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  • #61
    Originally posted by Zanna View Post
    Thanks, Derp. Sorry - you ask a simple question and I vomit up a novel lol. They aren't his kids but we've been together for 6 years and they love him. That definitely makes it harder, but when they are out of the house eventually, I'll be left with him and ugh. That sounds miserable. I wonder why I tried so hard to make this work, when there were red flags all along. Ha, red flags - more like giant banners waving in my face while I screw my eyes shut and keep at it. It's wasting his time too, for me to drag it out.

    In non-relationship updates, I blew off my weights workout today and am kinda disappointed in myself. Not disappointed enough to get off the couch, but still. Staying up late with the red wine is just not something I can do and then leap out of bed the next day. Might go for a walk with my sister later but I can make up for it by doing extra stuff tomorrow if the couch continues to sing its siren song. And there is another weight class on Monday too. At least I got in some good racquetball last night, killed my partner again. Makes me happy.
    Hey, no worries, I'm sorry you're in this state. Could you still have him in your life, not together, for the kids to see every so often? Not living with him, just visiting, even if he isn't the father.

    I just think for your sake, at least a break is in order, before you go crazy.
    Make America Great Again

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    • #62
      I could probably have him do that, but I think it would be really hard on him emotionally. That's the adult thing to do though, when kids are involved. I've had to bite my tongue and take the high road for years with my ex so the kids don't get stuck carrying our emotional baggage. And you're totally right, this is making me crazy. I think in a year's time, I'll be happier and wondering why I just floated along for so long.

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      • #63
        So the laziness of Saturday didn't last the whole day. I managed to get my butt off the couch and walked a couple miles to co-op to buy 2 bags of different dates and a bunch of Theo chocolate bars that were 50% off. Clearly have been spending too much time in the candy threads, lol. Dates taste like candy!

        Went for a hike with the hubby on Sunday AM - he actually asked to do something physical with me so can't turn that down. It would be better if I wanted to hang out with him. But, the hike was good and is keeping with my goal of getting a bunch of exercise while the kids are at their dad's. also got in an hour of racquetball drills and then hung out at the pool for an hour and a half. Glory be, it's not fucking raining here for once! It poured later but getting some sun on my body was nice. Went out to dinner for Mexican food - they put way too much cheese on mine. Margaritas help to cut through that.

        I feel like absolute crap today. Got hit with the period cramps today, hard. They've been almost non-existent since I started eating cleaner - maybe I'm paying for whatever oils were used in that Mexican food? Ugh. I took some Aleve but its doing nothing. I want to go back and curl up in bed for the day, but I'm already taking Wednesday (my birthday!) and Friday off and have too much work to get done. Work that I should be doing now instead of hanging out in here lol.

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        • #64
          It's only been a week but feels like forever. Had several days off from work - man, was it a hit or miss kind of vacation. I tried and mostly succeeded at keeping up the workouts, only missed a couple of days. Food choices weren't that great - had a bunch of days eating BBQ food and feeling like crap. Not wanting to eat more, I reach for the next best thing - drink more! I basically gave myself the entire week off to do whatever. It's going to take another week for my body to iron its self back out.

          I am starting to hate therapy. I get this awful, panicky feeling every time we go in and then we just rip each other's hearts out for an hour and try to carry on for another week. This will sound silly to some people but I love to see psychics. You can tell the ones that are bullshit, but I totally believe there are people for whom the curtain between planes is much thinner. I had one lady tat I just loved but fell out of touch when I got married and fell into a giant rabbit hole. My friend recommended this other lady, who I went to see the day before going to Florida.

          So, I've spent the last several months shelling out money for individual therapy for both of us, couples therapy, couples sex therapy (um, you suck in bed, don't make any effort, have no touch and make me feel like a creeper for wanting it - there, are we done?) etc. I don't know if there are other types of therapy, but I'm sure it will be recommended if there cause none of this shit is working. So, leave it to the psychic lady to just cut through the bullshit. I sit down, not 6 hours after a grueling sex therapy appointment. It's my 1st time seeing her. She stares at me for a few minutes - I try to just sit there, all stony-faced to see if she's going to try and make me tell her what I need to hear. She just tells me the sadness is overwhelming and we spend an hour with her making me feel better about being so desperately fucking unhappy. Key points?

          "They were broken when you got them, it's not your job to fix them and if it was, you'd fail." In reference to both husbands . . .

