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Random Thoughts (Confessions of an Obsessed Mind or My PB Journal)

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  • Random Thoughts (Confessions of an Obsessed Mind or My PB Journal)

    So I've decided to start my very own PB journal so I can waste even more time on this forum.

    A bit of background is in order. I warn you--this is going to be TMI.

    I was fat as a kid--not obese, just slightly overweight, chubby. Kids at school made fun of me because kids are mean like that. I developed an eating disorder (bulimia) at age 11, shortly after I started my period. This was the end of 5th grade. I know that by the time I started 6th grade I had lost a ton of weight (puking up everything you eat will do that) and could no longer be considered chubby. However, kids at school continued to make fun of me because, you know, I had been the "fat girl" for so long. Old habits die hard, I guess.

    In the meantime, aside from being bulimic most of the time, I also tried every fad diet out there. Juice fasts, the master cleanse, days where I would eat nothing but apples. I was obsessed with food, obsessed with my weight. And I had serious anger issues, which could only be controlled by cutting myself. So, yeah, your typical normal teenager here.

    Edit: I just deleted some stuff. Forgot that these forums show up on Google searches. Not sure I'm ready to overshare with the entire Interwebs. So now the story isn't going to make much sense... Anyway, some stuff happened, and I lost weight. Then I gained weight again. Not a horrible amount. I did not become overweight or anything. I did not really care that much about it. Strangely enough, my obsession with my weight did not come back right away. (The degree of obsession I experienced in my ED days has never come back. Thank god for small favors, right?) At my heaviest, I was about 142 lbs at 5'4".

    Then I moved across the country, quick smoking, and started working out. I lost 17 pounds without ever dieting. That put me at 125 lbs. I was happy at 125.

    Then I started law school (third biggest mistake in my life) and gained a few pounds. I was stable maybe around 130. Over three years, my weight fluctuated between 125 and 135 but was mostly stable around 130. At one point, in the early summer of 2010, I experimented with primal for the first time. Lasted maybe two months. Didn't really lose any weight or notice any changes. Went back to conventional eating. Then, last April (2012), I went primal again. Stuck with it that time. Been pretty much primal ever since (not perfect though, obviously).

    I had the Paragard (copper IUD) inserted at the end of August last year, and I think that's what's caused me to gain about 6 pounds. Now I'm between 137 and 139. Yikes! It's the heaviest I've been in years. I tried doing VLC and restricting calories (1200-1500 calories, 1400 most days, less than 30 g net carbs) but just could not lose the weight. Finally, I got sick of restricting and counting so I stopped doing that in mid-February. When I stopped restricting I was around 137. Now I'm 139. This can't go on, and I'm sorry that the end of this thread has all been about my weight. This is really lame, I know.

    I have an appointment to have the IUD removed this Friday. We'll see what happens.

    To be continued . . .
    Last edited by diene; 04-30-2013, 08:33 PM.

    My journal

  • #2
    So, got the IUD removed today. Yay! I didn't even bother telling the nurse that the reason I wanted it removed is because I thought it was making me gain weight because I knew that she'd just start arguing with me. So I told her that it's because the IUD was giving me lower back pain (which is true--it's just not the reason why I wanted it out). Well, guess what, she started arguing with me about that too. Told me that my description of the pain made it sound like a skeletal-muscular issue and that it couldn't be caused by the IUD. I told her that I had never suffered from lower back pain prior to having the IUD inserted. She insisted that it had nothing to do with the IUD, and wouldn't it be a shame if she took it out and I still had pain tomorrow. I insisted that I wanted it out. She relented and removed it.

    Now we'll see if I lose any weight. I acknowledge that there's a good chance that I'm wrong about the causation, but there's also a good chance that I'm right. Time will tell. It was all in the spirit of self-experimentation (albeit a very expensive self-experimentation).

    So now my plan is to do nothing different for the next two weeks. This means not restricting or counting anything. Eat fairly strict primal but not a low-carb version. (I eat sweet potatoes, rice, potatoes, and fruit regularly.) Continue working out as normal--that means running and Crossfitting.

    Whether I lose any weight over the next two weeks or not, I'm probably going to try JUDDD in two weeks. The reason I don't want to start JUDDD right now is because I want to see if having the IUD removed is going to have an impact on my weight. Starting JUDDD right now will just confound the results.

