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  • #61
    MalPaz, your passion and intensity and concern just got me choked up.

    Please, PaleoButterflyBoy, listen to MalPaz.
    Because if you didn't know, of that is life made: only of moments; Don't lose the now.
    ~Borges

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    • #62
      Originally posted by say_rahhh View Post
      MalPaz, your passion and intensity and concern just got me choked up.

      Please, PaleoButterflyBoy, listen to MalPaz.
      i am dead serious too. i am already in touch with someone who personally knows mark via my web blog and will do exactly what i say. i know what he is going through, and i know he cannot mentally change, but he wont get help either or do actuvely anything about it. thus, outside force IS necessary, as i beat around the bush about 'gaining' for 6 years and there is nothing i regret more than not f-ing doing something about it. i lost the best years of my life, literally 17-23. now at 24 i am JUST starting to be part of life again, out of my bubble, and i realize how much i missed, how selfish and secluded of a disease it is, and how absolutely necessary it is to put your trust in someone or something else. you simply just have to let go of your control

      its scary, but look at me, i am okay!!!! i am alive!!!! God freakin kept me here for a reason, and whether i ever find out what it is i cannot look on my past and regret, but i can look at today and how i can make a change, how i can help others, and how i can spread some kind of hope
      Get on my Level
      http://malpaz.wordpress.com/

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      • #63
        Get help. It might be the best thing you ever did. It might save your life. I'm sending good thoughts and hugs your way! It's so possible for you to totally turn things around, but it does take some time, and hard work. There are people who dedicate their lives to helping you make a healthy life and body a reality, all you need to do is commit to letting them.

        Your parents love you. They want you to be healthy and safe. White rice and potatoes are good for your body, try not to fear them.

        A man at 99 lbs and 6'... I can't even fathom it. People call me emaciated at 65" and 100 lbs. I know it's hard to process mentally and emotionally, but you are very, very far from looking or being healthy or normal right now. You are not fat. You are not going to 'get fat'. You need to put on some pounds through whatever means possible. Exercising is a terrible strain for your body and heart in this state. Please take it easy with any physical activity.

        Please feel free to PM me at any time, I will reply.
        Last edited by animalcule; 08-01-2010, 10:51 AM.

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        • #64
          +1 to what MalPaz said. I really think that you have no idea how serious of a situation you are in. When I was 130lbs last summer, I was frighteningly thin and fitness was not even on my mind, just having enough energy to do daily stuff was. You need to get an eating plan together and track what you eat so you know you are eating enough. You could literally gain 50lbs and still be lean, that's how skinny you are. I'm surprised you are actually alive, as I cannot imagine what 6 foot 99lbs looks like. You want to be superfit and have a good body, but you are not giving your body the resources to do so. The weight at which you will achieve both these goals is definitely at around 155lbs AT LEAST, if not more.

          Just to give you some clue on to how eating more is doing for me: Since this past tuesday, I've made a commitment to eat at least 2,500 calories per day, no matter what. In order to meet this goal I've had to eat some junk because paleo/primal foods are so filling (had 1,500 calories of ice cream yesterday), but the benefits are worth it. Despite feeling bloated and stuffed at times, my energy levels have been really good, and I just did three days of CF workouts in a row, something I haven't done for awhile due to not eating enough + not having enough energy (sleep was the same in both cases). I have so much energy that I cannot fall asleep until 12am, it's both a good and a bad thing heh. For the past three weeks, either my Dad or a doctor has weighed me once a week to keep track, and I've been doing well. Honestly, the doctor wanted me to be put into a in-patient clinic where they feed you, forcefully if need be, to gain weight, and talk to you about your problem and to get you to see the error of your ways. But I was able to convince my Dad to let me do it eating my way. Trust me, you don't want to be put in one of those, your life is over until you get out, which on the short side is give or take 6 months to a year.

          I didn't think I had a problem either, I was just eating when I was hungry. But I do realize that I need to make a conscious effort to eat when eating primally/paleo, or else I will not eat enough. You are in the same boat. STOP WORKING OUT AND EAT UNTIL YOU FEEL 100% BETTER! I know you think you will get fat if you just eat a bunch and don't work out, I thought the same thing, but the truth of the matter is you don't have enough fat on you to function properly. Like I said before, a good bit of what you are eating will be used just to repair all of the damage you have done. Heck, my doctor was concerned I had already done long-term damage to my organs and I weighed 135lbs, whereas you are 2 inches taller and 35lbs lighter! Eating some junk will not kill you and will help you to actually live and be able to enjoy all of the tasty primal food. Put down the barbell and weights, and pick up the fork, stop thinking you know what to do and listen to those around you.

