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Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content

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  • I think the more you neglect to think about food, the better. Try to eat food that you don't have to prepare yourself, eat what sounds good to you, etc. If possible, don't even stock up on food at home. That way you can go out and get whatever you want to eat at that moment. This might not be feasible at times but try to make it work.
    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

    Comment


    • Monday, 1st July 2013

      New Month, New Beginning

      Thoughts and Stuff


      Yay, I finally have access to a laptop again!

      I'm finally settling back into life in Dubai. I'm surprised at how much I miss Montreal. For the past 4-5 days I've been absolute garbage in ridiculous amounts. So of course, when I weighed in today, I'd gained (no surprise, but I hadn't gained as much as I thought I would've). By the way, I'm fairly certain this was the longest I'd gone without weighing in a long time, lol. And I plan on not weighing for two weeks. Hopefully this way I can get it to three weeks, four weeks, etc.

      I've eaten sooo much junk, and it was sooo yummy. But I'm starting to feel like crap now. Physically, not mentally (not yet, anyway). So here's a list of my wonderful "problems":

      1)Last night I was eating some chicken and I could literally feel the bite I took move down my intestines, and it got to a certain point about an inch and a half above my belly button to the left, and hurt like hell. I thought it was just some random thing, so I tried again, and lo and behold, there it was again. So I left the food, obviously, but the pain just stayed there for a good while after. This morning I tried again, and there it was again. Later on, I tried again, and now the pain was right under my breast bone. I'm really not sure how to describe the pain, but I'm definitely worried. I've never had anything like that happen before. I was wondering if I'd somehow stressed my intestines or whatever with the giant amounts I was eating all of a sudden. Is that possible? I don't really want to get a tubecamerathing shoved down my throat, lol.
      2)I feel so bloated, like my lower stomach has just expanded beyond belief. And I know I'm retaining water from my hands and ankles/feet.
      3)I always feel so goddamn thirsty, even though I drink over 3 liters a day. And my lips chapped to a ridiculous degree right in the middle of my bottom lip, which is ridiculously annoying, because I always forget and smile/laugh and it rips open.
      4)When I inhale it doesn't feel like the breath is complete, if that makes sense.

      I've decided to definitely cut out the junk I've been eating again, because it's just not worth it. Although I'm not going to make a huge fuss over staying primal, I do want to eat as natural as possible. I managed to go grocery shopping today and bought a tonne of fruits. I also got some smoked turkey deli meat thingy, yogurt, and soup-in-a-cup. The yogurt and soup are mainly because it doesn't hurt as much to swallow liquids. I can't make any home-made soup yet, because the kitchen's still pretty messed up. I don't think I ever would've noticed how shitty all this processed stuff makes me feel if I hadn't tried primal. I even miss my organic dark chocolate with fruit bits .

      On a different note, I saw my best friend today! We were talking about weight for some reason, and she told me her weight (the same as mine, but she's around 165-170cm whereas I'm 155.5 (the .5 is super important) cm), and at one point I jokingly said I was just going to catch up to her weight (I didn't tell her how much I weighed) and she said "no way, you'd be huge". I think that's a compliment, because it means I look smaller than I weigh, right? And she also said something about how I was being stupid, and that I was really small as it is. I don't know why no matter how many times people tell me I'm really not as big as I think I am, I just can't seem to get myself to believe it. I just don't want to be "acceptable". I want to have a body that I'm really really proud of, I guess. And I know i can get it, if I would stop getting in my own way. Definitely some ED stuff still going on here, lol.

      Buuuuut! Vacation is going well, it's really hot, happy to see friends and old places and my home and definitely happy to be back on MDA . I'm going to be posting properly again starting tomorrow, hopefully.

      Oh and I'll finally be fixing my sleep pattern tonight. It has been crrraaayyyzayyy since I got here, and I intentionally stayed out as long as possible so I couldn't crawl into bed in the middle of the day. And it was fun! I'd forgotten how much I love it here.

