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  • Hmm the only thing I have to say is that something that feels good isn't necessarily a good thing. And vice versa. I know the power of love (how cliche sounding, but seriously) and how manipulative it can be, so I know you are not wanting to let him go or unable to. Just as long as you are aware of the danger and mess you are probably getting yourself into. It seems like you've already made up your mind.

    I'm with Mr. A on this.

    For perspective, it should be noted that I am painfully monogamous. My only experience with cheaters is my sister, who cheated on her boyfriend of many years and is now engaged to the guy with which she cheated. She was unhappy with that boyfriend and had been thinking of breaking it off for a while. She broke up with him right after she cheated.
    Depression Lies

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    • Originally posted by Mr. Anthony View Post
      I don't understand why you think his not telling you he was married isn't willfull deception?

      Sent via F -22 Raptor
      That's what I said!! I don't like this dude but di is making excuses for him bc she likes/loves him.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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      HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

      My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


      Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

      " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

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      • Ah, Diene, why does life have to be so complicated sometimes?
        I don't know, sorry to say, but based on how you describe the dynamics of your relationship I'm forming an unfavorable opinion of that guy. Not that it should matter to you either way. JMO

        Firstly -- regardless of whether you asked him or not, he should have shared with you that he is married and has a child, especially the former. I would imagine that would be one of the first personal things a person would tell someone before having in intimate conversation, or at least at some point in the initial stages of said personal communication.

        About the limerence, there is nothing that wrong with it in itself, after all from what I gather it's an involuntary condition(?), but I think FB guy has some deep-seated issues, and simply too much going on at the same time. You accept his behavior and justify it by saying that you are the same way. I really wish you could see the whole picture objectively, like from outsider's perspective. I know that this is not easy for you to do presently, or even impossible, because you really like/love that guy and your judgement and rationale are impaired at this time. Sorry if that sounds too harsh, I mean it in the most caring way.

        I'm not really going to get into the wrong/right and the religious aspect of this, as I feel it's not in my place to do that. We all have our personal belief and reasoning systems. There is some grey area, they are not absolutes.

        For some perspective, years ago I was really in love with a guy and every once in a while I would catch him in all kinds of lies. Nothing really significant, just small things. I ignored it at the time, but in hindsight I realize how naive I was.

        I'm not judging at all. I only think you are a smart and good woman who deserves better things in life.

        hugs

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        • Thanks for all the input, you guys! I've been meaning to respond but have been busy moving, cleaning, and building furniture (IKEA) over the past few days.

          Originally posted by Mr. Anthony View Post
          I don't understand why you think his not telling you he was married isn't willfull deception?

          Sent via F -22 Raptor
          Originally posted by turquoisepassion View Post
          That's what I said!! I don't like this dude but di is making excuses for him bc she likes/loves him.
          Okay, so I asked a friend the other day if he thought that it was deception that FB guy didn't tell me that he's married right from the beginning. My friend pointed out that, in the beginning, we were just having a conversation, we weren't dating or anything so it's not necessarily deception for him to not bring it up. FYI, this friend is very anti FB guy too so it's not like he was trying to defend him.

          Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
          Hmm the only thing I have to say is that something that feels good isn't necessarily a good thing. And vice versa. I know the power of love (how cliche sounding, but seriously) and how manipulative it can be, so I know you are not wanting to let him go or unable to. Just as long as you are aware of the danger and mess you are probably getting yourself into. It seems like you've already made up your mind.
          Yeah, I know...sometimes cliches have truth to them!

          And I am aware of the potential danger and mess...I've been thinking about it a lot. I have mostly made up my mind but not completely, I guess.



          Originally posted by Graycat View Post
          About the limerence, there is nothing that wrong with it in itself, after all from what I gather it's an involuntary condition(?), but I think FB guy has some deep-seated issues, and simply too much going on at the same time. You accept his behavior and justify it by saying that you are the same way. I really wish you could see the whole picture objectively, like from outsider's perspective. I know that this is not easy for you to do presently, or even impossible, because you really like/love that guy and your judgement and rationale are impaired at this time. Sorry if that sounds too harsh, I mean it in the most caring way.

