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Please critique my staff wellness newsletter article

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  • Please critique my staff wellness newsletter article

    I was asked by my wellness committee at work to write a brief article about my Paleo diet. I have already exceeded my alloated word count of 900 words so I'll have to take something out to add anything.

    A few eye balls to check for Paleo authenticty (not grammer or format) would really be appreciated.


    Paleo Diet – A modern take on Primal Traditions

    Thanks.

    Tim

  • #2
    Looks like a winner to me.
    If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

    Comment


    • #3
      May I be really annoying? If the book you mention is the Sally Fallon/Weston A Price one, it's Nourishing, not Nuturing, Traditions.

      Great piece - you covered a lot of ground really clearly.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hey TKambitsch,

        Great letter! There are a couple typos (not many) and I'm not going to insult you by pointing them out. I am an English/Communications teacher, though, so can I make an Communications/Argument-y suggestion about organization?

        I'd move this line, "I have never dieted before but I. lost about 25 lbs. very quickly and effortlessly. In one sense Paleo is not a diet; there are no calorie counting or artificial limits. You eat until you are satiated. You can eat all you want, but just remember to eat right." closer to the top - like into the first paragraph. It contains some great sound bites that will pop out and people will likely remember even if they just glance at the letter.

        Also, I'd flip the "what I eat" and "what I don't eat" sections so that "what I eat" comes first. Start with the positive. People tend to encounter things they have resistance to and then either stop reading or shut off their brains so they miss what comes after.

        Great work! I hope it creates interest and understanding about how you eat!

        Comment


        • #5
          pretty good piece. succinct and informative, and a little bit humble, which is something i think people need more of while describing ancestral health topics.

          so, critical feedback:
          the second half of paragraph 3 sort of jumps topics a bit, and gets a bit confusing. it's also the only preachy part, IMO, in the whole thing. you could easily re-word that part, or just cut it out entirely.

          toward the end there is a short paragraph where you mention dieting. that could really be cut (unnecessary, or the weightloss can be worked in elsewhere, especially the next paragraph) or expanded (way of life, weight loss is a byproduct).

          ask the newsletter people if you can have a box to suggest some reading material, and you can cut that whole paragraph on books to get under your word count.



          terrific food porn too.
          http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60178.html

          Comment


          • #6
            You can cut out a lot of filler words and squeeze more in if you found the 900 word limit prevented you from saying everything you wanted to. For example, "I get a lot of joking from family, friends and even coworkers" you can take out "even" and get an additional word, or rewrite it shorter to say "Family, friends and coworkers tease me". Stuff like that can add up and gain you another paragraph. Another example: "Emulating a pre-agricultural diet was a pretty substantial change for me. Here is what the Paleo diet means for me." Take out the word "pretty" and the entire next sentence that starts with "Here". Your thoughts come through a little stronger without those fillers.
            Female, 5'3", 50, Max squat: 202.5lbs. Max deadlift: 225 x 3.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Tkambitsch View Post

              A few eye balls to check for Paleo authenticty (not grammer or format) would really be appreciated.
              Thanks.

              Tim
              Come on folks, read the instructions.
              If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

              Comment


              • #8
                I know he didn't want grammar or format, and I didn't give him that. I just offered tips on how to cut out some words so he can fit more in since he said he already exceeded the 900 word limit.
                Female, 5'3", 50, Max squat: 202.5lbs. Max deadlift: 225 x 3.

                Comment


                • #9
                  There's a brief mention of an insulin spike in there. I would remove or reword that sentence. That doesn't mean anything to someone who hasn't heard of Gary Taubes, so they're going to read it and say, "So?" You'd have to rework a lot of the piece to explain the insulin hypothesis in greater detail, which I don't think is necessary since your argument seems to mainly be about evolutionary discordance. That line's necessary to explain why you don't eat white potatoes, which I'm sure people are going to ask you about, so it may be better simply to promote roots and tubers in the piece and let people come to their own decision about starch. If they like the article and end up researching paleo, they're going to come across that debate pretty quickly anyway.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Looks pretty authentic to me. The only omission, in my opinion, is that you don't say why you choose local produce, grass fed beef etc. For me, that's a pretty important aspect of primal living.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Timthetaco View Post
                      There's a brief mention of an insulin spike in there. I would remove or reword that sentence. That doesn't mean anything to someone who hasn't heard of Gary Taubes, so they're going to read it and say, "So?" You'd have to rework a lot of the piece to explain the insulin hypothesis in greater detail, which I don't think is necessary since your argument seems to mainly be about evolutionary discordance. That line's necessary to explain why you don't eat white potatoes, which I'm sure people are going to ask you about, so it may be better simply to promote roots and tubers in the piece and let people come to their own decision about starch. If they like the article and end up researching paleo, they're going to come across that debate pretty quickly anyway.
                      I can see what you're getting at, but I think people have an automatic negative response to the word insulin, especially when you say insulin spike.
                      If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        That's great feedback.

                        Comment

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