has been through this.
    I'm not trying to convert him, just trying to cope.

    Cheers
    Tash

  • #2
    Hi Tash,

    I know where you're at. My wife thinks I've lost it and is forever telling me that I'm too thin, look drawn and wrinkled. She accepts that I'm firm on what I will and will not eat so tailors the meals she cooks accordingly. When I cook everyone finds the meals satisfying enough, though sometimes I'll cook some carbs for them. Doesn't mean she doesn't give me flak
    Four years Primal with influences from Jaminet & Shanahan and a focus on being anti-inflammatory. Using Primal to treat CVD and prevent stents from blocking free of drugs.

    Eat creatures nose-to-tail (animal, fowl, fish, crustacea, molluscs), a large variety of vegetables (raw, cooked and fermented, including safe starches), dairy (cheese & yoghurt), occasional fruit, cocoa, turmeric & red wine

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    • #3
      While I'm not in a relationship and haven't gone through anything similar, I still want to comment.

      Your husband doesn't like you being leaner and fitter (and I'm guessing better looking)? Sounds terribly wrong. From your description of him I assume he isn't the best he can be, and maybe he is afraid you're going to ditch him for someone "better" now you have improved your physique. Try talking about it.

      Don't cook 2 meals, you are not his servant. If you're cooking tasty and healthy primal meals and he would rather eat processed crap, have him cook his own meals. I mean, if you can't agree on one meal plan, have each make his own (I know a lot of other members here have had success with that approach).

      "While he isn't supportive of my training, he still lets me train." So he doesn't forbid you to not train? That's nice. What happened to gender equality -_-?
      Don't let your husband drag you down with him. If he is unwilling to change himself, don't worry about it and make sure he has life insurance so you can support yourself for the last 10 years after he dies. I apologize for my tone

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Pandadude View Post

        Don't cook 2 meals, you are not his servant. If you're cooking tasty and healthy primal meals and he would rather eat processed crap, have him cook his own meals. I mean, if you can't agree on one meal plan, have each make his own (I know a lot of other members here have had success with that approach).
        ^ This x1,000...there's another thread on this w/some really good advice, I'll see if I can find it.


        Here:
        http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...operative-Mate

        The very first reply has some great advice.
        Last edited by tradawg; 01-09-2011, 06:40 AM.
        $5 off iherb.com: QOC241

        "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." - Voltaire


        For nutrition/wellness tips:

        http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/One...34671179916624

        www.onelifeonebodynutritionaltherapy.com

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        • #5
          While I would not say that my wife is not sportive - she is a baker by trade an always seems to have cake/pie/cookies around - for the kids ;D
          They do not need the crap and it kinda sucks seeing sweets I cant eat everyday - but I figure I get to test my will daily now.
          We don't cook 2 meals - I fast on Saturday so that's "pasta" day for her
          Sun-Tues she cooks but the bread and potatoes are always on the side and she makes a veggie side too
          Wed-Fri I cook - she doesn't care that its all primal because she doesn't have to cook.

          My wife has always has been supportive of my weight lifting though.
          I can't imagine either of us "allowing" each other to do anything - we have been together for 20+ years for a reason ;D
          "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do" - Epictetus

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Pandadude View Post
            While I'm not in a relationship and haven't gone through anything similar, I still want to comment.

            Your husband doesn't like you being leaner and fitter (and I'm guessing better looking)? Sounds terribly wrong. From your description of him I assume he isn't the best he can be, and maybe he is afraid you're going to ditch him for someone "better" now you have improved your physique. Try talking about it.

            Don't cook 2 meals, you are not his servant. If you're cooking tasty and healthy primal meals and he would rather eat processed crap, have him cook his own meals. I mean, if you can't agree on one meal plan, have each make his own (I know a lot of other members here have had success with that approach).

            "While he isn't supportive of my training, he still lets me train." So he doesn't forbid you to not train? That's nice. What happened to gender equality -_-?
            Don't let your husband drag you down with him. If he is unwilling to change himself, don't worry about it and make sure he has life insurance so you can support yourself for the last 10 years after he dies. I apologize for my tone
            LOL. Completely on your wavelength, Pandadude.