    Ten-mile race on Sunday. Don't really feel prepared for it. Have been Crossfitting too much to the detriment of my running. Love Crossfit though. Love it, love it, love it!!! After the race, I won't be training for anything else for a while so I'll be able to crossfit even more, heh.
    Last edited by diene; 05-03-2013, 03:51 PM. Reason: typo

    My journal


    • #3
      Ten-mile race went okay. Better than expected, actually. Finished in 1:27:50--nothing to write home about, but I beat last year's time, which is all I was really trying for anyway.

      I drank too much beer (1 L--went to a German-style beer garden and got one of those liter steins of beer) after the race. Took a nap and woke up with a horrible headache. The headache literally lasted all evening--yuck. I didn't want to take any meds because any meds I could take would either be bad for the liver or bad for the kidneys, which should really be avoided after a race. So, yeah, drinking a liter of beer after a 10-mile race probably wasn't the brightest idea ever.

      I'm thinking about giving up beer altogether and going 100% gluten free. I've already reduced by beer consumption by about 85%. Beer used to be my go-to beverage, and I prefer it to wine and hard liquor. It's not uncommon for me to relax with a beer or two at the end of the day. But I've pretty much stopped drinking beer at home. If I do drink, I either drink red wine or some kind of hard liquor mixed with seltzer water. I only drink beer when out with friends, and even then I'll often opt for wine or vodka/tequila with club soda. But I haven't given up beer completely, and it's the only source of gluten that I consume these days. So, yeah, thinking about giving it up because Kresser said that there's no 80/20 for gluten because apparently the immune reaction to gluten lasts SIX (!) months. And, of course, my hypochondriac mind is convinced that I'm in the early stages of Hashimoto's, which can be caused by gluten consumption (if you're gluten-intolerant, which I may or may not be).

      It would be really sad to have to give up beer completely. I really like beer. There's nothing quite like it, and it can't really be replaced. I mean, if you really like beer, it's not like you can just replace it with wine. But I also really like hawaiian pizza and bread (all kinds of bread) and Goldfish and Cheez-Its, but I've given those up.

      My journal


      • #4
        Did one-legged burpees at CF today. Who the hell invents things like this? It's like, oh, burpees really suck so let's do them on one leg. WTF!!!

        It's been four days since I had my IUD removed. Waist and belly measurements have not changed. Grrrr... But I know I probably need to be more patient. Hah!
        Last edited by diene; 11-26-2014, 12:32 PM.

        My journal


        • #5
          I think I'm going to make an effort to actually log my food intake and workouts because this really isn't much of a primal journal at this point. (It's been more just me going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.)

          So today, food:

          Protein shake (2 scoops Mercola pure power protein, in some amount of goat milk mixed with coconut milk)
          7.5 g BCAAs in coconut oil, unsweetened chocolate, and smidge of maple syrup
          Ground pork with butternut squash
          1 banana
          1 Granny Smith apple
          Shredded chicken with cabbage in a bit of tomato sauce
          1 avocado



          Supplements (morning--before workout):

          2 tablets of Garden of Life Primal Defense probiotics
          1500 mg L-glutamine

          Supplements (evening--as I write this, I haven't taken these yet, but I know what I'm going to take later):

          1 tablet probiotics
          magnesium citrate (eyeball some amount)
          198 mg potassium gluconate
          200 mcg selenium
          10,000 IU D3
          100 mcg K2
          4 mg astaxanthin

          Wow, I take a lot of supplements. Some days, I take even more. Occasionally, I don't take any, but that's usually cuz I either forget or am too drunk to care.

          One thing I've noticed over the past couple days is that taking l-glutamine in the morning before my workouts has made me not crave alcohol in the evening. I don't usually drink on weekdays anymore, but, normally, when I get off work, I'd want a drink or two. But I haven't been wanting to drink these past couple days, and the only thing that's changed is that I've started taking l-glutamine in the mornings.
          Last edited by diene; 05-10-2013, 09:59 AM.

          My journal


          • #6

            I banged up my right knee pretty good doing box jumps at Crossfit this morning. I lost my balance on top of the box and fell forward, over the box. Luckily, I wasn't seriously injured, just a banged up knee that keeps threatening to swell up. I'm icing it right now. It could have been so much worse, and I'm lucky that it wasn't.

            I've started JUDDD/ADF. Today is my first down day. It's hard to do a down day after the kind of heavy lifting we did today at CF, but I had my 150-calorie protein shake this morning and it seems to be holding me over.

            Btw, I PR'ed on my front squat today: 1RM @ 120 lbs. It's amazing how much heavier you can lift with the proper rack and more or less proper form (I'm far from perfect on my squats--issues with hip and ankle mobility and core strength).

