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  • Originally posted by ombat View Post
    Things in general? There are many, to be sure, but I think an open-mindedness to the inevitability of change is key. I think our obsession with security is a big problem.

    We did not experience similar early childhoods - she was bounced around from a few different grade schools, went through my parents' divorce when she was six, and had to deal with a little sister who required an extra amount of care (me). She experienced a lot of instability that I didn't have to experience. I wasn't bounced around, I was only an infant when my parents separated, and I was the one being cared after the most. I think she feels very victimized and that has influenced the person she's become.
    Ouch. Sounds pretty rough for her. Do you feel she resents you, or your closeness to your mum?

    Originally posted by ombat View Post
    That would be much appreciated (why are we using winky faces?)
    Because we are talking about illegal sharing of information!!!

    Just sent it

    Originally posted by ombat View Post
    Does anybody know what "dealing with things" really entails? I don't think it's something you can do actively which is extremely frustrating. That's an insightful realization you came to because we try to control the processes that we really cannot control. Only when you let go I think is when your subconscious can deal with it. Maybe.

    That sounds like a great indication. Maybe you were processing things through your dreams? We both had "night" issues: your nightmares and my nightly panic attacks. Interesting?
    I like our chats

    Interesting idea that 'letting go' might give the subconscious the freedom to process and release. It would tie in with the most primal / physical forms of release that we talked about above (like shaking etc.): if you're not thinking about it / trying to control it, your subconscious processes it and releases it through your body (which is basically your subconscious).

    However, I think the problem is that, unlike animals, humans have that extra aspect of the brain which lends itself to self-reflection. Some people don't "go there" and don't analyse stuff, but they still have that aspect of the brain, and if they refuse to ever self-reflect, in a way they might be repressing it. That also hits the subconscious hard, because anything repressed becomes toxic, and eventually gets reflected back to us in physical reality (our bodies or our lives).

    Then there are other people who dwell and ruminate excessively, and that has the opposite effect: creating a kind of inner stagnation because, as you said, it blocks the subconscious from processing.

    So, I think what's needed to really process, develop, and mature, is an ability to be conscious of what's happening, but not try to control it. Like watching, taking things in, sometimes reflecting back, but not thinking of a course of action necessarily, because there is no behavioural fix: just the ability of the subconscious to process and release.

    Which means that there are things that can be done to "deal with stuff": but they are things like learning compassion for others, building self love, self respect, and awareness. Learning to know yourself, but not ruminating on flaws, or strategies, or trying to change (which is what I spent a lot of time doing).

    The problem with the nightmares was that they were so horrific that I never allowed myself to stay asleep for them. I would always force myself to wake up, meaning that I would never fully process them. It was so weird, but I kept having them (always a variation on two themes) until I was doing my yoga teacher training. There was a man on the course who was a "healer", and one night I was having a nightmare, and in the dream he came to me and put his hands on me and healed me. Until that point I was still having 2 or 3 nightmares a week, and after that, they stopped. Maybe I had let go of control sufficiently that my subconscious was able to heal the issue through a person I recognised as a healer.

    Now I might have one a month. I had one last night, but before that I hadn't had one in about 3 months.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

    Comment


    • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
      Ouch. Sounds pretty rough for her. Do you feel she resents you, or your closeness to your mum?
      I always felt that way when we were younger. I think (or hope) she's gotten over it. This is so bizarre - I just called my mom's house and my sister picked up the phone! I can't think of why she'd even be there. She was super cheerful and asked me about an odd/uncomfortable experience I had yesterday that my mom told her about, showing interest and talking through it with me. Really not like her!

      Because we are talking about illegal sharing of information!!!

      Just sent it
      Ohh I get it

      I like our chats

      Interesting idea that 'letting go' might give the subconscious the freedom to process and release. It would tie in with the most primal / physical forms of release that we talked about above (like shaking etc.): if you're not thinking about it / trying to control it, your subconscious processes it and releases it through your body (which is basically your subconscious).

      However, I think the problem is that, unlike animals, humans have that extra aspect of the brain which lends itself to self-reflection. Some people don't "go there" and don't analyse stuff, but they still have that aspect of the brain, and if they refuse to ever self-reflect, in a way they might be repressing it. That also hits the subconscious hard, because anything repressed becomes toxic, and eventually gets reflected back to us in physical reality (our bodies or our lives).

      Then there are other people who dwell and ruminate excessively, and that has the opposite effect: creating a kind of inner stagnation because, as you said, it blocks the subconscious from processing.