            Definitely second the idea of talking about it. I've been sabotaged while trying to get healthier on CW, and frankly it's a relationship killer. Tell him how you feel, ask him if he really wants the unhealthy, unfit you back, and give him the opportunity to work through what he's really asking you to do (feel worse forever). In my experience he may not have thought about it but could be simply reacting ( change == bad ) with little or no conscious processing. Help him process the implications, constructively, if you want to sustain the relationship.

            At the same time, hold the line on the things you've found that work for you. You've kept a lot of weight off over a pretty long period - living proof that something is working. You're doing triathlons or training for them, again proof that how you're eating is healthy for you. So: Fix good meals, and if he wants a piece of toast or a bowl of rice, he can add that himself. If he wants a whole other meal, he can fix it or buy it at a fast food joint.

            You can be really nice about it, and tell him you're really really sorry but you just can't ethically contribute to poor nutrition any more, or you can be non-confrontational and just not keep any of that bad food in the house (since you do all of the cooking, it sounds like, you probably do all of the shopping too).
            "If man made it, don't eat it." ..Jack LaLanne
            "It doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't matter how smart you are.
            If it doesn't agree with experiment, it's wrong." ..Richard Feynman

            beachrat's new primal journal

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            • #7
              What I do is cook Primally (meat and veggies), then I take out rolls. I don't put them on the plate, but in a bread basket, throw them on the table, and say, "There's bread if you want it."

              P.S. It's ALWAYS bread! LOL

              Pretty boring after a while. If I ever cheat, maybe I'll mix it up (rice or pasta). But, if I'm cooking, everyone's on their own! LOL

              My husband has joined me to "support" me, but I can tell he isn't into it. *sigh*

              We are here if you need us!!

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              • #8
                I told my husband when we were switching, & although he initially made fun of it, all it took was a pizza after a few weeks of primal & we both felt how awful we felt. Cook up yummy stuff (bacon, steak, etc) & he'll get hooked.

                As for the image issue, I do hear you. My husband loved me & was attracted to me 40 pounds ago when we met, & although he's supportive of my decisions, he does get concerned that I'll get obsessed with this & whittle away to a waif, which he's not particularly attracted to. I keep reminding him that I'm doing this for my health, & that hey, I'm Eastern European. There's no way I can look like Gisele when I'm built like Crystal Renn - & quite frankly, I don't want to!

                I agree with the talking to him angle. What is it about this that really bothers him? Do you know?
                And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the wind longs to play with your hair
                Kahlil Gibran

                http://simplesunshine.wordpress.com

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                • #9
                  My hubby does not eat this way (oddly enough he's the one who turned me onto MDA). I've been grain-free since 2007 and it works fine in the house. There always meat in fridge and tons of veggies for me, but there's also a loaf of Great Harvest bread, brown rice, crackers, cheese,etc here, too. We've made it worked...we each partake in the meat and then enjoy our own sides. He sometimes thinks I go overboard....mainlining coconut butter like it's crack, but I think he needs to drop the grains (and 45 pounds). Oh well, is what it is....I keep my comments to myself. I let him eat his way and he lets me eat my way.

                  Hmmm...not sure what to tell you on the training; mine is totally supportive. He's been too all my oly comps, races and tri's (years ago). As someone said above maybe he feels a bit threatened. Just a suggestion...are you training with other friends, or female friends of his male friends? that may help.

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                  • #10
                    I initially got a lot of mileage out of quietly going about my primal business without going on and on about it. In those early days, I didn't even know if it was going to work for me so why try to convert my husband and daughter at that point? Furthermore, my husband has been through a lot of my wonderful new diets and new health initiatives so I didn't really want him thinking "Here she goes again!" I did leave primal books lying around and I started cooking/buying things that were different than our usual and more primal. I have to say, it's almost a cliche around here but I got a lot of mileage out of the uncured bacon I started buying. I also started making sweet potato fries (baked, with coconut oil) which he loves and is happy to have them instead of grains, even asks for them instead of white potatoes with his steak I also would occasionally read an amusing anecdote of Mark's to him.