            I also deadlifted 3 reps at 125 lbs. I guess that's a PR too although it wasn't a 3 RM or anything. We weren't doing max effort on the deadlifts, and I wasn't super ambitious because we had to do 24 box jumps in between each set.

            Now we'll see how long I can go without eating. I cooked a bowl of shirataki noodles in some chicken broth last night, and that's all I'm going to eat at work today. Then, when I get home, and shortly before bed, I'm going to have three eggs. The eggs should help me sleep. I have trouble falling asleep when I go to bed super hungry. And my cal count should come in at just under 500 calories if I stick to the plan.

            Forgot to add that I also got hit in the face with the ball while doing wall balls today. My right shoulder/neck area is kind of sore from that experience. Guess it wasn't really a good day at CF today.

            It's 4 pm. I already ate the shirataki noodles and am kind of hungry now. I added up the calories of the all food I planned to eat and realized that I still have 70 calories so now I'm about to go get some celery. Yeah, celery--haha!

            I ended up not getting the celery. I had two ounces of tri-tip and two eggs for dinner instead. Not bad for a down day. Came in at just under 500 calories.

            Sleep wasn't great though. Woke up at 12:30 to pee and had trouble falling deeply into sleep for at least half an hour after that. (It was like I fell asleep but not deeply--weird, anyway.) Then woke up again at 4:30 wondering if it was time to get up yet, which is also weird.
            Last edited by diene; 05-16-2013, 08:32 AM. Reason: Edited to correct factual error. Shirataki noodles are not really 0 calories. They're approx 5 cal per serving.

            My journal


            • #7

              Today is an UP day!!! So far, I've had:

              1 Kind bar (210 cal)
              1 banana
              Protein shake in coconut milk (~240 cal)
              BCAAs dissolved in coconut oil, unsweentened chocolate, with maple syrup and a bit of sun butter. It's almost like a peanut butter cup--almost, if you can ignore the BCAA aftertaste.
              A couple of almonds
              Carnitas bowl -- basically pork and cauliflower "rice" (456 cal)

              My up days, according to the JUDDD calculator, are 2463 calories! So that's lots of happy chowing!

              1 Greek yogurt (100 cal--it's fat free, yeah)
              1 sweet potato
              Sirloin with broccoli (460 cal)
              1 orange bell pepper
              1 Granny Smith apple
              More sirloin
              1 tbsp sun butter
              1 tbsp almond butter
              2 ginger chews

              Need to stop eating those nut butters! I'm pretty sure that I went over my calorie target, if that's even possible. But I also out-did myself on my workouts.

              1-hour yoga (not easy)
              3-mile run

              By the time I went to bed, I wasn't super sore, but I was a little bit sore in a lot of places. I really wasn't sure whether I'd manage to get up at 5 AM today to go to Crossfit, but I did!
              Last edited by diene; 05-16-2013, 08:19 AM.

              My journal


              • #8

                Second DD today. Had my 150-cal protein shake after Crossfit. Am already hungry now (9:02 AM). Did not bring shirataki noodles to work so will not be eating anything until I get home tonight. Okay, I can do this! (I used to do 24-hour fasts so I think my body remembers what it's like, but I didn't work out on those fast days. Crossfit makes me hungry.)

                I ended up having some broccoli at 5 pm because I was really hungry and it was getting hard for me to concentrate on work (not that I have great concentration to begin with). The broccoli was part of one of my Custom Fit meals, and I didn't know how many calories it was (didn't bring my pocket scale to work, and the broccoli supposedly had some olive oil on it although I couldn't taste it and some of it was soaked in meat juice). Anyway, I don't think it could possibly be more than 100 calories.

                Because of the uncertainty in the broccoli calories, I opted for an extra low cal dinner. So I had shirataki noodles (so much for not using them as a crutch) and one egg cooked in some chicken broth and seasoned with liquid aminos, lots of sea salt, apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, and paprika. Then I had 3 stalks of celery.

                So total for the day:

                protein shake: 150 cal
                broccoli: 100 cal (?)
                shirataki noodles: ~25 cal
                chicken broth: ~25 cal
                1 egg: ~71 cal
                3 celery stalks: ~18 cal

                Total: ~389 cal

                I was sort of hungry when I went to bed but was tired enough that I fell asleep right away and didn't wake up during the night. (I may have gotten up to pee, but, if so, I was still partly sleep when I did because I can't remember for sure.)

