Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content

    So I finally mustered up the motivation/courage to start a journal, due to the encouragement of a friend (thank you, Ci!).

    I'm a 19 year old, 5'1 female, and I started my little dance with food and calories and everything else when I was 17, I think. Somewhere along the road, it went from just being careful about what I ate and going for a run every other day, to obsessing about every single calorie I put into my body and every single calorie I burned off. I had once considered throwing up my food, and I'll admit, I even attempted it. However (thankfully!) I was unsuccessful. Long story short, I developed exercise bulimia. It makes me cringe to think how much time I spent doing mindless cardio at the gym. I never realized my eating was getting that weird though. A single day where I exceeded 1200 calories would result in numerous hours at the gym. And even on a regular day, I might eat around 1000 calories and do a couple of hours of cardio. It was all about seeing the numbers on the scale go down. I dropped a fair amount of weight quite fast (I started off at 65kg and was 51kg in less than or around 6 months, I think). I still have a hard time saying I developed an eating disorder, because I feel "it isn't as extreme as everyone else's, you're being stupid, they're going to think you're being stupid. You weren't even scary thin, you were barely thin at all." But it is what it is! I ended up losing my period, and my skin started to get weird, and I'd get dizzy all the time. I was cranky and didn't want to do anything with anyone. This all stopped around 6-7 months ago, I think.

    My doctor told me to gain weight to get my period back, and she also told me I had to build muscle, because in my journey to lose weight, my body fat percentage was still high, but the amount of muscle I had was below the minimum required for my stats. So i gained and i gained and i ate and i ate. And i steered clear of the scale, because it terrified me to think I'd see a higher number. Then my period came back (and I was absolutely ecstatic, as silly as it may seem) and I stepped on the scale a few months later. This "few months later" entailed a lot of binging, because I was deathly scared of having a low calorie count, and well, i don't know. It was a weird time for me. So I was 62kg again. Not so great, and the panicking came back. I wanted to lose it, again. My doctor had said 53-54kg would be good for me. So that is the number I'm aiming for. But I'm really just aiming for a body that I'm content with (and if the number comes down, I wont lie, I'll be happy, because I'll be watching it).

    I found primal on one of my many miserable internet searches for how to drop weight in a healthy way. I want to drop the fat, but I want to do it properly. I want to be healthy and athletic. Not skinny and miserable. Not only that, I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want it to be something I'm obsessing over all day.

    So my ultimate goal : Get a kickass body and a serene state of mind by April 14th 2014 (the day before my 20th birthday). And this will be my journey to happiness, i hope. To a place where I'm finally content with myself and my life.
    Last edited by Driedmango; 06-19-2013, 08:45 PM.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  • #2
    Wednesday, 12th June 2013

    Sleep:
    1.30 - 8.30

    Exercise:
    Deck of Cards Circuit [Timed 22:20] - Do people actually know what that is, or did my trainer make it up?
    10 kneeling pull ups, 10 box jumps, 10 mountain climbers [x3]
    Some ab thingy where I lean at an angle and throw an 8lbs medicine ball back and forth with my trainer (I forgot what it's called)

    Food:
    Breakfast: Dates (we didn't have any eggs in the morning ) and a sweet potato frittata after my work out, and after i went grocery shopping (2 whole eggs, 3 egg whites)
    Lunch: Livers of something or the other (I don't know, my dad made it. It was yummy though!)
    Dinner: Pineapple and strawberry platter
    Snacks: Half can of tuna, 85% sugarfree dark chocolate, handful walnuts + almonds
    Calories: ~1400