          I'm not really going to get into the wrong/right and the religious aspect of this, as I feel it's not in my place to do that. We all have our personal belief and reasoning systems. There is some grey area, they are not absolutes.

          For some perspective, years ago I was really in love with a guy and every once in a while I would catch him in all kinds of lies. Nothing really significant, just small things. I ignored it at the time, but in hindsight I realize how naive I was.

          I'm not judging at all. I only think you are a smart and good woman who deserves better things in life.

          hugs
          Gray--thanks for the kind words! I know you all have misgivings about him, and I do take that very seriously...in the sense that, I have been thinking a lot about the fact that so many people have bad feelings about him. And over the past few days, I have considered possibly breaking it off--something that I did not consider before. So I am taking your advice to heart!

          Right now though, I'm going to take a wait and see approach. I do appreciate the potential danger, and I do realize that I don't actually know him yet. But I also trust my instincts, and my instincts tell me that he is a good person.

          Well, FWIW, today, he (spontaneously without any kind of prompting or suggestion from me) told me that he's thinking about telling his wife about me and asked me what I thought about it. I told him that I would feel a lot better if they had some kind of understanding, and he said that he will talk to her. It's almost like he can read my mind! Or we're just thinking about the same problem...I have not brought this up at all. I was going to wait till I see him again to bring it up in person because I realize that there is a lot of opportunity for misunderstanding if we discuss such a topic over the internet. But he brought it up himself. So I take that as a good sign. It's better that he decides to talk to her on his own than it would be for me to ask him to do it (which was what I had been tentatively thinking about doing). Again, we think in the same way.

          I may be imagining our synchronicity, but I don't think I am.

          So, yeah, wait and see...

          Now I'm off to the grocery store. I hope to catch up on everyone's journals tonight!

          Thanks for all the support and tough love, hehe! <3

          My journal

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          • Originally posted by diene View Post

            Well, FWIW, today, he (spontaneously without any kind of prompting or suggestion from me) told me that he's thinking about telling his wife about me and asked me what I thought about it. I told him that I would feel a lot better if they had some kind of understanding, and he said that he will talk to her. It's almost like he can read my mind!
            Ooooor he knows it's bothering you, and will tell you he spoke to his wife and got the OK when he really didn't, because he's manipulative and will basically do whatever to keep nailing a hot chick.

            Sent via F -22 Raptor

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            • Originally posted by diene View Post
              Thanks for all the input, you guys! I've been meaning to respond but have been busy moving, cleaning, and building furniture (IKEA) over the past few days.

              Okay, so I asked a friend the other day if he thought that it was deception that FB guy didn't tell me that he's married right from the beginning. My friend pointed out that, in the beginning, we were just having a conversation, we weren't dating or anything so it's not necessarily deception for him to not bring it up. FYI, this friend is very anti FB guy too so it's not like he was trying to defend him.



              Yeah, I know...sometimes cliches have truth to them!

              And I am aware of the potential danger and mess...I've been thinking about it a lot. I have mostly made up my mind but not completely, I guess.

              Gray--thanks for the kind words! I know you all have misgivings about him, and I do take that very seriously...in the sense that, I have been thinking a lot about the fact that so many people have bad feelings about him. And over the past few days, I have considered possibly breaking it off--something that I did not consider before. So I am taking your advice to heart!

              Right now though, I'm going to take a wait and see approach. I do appreciate the potential danger, and I do realize that I don't actually know him yet. But I also trust my instincts, and my instincts tell me that he is a good person.

