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Kensington Road: A Journal to there and back again

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  • Kensington Road: A Journal to there and back again

    On my terms...

    My first attempt at living a primal lifestyle was an absolute and complete failure from the standpoint of losing the weight, adjusting my lifestyle and pretty much any other measurable variable or goal that I set. I've come to terms with this. Fact is as I return to this site and hopefully this way of life I am heavier than I have ever been. I cannot blame anyone but myself for the outcome that occurred. I was the one that let the eating habits return, I am the one that decided to eat processed shit, sugar and salt because it was just easier than getting my fat ass off the couch to make something out of real food and I am the one that rationalized it all while I watched the weight come back and the tenuous hold on what little fitness I had worked so hard to gain slip from my grasp and then fall into oblivion.

    I'm tired of carrying the extra weight, being the one people look at on the beach with the "OMG don't take off your shirt" dirty looks. I'm tired of not wanting to even go to the beach just because of those looks and how I feel about this body when I look in the mirror. Self loathing and disgust for one's own body is never a good thing. I'm tired of being the "fat one" at my work and the off the cuff comments that get made like "oh better get in line before he does. Haha." or "riiiiight you don't eat donuts. Sure thing chief." or my all time favorite "I heard you were coming to the meeting so I brought extra." I'm done with every time I go to the doc (which is not often) it doesn't matter what the issue is the answer seems to always be "lose some weight." Did you know that's the cure for a broken finger? Neither did I!?!

    So the way I see it I have two choices: 1. Eat myself into oblivion (this option doesn't seem to work, I've tried it.) 2. Get my fat ass up and get doing something to lose the weight to eliminate the common factor between all these situations - the fat.

    Yes I am shallow, I admit it. I want to look good, both in and out of my clothes. I want to be able to enter into fun runs and other activities like my co-workers. I want to be the one that 'lives the good life' and can walk into any store and buy clothes because I fit into average sized closes like everyone else. I want to be able to take those clothes off at the beach and watch all those people with the dirty looks on the beach watch me walk by fit and lean. I want these things and I am willing to put the effort in to get them because I'm sick to death of not living my life and having no energy and no drive to do anything.

    Welcome to my rock bottom - There is only one way to go from here - up. It won't be pretty and it won't be rainbows, sunshine and unicorns all the time but this is my journal - it will be brutally honest - it has to be for me - and it WILL be a journal of success.

    Jump on board for one hell of a ride if you dare - but you will have to be fast because I am not stopping for you. I'm not stopping for anyone.

    B: 3 eggs scrambled, one garden fresh tomato, half an avocado, two slices cheddar cheese and 1 cup skim milk
    L: 1 can white tuna, one garden fresh tomato, two cheese slices.
    S: Salad of some kind - not decided yet.

    By the numbers:
    Hips: 40"
    Waist: 51"
    Chest: 50"
    Shoulders: 59"
    Weight: 304.4 lbs
    Body Fat: 37.9%

    Welcome to my journey - game on!
    “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

    "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler

  • #2
    Cheering you on, PP. You can do this.

    No negative self talk, mind. Just great healthy and delicious food, and some enjoyable moving around.

    Best wishes, A
    Annie Ups the Ante


    • #3
      “If you want to make a permanent change, stop focusing on the size of your problems and start focusing on the size of you!”

      Quotes... aren't they a wonderful thing? I'm sure every person on this site that has decided to make a change in their life has had more than one motivational quote spewed at them from well meaning (and maybe some not so well meaning) people. I made the jump back into primal living yesterday and it was noticed right away by both my body and those around me. I'm sure they mean well but sometimes I wonder if our society does not maybe allow a little bit of fat hating as the last acceptable discrimination out there. Make fun of someone because of their color, religion, sexual orientation, age or disability and god help you, but poke a little harmless fun at someone who is a little larger in size and its good cause to join in a round of laughter.

      I've decided to use those well intentioned if not misguided pokes at my size and shape as a driving force to help me change what I need to change. It seems effective too. When I need that little extra push to get over the hill, put the processed food down or push it just a little bit farther I call up something that was said in jest to me or about me and it seems to refocus me, give me that little edge I was missing and that jolt to do what has to be done. It gives me just a little attitude to push through.