    Thoughts and stuff:
    Today was good. I think. I was actually going to end the day on around 800 calories, and I had this sick "yessss low calories" sense of satisfaction. So I got out the strawberry/pineapple platter and as soon as I started eating it I realized I was actually really hungry. Even now, knowing I ate 1400 makes me feel weird, lol. I still feel like i've somehow miscalculated, and I'm actually at 200000 calories (just an exaggeration, before anyone jumps to shoot me!). But I'm getting better. And I'm trying to listen to my body more, and not obsess over the calories. Today my trainer decided to mention that I could eat as much protein + low carb veggies that I wanted. Aaaand she told me eating fat is key to fat loss. I sat there like " that's amazing" and in the back of my mind I was like "yay primal!!". I really hope I get to a point where I'm super committed to primal. I love it, and I know how good it makes me feel. But I keep letting myself have free days and stuff. I think it's because I just jumped into primal and went cold-turkey. I'm going to try and ease into it. As long as most of my food choices are primal, I'm happy.
    I had a few interesting run ins with people today, but before I ramble about it in my journal (is anyone even going to read this, though haha) I'm going to sit and analyze it like the over-thinker that I am. I've also babbled enough anyway, and I wouldn't want to scare everyone off of the journal right off the bat

    I walk slow, take my hand, help me on my way.
    Last edited by Driedmango; 06-13-2013, 08:46 AM.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by CiKi90
      Hey, great job on starting the journal! It can be kind of odd to get the routine of things going in here, and lay out everything in a way that you prefer, but you'll get it! Like I said sooo many times, this is YOUR journal and you should ramble and complain and give TMI and do anything you want, since it's yours, and you're not making anyone read it. Besides, someone IS reading it that may be able to give you a really awesome perspective that you may have never thought of before!

      P.S. I don't know what a Deck of Cards circuit is, but there are so many different names for things floating around, who knows! I'm happy that you decided to try and make yourself eat more food today, too, despite your reward signals going off for restricting. Yay!
      Thank youu! It was actually thanks to you haha. It still feels a bit awkward, but i'll just consider it my little notebook and spill my minds contents here.

      Well each symbol on the cards is given an exercise (hearts = squats, for example) and you pick a card and do reps equal to the number (king of hearts = 13 squats). And you do that till you finish the deck! We had extra jokers in the deck too, and jokers = burpees.
      It was fun though!
      Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

      Comment


      • #4
        I'm also reading. Your story is fascinating. And from my own experience, the best way out of an eating disorder is awareness and to stop the denial. And it looks like you're doing this. So well done

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by offroadannie View Post
          I'm also reading. Your story is fascinating. And from my own experience, the best way out of an eating disorder is awareness and to stop the denial. And it looks like you're doing this. So well done
          Thank you so much for reading ! And thank you for thinking my story is fascinating, haha. It's boring and tedious to my own mind, unfortunately. I am definitely actively trying not to fall into my old ways, although it's hard since that's the only sure-shot way I'd ever known for losing weight. But I'm getting there. Thank you so much!
          Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

          Comment


          • #6
            Wednesday, 13th June 2013

            Sleep:
            00.30 - 10.30
            It was one of the best nights of sleep I've had in a while. Woke up suuuper achey though. Pretty weird because I haven't been sore from a workout in a really long time. I lik it though!

            Exercise:
            Nothing, really. Does walking around shopping for my sister's birthday count? And then carrying a looooooot of bags and walking back?

            Food:
            Breakfast: Sweet potato frittata (2 Whole Eggs, 3 Egg Whites) - My breakfast doesn't really vary much.
            Lunch: Spinach Stew (with cubes of beef in it) - I should mention lunch is the "main meal" in my family.
            Dinner: Pineapple and strawberry platter
            Snacks: 10 almonds (yes, i counted them!) and 85% Unsweetened Dark Chocolate - Think I need to cut back on the chocolate! Might help kill the cravings.
            Calories: ~1250-1350