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          • #65
            Originally posted by MalPaz View Post
            ...i lost the best years of my life, literally 17-23. now at 24...
            All the rest of this thread aside, 17-23 were some of the *worst* years for most folks I know.

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            • #66
              Hey MalPaz... TRUST ME! You have some AWESOME years ahead of you! Lucky you're on to the fix now!

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              • #67
                Originally posted by blank_faceplate View Post
                All the rest of this thread aside, 17-23 were some of the *worst* years for most folks I know.
                +1, please MalPaz, don't think those missed years were somehow "the best" ugh. At 26, I know that those were definitely not the best, and that my life just keeps getting better and better, with more opportunities, more fun and more experiences!!!

                Thank you for sharing so much MalPaz, as another recovering eating disorder survivor, it's so hard to see others suffering from such a devastating illness. You've helped me in the many posts where you've laid it out there, blunt and honest.

                PaleoButterflyBoy, I really hope you seek professional help. It really is the best thing you can ever do for your life, AND your body. If you do really want that healthy buff amazing body, the first thing you have to fix is your head. Then your heart, then the healthy body will come. Just ask MalPaz, or me or any of the others who have gone through this. Head first, then the body will come.
                The more I see the less I know for sure.
                -John Lennon

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                • #68
                  I am doing something about it, and I am getting help.
                  I am seeing the doctor for weigh-ins and I am putting the measures in place to make sure that I cant fail in my efforts to gain weight.
                  I have a plan and have a mentor to help me to where I want and need to be.
                  I am 100% not ignoring this problem and I will beat it.

                  Joe B: you say about eating junk, and I can see why that's useful in terms of getting calories in, but didnt those foods (that would be off limits on a primal menu) make you feel like junk in the way that the book, and any paleo experts, state? I only ask because when I began cutting out the sugar etc which made me feel better I became a lot more sensitive to the foods that I was avoiding and even larg quantities of fruit made me feel crazy, bouncing off the walls etc.
                  How many calories are/were you eating?
                  How has your weight gain been? Any problems or anything?

                  MalPaz: Thank you
                  Everyone: Thank you very much, I just need reassurance I suppose (and friends)

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                  • #69
                    Originally posted by Paleo Butterfly Boy View Post
                    I am doing something about it, and I am getting help.
                    I am seeing the doctor for weigh-ins and I am putting the measures in place to make sure that I cant fail in my efforts to gain weight.
                    I have a plan and have a mentor to help me to where I want and need to be.
                    I am 100% not ignoring this problem and I will beat it.

                    Joe B: you say about eating junk, and I can see why that's useful in terms of getting calories in, but didnt those foods (that would be off limits on a primal menu) make you feel like junk in the way that the book, and any paleo experts, state? I only ask because when I began cutting out the sugar etc which made me feel better I became a lot more sensitive to the foods that I was avoiding and even larg quantities of fruit made me feel crazy, bouncing off the walls etc.
                    How many calories are/were you eating?
                    How has your weight gain been? Any problems or anything?

                    MalPaz: Thank you
                    Everyone: Thank you very much, I just need reassurance I suppose (and friends)
                    This is awesome. Really and truly, you're being so strong in getting help. Sugar and junk food isn't good for anyone, for any reason. Think of the things we recommend for toddlers and children who are growing exponentially for years: full fat dairy, good quality meats (and fatty cuts for you!), vegetables with FAT (butter/bacon grease/olive oil), and if your parents want you to eat rice and potatoes then load those suckers up with butter/cheese/sour cream/whatever sounds good. If fruit doesn't agree with you, then just eat more vegetables and starchy tubers. Go for coconut products too, coconut is so very good for you, and (to me anyway) tastes delicious in just about any form.

                    You can gain weight and be healthy, and eating real foods is a great way to do it. We're all here for you when you need support, so don't be shy
                    You are what you eat,
                    and what you eat eats too - Michael Pollan

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                    • #70
                      Originally posted by Paleo Butterfly Boy View Post
                      I
                      How many calories are/were you eating?
                      How has your weight gain been? Any problems or anything?