      Here is a smattering of the quotes I keep for just these occasions.
      1. "He's not fat he's big boned."
      2. "On another diet huh? What craziness is it this time."
      3. "There is just more of you to love."
      4. "Hey, you are eating healthy today! Good for you!"
      5. "Go on enjoy a piece (put in dessert here) you've earned it."
      6. "I heard you were coming so I brought extra."
      7. "Better get in line before he does or there will be nothing left."
      Translation (at least to me)
      1. "He can't help that he is fat."
      2. "It's not going to work."
      3. "You can't help that you're fat."
      4. "You eat crap most of the time."
      5. "Your fat already so just eat it."
      6. "Your fat you must eat a ton."
      7. "Your fat you must eat a ton."

      What all of this boils down to (again to me) is "You're fat you can't get in shape" and this leads me to my 2 personal favorite quotes "If you want me to do something tell me I can't" and “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”

      These two quotes pretty much sum up my feeling towards becoming a healthier and better me. I plan to use the slights to my advantage and to drive my changes with them in mind. I plan to not give people a reason to think those things about me anymore or ever again, not for their comfort - I couldn't care less about that - but for my comfort and my health. I plan to use those quotes to help keep me on the straight and narrow and to remind me why I don't want to fall off the wagon again just when results are starting to show. Yes quotes are a truly wonderful thing!

      Yesterday I decided to do some suicides (we call them there and backs when working with the kids) with my students. It felt great to get active again and it also showed me just how out of shape I am and so are some of my students. This is something that I need to address both for me and for them. I plan to do some more today after school so I can start to build up my cardio. I also dusted off an old book I bought many moons ago about running. With summer coming this might be a great time to try and pick up the activity again. I'm starting slow but also looking forward to it. This Saturday (weather permitting) I will be hiking up Prairie Mountain and looking forward to that as well its a great workout and I think would also count as play.

      Supper last night turned out to be amazing! I cooked some shrimp and made a salad with fresh herb mix and spinach, carrots, green onions, red bell peppers and thinly sliced apple. I combined the shrimp and salad and mixed in a homemade dressing with a little mayo (not primal) 1 tsp of garam masala and the juice of a lime. It was light, filling and very tasty.

      B - Zucchini slices sautéed in coconut oil with homemade guacamole and sliced ham
      L - Left over shrimp and salad with homemade garam masala/lime dressing
      S - BBQ Deer Steak and grilled & raw veggies

      So this is living the good life... yeah I remember this feeling!
      Last edited by Primal Primate; 06-12-2013, 07:37 AM.
      “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

      "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


      • #4
        Originally posted by Annieh View Post
        Cheering you on, PP. You can do this.
        Thanks Annieh! Your support is very much appreciated! Grok on!
        “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

        "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


        • #5
          I'm following with interest. I KNOW you can do this. Blessings as you continue forward!



          • #6
            Originally posted by narrowminded View Post
            I'm following with interest. I KNOW you can do this. Blessings as you continue forward!

            Thanks Sue! I am feeling pretty good about it this time around too.
            “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

            "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


            • #7
              Good to see you back..... One of the things I learned a while back (long before Primal days) was that you only lose the fight when you quit fighting.... seems like your not done fighting.... good for you! Welcome back. I look forward to reading your journal going forward.


              • #8
                Thanks ssn679doc! I will be 'away' from the forums for a while - its year end and with report cards and the rest time is very limited - I'll try to check in and document how things are going when I can but it might be a little scattered for the next few weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for good weather tomorrow so we can climb Prairie Mountain - I'll drop by tomorrow night if I am able and relate the hike.
                “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

                "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


                • #9
                  Good luck, I love the quotes. I've heard so many of them myself. Hiking has been the best thing for me to keep on track. I hate running but i seem to be able to hike for hours without issue.
                  SW: 325lbs
                  Paleo start: 2/6/2013 @303lbs

                  Created by - Free Weight Loss Tools


                  • #10
                    Thanks for the well wishes Harpua!
                    “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

