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This is not a lobe song

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  • This is not a lobe song

    I started this journal for the reasons you see below, but it evolved in a way I didn't expect. This journal documents the entire process by which I recovered from an eating disorder that was ruining my life. Day by day, you can see the evolution in my thoughts and behaviours, as I gain clarity and gradually heal.

    Over the last few months I've gotten a lot of PMs and messages from people suffering from EDs, saying how much reading this has helped them. The journal has gotten looong, so if I could sum up what I've learned it would be:

    EDs are psychological and physiological.

    - The first step to combatting an ED is to take yourself off a restrictive diet and make sure you're getting enough carbs and protein.
    - Get your hormones checked. In this journal I discover I have a health condition, and the diagnosis changed my life.
    - After that, read a self-help book or two. Learning about psychology has helped me understand myself and others, has increased my empathy and generally made life easier. It's very empowering to understand your subconscious fears, and how these drive us.

    Don't be a stranger!


    I'm crap at keeping journals, but I've decided I'd like to document my journey to perfection. Ha No.

    The biggest impediments to living a fruitful life are within me. My battles are with depression, an eating disorder, insomnia. And, most lately, wrinkles This journal is about me experimenting with new ideas to try and find what works for me.

    Problem is that I'm notoriously crap at seeing any experiments through! I'm hoping that keeping a journal will motivate me to stick with things. (It should really have the word "Fad" in the title, but I'm a slave to subject lines with song references... and typos

    Disclaimer: Enter with a bag of sea salt. I'm usually wrong about everything.

    Age: 31
    Gender: Female
    Last edited by YogaBare; 09-08-2013, 11:10 PM.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  • #2
    Hi! All the best for your experiments.
    Annie Ups the Ante


    • #3
      Originally posted by YogaBare
      Entry 2

      Sleep last night was a measly four hours... a direct result of the large red wine consumption. Always happens when I drink wine. Though my usual sleeping time isn't much more than that - I usually hit five hours, which is why I'm adoring the extra sleep from eating so much.
      Wine does that to me too. I always try to remind people that they can live twice as long without eating as they can without sleeping. Putting all our emphasis on eating is a mistake.

      Originally posted by YogaBare
      Exercise - really wanted to sprint, but it was raining, so did HIIT skipping (that's "jump rope" to the Yanks ) in my living room! Twenty seconds on, twenty seconds off for eight skips. Did some gentle yoga too. I'm loving how much energy I have.
      Only counts as HIIT if you did double-unders.

      Originally posted by YogaBare
      Food today was bananas, a load of rice, thai green curry, prawns, mussles, calamari, lamb broth, potatoes, avocado, carrots, four cans of coconut water, raspberries, natural yogurt, honey, an orange...
      You're hanging out with Derpy too much. He's funny, but you need to eat several more pounds of meat than this.

      Originally posted by YogaBare
      I'm feeling a bit scared about the weight gain. It seems like all the extra food is going straight to my breasts and my stomach. Although according to eh measuring tape I'm still the same, but this weight is still so much higher than my normal weight. When I taught yoga yesterday I felt like a fat yoga teacher... the humanity! My friends say I've got body dysmorphia. I guess I probably do, cos' I'm never happy with any weight I am.
      You should throw out all your mirrors for at least a couple months. Let your body recover from the years of underfeeding.

      Originally posted by YogaBare
      I noticed today that when I got out of a yoga pose my toes had turned blue!!! That can't be a sign of good circulation. My toes and bum are still cold all the time, but I'm hoping that the brushing will help. On the upside, my skin is feeling really soft. Whoop!

      Going to have some more broth before bed: I usually don't sleep well when I'm hungover either.
      Cold toes and bum aren't your problem, they're the problem of whomever you share your bed with. I always sleep better when I have some gelatin or broth before bed. (Uh-oh, maybe I've been reading too many of Derpy's posts!)
      The Champagne of Beards


      • #4
        Thanks for the PM, i wish you tons of luck with this and will be sure to check in.

        I dont think you should measure yourself daily in any way. Once a week is plenty since you really cant gain or loss all that much in a day and checking daily will just fuel your ED tendencies. You should also really take weekly picture so if you feel that your all fat again (like yoga class) you can refer to the pics. You could also post them so unbiased people could offer their opinion.

        Secondly, dont eat a food you dont like. At the very least, never force down a food that will make you not enjoy the meal. Switch the potatoes out for rice if that would make you happier. Billions of asians eat it at every meal. Yes its not as nutrient dense but you will be fine.