      So, I think what's needed to really process, develop, and mature, is an ability to be conscious of what's happening, but not try to control it. Like watching, taking things in, sometimes reflecting back, but not thinking of a course of action necessarily, because there is no behavioural fix: just the ability of the subconscious to process and release.

      Which means that there are things that can be done to "deal with stuff": but they are things like learning compassion for others, building self love, self respect, and awareness. Learning to know yourself, but not ruminating on flaws, or strategies, or trying to change (which is what I spent a lot of time doing).
      It's a bit damned if you do, damned if you don't. There's a balance to be struck - as you mentioned - between being aware but not being too involved. Both extremes have their attraction: ignoring requires seemingly zero effort and obsession.... well, obsession can become addicting. But actively seeking the middle requires effort and acceptance. Who wants to do that?!

      Re: "compassion for others, building self love, self respect, and awareness. Learning to know yourself, but not ruminating on flaws, or strategies, or trying to change" this is good advice for people on either extreme. For the denier, this leads to a self awareness that they may not have had. For the ruminater, this takes focus off of themselves as some sort of closed environment and opens them up to experiencing themselves through a wider scope.

      The problem with the nightmares was that they were so horrific that I never allowed myself to stay asleep for them. I would always force myself to wake up, meaning that I would never fully process them. It was so weird, but I kept having them (always a variation on two themes) until I was doing my yoga teacher training. There was a man on the course who was a "healer", and one night I was having a nightmare, and in the dream he came to me and put his hands on me and healed me. Until that point I was still having 2 or 3 nightmares a week, and after that, they stopped. Maybe I had let go of control sufficiently that my subconscious was able to heal the issue through a person I recognised as a healer.

      Now I might have one a month. I had one last night, but before that I hadn't had one in about 3 months.
      That's very interesting. Do you think you didn't trust yourself or think you were qualified enough to heal yourself? That you could only allow yourself to believe a true "healer?" And why do you think you had one last night?

      Oh, and thanks for bringing up the repressed memories, but I also had "night terrors" when I was 2-3 years old (obviously I just had issues with the night). Apparently I would start screaming bloody murder and bang my head against my bed (well that explains a lot...). My mom would have to carry me around the house for a few minutes until I'd finally "come to" and realize where I was.

      I am seriously in awe that my mom didn't try to abandon me in a dumpster or something.

      I like our chats too.
      Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

      Comment


      • Originally posted by ombat View Post
        I always felt that way when we were younger. I think (or hope) she's gotten over it. This is so bizarre - I just called my mom's house and my sister picked up the phone! I can't think of why she'd even be there. She was super cheerful and asked me about an odd/uncomfortable experience I had yesterday that my mom told her about, showing interest and talking through it with me. Really not like her!
        As you change, your relationships change...

        Originally posted by ombat View Post
        That's very interesting. Do you think you didn't trust yourself or think you were qualified enough to heal yourself? That you could only allow yourself to believe a true "healer?" And why do you think you had one last night?
        I felt like I needed help. I think I was ready to let go of the trauma, and my subconscious just put the face of someone who I recognised onto the part of me that could heal myself. I think it was relevant that it was someone I only knew vaguely, because it meant there was no emotional attachment to the healing process, which I think now that there shouldn't be.

        I had one last night almost certainly cos' of the disgusting binge drinking session It a common thing to always get nightmares after heavy sessions - detox.

        Night terrors are strange cos' from what i know they're not always the result of bad dreams. Pretty disturbing though! I guess you don't remember if you had dreams before them.

        Have you heard of dream paralysis? That's what used to happen to me...

        "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

        In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

        - Ray Peat

        Comment


        • Holy shit that video alone will give me nightmares. I have not experienced that.. I don't remember anything about my night terrors before coming to.

          How long did you?
          Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

          Comment


          • Update

            Time for some honest Johnston.

            I can feel myself relapsing. I'm getting obsessed with working out, losing fat, planning crash diets. Friday I took photos of myself, noticed my body comp had improved in just a few weeks, and promptly got blind drunk, binged, and spent all weekend in bed with a hangover, eating, creating a profile on bodybuilders.com, typing questions about my workout regime.

            I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I need to do to lose weight / why I need to eat the amount I do / why I keep self sabotaging.

            I don't know what I'm going to do yet. On one hand, I sprinted this morning, and haven't eaten today, but I've thrown out my measuring tape. I'm sick of living my life by those numbers, but I'm incapable of loving my body with this extra fat. I touch my arm and feel it's softness; I look in the mirror and see flab. I want to stop trying to control, but I can't stop hating what I look like.

