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  • Funnies!

    I guess this could loosely qualify under use your mind.
    Everyone has THOSE days, the ones where you feel like the world just ran you over with a steamroller and your sense of humor got lost around the time the dog ran off with the keys for the 5th time in a row. This is a thread to help.
    Tell me your best funnies and stories. Jokes, stories, true, made up, you couldn't make it up if you tried, one liners, limericks, you name it, it's fair game.

    I'll kick it off:
    There once was a barmaid from Yale,
    Upon whose chest was the price of ale
    And on her behind, for the sake of the blind,
    were the same prices in Braille.
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Latest Journal

  • #2
    Was playing a gig a few weeks ago...

    A drunk douchebag was harrasing our keyboard player while he was trying to play. Inbetween songs our drummer says to him, "Hey, do I come to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth?"

    I lol'd for awhile.
    sigpic

    Comment


    • #3
      NICE! (text to keep caps)
      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
      My Latest Journal

      Comment


      • #4
        This was posted at Miss Cellania today:

        I was embarrassed when I saw my new doctor was an attractive woman, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

        So I said,........“I think my penis may taste funny…”

        Comment


        • #5
          bump
          Time for another one:
          Yo momma so SAD, she thinks a cookie in each hand is a balanced diet.
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
          My Latest Journal

          Comment


          • #6
            Who LOVES getting fisted??





            sock puppets
            sigpic

            Comment


            • #7
              Didja hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?






              He laid awake at night wondering if there was a dog.
              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
              My Latest Journal

              Comment


              • #8
                Are you a college student, trying to navigate college while being Primal? Do you know any other PB college students on a tight budget? Heck, for that matter, are YOU trying to live Primal on a budget? Enroll at Primal University!

                For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either.
                -- Blaise Pascal

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by naiadknight View Post
                  Didja hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
                  He laid awake at night wondering if there was a dog.
                  NK - double bonus points for funny and clean enough for any audience.
                  Never eat anything bigger than your own head.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Why do vampires save their used tampons?





                    in case friends drop by for tea!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      What's brown and sticky??






                      A stick.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
                        toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
                        Pre-Christmas pressure.

                        Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
                        stressed Santa even more.

                        When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
                        about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
                        Heaven knows where.

                        Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
                        the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

                        Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
                        of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
                        the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
                        dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
                        all over the kitchen floor.

                        He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off
                        the end of the broom.

                        Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
                        yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
                        Christmas tree.

                        The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
                        lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
                        stick it?'

                        And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
                        tree.

                        Not a lot of people know this.
                        Tayatha om bekandze

                        Bekandze maha bekandze

                        Randza samu gate soha

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          How do you know the name of a redneck blonde's boyfriend?





                          Read the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.
                          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                          My Latest Journal

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            What is the European ideal of Heaven?

                            1) The British are the policemen
                            2) The French are the cooks
                            3) The Italians are the lovers
                            4) The Germans organize everything

                            What is the European hell?

                            1) The French are the police
                            2) The Brits try to cook
                            3) The Germans are the lovers
                            4) The Italians are left to organize it all

                            p.s. The above joke was told to me by an Italian when he learned that my recently ex husband was German.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Paleobird View Post
                              p.s. The above joke was told to me by an Italian when he learned that my recently ex husband was German.
                              Es tut mir leid.
                              Started my journey on May 22, 2010:

                              Beginning weight ~180
                              Current weight ~145

                              Nov. 9, 2009........Nov. 9, 2010.....Jun. 17, 2011
                              LDL 155...............LDL 176............LDL 139
                              HDL 39................HDL 66..............HDL 95
                              TGL 154..............TGL 77..............TGL 49

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