              Well, FWIW, today, he (spontaneously without any kind of prompting or suggestion from me) told me that he's thinking about telling his wife about me and asked me what I thought about it. I told him that I would feel a lot better if they had some kind of understanding, and he said that he will talk to her. It's almost like he can read my mind! Or we're just thinking about the same problem...I have not brought this up at all. I was going to wait till I see him again to bring it up in person because I realize that there is a lot of opportunity for misunderstanding if we discuss such a topic over the internet. But he brought it up himself. So I take that as a good sign. It's better that he decides to talk to her on his own than it would be for me to ask him to do it (which was what I had been tentatively thinking about doing). Again, we think in the same way.

              I may be imagining our synchronicity, but I don't think I am.

              So, yeah, wait and see...

              Now I'm off to the grocery store. I hope to catch up on everyone's journals tonight!

              Thanks for all the support and tough love, hehe! <3
              Disclaimer: I was married to the ultimate manipulative, yet convincing liar.

              I agree, while it would have been more open, honest, forthcoming to mention his marital status from the beginning, as long as you were simply FB "friends" there was really no harm, no foul.

              All of that changed however, the minute you both decided to meet in real life. At that time, IMO, you both needed, if there was any chance for a real/honest/open relationship to develop, to divulge anything that would impede that chance. IMO, When things turned towards the intimate, not revealing his marital status beforehand so you could make an informed choice, made him a manipulative liar.

              How do/would you know that he actually talked with his wife? Why couldn't/wouldn't he just tell you that she was OK with him being involved with someone else since they are married, "in name only"?

              Case in point- my ex and I are still legally married but legally separated and have been for 10+ years. At one point he got engaged to someone else. She called me on more than one occasion. Quite frankly because he was lying to her and using me as the reason why he couldn't do what he promised her.

              The last time she called was to ask me why I would not sign the divorce papers. I had in the past told her the ex lied as easily as he breathed and if she believed him after learning that fact, it was on her.

              Truth be told there were no divorce papers to sign. We had it written into our separation agreement that if/when either party wanted to finalize the divorce all we had to give the other party a 90 day written notice of intent, then file papers with the court. Once the papers were signed by the judge the divorce would be finalized.

              The ex had no intention of marrying anyone and being married to me and having me as the excuse made it easy for him to get what he wanted with ease.

              And just so you know, my ex gave his fiancee my number when she asked and made sure he had a story to tell me every time she was going to contact me. She finally stopped contacting me after the signing call and I told her to stop harassing me or I would take legal action. They broke up soon after that.

              So, I cant help but wonder if he will lie to you and tell you she knows, is fine with everything, just so "he gets what he wants with ease."

              Have you given any thought to the questions I posed?
              Last edited by marcadav; 11-03-2013, 10:17 PM.

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              • Your instincts don't mean much when you are in love...

                I shoulda listened to my best friends. Not always, but when all of them said the same thing I should have.

                Others see things more clearly from a distance than you can see up close...

                And you are cherry picking your friend's opinion of him initially not lying just because he/she agreed wifh you. You ignored 4-5 of the voices here bc we didn't. -_-


                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                ------
                HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

                My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


                Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

                " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

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                • Oh, you guys have no faith in humanity! And I thought I was cynical...

                  I never brought up any concern regarding his marriage. I was going to wait until I saw him in person to bring it up, but he brought it up himself. So I don't think he's lying to me to keep me pacified. Likely, he feels guilty about it too and wants to come clean with her for that reason.

                  I'm going to adopt a wait-and-see approach...

                  I'm not ignoring your advice. I took it very seriously. I have seriously considered the possibility that you are right, and that includes seriously considering breaking it off with him. But I've decided to just wiat and see. I'm going to give him a chance. The worst that can happen is that I get hurt, but I think the experience will be worth the risk.

                  If I didn't give this a chance, I will always wonder about it. Regret is going to be a lot worse than pain.

                  My journal

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                  • Well I was just going to post today that I remembered how shitty it was when I was dating my ex and none of my friends rooted for me. Hell yeah maybe they were right but it would have been nice if they wanted for me what I wanted for me.

                    Tl;dr... I'm your side so if you want to date him, then I have zero qualms with him. Trusting your judgment on this.