        Keep at it, this stuff really does take time. 2 weeks to a month will not be long enough to fully heal. Keep track of times you feel the best and worst and keep tweaking your diet to feel better. Timing, macro ratios, fluid intake, etc all effect how you will feel at certain times and it takes awhile to get that in thne with your body to know what it really wants. You dont always have to eat a balanced meal, if sometimes you feel like a big mono meal of lamb or nectarines, go for it. Dont limit yourself in any way to what you think you are supposed to do, learn to go by what your body feels is right at that moment. Think of the nutrition you get in a week, not every meal or every day.


        • #5
          "Nobody reads these things anyway, do they?"

          Apparently they do I'm subscribing to yours and will be a reader and usually silent cheerleader for you.

          Where are the wrinkles you mentioned, on your face? Coconut oil is a great night time moisturizer for your face. I'm doing salt baths followed by cold showers every day (yep every day) and the difference in my skin (along with the brushing) is amazing so far. I kind of can't believe it.

          This - How to Eliminate Cellulite Forever - InfoBarrel - Step 2. That's my salt bath and cold shower. I follow it with coconut oil everywhere!
          be the hair that knots with my hair
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          primal since oct. 1, 2012


          • #6
            Hi Yoga Bare,
            I noticed that you did not feel satisfied until you had some fat in the form of coconut cream. Perhaps this is something to look at for yourself.
            The end of your post sounded like you are quite low today. Chin up and keep smiling. It helps me to keep going back to the basics when I feel like that.
            I think it was SB hikes that said eat
            protein and veg/salad for breakfast ,
            protein and veg/salad for lunch
            protein and veg/salad for dinner with a carb if you feel like it.
            This is what I return to when I get myself confused with the direction I am heading.
            good luck
            link to my journal


            • #7
              Originally posted by YogaBare
              Aw, thanks LV

              Yeah, the wrinkles are on my face. They literally started forming overnight after I started using OCM. It really damaged my skin, so I'm wary of using Coconut oil on my face... I'm doing facial brushing (in addition to body brushing), salt baths (only once a week) and taking alfalfa supplements. I'm also looking into copper peptides. You're right about the cold showers though - I'll have to add that in

              Are you noticing a difference on just your body or your face too? I don't know if it's the salt baths or the brushing, or that I've put on weight, but I used to have some lines on my chest and I noticed today that they've completely vanished! Though I'm assuming it's the weight gain...
              Yes! I've noticed the same exact thing, and I'm losing, not gaining. So it's the brushing and/or the salt baths? I would say more of an "and" than an "or" I think for me it's some combination of cold showers, hot salt baths, coconut oil, and skin brushing. I wish I knew exactly, all of this experimenting and wondering is maddening, right? But I too lost a few lines I had on my chest. So now I feel like I have to keep doing everything. Oh plus I am also taking alfalfa and msm.....more ingredients added to the stew!

              I make the salt bath water as hot as possible, and lie stomach down, so my thighs are in the water, and also my stomach, boobs, chest, stomach, and upper arms. I listen to a podcast and try to stay in the water for at least half an hour. Then a cold shower. So far my skin seems to really love it. I can't wait till summer so I can go soak in the ocean instead of my tub!

              I was thinking of facial brushing as well, I would love to hear your thoughts about it and whether or not you're seeing any results!
              be the hair that knots with my hair
              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
              primal since oct. 1, 2012


              • #8
                The dry brushing on the face is amazing of course but to really amp it up for wrinkles and awesome skin try (after brushing) filling up the sink with cold water, hold your breath and dunk your face in as long as you can. Take a breath and repeat 1-2 more times. Really beautiful skin that is softer/smoother than a babies bum

                For heat I like body brushing immediately before hopping into bed. I don't notice the warm effect it has at other times, but when I jump right under the covers I notice that within a few minutes I feel very warm and tingly all over. After brushing for many years I have found that it is important to have a really stiff brush. I use a very firm natural hair bristle brush on the face, but for the body I have one that is made with some kind of vegetable bristle that can do a much better job than the hair bristle brushes. I buy them locally but they are from Bernard Jensen - ah.. here is the link Skin Brush Combo those brushes are miles better than any others I have found.
                PaleoMom's Diet Recovery Journal


                • #9
                  Originally posted by YogaBare

                  My body is telling me I need it: I know I don't, but I'm trying to go with it. I'm just waiting for something to happen. I don't know what! Anyway... sorry for the verbal regurgitation! I feel really frustrated today, cos I don't see anything improving.
                  What makes you think your body is telling you it wants something that it doesn't need? I know this is hard and uncomfortable on many levels. I don't like the way I look or feel right now but I know that to ever achieve truly vibrant over the top health that this process is necessary. It won't last forever. I think your body is screaming at you as loud as it can to tell you what it needs to do the work it wants to do. This isn't going to make us look great in a month or less. I will feel lucky if it happens in 6 months.