                Workout was crossfit.
                Last edited by diene; 05-16-2013, 08:41 AM.

                My journal


                • #9

                  UP day!!! My upper back is sore from all the pull-ups we did at CF on Tuesday. I could feel how sore it was when I was sleeping last night. And, guess what, I hit a new PR on bench presses today. New 1 RM = 75 lbs. Could not for the life of me move 80 lbs though.


                  1 Kind bar (I know, I know, processed food)
                  2 bananas
                  1 small white peach
                  protein shake (~218 cal)
                  BCAAs mixed with coconut oil, unsweetened chocolate, maple syrup, and a bit of sun butter
                  2 tbsp sun butter (I'm addicted to that stuff--it's really concerning)
                  A couple ounces of leftover tri-tip (not sure how many ounces, didn't weigh)
                  1 ginger chew
                  1/2 sweet potato
                  1 avocado
                  chicken enchiladas (chicken breast plus salsa plus cilantro slaw) (407 cal)
                  frozen yogurt
                  1 pint of Stella
                  1 vodka with seltzer and lime
                  some beef skewers
                  a couple of french fries
                  vodka with water and lemon (not sure how much--it wasn't very strong though)
                  1 ginger chew
                  ~1/4 cup ginger peach sorbet

                  Haha! Look at how much food I ate!

                  Last edited by diene; 05-17-2013, 11:25 AM.

                  My journal


                  • #10

                    1.25-mile warm up
                    2 x 40-sec intervals @ 10 mph
                    4 x 40-sec intervals @ 10.5 mph
                    2 x 40-sec intervals @ 10 mph

                    Nothing so far except hot water with salt, apple cider vinegar, and red pepper flakes (kind of like a broth without the broth part).

                    Today's DD is the easiest one by far. (So much easier than Wednesday!) I've only had two cups of hot water with salt, vinegar, and red pepper flakes and one cup of tea. I had water while working out this morning. Other than that I've consumed nothing. I'm hungry but not that hungry.

                    Now it's time to go home and cook dinner. Having salmon, kale, mushrooms, and konnyaku. Konnyaku is the stuff shirataki noodles are made of; rather, shirataki noodles are konnyaku cut into the shape of noodles. Tonight, I'm konnyaku blocks, cutting them into strips, and stir frying them. Yum! Can't wait.

                    I ended up having 4 ounces of salmon, konnyaku, and some kale. No mushrooms.
                    Last edited by diene; 05-20-2013, 11:29 AM.

                    My journal


                    • #11

                      UD--ate a whole bunch of stuff. Also had a bunch of alcohol. 4 vodka with seltzer water and 2 glasses of red wine. Breakfast was lox omelet with some fried potatoes. Also had two bananas. Dinner was Thai food--panang curry with duck and one cup of jasmine rice. Also had some other stuff here and there.

                      Workout was 1-hour of yoga and 4-mile run. The run was short because my plantar fasciitis flared up again after Friday's sprints. I've been dealing with it for a couple of weeks now, but it got really bad Friday. It hurt with every step of my run on Saturday so only did 4 miles instead of the planned 8 miles.


                      DD - had a couple of stalks of celery in the afternoon. Then had a bit of shirataki noodles cooked in a spicy broth. Then had one preserved duck egg (purchased at Asian grocery store). Then had 4.31 ounces of flounder, pan-fried in a tiny bit of sprayed-on coconut oil (yes, I have a coconut oil spray that's like Pam except made with coconut oil) and a small amount of spinach. I think I stayed under 500 calories but just barely. It's possible that I went over by a little.

                      Workout was 5-mile run.



                      1 Kind bar (190 cal)--I'm going to stop eating these soon, I promise. I just have a couple of these right now, and once I'm done, I won't be buying more.
                      1 banana
                      1 Greek yogurt mixed with BCAAs
                      protein shake (~200 cals)
                      pulled pork with a bit of salsa
                      1.5 sweet rice cakes (this is a dessert I got from Chinatown while I was there for acupuncture--it is really quite a lot, and I feel kinda guilty--and kinda sick--for eating all of that crap)
                      5 (!) chocolate truffles (bad, I know)
                      spaghetti bolognese (with spaghetti squash)
                      cooked squash, a few bites of a burger
                      1 tbsp sun butter

                      Crossfit - we did the prowler today. My left foot slipped, and I went down on one knee. Didn't go down hard or anything. Would have been fine, except that I fell while running a couple of weeks ago and scraped my left knee really badly. Basically scraped off all the skin on an area about the size of a quarter. That only recently healed, well sort of healed. It clearly wasn't completely healed because I managed to rip it open again just by landing on it (well, we were doing the prowler outside on the street so it was gravel). So now I have an open bleeding wound on my left knee again. Yay!