          "You might be ok with a sexless, lifeless relationship when you're in your 70's but are way too young to settle. It's ok to want passion. Blocking yourself off from it is going to lead to poor decisions." Jeebus, yes. The things I think about doing, lol.

          "In a year, you'll look back at this time and wonder why you waited so long to let yourself be happy." This one sticks with me - why am I wasting so much time working on things with someone I don't want to be with? Well, I did marry him so am making myself go through all of the 'right' steps. Fuck, the end result is going to be the same - maybe I like tormenting myself? I've been doing what the sex therapist said and making myself spend time doing things with the hubby - hiking, dinner etc. hubby has been happy, thinking that we are bridging the gap. I feel like a panicky mess and wanting to run, run, run. The amount of control it takes to just spend time with him without giving into despair apparently reads as 'bridging that romantic gap'. Fuck me, how can he know me so little after all of the years? It's not like I pull my punches. In fact, I have been getting downright mean to him and he keeps clinging on.

          Anyway, the psychic nails in one hour for considerably less cost than what the therapists have been slogging at for months, "you're incredibly unhappy and it's not likely to change. Start being nicer to yourself and stop giving a shit about what other people think." I don't care what plane she's on or whether she has any actual psychic ability at all. I'm done, done, done. Just have to work out the details - we rented a vacation house with friends for the 3rd week if August and I actually stopped the plan to have him move out in June because my friend gave me a guilt-trip over the vacation dynamic. *smacks self upside*

          It's funny - before I met hubby, I went to my favorite psychic with a girlfriend. I was post-divorce and gleefully single. She was married to her 2nd husband and miserable. The psychic honed in on what I thought was her, talking about how she would be ending her marriage and how much happier she'd be. Talked about how he was a child, the sex was non-existent, she had to do all of the work and pay all of the bills, while he just lazed around and spent her $$ indiscriminately. My friend was totally gobsmacked - they had issues, but not those issues. Ha, maybe she was zoning in on me.

          Since making my final decision, I've had this little voice in my head, singing 'free, free, free'. It's not going to be easy and I will lose a lot of friends who think he is such a good guy, but anyone who drops me was never a friend to begin with.
          Last edited by Zanna; 07-08-2013, 07:15 AM.

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          • #65
            [[hugs]] Best of luck, Z, I hope things go as smoothly as they can.
            Depression Lies

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            • #66
              Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
              [[hugs]] Best of luck, Z, I hope things go as smoothly as they can.
              Thank you! I'm gearing up for ugly - I'd rather be prepared for the worst, but I'm hoping it goes smooth-ish.

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              • #67
                So, a post without relationship issues. Today was good! Started off with a delightful early am dream where I win a lottery. Not a huge amount, but enough where I was thinking in my dream that I could sock it away and pay for the kids' college, pay any outstanding bills and have a couple thousand left to hang out while I built up reserves. There was a tense moment where my check was less than I thought, but it shifted to getting about 18 grand in cash, with the understanding g that I would continue to get monthly payments of the same amount for a good while. Pretty awesome dream.

                Went back to work today and had a hard time focusing, but my boss called in sick which takes off pressure. Meetings got cancelled left and right, including the 4-5 pm meeting the lovely folks in AZ are always scheduling. I hate that because I always to to figure out how to get the kids to baseball etc and still make it to my workout in 30 minutes. Didn't have to deal with that today as baseball was canceled too, due to yet another bout of rain.

                Went to my weight lifting class and had a great day. It's weird - I always sweat more when I don't drink at all, but I'm still getting out all of the post birthday traces. I kinda track how my alcohol intake is by the amount I sweat in my workouts. It's been two days without so I was expecting some sweat but wow. It's running down my arms and legs in rivulets and my hair was soaked 15 minutes in. I have pretty long hair and it was soaked to the ends of my ponytail. I don't mind, sweating that much feels good but I was wondering why it was so much lately. My theory is that the dry brushing I've been doing lately has cleared off any dead skin so nothing is blocking the release of sweat. And my skin is like silk - should have done the dry brushing all along.

                Food was back to normal - eggs and bone broth gelatin for breakfast, followed by a bunch of cherries. Sardines and a grapefruit for lunch, with some dried dates and apricots. Then I did my workout, which involves a pre and post drink using the Vega powdered supplements. I love those. Dinner was an oxtail stew I made, despite the heat, with some mashed potatoes. I eat those on lifting days if I can. Just finished a hot chocolate with gelatin and am now hanging out on the porch, which is so nice after it rains. I'll get an early bedtime but am feeling awake so may spend time daydreaming before sleep comes.