      Looking forward to catching up with everyone's journals tomorrow, since I'm completely exhausted tonight.

      I hope everyone out there is having a gloooriouuus day.

      Question Of The Day
      Have you ever gotten in your own way in regards to something you really wanted? If so, how did you kick your own ass out of the way?

      So get off your low, let's kiss like we used to
      Last edited by Driedmango; 07-02-2013, 07:48 AM.
      Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

      Comment


      • I get in my own way all the time food wise. Everywhere else in life I'm rational and controlled while still being really flexible. I have food issues I guess. I'm trying to figure this out with the resources that are available to me.
        "I came to live out loud!" -Emile Zola

        Comment


        • Sorry to hear you're having some problems, but great that you're seeing your friends and at least the food is yummy

          I think you can be proud of your body no matter what it looks like if you take care of it and keep it strong. And your friend is probably right - you do not look big. You only feel that way because relative to how you were you are larger.

          Try to eat some things that make you feel good and just enjoy the rest!
          Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Tandy View Post
            I get in my own way all the time food wise. Everywhere else in life I'm rational and controlled while still being really flexible. I have food issues I guess. I'm trying to figure this out with the resources that are available to me.
            That sounds like me, actually. I hope you figure it out as soon as possible!

            Originally posted by ombat View Post
            Sorry to hear you're having some problems, but great that you're seeing your friends and at least the food is yummy

            I think you can be proud of your body no matter what it looks like if you take care of it and keep it strong. And your friend is probably right - you do not look big. You only feel that way because relative to how you were you are larger.

            Try to eat some things that make you feel good and just enjoy the rest!
            Thank youu, and you're totally right! It's just the number on the scale that's completely dictating my feelings towards my body, which is ridiculous. I've mentioned it in my journal before, but all my clothes from when I was at my lowest weight still fit pretty much the same. It's all just a mental thing, and I know that.
            I will, thanks again !

            Originally posted by CiKi90
            Happy July! I thought you might be off line the entire time you were on vacation! It's good to see that you're having a semi-good time.

            A few questions regarding your tummy troubles -- you don't have to answer anything if you feel like it's TMI, lol.
            1) traveling can be harsh on the digestive system, are you kind of, ahm, backed up?!
            2) How is your salt intake/electrolyte levels, are they balanced? That could cause a lot of thirst, bloating, and swelling.
            3) (not really a question, but) do you have any Vaseline/petroleum jelly at home? If you do, you can rub some on your mouth before you go to bed at night, and it will help to heal your mouth while you're sleeping. You can also rub an excess amount of it on your lips before you get into the shower, so that the steam will help to soften it up quickly. If you don't have petroleum jelly, you can just use a buuuunch of lip balm, lol. Or maybe even coconut oil, but I've never tried that!

            Answer of the Day!
            I always get in the way of myself when it comes to getting things that I want. It's usually due to my perfectionist state of mind when it comes to myself, but I am much more lenient on other people. Sometimes, I mess up on small things because of my perfectionist attitude -- i.e., when I am making dinner and I need it to be perfect, so I'll add in something "Extra" and then it screws the whole thing up. Or I"ll try to do something fancy and then I'm concentrating too hard on one thing, and I burn everything else! lol. But I have screwed myself over on larger things, too, my eating disorder being one obvious example. It all comes down to anxiety and fear, really, which I am constantly full of but trying to work toward getting over.
            Haha no, i think I check MDA more than I check facebook, now!
            1)I'm actually not backed up. My BMs have been the same as ever (so, not frequent, but that's my "regular").
            2)I don't know about that. I've never monitored salt/electrolyte. Buuut I woke up super thirsty again today
            3)I love vaseline I always carry around a tiny little vaseline cocoa butter tub. I forgot i brought it with me. I'll try the shower thing too.