            Thoughts and stuff:
            Not much going on today. I kept busy, which is always good for my sanity. Woke up and had breakfast, did some cleaning, went out to get my sister's stuff, had lunch, went back out to get some stuff, talked to someone for a while, came back home aaaand here I am! The "someone" I talked to is actually a guy I know who seems to trigger a lot of my anxiety. But today was okay - it went really well. Then again, it always goes well, until I'm left to my own devices - then I overthink and the anxiety kicks in again. Hopefully not today! I think he may have been trying to ask me out, but I'm not sure about that either. I still find it hard to go into a lot of detail here, because I feel like it'll be a burden, so I won't dwell into it just yet .
            Food-wise it was a good day. My obsessing over calories/food seems to be at its worst when I'm free-er throughout the day. So I'm just going to keep as busy as possible everyday.
            I'm surprised I actually forgot this, since it upset me quite a lot this morning. Although I know it's bad to get on the scale as often as I do, I still do it. Heck, considering I used to weigh myself everyyy single day, or multiple times a day...I think getting on the scale every 2-3 days is pretty good for me. But! This morning I weighed myself and I was 2lbs heavier than I was 2 days ago. I knoooow it isn't 2lbs of fat, because there's no way I ate 7000+ extra calories, but it was still pretty demotivating. I'm thinking maybe it's because I'm retaining water, if my soreness is any indication. I hope so anyway!

            Because I always have a million and one questions running through my mind, and I'm always curious how different people would answer them, I thought I'd put a little "question of the day". Of course, this is all assuming people read this, but I don't lose anything by putting the question out there anyway - even if no one answers. But I'd love to see what sort of answers my questions would get

            Question of the day
            If you were interested in someone, and you could only ask one question, and they had to give you an honest answer...what would your question be?

            Lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall. Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see. But your soul you must keep totally free
            Last edited by Driedmango; 06-13-2013, 08:09 PM.
            Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

            Comment


            • #7
              My answer to your question of the day would be "what makes you happy?". I know how I would answer that if someone asked me that question.

              I have gotten to the point where I can weigh twice a day and not get upset if it goes up. It has been a great tool to see how my body reacts to certain foods rather than using it as a way to see if I am losing or not. Until you can get to that point, avoid the scale for a while.

              I am finding your journal interesting. Please don't stop writing!
              Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by honeybuns View Post
                My answer to your question of the day would be "what makes you happy?". I know how I would answer that if someone asked me that question.

                I have gotten to the point where I can weigh twice a day and not get upset if it goes up. It has been a great tool to see how my body reacts to certain foods rather than using it as a way to see if I am losing or not. Until you can get to that point, avoid the scale for a while.

                I am finding your journal interesting. Please don't stop writing!
                That's actually a reallyyyy good question. I can't believe it didn't even cross my mind. I personally wouldn't know how to answer that, though. What makes you happy, honeybuns ?
                I think it would be a great tool for me too. Unfortunately, I'd just panic at the sight of a higher number. Siiigh. That darn brain of mine!

                Haha I feel this may be a bit silly but I was actually super touched by your "I am finding your journal interesting. Please don't stop writing!". Thank you so much ! I'll probably start going into non-food stuff a bit more deeply. Maybe i'll split up the thoughts and stuff thing into two sections then, in case no one wants to read about my odd interactions with life and people .

                Thank you again!
                Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                Comment


                • #9
                  What makes me happy is being outdoors. Check out the last page of my journal for a brief look at who I am and what I do.

                  http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...d33909-98.html


                  The odd interactions about life and people make a journal the most interesting. I don't go back to the ones that only talk about food and workouts.

                  Even when I am not posting on your journal, I will be reading it!
                  Last edited by honeybuns; 06-13-2013, 06:13 PM.
                  Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by honeybuns View Post
                    What makes me happy is being outdoors. Check out the last page of my journal for a brief look at who I am and what I do.

                    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...d33909-98.html


                    The odd interactions about life and people make a journal the most interesting. I don't go back to the ones that only talk about food and workouts.

                    Even when I am not posting on your journal, I will be reading it!
                    I just went and had a look. Those pictures are absolutely stunning. Im so jealous! Ive never had a chance to go on any sort of amazing hikes.

                    And i must say, you have such a sweet looking face!
                    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thank you!

                      I'm going to give you some things to think about.

                      Like who you are
                      Love what you do
                      Believe in yourself
                      Never say quit
                      Positive mental attitude

                      Those five things can change the way you look at life.
                      Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Driedmango - I'm reading as well. Just found your journal. I need to start my own soon. Planning on next week, when I start my whole 30.

                        I find what you're writing to be very interesting. Please do add more about yourself. As was said above, someone will jump in with some good advise. I'm rather new to this way of life myself, so I don't tend to pass along ideas.