                Well ok, a little bit of relationship stuff. We have our weekly sex therapy appointment tomorrow and it will be a doozy. I've been so honest about not being attracted to him and not enjoying spending time with him but he keeps hanging on. If someone I loved told me the things I've told him, I'd have been out of there a long time ago. That feeling of not being wanted would override any desire to stay. He's been really helpful with house stuff the last couple of months, knowing how pissed I was at doing all of the work, so he's trying to make himself needed. Honestly, the help has been really nice, but how do you get past feeling a sense of dread when you know you have to spend time together? The attraction isn't coming back and I've decided it's not worth staying to have such a numb existence. I feel so much lighter since coming to this and I think he is again misinterpreting the lightness as progress. It is progress for me, but not the way he wants. Well see how it goes tomorrow - he needs to start figuring out where he's going to live and how he's going to pay for it.

                I will be playing racquetball tomorrow night to beat away any residual anxiety. Thank god for racquetball.

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                • #68
                  So we had our sex therapy session today. Hubby went down to our friend's house to pick up something and came back 10 minutes before we needed to leave. He said that he had a chance to talk with our friend and that he had a lot to say. I was nervous, because we were just down at his friend's house on my birthday. I have a helplessly strong attraction to friend's brother, an attraction that serves to remind me that such attractions do in fact exist, and I could enjoy that type of attraction guilt-free if I were free, but hubby has never even noticed the attraction.

                  We get to the session and hubby proceeds to hold forth with his narrative of our relationship. He asked that we hold our questions til the end (seriously, he said this) and talked for a half hour straight, retreading stuff we have both said numerous times. It was important to him that he say it all at once, so I listened. Parts were flat out wrong, but its his narrative so I stayed quiet. I love the therapist - he actually doesn't brook much bullshit but he is so kind about calling you out that you keep talking. He called hubby out on the retreading and then laser-focused on me. I was honest and said that he had acted like such a child that rekindling a sexual relationship seemed impossible. Hubby said "well then, I feel like 95% of our relationship is on track and its just this 5% that is off."

                  5%??? It's way more than 5%. To me, anyway. I asked him once what he liked about me - yeah, I was fishing for physical/sexual compliments. There's no shame in that - relationships should include lust. I've never known what he's drawn to because he flinches anytime I try to build something sexual. He says "I love your brain. It's what I've always loved." That's nice to hear, but I said plenty of people like my brain and I call those people friends, not lovers. It would be so much easier if things were open and I could just get my sexual needs met elsewhere. I suggested that and he refused. That would have just been a stop-gap anyway - I'd end up falling for someone else and would still need to end the relationship.

                  So, food stuff. Same as yesterday, basically. Continued with the ashwagandha and basil oil today, in addition to the valerian and gelatin. No noticeable difference in getting to bed easier. My mind just will not shut up. I have moments where I know I was sleeping, but only because there are dreams involved. I basically feel like I am awake the entire time I'm in bed. My consciousness is mighty, lol.

                  Played racquetball tonight - won two out of three. My form got sloppy in the last game, which means I need to better research how to keep my energy going during tournaments if I want to win. I would often flag in energy when I played tournaments before, because I cared more about being thin than fit. Tournaments can go for long stretches, where I play 4-6 hours of racquetball at high intensity per day, so I have to figure this out. He shouldn't have won that last game. Maybe make sure I have bananas and oranges to snack on? I don't know - I was just happy being skinny before so I didn't pay enough attention on how to feed my body to stay strong through several hours of playing. Might have to post a thread asking for help on that.
                  Last edited by Zanna; 07-09-2013, 08:44 PM.

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                  • #69
                    Sadly, a person who thinks sex is 5% of a relationship may just not be compatible with someone who thinks sex holds a much more important place.

                    The bananas and oranges sound good. Frozen berries in a small cooler. Off the court, I guess you know, but high nutrition foods like grass fed beef and wild salmon. If you have a source for decently raised pigs, pork loin is one of the best sources of protein per calorie and ounce. Cooked collards or spinach. I like collards cooked in bacon fat, but coconut oil, s&p, with a spritz of lemon is good. For spinach, I like to wilt it in olive oil (covered pan), then add garlic and tomatoes at the end. So simple, so yummy.

                    When does the tournament start?
                    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                    B*tch-lite

                    Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

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                    • #70
                      Originally posted by JoanieL View Post
                      Sadly, a person who thinks sex is 5% of a relationship may just not be compatible with someone who thinks sex holds a much more important place.