            I feel the same way, lol. I don't think your ED was really you "screwing yourself over", since that isn't really completely in your control. But still, you've been working really hard to remedy that, and I, for one, think you've done a maaarvelous job !
            Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

            Comment


            • Tuesday, 2nd July 2013

              Sleep:
              1.30 - 10.30

              Exercise:
              All I've really been doing lately is exercise videos and walking.

              Walking:
              ~Two hours of walking
              ~7 miles

              Fitness Blender Videos:
              Lower Body Toning Workout - 56 Minute Butt and Thigh Tabata Workout - Fitness Blender
              Quick and Intense Bodyweight HIIT Cardio Workout - Blenders HIIT Harder! - Fitness Blender
              I wasn't motivated enough to try and figure out how to do the lizard hop, so I just replaced it with bench jumps.

              Food
              Breakfast: Smoked turkey deli slices + strawberry yogurt
              Lunch: Cream of mushroom soup (1 cup) + smoked turkey deli slices
              Dinner: Cream of mushroom soup (1 cup) + strawberry yogurt
              Snacks: A plum, a mango, some strawberries and some cherries
              The turkey ended up hurting my stomach when I swallowed again, so both times I gave up and went for soup/yogurt. The mango/plum/strawberries went down okay, but the cherries started to hurt too.

              Thoughts and Stuff
              I finally fixed my sleep pattern, yaaay! It was a really lazy day, I spent most of it watching Disney with my younger sister (guilty pleasure of mine, haha).
              The stomach pain stuff is starting to annoy/scare me. But I'm going in for a check up tomorrow, and I guess I'll find out what's going on.
              Not much going on today apart from that, but I'm feeling pretty content, so that's good

              Question Of The Day
              What's something you've always wanted to be given as a gift? And what would you consider the best gift you've ever received?

              And there's a light in the distance waiting for me, and I will wait for you
              Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by CiKi90
                Well, it sounds like you're just retaining water/fluid instead of your body using it up. Maybe see if you can get magnesium, potassium and sodium in your diet (coconut water, bananas, salting your food liberally) to balance things out. traveling is always horrible on my system so just take it easy. Maybe lay off the exercise a little, or at least ease up if you don't feel good!

                Answer of the Day:
                I've really always wanted lasik eye surgery, lol. A long time ago, my mom said that she would try and get the surgery for me, but that never happened. I tried to save up on my own, but that didn't work out either. My boyfriend has been talking about it, too, but we haven't gotten very far in the discussion! But it's what I've always wanted, ever since I knew it existed!
                I think the best gift I ever received was a 3-week long trip with my boyfriend to Paris, with a 3-day mini-trip to Rome during the summer. I love traveling so much, and I can't wait to go to more places around the world! Which makes me want to ask you, what's Dubai like? Is it very different?
                You should bring up the lasik with your SO again, then. I would definitely have done it by now, if it was an option for me!
                Well it depends, different to what? If we're talking about Canada, the most apparent difference would be that you can't walk anywhere (wayyy too hot and usually things will be too far). And around the summer, not much outdoorsy stuff can take place (because the weather is so extreme here, lol). So most outings are in the shopping malls (but then again, one of the shopping malls has an indoor ski thingy lol). And of course, there's the beach! But it's great you should come visit!
                Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                Comment


                • Thursday, 4th July 2013

                  Totally spaced out and fell asleep at around 6 pm yesterday, so I didn't post, but oh well!