                    I really didn't feel the "Cook your own meal, buster!" attittude was the best for our relationship or for my young daughter. So I make something that's primal (roast chicken for example) and make a side that's carby but they are familiar with (mashed potatoes) and then I make my sides. Hubby has started loving the big ass spinach salads that I'm making (boiled egg and real bacon have helped that along). In 6 or 7 weeks, I have both my husband and my daughter eating more primal without tears or recrimination. Last week I made chicken legs wrapped in bacon and used these in my daughter's lunch. We all loved them. Also the primal meatballs in the e-cookbook are good. Most men are going to respond to the meat part of primal especially if you've been limiting meat. It's ultimately up to them to give up the carbs.
                    True healthcare reform starts in your kitchen, not in Washington. ~Anonymous
                    The worst carrot is better than the best candybar.--TornadoGirl

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                    • #11
                      Thanks for your feedback guys.

                      I need to point out that my hubby has a stuffed knee for the last 5 years, but hasn't found or in some cases been looking for a non knee required exercise. (Don't give me suggestions as all the ones I've already given have either come up with excuses or non action). However having said that tonight he is trying aqua aerobics for the first time, but won't let me join him.

                      Thanks for the link to the other thread tradawg, it was a useful read.
                      Pandadude - no need to apologise for your tone. It's nice to hear people's honest opinions
                      Kimdowse - I train with other guys, he has met some of them (& their wives). I've always gotten on better with other guys & not females I don't know why. We mix with completely different people.

                      Yes, another conversation is sounding like it's very on the table, not only in regards to my eating but my exercising as well.
                      I will keep you guys informed & Thanks for your support.
                      Now if you will excuse me, I can smell steak & fried eggs (from someone else's kitchen) & it's making me hungry for my own.
                      I would write more, but the cooking smell is making me drool.
                      Last edited by Tash; 01-10-2011, 02:27 AM. Reason: forgot something

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Pandadude View Post

                        Your husband doesn't like you being leaner and fitter (and I'm guessing better looking)? Sounds terribly wrong. From your description of him I assume he isn't the best he can be, and maybe he is afraid you're going to ditch him for someone "better" now you have improved your physique. Try talking about it.
                        This is very common. Happened to me, with BF making big pots of mac 'n' cheese and ordering pizzas (my faves). I have a good friend whose husband does this to her. Many calls to Dr. Laura's show on the radio about this very issue.
                        "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." -- Hippocrates

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                        • #13
                          Yes I went through and am still kinda going through the same thing. My wife didnt support me at first and now she just kinda tolerates me. She is a borderline diabetic and try as I might I cant convince her to at least try primal for a little while and see if it makes her feel better. She also had the problem with my body changes. Im 6 foot 4 and have a large frame and she has always been used to me being bigger. when I started about a year ago I was weighing in at about 215 lbs and after about 3 months had already dropped down to about 175. I have leveled out now at 185 but I still get grief from her from time to time mainly due to the fact that she thinks I am changing for someone else rather than to be healthy for myself.
                          I must say though that at this point she has pretty much accepted that this is who I am going to be and has kinda dropped it for now. I mainly cook or prepare my own meals and she and the rest of the house do what they are gonna do. It does make for a kinda seperated feeling but Im not going to risk my health in the long run to appease everyone else.
                          I say keep on your path and he will eventually accept that this is who you are and let you live to the fullest.

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                          • #14
                            "We're all in this together, but we die alone" - anonymous.
                            I used to seriously post here, now I prefer to troll.

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                            • #15
                              My wife thought I was nuts when I started. Of course she thought I was nuts before that because I was running 50+ miles a week. That she could comprehend with the weight loss. Then I went on PB and dropped another 20lbs after I stopped running. In fact I went from 12 hours a week of exercise to less then 3 hours and kept losing weight. She got on board at that point. Of course I still hear the your too skinny stuff and she tells me when people say things to her about my weight. I think most of the time it is an exageration and it is really her thoughts. She is still getting used to the skinny me as we have been together since HS and I have always been on the heavy side. I stopped telling her my goals as she thinks I am way too skinny as it is. If your husband can't exercise then he needs to attack his diet as weight loss is 80% diet, 10% exercise, and 10% genetics.
                              Check out my primal blog: http://primalroar.posterous.com/

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