                      The bananas and oranges sound good. Frozen berries in a small cooler. Off the court, I guess you know, but high nutrition foods like grass fed beef and wild salmon. If you have a source for decently raised pigs, pork loin is one of the best sources of protein per calorie and ounce. Cooked collards or spinach. I like collards cooked in bacon fat, but coconut oil, s&p, with a spritz of lemon is good. For spinach, I like to wilt it in olive oil (covered pan), then add garlic and tomatoes at the end. So simple, so yummy.

                      When does the tournament start?
                      I think you're right re: the 5%. It looks like there has always been that divide in how we approach sex. It's tied together with all sorts of intimacies in a relationship for me and is usually the last thing to go, lol. I'm a very physical, affectionate person and if the sex is shut down that leaves me feeling lonely and with no outlet. That's a dangerous thing for me to feel, especially when he seems so blind to it. Well, we have another session today and I think this one is going to start breaking down the breaking up.

                      Re: food for tournaments - I know I can do the oranges and bananas but protein sources are more difficult. Eating solid food when I'm playing that hard makes me kinda nauseous. Bananas are about as solid as I can go. I did find this Vega protein powder and I think I can use that.

                      Tournaments don't start until end of August/beginning of September. I'll probably be playing in one every other weekend, if possible, until the spring. They used to be all-weekend affairs, but a drop in participation has turned them into Saturday only events most of the time, which would work fine for me. I got too deep into it before and didn't leave enough room for other things.

                      I think I am finally back on track with food and sleep. I had a lot of late nights in the last couple of weeks and stopped the crazy train on Saturday. Stayed up pretty late Friday, which was fun, but it was hard to motivate on Saturday. Hubby wanted to do things together but I really needed some solitude, so he went to friends' houses and I went to the gym and then hung around the pool on Saturday and Sunday. Went to bed at 9-10 the last 3 nights, even when the kids weren't home on Sat and Sun. That's usually when the wheels fall off, lol. Going to try and keep this up until the vacation we have planned for the 3rd week of August. That's going to be strange - I'm pretty sure hubby and I will be officially broken up by then but we planned this with friends who want both of us to be there. It shouldn't be a big deal - it's not like we've been 'couple-ish' for the last couple of years, but I think the finality of it will be hard for him to deal with. Just need to make it through that and then I think that's the last of our planned obligations together.

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                      • #71
                        You sound calm and directed. I hope all goes well for you. I'm cheering for you!
                        "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                        B*tch-lite

                        Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Took a break from posting at all to try and really focus on things. Tried to be good to myself with eating right, working out the way I need to and getting plenty of sleep. It's been good - I've slimmed down some more - don't know if there has been weight loss but I'm not caring as much about numbers on the scale. I've been building muscle and feeling fitter, making sure I eat enough to feed the body recomposition goals I have. And this is surprising but the ashwaghanda and holy basil leaf drops I've been taking make a difference I feel. It's like everything is in balance. I love feeling dialed into things, like I've finally figured out how eat to make myself and my body happy - yay me!

                          And I also finally bit the bullet and ended things with my husband. Clearly communicated it so there is no misinterpretation. He still is trying to find a way but we talked about what things are his, what he'll be bringing with him. I've let go of being worried that he won't be able to take care of himself - he is 37 and its not my job to do it. I had been holding out because of that vacation the 3rd week of August that we committed to doing with another couple. The wife is one of my best friends and I had an honest conversation with her, that I was hanging to the marriage because she made me feel so guilty about the vacation. She apologized and I decided to give my husband some credit and just told him I was done. And that we have been living together but separately for a couple years now and we can certainly pull it together for one week with friends we love.

                          It's such a relief to just have it out and done. I was so worried that we'd go on the vacation, where I'd just be trying to keep up appearances. He'd get hopeful that we were reconciling and then after the vacation was done, would be shocked that I wanted to end it. Much better this way. At this point, I think he'll be moving out in September. I'm excited to start enjoying my life on my terms and not feeling so trapped.

                          Coming up this week - yoga tonight and a long walk, weights Monday and Wednesday, and 3 nights of racquetball! I get to eat a ton this week.

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                          • #73
                            Dragging my journal out of the archives for an update. Already posted most of this in JoanieL's journal so I'm going to be lazy and post it again with no editing!