                  Sleep
                  18.30 - 1.30 and 2.30 - 6.30

                  Exercise
                  1) Walking
                  ~2 hours
                  ~7 miles
                  2) Exercise Video
                  http://www.fitnessblender.com/v/work...ms-Workout/ei/

                  Food
                  Meal one: Flat iron steak with broccoli
                  Meal two: Turkey deli slices
                  Snacks: a mango, a banana and a maple syrup lollipop
                  Calories: ~1000

                  Thoughts and Stuff
                  I went to the doctor this morning to get the stomach pain thing checked out, and apparently I have Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease (GORD - that always makes me giggle). A fancy shmancy way of saying the acid in my stomach caused 'mucosal damage' in my oesophagus. Basically the sphincter at the end of my oesophagus isn't functioning properly so the acid creeps up. Apparently it can be permanent, but i really reallyyy hope not. I have meds for it now, but it's super annoying.
                  Spicy food, fatty/fried food and sugar also all apparently increase irritation. Weird stuff. The doctor just said 'there's lots of reasons why it happens' and i just didn't think to ask what. Google is my friend!
                  Last night i had a major bout of anxiety whilst thinking of the future. Will i always have such a messed up relationship with food? Will i always count every little calorie? Am i always going to be like this?
                  Ah well. Aside from all that, today was pretty mellow.

                  Question Of The Day
                  If you think back over the past few years, have you drastically changed in any way? Is there something you thought you'd never shake that just faded away over time?

                  I'm posting all this from my phone because i'm too lazy to get to the laptop - pretttyyy bad.
                  Last edited by Driedmango; 07-05-2013, 05:51 AM.
                  Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                  Comment


                  • You guys spell things funny. Regarding the GORD (or GERD), please be careful. Your doc probably prescribed you anti-acids, but more often than not it is caused by having too LITTLE stomach acid. If that is the case for you, you can damage yourself further by taking those meds.

                    QOTD: over the past few years everything has changed: depression, anxiety, general outlook and approach to life. Some parts of me changed merely because I got older, moved away from a stressful environment, met new people, took drugs, stopped thinking so damn much, found new interests, figured out what was important / not important to me. Nothing can be forced, it just happens.
                    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by ombat View Post
                      You guys spell things funny. Regarding the GORD (or GERD), please be careful. Your doc probably prescribed you anti-acids, but more often than not it is caused by having too LITTLE stomach acid. If that is the case for you, you can damage yourself further by taking those meds.

                      QOTD: over the past few years everything has changed: depression, anxiety, general outlook and approach to life. Some parts of me changed merely because I got older, moved away from a stressful environment, met new people, took drugs, stopped thinking so damn much, found new interests, figured out what was important / not important to me. Nothing can be forced, it just happens.
                      Haha we do. I was in a British high school and stuff, so that might be it. I always alternate between American and British spelling, but meh. He did prescribe one anti-acid, and one thingy that coats the esophagus before I eat. I don't know if it's just a placebo effect, but the pain already seems to be improving.

                      I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you're just a little ball of wisdom, lol. I definitely know that you can't really force changes, as far as psychological aspects go, but I can't seem to stop trying. I'm glad things have gotten/are getting better for you though .
                      Originally posted by CiKi90
                      Ah, that's awful that you got GERD, but at least they knew what it was right away, when you went to the doctor. As someone who struggled with having unknown GI issues for years and years, it's a relief to know that you aren't having trouble just getting a diagnosis. I hope the meds help everything out a lot and your eating habits go back to normal!

                      QOTD: I have changed a lot over the last few years, I guess. I changed my major in college, became undecided with that, have started to relax a bit when it comes to social anxiety, and have gotten a lot more interested in my overall health rather than just being skinny. My views on what's healthy and what isn't (food-wise) has also changed, as well as my weight, and my anorexia changed to orthorexia, kinda. I also realized how much my family effects my mental health, and made decisions accordingly. I thought I would never be able to get as strong and healthy as I am right now, and I thought I would never be able to relax as much as I do now, although I really don't relax that much! Lol! Oh -- and I always used to make cupcakes and desserts for people and bring them to parties, but I reaaaaaallly don't find that to even be remotely fun anymore, even though at the time I thought I'd be obsessed with it forever!
                      It was pretty funny, he just kept poking my stomach, and I'm super ticklish, so I had to struggle to stop myself laughing and stop myself going like "stahhhppp, stahp poking ma bellyyyy".