                      MalPaz: Thank you
                      your welcome, and as much as i would like to believe you, i also know to take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt that an undernourished mind says, does and writes. Turst me, i know from experience. I REALLY want to believe you are telling the truth, so why dont you share with us some accomplishments, how you have felt and are feeling, and what it is like to sit still all day long. I would loveeeeee to hear about it(seriously) because I can help you through it.

                      to those of you who informed me i didnt miss much in my 'gone' years, thank you i know i cant keep looking back. What is hard for me is accepting that i was literally nonexistent to life for 6 years. like there could have been war and bombs going off outside my window and i meanwhile was freaking out about choosing between cheerios and total cereal or celery vs carrots and tallying, recounting, and obsessing about every minute detail of everything. it is such a hell of a nightmare.
                      Anyways, my point is it is hard to jump from 17 to 24 and realize how much maturing I have to do, how I really am, how I feel about things like my opinions, what stresses me, what i am offended by. Anorexia is the most selfish disease in the entire world. Realizing I care so deeply about so many people and aspects of life is like finding gold at the end of the rainbow. I actually have love for people again, and care. I can crack funny jokes and I can debate my opinion on things. I can speak up when something bothers me, and express those feelings. i ENJOY being with people, and talking about everything and nothing. But a huge difference is that i can SIT with myself and not absolutely have all hell break lose mentally. I have never been good at just 'being' and slowly I am forcing myself to not just 'be busy' gogogo 24/7. Meditation, reflection on the PRESENT, and not future tripping is good for me.
                      On key aspect, is tellin yorself you can do anything, really. I can eat whenever i want to, i can eat whatever i want to. I can go where I want, be who I want to be. It is all my choice. It didnt use to be- it's crazy. All aspects of my disease are NOT real, it is all fake. I need that constant reminder, like when i get on the scale or look in the mirror. it is simply not real and it is all an illusion you encompass in such a horrendous disease.

                      Anyways, paleo boy, please share your stress, fallbacks, triumphs and realizations throughout this experience. It will only help you to FEEL and EXPRESS what goes through your head, and trust me, there is not ONE THING you can possibly tell me I havent thought or that you think is crazy,,,,,,trrrrrrust me
                      Get on my Level
                      http://malpaz.wordpress.com/

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                      • #71
                        PS....stop freaking out about WHAT to eat your need to stop over analyzing, JUST EAT. If you need an example, this is 2 days worth of eats i had when i was gaining...

                        Monday:

                        - 1 cups full fat cottage cheese with frozen berries/peaches

                        - Coffee with heavy cream(at work)

                        - Spinach & tomatoes with 1 lb of taco seasoned fatty ground beef, cheese, avocado and sour cream (taco salad)

                        - Homemade pumpkin bread, 2 thick slices. One with coconut butter one with butter/mascarpone

                        - Glass of coconut milk (2 cups)

                        - Omelet with spinach & raw goat cheese cooked in butter

                        - 3/4lb chuck steak with onions/mushrooms & roasted winter squash in butter/garlic, turnip fries

                        Calories: 3465 when I put it in one those machine things

                        Tuesday:

                        - 2 HB eggs, one with cream cheese, one with butter oil(ghee)

                        - 3 servings of macadamia nuts

                        - Leftover chicken thighs(with skin), olive-oil based garlicky tomato sauce with parmesan over spinach

                        - 2 cups of full fat FAGE with cinnamon sprinkled over

                        - Sauerkraut & yellow squash, 3 chicken livers fried in butter, coconut (coconut flour & flakes) shrimp fried in coconut oil, jicama(Mexican potato) tossed in lime & chilli powder

                        - Salad with sun dried tomato, raw goat cheese, fried egg, random grass-fed hotdog and lotsa vegetables

                        - Homemade pumpkin bread warmed up with coconut milk poured over and raw almond butter all heated up

                        Calories: 3620 when I put it in one those machine things
                        Get on my Level
                        http://malpaz.wordpress.com/

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                        • #72
                          Thanks MalPaz, it was helpful to read what you were eating. Might have to work up to such vast quantities though.
                          I feel happier getting some help now, although I still fear failure - to me that's not turninig out how I want to look, because I have such a clear image of that in my mind. I guess the fact that I have been overweight in the past means that i'm scared to do exactly the opposite of what I have been doing and knowingly eating more than I need.
                          Not doing lots of training is very hard because I enjoy it so much, though some days I dont have the energy so that kind of makes the decision for me. Plus not being able to workout at the intensity I wanted to was getting frustrating, and I want to be able to do crossfit and all that crazy stuff eventually, and actually compete at it with others, which I cant at the moment.
                          What weight did you start at, and where are you now? How long did it take?
                          How do you look now?

                          HannahC: thanks for the encouragement, i'm sure i'll need that support because I tend to worry a lot about everything, and get stressed easily.
                          Thanks for being so helpful all of you.

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                          • #73
                            Here's my little gift to you ... creamed coconut. It's so delicious. I could eat the whole brick! I shouldn't but you could. Healthy calorific sweetness that melts in your mouth.

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