                    "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


                    • #11
                      “It’s always further than it looks. It’s always taller than it looks. And it’s always harder than it looks.” - The 3 rules of mountaineering

                      Prairie Mountain was the perfect way to begin the weekend! This was my second ascent of the mountain and my fiancee's first (and she says last - something about crazy people wanting to go straight up for 4km). I always marvel at how a good hard long walk up a mountain puts everything in perspective and allows your mind to take care of the small worries of life without you even knowing its happening. When I say small worries I mean those things we get so caught up in in our modern hectic lives that they overtake all else and seem to be larger than they really are. Those "first world problems" that seem so important until you step away from your overstimulated consumer based life for a second and then realize that 99% of the world would be happy just to have your problem to worry about but they are too busy worrying about more important things like surviving another day.

                      I love when I have a good 3 or 4 hours to put my modern life aside and just go up the hill. Legs and lungs burning, sweat dripping and mother nature all around - this I think is the secret to a long and happy life, not my iPhone, or my car or the latest and greatest this, that or the other - I really don't need that shit when it comes right down to it. Sure it all makes life easier but maybe easier isn't what life should be - maybe easier is why our bodies are breaking down and we are now living shorter lives than our parents and past generations. Maybe easier is what leads directly and indirectly to Cancer, Hypertension, Heart Disease, and a host of other complications and conditions that seem to be running rampant in our society these days. Maybe a little hard work isn't so bad for us now and then. I don't know - I'm not a doctor but I do know this - I never feel more alive or more in touch with myself - my mind, body and soul than when I'm working for what I want - be it the summit of a mountain, a deer in hunting season or just working in the yard. I'd rather do it myself then have someone or a machine do it for me. Does that mean I'm going off the grid and renouncing all my modern gadgets - of course not - I like them but I might not use them ALL the time - perhaps sometimes the old way is better - and that's not just nostalgia talking!

                      Lately I have been reading about the idea that cacomorphobia (fear, hatred or disgust of fat people) may be more prevalent in society than we like to admit and that it might actually be one of the few socially acceptable discriminations out there. I didn't set out to read about this topic it just sort of floated across cyberspace and onto my screen while surfing the net one day. Oddly enough I was looking for a good Zombie Apocalypse book to read at the time. At first I didn't put too much stock in this idea but lately I have been noticing in my daily life that many people on some level show disgust for overweight people. I was reminded of this on the mountain this weekend. Now I admit at 300lbs I'm a big guy and yes I will be the first to admit I'm fat - in fact I am probably harder on my self-image than any skinny person will ever be but I have accepted that and I am digressing - back to my story...

                      On the mountain this weekend I agreed to go at the pace my better half set - I wanted her to enjoy the hike and I have a tendency to move much faster on a hike than she does even though I am much larger than her. I'm used to walking long distances on uneven terrain she is not. So on several sections of the trail I would be standing next to her - her huffing and puffing me not so much when a much more fit hiker would come by and offer their support. "Keep going it's worth it." "You can't quit now you are almost to the top." "Almost there - the view is amazing." At first I thought nothing of it but soon it dawned on me every hiker passing was offering these words of wisdom and support not to my fiancee but to me! I wasn't even puffing just waiting calmly for her! My next thought was that maybe I was reading into it until one hiker stopped to talk and proceeded to tell me how it was so great to see a big guy like me out getting healthy and how his son is just like me (I assume he meant heavy) and refuses to do anything about it because its just too hard to lose the weight. He proceeded to tell me to keep on going because even though it was hard to go up it was harder to stay heavy. WTF?!? I wasn't the one finding the trail hard!!! I was shocked speechless and when my brain skipped back into action the thoughts in my head were not ones I would have voiced. The nerve of some people!!! It would seem even well meaning people on some level have a bias belief about fat people. At least some of these people (maybe all maybe not but at least SOME) looked at the two people standing beside the trail and automatically assumed we must be stopped to give me (the fat one) a break. I have to admit I look forward to the day when that stigma is no longer part of the weight I carry...