                      I think your progress is amazing, lol. And I can relate to a lot of what you're saying (although I haven't found my way out of the tunnel, quite yet). I actually also used to always make cupcakes and desserts for others, now I'm like "meh, do I have to?" if someone asks, lol. For what it's worth, I think you have a kickass figure, by the way. Definitely looks strong, but feminine at the same time. Is it weird that that's the kind of body I'm aiming towards ? Although it seems like it would take light years for me to get there. *Shrug* Never hurt to aim high!
                      Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                      Comment


                      • Friday, 5th July 2013

                        Sleep

                        10.30 - 5.30 and a nap from 11.30 - 13.45ish.
                        Can't seem to actually fix my sleep pattern.

                        Exercise
                        Just walked for an hour, around 3 miles. Wanted to just take it easy today.

                        Food
                        Meal one: Turkey deli slices + yogurt
                        Meal two: Portuguese grilled chicken
                        Meal three: Portuguese grilled chicken left overs
                        Snacks: Cup of soup, a mango, a banana and a cob of corn
                        Calories: ~1700-1800
                        I was actually really ravenous today, which I think is kinda weird considering I was very inactive. I ate sooo much chicken.
                        Cravings: Frozen yogurt aaand a cheeseburger, thanks to Om's cheeseburger pic.

                        Thoughts and Stuff
                        DOOONUTS. There were sooo many donuts in the house today. And these cuuute mini donuts. But I didn't have any, just because I didn't want to risk aggravating my oesophagus or whatever. Aaand I didn't want to trigger a binge. Which, I feel would also damage my oesophagus. Speaking of which, I have this weird hollow, gnawing feeling where I usually get the pain when I swallow. Of course, I googled it, and google spat out "peptic ulcer" (and said that a symptom of peptic ulcers is displaying symptoms of GORD/GERD). I don't know though, google also tends to spit out cancer cancer cancer. But I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and see if he has any thoughts.
                        I actually almost went and did a bunch of exercise videos because I felt I ate too much, but I managed to talk myself out of it. Whiiiich I consider a little success - I definitely would never have talked myself out of it before. It's not huge, but hey, I'll take it. I am looking forward to working out tomorrow though (just because I actually genuinely enjoy exercise). But I miss powerlifting, since I don't have access to a power lifting cage thingy...or a barbell, yet . Fitness blender videos and walking it is, for now!

                        Question Of The Day
                        Has someone ever convinced you (or tried to) to do something you really didn't want to do, or something you felt was wrong? If so what was it, and how did it turn out? If they tried and failed, what stopped you from caving?

                        A voice beckoned gently,
                        "Now it's time to go"
                        A requiem played as you begged for forgiveness
                        "Don't touch me," I screamed,
                        "I've got unfinished business!"
                        Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Driedmango View Post
                          Haha we do. I was in a British high school and stuff, so that might be it. I always alternate between American and British spelling, but meh. He did prescribe one anti-acid, and one thingy that coats the esophagus before I eat. I don't know if it's just a placebo effect, but the pain already seems to be improving.

                          I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you're just a little ball of wisdom, lol. I definitely know that you can't really force changes, as far as psychological aspects go, but I can't seem to stop trying. I'm glad things have gotten/are getting better for you though .
                          Cool. if it's working for you, keep at it.

                          And you're right, you can't force changes. You can, however, put yourself in situations where a change is likely to occur.

                          In response to Ci's response to QOTD: If you're a naturally kind, caring, concerned, and giving person, there are people who will take advantage of that. You have to learn how to keep yourself open without letting everyone in..
                          Last edited by ombat; 07-05-2013, 06:04 PM.
                          Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by CiKi90
                            Yeah, I know how you feel, I am so ticklish that some people can just look at me and wiggle their hands like they MIGHT tickle me, and I'll scream! Haha, it's awful.