                      Got acupuncture today for plantar fasciitis. He used electrical stimulation on one of the needles, and it felt oddly good. Almost like deep tissue massage on that one spot. Those needles on my heel hurt though. Bottom of the feet is not a happy place for needles. Chinese practitioners will adjust/wiggle the needles every 10 minutes or so to make sure that they're hitting the right spot. You have to "feel it" for it work work. The feeling is either a tingle (like a mild shock) or a twinge. You know it when you feel it. No one has ever had trouble understanding what it means when he asks whether they feel it. But it hurts when the needle's in the bottom of your foot.
                      Last edited by diene; 05-21-2013, 06:53 AM.

                      My journal


                      • #12

                        DD! It's 9:46 am, and I am freaking starving! How hungry I feel really just has to do with my workouts. Sprints and runs don't really make me feel hungry anymore, but weight-lifting always does. Had my 150-cal protein shake after crossfit, but I'm still starving. Oh, this is going to be a long day.

                        Had some hot water with salt, ACV, and red pepper flakes during the day.

                        protein shake (150 cal)
                        1.77 ounces flounder
                        2 eggs + 1 egg white
                        chai tea with 1 packet of stevia

                        Last edited by diene; 05-22-2013, 07:14 AM.

                        My journal


                        • #13

                          Up Day!

                          2 bananas
                          2.5 tbsp sun butter
                          protein shake (~200 cal)
                          small amount (less than 1/2 cup) of coconut milk (SO brand, 45 calories per cup)
                          A lot of (probably 1.5 cups, at least) the BEST raw milk yogurt ever!!!
                          Three fresh strawberries
                          1 rice cake (only ingredients are rice and sea salt)
                          Primmeal (1 banana, couple of frozen strawberries, 1/2 tbsp almond butter mashed together, plus 1 egg, microwaved until it acquired oatmeal-like consistency)
                          1 white chocolate truffle (gasp!--love those things though)
                          A couple of potato chips (yeah, flog me--they're cooked in avocado oil, but the double bonds in the monounsaturated fatty acids probably oxidized at frying temps. What oil is safe for frying, anyway?)
                          Blueberry frittata (612 cal--okay, that's a LOT of calories for a meal)
                          1 Granny Smith apple
                          Sirloin (a little less than 460 calories--it's 460 with the broccoli, but I'm saving the broccoli for tomorrow's DD)
                          1 sweet potato
                          Gelato (yes, I ate gelato)
                          2/3 portion of paleo chicken pot pie (full portion is 653 cal)
                          1 tbsp sun butter
                          1 ginger chew
                          3 rice cakes
                          1/2 cup raw milk yogurt
                          vodka (not a lot--1 or 2 drinks' worth)

                          So that's a LOT of food for a day, eh?

                          1-hour yoga
                          3-mile run (it was more like a jog; legs felt tired/heavy)
                          Last edited by diene; 05-23-2013, 08:22 AM.

                          My journal


                          • #14

                            Down Day! Had my 150-cal protein shake after crossfit. Looking at my food intake over the past couple days, I realized that I've been eating a lot of crap lately. I'm going to make an effort to cut out the crap. Tomorrow, for example, my goal is to limit my sun butter consumption to 1 tbsp.

                            All I had today was the protein shake, some broccoli (not sure how many calories, but probably under 100), some iceberg lettuce (negligible cals), and a bowl of chai tea jello (made with chai tea, a packet of stevia, and unflavored gelatin--the whole thing was only 24 calories).

                            Good DD, calorie-wise, but woke up at 1 am b/c the bf got up and started banging around in the kitchen. Didn't get back to sleep until after 1:30.

                            2-mile walk
                            Last edited by diene; 05-24-2013, 09:37 AM.

                            My journal


                            • #15
                              Hey Serenity, I totally missed that you had started a journal! The madness is spreading

                              I'm so sorry that you went through all that stuff when you were younger... what a nightmare. From what I can read though, it doesn't sound like you have an ED anymore? Your writings could be from any woman who is frustrated at not losing weight. Did the "eating a ton" help you in any way? And how are things going without the IUD?
                              "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                              In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                              - Ray Peat