                      Once at the top of the mountain we enjoyed the amazing vista - we could even see Calgary 50 plus kilometers away. We enjoyed a nice lunch and and then proceeded to look for a nice sized rock to take back with us for use in our wedding ceremony. We could not settle on just one and the end result was me carrying 5 large stones (approx. 50 lbs) of extra weight back down off the mountain. That is one good way to get a workout in - 50 extra pounds over 4km of descent at varying grades of steepness - my legs were spent when we got back to the truck! It was all great fun though and I was full of energy despite the added workout.

                      We ended up going back out to the mountains the next day for a small stroll to work the sore and tired legs out and since my legs have felt great - next mountain Ha Ling Peak! Bring it and the skinny buggers with their comments too!

                      I awoke this morning feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof full of P&V to start the 3am. I love the feeling of energy in the morning!
                      B - 1 handful raw spinach, 2 piece of bacon, 3 eggs scrambled with chopped mushrooms and a light grading of cheese on top. Water to drink.
                      L - Moose steak, 5 cups of mixed greens with balsamic vinegar and olive oil for dressing. Water to drink.
                      S - Grilled Basa fish with mango chutney and a side salad of mixed greens. Water to drink.
                      D - perhaps some dark chocolate with cranberries. (if I am in the mood)

                      Grok on!
                      “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

                      "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


                      • #12
                        Sounds like you are doing great! Yes there does seem to be a bias, it's a shame. Of course it seems to me that in anything in life there are preconceived notions that seems to get set by a few people. We all know heavy people who do nothing but sit around, but that doesn't mean all heavy people sit around. I know some naturally thin people who appear "lazy" as well, but for some reason, that label doesn't stick to them. The few can give a bad name to the many. I say ignore the naysayers and keep on keepin' on.

                        Your food sounds delish too.



                        • #13
                          Confessions of a food junkie...

                          I have not been online much as life has been far too hectic to sit down and write. Living in Calgary, the last few weeks have been horrifying and amazing at the same time - horrifying because of the sheer destruction mother nature dished out in the space of a couple days but amazing because of the spirit of the people here and how we have rebounded from the flooding.

                          Lucky for me my house is well away from the rivers and thus the flood zones but 100 000 other people in town can't say the same thing. The order of the day for the last week has been do what you can to help. I wish I could say I've been primal the whole time I have been away from the forums but that would be a lie. I'd say I have been primal for about 60/40 which is a far cry from 80/20 but not so bad as to be 0/100.

                          So with life returning to normal I had turned my sights to getting my eating back on track. I have had several reasons to want to return to paleo/primal living - the main one being that the last time I went hardcore on Primal I lost 40 pounds without really trying. Then came Christmas and I have been yo-yoing ever since - finding it much harder to be disciplined then before Christmas and I have no real clue why. As it is now summer and I am much more active and have the summer off (a perk of being a teacher) I am hopeful that I can get back on track and firmly create the habits I need to be successful. I'm sick of being the stereotypic fat guy who sweats a lot and is generally very uncomfortable in hot weather.

                          Step one - Come up with some challenging but doable goals. I think the goals are the most important part of this as they give me direction and the rubric by which to measure my success. So with that in mind I sat down and started to make my goals - what I discovered was there if way too many things I want to accomplish all at once and that may be part of my downfall - I not only want to lose the 40 pounds I gained back but also want to lose more as quickly as possible, I want to look good in a bathing suit, I want to be healthy and off the blood pressure meds, I want, I want, I want... So I took a step back and reminded myself this isn't an overnight fix - it took 34 years to get here and as much as I hate it this is going to take more than a week, month or even year to undo - in fact to be perfectly honest it's doing to take the rest of my life. I am a food junkie - this is my drug and like any junkie I'm going to be battling this addiction the rest of my life. I firmly believe there will never be a time when I walk past a box of donuts on the staff room table and won't want one, but the trick is to not have one because for me more often than not one leads to two and two to three and the next thing I know its a month later, 10 pounds heavier and nothing to show for it.