                  If it helps at all start asking men around you to pick out pictures of women they find to be ideal. I think you'll find they aren't after protruding hip bones as much as a good muscle base with a moderately softening layer of fat on top. I know that being super skinny can feel better to us for various reasons but when trying to heal it can somewhat help to realize that men don't find runway models attractive.

                  PaleoMom's Diet Recovery Journal


                  • #10
                    I love how being that thin makes me feel vulnerable and powerful at the same time.

                    This for me is the essence of my ED. Wow, only someone who has lived it could write that, there is such a feeling with thinness, this phrase has had me thinking it over since I read it yesterday.


                    • #11
                      Well, I have to admit that my comment on the cold helping with wrinkles was from reading others that had help with it. I've been lucky to not have any wrinkles yet, yikes, am I jinxing myself by saying that? I do keep my face out of the sun and always have and I haven't used any product of any kind on my face since high school- I don't know if that has helped or not.

                      I wouldn't stress TOO much about the low temp yet. I notice a huge correlation between good sleep and my body temp. If you get a good 8-9 hour solid and deep sleep and your temp is still that low then put some more thought into it. For now focus on improving the sleep and then see how that changes your temp.
                      PaleoMom's Diet Recovery Journal


                      • #12
                        Crohn's, doing SCD


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by YogaBare

                          Even though I started this journal noting that I've "probably" harmed my body with all the years of abuse, I didn't really believe it. And even though I can say I "have an ED"... I don't really believe it. I felt compelled to dismiss the articles on "Your Eatopia" because I'm not underweight. Then I read the symptoms of a restrictive ED and saw that what I'm going through - the voracious hunger, the bloating (my stomach, and now my face!), the suddenly regular bowel movements - are all textbook. It was comforting. And it gave me a bit more faith in this whole process.
                          Yes! This was my experience too. I've been so emotional about it all too lately and I'm not an emotional person. I'm weeping out of compassion for myself if that makes any sense. Keep up the journal, you make me feel like I have a friend along for this journey
                          PaleoMom's Diet Recovery Journal


                          • #14
                            A couple things.

                            Most thermometers are crap. Instead of the temp, keep track and look for trends. Make sure to do same place and time.

                            Your ravenous hunger is exactly like what happened to the men who underwent the Minnesota starvation experiment. Even months after it was over, most of them could never get enough to eat no matter how much they stuffed themselves. Your body does crazy things under stress.

                            Im amazed at the amount of food you consistently put down, bravo! You are truly doing your body good.

                            Check out #whatwouldBillysay? - Blog hes got some really interesting ideas on how much people should really be eating.

                            Have you tried a spoon of sugar and salt under your tongue when you cant sleep? It worked wonders for me when i was still struggling.

                            Lastly, i know it is easier said then done byt try not to fight your body so much. Calling yourself fat and whatnot, your body loves you and is just trying to do what it thinks is best. Most women wage war on their bodies trying to force them to be slim by sheer will, your body will always win in the long run so best bet is to give it exactly what it needs and hope it thanks you by doing what it should. Also you are your body so this paragraph sounds funny but you get what im saying.


                            • #15
                              Hey Knife, btw - I remember reading a post of yours before where you said that when you started Primal you ate solidly for several months... Am I remembering right? Why do you think you did that?
                              Not sure what you mean by "solidly". As for nutrient dense, yes. I had no idea I was so deprived of basic vitamins. I was eating a LOT of liver for - I forget now - weeks, or months. And it was an angelic moment the day I realized I didn't want any, I'd saturated my body with B vitamins and more, and my constant urge to eat, eat, eat was suddenly held at bay. My whole body feels heavier now, I am solid, my bones take more work to move through space and my muscles have grown to move them. It's a whole new body!
                              Last edited by Knifegill; 03-23-2013, 09:53 PM.
                              Crohn's, doing SCD