                            This is just an explanation on how things actually and finally ended. The ex was walking on eggshells around me, trying to be as small and quiet as possible - he was hoping that if he just existed in the house without causing problems that I wouldn't have the heart to ask him to leave. And he was mostly right, but it was so annoying living with someone who tries to slide through your life without really being there just to stay. Then, two things happened:

                            He did something really petty on a night where I had feasted on red wine and girl talk, i.e. I'm in a hell of a mood. He has tons of friends all 100% in his corner - friends he would selectively feed info to about our relationship to make himself look like a sad, good guy just trying to hang on. But he never used them for actual support. I had one female friend that I could talk to ... So who does he decide to make his emotional tampon, instead of all of his friends? Right, my one GF. I dealt with that because they are friends to and I'm not about making someone pick sides. But on that fateful night (hee), he texted her about 20 times while she and I were out on a girls night. She showed it to me "I know my wife is right there so don't show her this but *starts stirring drama-pot*"

                            It made her mad that he would do that when he knew we were out together, which made me mad. I don't get mad for myself much, but it upset her cause she's trying to hang out with me and he just won't stop. So I unleashed on him when I got home and he lied and said he didn't think we were out together. So much of a pussy he can't even own up to being douchey.

                            The 2nd thing he did, might have been worse than the first? He grew a beard. Don't get me wrong - I looooove men with beards, if you can actually grow a full one. He can't. It comes in all patchy with holes, like even his facial hair knows he's just a man-child. I looked at him and thought "clearly, I can never have sex with this person ever, ever again." So I ended it that night. We had some financial issues before he could actually leave cause I supported him throughout the relationship but he finally left 6 weeks ago. I don't know why I waited so long - it's like coming out of a tunnel.

                            I've been so much calmer and happier since he left. It's amazing how much stress you carry around with miserable relationships - didn't even realize the weight so heavy until he had gone. I'm sleeping better, eating better and feel like myself for the 1st time in years. Will do a separate post on post-breakup activities, this one has gotten too long.

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                            • #74
                              So the most amazing thing I've found in the last few months? Adaptogens! I can't remember if it was Zach or Derp who suggested them - maybe Zach, I think Derp thought they were kinda BS. They are totally not BS I found a chiropractor who is very educated in these herbs, plus there is a good resource at my local natural food store. I didn't really take it seriously until after getting back from vacation in August. That was my last hurrah with drinking and going off reservation - I realized that all of my problems with relationships and other things are self-driven choices I've been making using drinking as a way to bury my head in the sand. I had already cut down to a few times a month, but cut it out altogether since the ex moved out. I was doing all of these good things for myself with food, exercise etc but sabotaging my efforts by going out too much and staying up too late. It would take me a few days to feel right again and then when I got back to feeling awesome, I'd end up going out and starting the recovery all over.

                              Since he left, I've been disciplined about going to bed early, which is way more awesome now that I have the bed to myself. getting up early has been easy and I've been super productive. I think without making my body go through that cycle, I feel the impacts of the adaptogens much more cleanly. I wonder if this is how normal people feel lol. My brain is focused and calm, I have steady energy but still sleep well at night. It's like they are filling in the gaps for me.

                              It's made a big difference in my tournament play too! I played my first racquetball tournament in 8 years 2weeks ago and won my singles division handily. The competition wasn't as intense as I remembered from before, but I was the QUEEN of stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. You have to finish out matches on your serve - you don't win points on your opponent's serve, you can only get your serve back winning defensive rallies. Always always always, I would be up 5-10 points and would flake at the finish line. It was so dispiriting, letting people back into games and matches until I felt I just couldn't win a match. It was totally mental.

                              None of that was in play last weekend! I was so psyched - won my 1st match 15-2, 15-4 and my second match 15-1, 15-14. Got injured in the 2nd game of the last match but still gutted it out when I could barely move. It's so nice to feel like everything is dialed in.

                              Next up . . . So, apparently men court you via text message these days. I don't think I'm doing it right lol. I'm incapable of talking in text shorthand aside from the occasional lol. Lol. I need advice. Or maybe I need to stop getting all crushed out on men that much younger than me.

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                              • #75
                                What adaptogens are you using? I've had some nice energy boosts from Eleuthero root.

                                Texting & chatting online is a nice way (IMO) to have brief conversations or conversations throughout the day. It's flirty, I guess. I didn't text much until Hulky and I started dating and it was a nice way to keep in touch while we were unable to hold an actual call or see each other.
                                Depression Lies

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