                            Thanks for the compliment! It means a lot that you're aiming toward my figure ... it's kind of hard to believe that I've gotten to this point, actually! I don't really know what your body looks like right now, but I do see how much you work out, which is a looot! You definitely have the dedication to sculpt your body in any way that you're aiming for. Pretty soon, you're going to pass me up (if you already haven't! lol!)

                            Also, it really takes a lot to avoid tiny cute donuts everywhere, lol! I'm not sure if you have as big of a sweet tooth as I do, but I know it'd definitely take me a loooot of avoiding the donut area to not sneak a few.

                            Question of the Day: People always try to get me to do things for them, all the time. I think it's just the kind of person that I come off as. I mean, I love to do things for people, but it gets irritating to only have people contact me when they want me to do something! Like I said before, I always used to make baked goods/tiny cupcakes and bring them out to parties, but then people would sometimes ask me to make cakes and stuff for them for a party or their birthday ... when I didn't even know them! If it was someone I knew, I would never have a problem, but I often got people just trying to get free stuff outta me and they didn't even know my name .. just "That one Cupcake Chick." lol! Yeah, the whole reason that I stopped making them (other than it getting really expensive) was that I felt people no longer appreciated the gesture, and just started to expect it from me. Other than that, people always try to convince me to drink alcohol, but I never give in!
                            Haha I'm the same (the tickling thing).

                            I don't think you realize how good your figure is! I think a looot of women would strive for that kind of figure if they saw your pictures. I am starting to realize I'm a looot more active than my brain registers. But I actually do enjoy it, and i get antsy when I don't exercise. My issue is mostly psychological and food related though. If i don't binge, i don't doubt I can meet my body image goals.

                            Buuut i definitely haven't beat you haha. I'm still soft and stuff, whereas you're all lean.

                            As for the QOTD, maybe you come off as a bit too nice? Anyone i made cupcakes for was always super happy about it, which is the only reason i did it. You need to put your tough face on!
                            Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by ombat View Post
                              Cool. if it's working for you, keep at it.

                              And you're right, you can't force changes. You can, however, put yourself in situations where a change is likely to occur.

                              In response to Ci's response to QOTD: If you're a naturally kind, caring, concerned, and giving person, there are people who will take advantage of that. You have to learn how to keep yourself open without letting everyone in..
                              I agree. I'm trying to kind of expand my horizons and put myself out there a little more. I think I really need a change - and a big one at that. What I've been doing clearly hasn't been working for me, anyway. Just need to figure out something new to throw myself into. Or something like that, my train of thought is pretty frazzled at the moment, haha. Sorry if i'm not making very much sense!
                              Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                              Comment


                              • Saturday, 6th July 2013

                                Sleep

                                22.30 - 3.00 and 5.00 - 11.00

                                Exercise
                                1) Walking
                                ~2 hours
                                ~7 miles
                                2) Fitness Blender
                                Fit is Better than Skinny ? Upper Body Strength & Cardio Training Workout - Fitness Blender
                                Pilates Abs and Obliques, Workout - 26 Minute Fitness Blender Online Pilates Class - Fitness Blender
                                Felt like my recovery from the cardio intervals in the first video was off, and I was out of breath a lot. Doesn't usually happen, so that was weird.
                                And pilates is hard. I was so confused, I had no clue if I was doing the imprint thing right. My abs hurt though, so maybe?

                                Food
                                Meal one: Yogurt + turkey slices
                                Meal two : Sushiiii and seafood dumplings.
                                Meal three: Frozen yogurt
                                Snacks: Pineapple
                                Calories: ~1150

                                Thoughts and Stuff
                                Not much, today was a good day, over all. No blimps on the radar or anything. I'm happy!
                                Oh! I did have that bingey feeling at some point, and I was thiiiis close to ordering a bajillion baked goods to take home. But I didn't another mini success!

                                Question Of The Day
                                What's your biggest pet peeve?
                                Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

                                Comment

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