                          I know there will be relapses hence the 80/20 rule but as Dean Dwyer wrote in his book Make Shi(f)t Happen I need a plan for when those relapses happen and I need to make sure I have the healthy snacks for those times when I do happen to need something rather than grab the donut. My biggest triggers are not food but rather pop - Dr. Pepper to be specific. I love that crap! My solution - two fold. 1. Coffee (black) for the caffeine, I can only stomach a cup or two of the stuff black so I am naturally limiting the caffeine intake and 2. for the fizzy goodness - S.Pellegrino Carbonated mineral water - 0 calories and more important 0 sugars. It seems to be doing the trick as I am 3 days without the Pepper and the cravings are getting less and less.

                          I've also taken the term "don't drink your calories" as a sort of mantra - I know most of us don't count calories and I have never been big on that but it is more a reminder to drink water whenever possible and enjoy coffee and tea once in a while but stay away from the sugar laden fruit juices and sodas. It seems for me when I drink right I also eat right, when I enjoy a soda I tend to want the salty processed crap that goes with it. I have learned convenience stores are not my friend and to avoid them like the plague, grocery stores or better yet the farmer's market are where it is at. This doesn't mean I won't slip up from time to time (When it is plus 30 and someone hands me a cold beer I intend to enjoy it) but what I hope is when I do slip up it will be with higher end foods and not chips, candy bars and donuts, it will be calculated and with intent and I will already have my plan in place to recover from it rather than let it take me down to the valley of the SAD again.

                          So what are my goals?

                          Long term goals remain the same - create and maintain a healthy body, get off the blood pressure medication, raise my self esteem and lose at least 100 pounds (I'd love to drop 130 lbs.)

                          Short term: over the next seven days: 100% primal day in day out, maintain this journal - at least every other day, tweak my workout routine and have it in place for next week. I am also looking for ways to de-stress that don't involve drinking or eating my way to a happy place but this goal is very fluid at the moment and may be more of a long term thing.

                          long term forecast (14 days): In addition to the 7 day goals - have my fitness routine in place and a regular part of my routine, start running.

                          Step 2: Carrying the goals out and meeting with success. I plan to sign up for fitness pal, seems some people on here are using it and it has helped keep them motivated. I have created a food plan for the week complete with snacks and three squares a day - I have stocked the fridge for these meals and only these meals. With increased journaling I plan to have a level of commitment to the community and hopefully that accountability will help keep me on track - so please call me on my crap if I am not posting or if I am coming up with excuses for not working out or eating wrong. I won't hold it against you.

                          With that in mind here is the meal plan for today:
                          B: Bacon, Chive and Sun-dried Tomato Primal/biscuits (made fresh this morning) with unsalted butter, 1 cup black coffee
                          L: Yellowfin tuna (canned) with garden fresh raw tomato and cheese, Water to drink.
                          S: Grilled Basa fish with mango chutney and a side salad of mixed greens. Water to drink.
                          Snacks on hand (if needed): Fresh cherries, almonds & Grizzly Cheese - This is a local made cheese that is made from Holstein cows' milk, which is "thermalized," a process that heats the milk to a temperature lower than the one used for pasteurization. It is lactose-free, as the culture used to make the cheese eats up the lactose. Very tasty and better than any other cheese I have come across around here.

                          Thanks for stopping by the cave - I'll keep the lights burning and the kettle on for next time!
                          Last edited by Primal Primate; 07-03-2013, 08:29 AM.
                          “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

                          "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


                          • #14
                            Thanks for the support narrowminded. I wish you well on your journey as well!
                            “There are only two options regarding commitment, You’re either in or your out. There’s no such thing as life in between.” – Anonymous

                            "Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler


                            • #15
                              Looks like you have some awesome goals in mind. I like how you broke it down to very long term or ultimate, short term - just 7 days and long term as in 2 weeks. That to me sounds like a perfect game plan. Always remember we can do anything for 15 min, so it you get stuck wanting something, tell yourself if you want it in 15 min from now you can have a small amount. My bet is, you'll get busy and completely forget about it. Keep posting, I want to hear how you are doing.

                              As for me - I'm currently in the midst of a whole 30 month. Going well and I can feel some changes. Thanks.