                        Grok on!




                        http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread107241.html

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by honeybuns View Post
                          Thank you!

                          I'm going to give you some things to think about.

                          Like who you are
                          Love what you do
                          Believe in yourself
                          Never say quit
                          Positive mental attitude

                          Those five things can change the way you look at life.
                          I agree, and I'm going to try my best

                          Originally posted by narrowminded View Post
                          Driedmango - I'm reading as well. Just found your journal. I need to start my own soon. Planning on next week, when I start my whole 30.

                          I find what you're writing to be very interesting. Please do add more about yourself. As was said above, someone will jump in with some good advise. I'm rather new to this way of life myself, so I don't tend to pass along ideas.

                          Grok on!
                          I look forward to reading your journal! I bombed on my attempt at a whole 30 haha. My "excuse" was anxiety leading to eating crap. But that's not a real excuse. And thank you for your interest! I'm going to be adding more about myself, and I'll just end up rambling and rambling (sorry in advance!).

                          Haha, grok on right back atcha!
                          Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Hey Mango, I think it's great that you're trying to rehabilitate your relationship with your body and food. A lot of us have our own issues with food and just because you never became "scary thin" doesn't mean your WOE wasn't disordered. I want to encourage you to keep thinking of yourself in a positive light and striving to nourish your body in every way possible - be it with food, exercise, or even the thoughts you project onto it - but to not put pressure on yourself. To say that you wish to be in a calm state of mind by such and such date creates a bit of anxiety, doesn't it? And that would defeat the purpose. I'm not implying that setting goals for yourself is a bad thing - not at all. But I implore you to be patient and lenient with yourself while you heal, allowing yourself all the time you need with no deadlines. Honestly, I think that if you approach it in this way you will heal much more quickly than doing otherwise. At the same time, what do you think about setting one goal for yourself at a time? I.e. first to stop weighing yourself, then to stop counting calories, etc. That might make your transition into a serene state of mind easier.
                            Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ombat View Post
                              Hey Mango, I think it's great that you're trying to rehabilitate your relationship with your body and food. A lot of us have our own issues with food and just because you never became "scary thin" doesn't mean your WOE wasn't disordered. I want to encourage you to keep thinking of yourself in a positive light and striving to nourish your body in every way possible - be it with food, exercise, or even the thoughts you project onto it - but to not put pressure on yourself. To say that you wish to be in a calm state of mind by such and such date creates a bit of anxiety, doesn't it? And that would defeat the purpose. I'm not implying that setting goals for yourself is a bad thing - not at all. But I implore you to be patient and lenient with yourself while you heal, allowing yourself all the time you need with no deadlines. Honestly, I think that if you approach it in this way you will heal much more quickly than doing otherwise. At the same time, what do you think about setting one goal for yourself at a time? I.e. first to stop weighing yourself, then to stop counting calories, etc. That might make your transition into a serene state of mind easier.
                              I can't deny that it creates a bit of anxiety. But I guess it was my way of "ensuring" that on my 20th I don't feel as horrible about myself as I did on my 19th (because it was pretty bad). I actually agree with you, and I find that the times where I'm more lenient with myself, I'm a lot more successful - in all the aspects of my life. It's just hard to kind of "let go". I also reaaallyyyy do want to stop weighing myself and counting calories. And I will, eventually. I've tried doing both, already. When I tried not to weigh myself, I ended up barely eating because I thought I might be counting the calories wrong, and I'd end up panicking and running back to the scale. When I tried to stop counting calories...well I was a lot more at peace - but the panic would always come back at some point, and because I've been doing it so long, I have all the numbers in my head already. I know this is all controlled by the fact that I'm so terrified of gaining anymore weight, and that I should focus more on other things - like the way I think of myself, etc, and working to fix that. But it's reallyyy hard. I even know that at the times where I wasn't actively thinking of losing weight - I lost weight. But I just don't trust myself anymore when it comes to food, or how to treat my body, I think. But I'm trying! And I'm sure, with time, I'll get there.

                              Thank you so much for your advice and support, Om
                              Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X