                    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                    ------
                    HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

                    My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


                    Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

                    " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

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                    • Originally posted by diene View Post
                      Regret is going to be a lot worse than pain.
                      Yeah, that's what I'm concerned about.

                      Sent via lightsaber

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                      • Originally posted by turquoisepassion View Post
                        Well I was just going to post today that I remembered how shitty it was when I was dating my ex and none of my friends rooted for me. Hell yeah maybe they were right but it would have been nice if they wanted for me what I wanted for me.

                        Tl;dr... I'm your side so if you want to date him, then I have zero qualms with him. Trusting your judgment on this.
                        This is my feeling too. We're pointing out the potential pit holes (as friends do), but ultimately it's more important to be supportive than to be right...

                        Originally posted by Mr. Anthony View Post
                        Sent via lightsaber
                        Nice!
                        "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                        In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                        - Ray Peat

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                        • Turquoise & YB--thanks for the support!

                          Mr. A--lol, I see that you swapped your phone for a lightsaber.

                          In other news, I have a job interview next Monday! Here's to the journal Gods--please, please, please let me do well on the interview and get that job. Please!

                          I'm looking for an interview coach, but I don't know if I'll be able to find one on such short notice. If anyone has interview advice, please help me. I'm terrible at the entire process. I don't even know how to research the firm--I mean, what am I supposed to be looking for? I also need to figure out what questions to ask them cuz I never have any questions. Oh dear, this is why I need an interview coach. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                          My journal

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                          • Ok. Going into delurk mode.
                            I generally don't post in other people's journals but I had sorta 2 thoughts on this.

                            Firstly I've been separated from my wife for 2 years. We were (are) married 13 years. Together 16. 2 kids.
                            I'm not religious in anyway but I did stand in front of her and my friends and family and gave an oath of commitment to her. I kept it everyday. I'd be cautious with people who break their word. If a marriage should end it should end as it started between 2 people.
                            It seems primal facia that his was a some point more than a convenience marriage.
                            I can certainly see where marriage falls apart and people do things to protect their kids. If the wife doesn't take this well she just may end up winning custody because of adultery or unfitness to parent. Also depending on the age of the kid there could be resentment which if he loves his kid as much as you say, and he should, you end up getting kicked to the curb.

                            New relationships should be exciting. There should be elements of uncertainty

                            I understand I don't know you nor do I judge you. I've recently has several women not want to date me for the reason I'm legally married. Though I tell them it's just platonic.

                            Best of luck either way.
                            I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

                            Comment


                            • Hi Blacksmith! Thanks for delurking...I love new people & new insights! And sorry for not responding sooner...I just haven't had as much time to hang out on MDA since I moved back to CA. It's harder for me to spend all day on the Internet at my new job, lol!

                              Anyway, I see what you're saying. I understand how society views people who cheat on their spouses. I'm going to say that my guy is different, but I also realize that pretty much everyone who is in my position thinks that their married person is different and that, obviously, not all cheating spouses can be "different" so I'm probably delusional. And I do appreciate your concern...But I'm at this point where I feel like the situation is out of my control. Even as I type this, I can see that it's an excuse...because you always have a choice. But...oh, I don't even know anymore.

                              Yesterday, I went on a date with someone I met through an online dating site. I only wanted some distraction, something to take the pressure off my relationship with FB guy...The guy I went on the date with was nice; the date went well in the sense that it wasn't terribly boring or awkward. I gave him a hug at the end, but that was all the physical contact there was (which was nice cuz I didn't really want to do more). But the whole thing just made me miss FB guy more...

                              The mediocrity of other people. The lack of that essential connection. The hard and brutal fact that you could be with someone who is reasonably intelligent, attractive, nice, pleasant, etc., etc., etc. but still have something missing, missing, MISSING...Ugh, I don't know...I can't describe it.

                              My journal

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                              • Are you doing better, diene? You said you were all blue...


                                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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                                HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

                                My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


                                Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

                                " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

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