            Cyclical thoughts running through my head:

            - A crash diet will make me lose weight
            - But I will put the weight back on straight away
            - But any time I got borderline anorexic was through starving myself, and when I regained a little weight, I stayed pretty thin
            - I'm the heaviest I've ever been
            - Will I eventually always end up back at this weight?
            - Why do I need to eat so much? I'm clearly not burning it all off. Is eating so much a sign of metabolic disfunction?
            - And I'm scared. Because things actually are going well in my life right now! Why can't I allow myself to be happy?

            Sorry for the bluuuueeaghahgh. I know many people are obsessed with their weight, and are on starvation diets / crash diets, but for me it leads to an ED. Don't know what to do, but I'm thinking that this whole N=1 has been an ultimate failure, because either this is a metabolic problem, or else I still haven't dealt with the psychological problem.

            I just made a consultation appointment about fillers for my wrinkles...




            Originally posted by CiKi90
            gosh, I don't mean to be neglecting your journal, but every time I come in here there's so much reading that I should catch up on. It gets overwhelming! Just wanted you to know, though, that I'm happy that you're looking for answers elsewhere, and I hope that the new forum is giving you the answers you're looking for without too much broscience going on.... Because trust me, there is a forest of bullshit you have to chop through in order to get good, actual answers. ^__^
            Thanks, well, you've seen what I just wrote That site probably isn't too good for me right now. Too many skinny bodies that I feel butch in comparison to...

            Originally posted by ombat View Post
            Holy shit that video alone will give me nightmares. I have not experienced that.. I don't remember anything about my night terrors before coming to.

            How long did you?
            It was eight years... basically started having them after a really, really stressful period in my life where I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. For a period of about three months I had them every single night. I thought I was going to lose it. At the time I genuinely thought that I was being attacked by some malevolent force, but now I think the nightmares were a symptom of post-traumatic stress, but not just from that period in my adult life: also from my childhood, because at that time I started remembering things I had repressed.
            Last edited by YogaBare; 07-22-2013, 05:43 AM.
            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

            - Ray Peat

            Comment


            • I...got nothing. [[hugs]]
              Depression Lies

              Comment


              • I watched that night terrors video last night. Well, I drifted off to sleep sometime around minute 20:00. Yeah, guess I'm weird like that. Anyway that made one thing I had never found explanation for clear now. Dr. Cheyne explained that state called sleep paralysis, where the brain is stuck in a state between wakefulness and sleep and all those "visions" occur.

                It happened to me only once - thank goodness, when I was maybe 5 years old. There was Pinocchio (from the classic cartoon) at the doorway of my room carrying a stack of books. He came in as I was laying motionless and started laying the books on the bed next to mine. Then just left. I "knew" i was awake. I vividly remember the whole experience and how I got up and went looking for the books, and how disappointed I was that there was nothing there and how upset I was that I couldn't explain what had just happened..... After watching some of that video I'm glad there was never re-occurrence of that experience.......

                Re. "relapse" - hugs.....I dunno, maybe try to occupy your mind with something else. If you have to stay away from mda for a little while, so be it. How about dating, yoga, work, upcoming travels???.

                .....and more hugs....

                Comment


                • Re: the sleep paralysis--it must have been terrible to have them every night! I have them once in a while, but now I always know that it's because my body is paralyzed cuz I'm just waking up from REM sleep so I'm not that scared. But the feeling of not being able to breathe still causes a sort of primordial, reflexive panic response. It usually only lasts a few seconds before I wake myself up all the way and can move again. These days, it usually happens when my arm or leg is pinned under/being crushed by my bf, and I wake up cuz it hurts. But I don't wake up all the way at first so I'm in this paralyzed state and can't move him off me.

                  Re the relapse: I'm sorry that it's happening. :/ But regarding your weekend, well, I would cut yourself a break cuz you had a party at your house on Friday, right, and, I mean, it's normal to drink (a lot) at parties. And at least I always end up eating way too much when I'm drunk. As long as you don't do it all the time, it's not really a big deal. I mean, there needs to be a balance between being "good" and healthy and having a normal social life and doing things that normal people do even if it's somewhat unhealthy. I dunno, just my opinion. Drinking lots of water while getting drunk will help with the hangover so that you don't feel like you're completely incapacitated over the next couple days, ya know.

                  Now, back to the relapse...I think it's normal to have periods of time where you feel like you're relapsing or are starting to slip back into old habits. I'm generally opposed to the AA theory/view that "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic," thing. I believe that it's absolutely possible to make a full recovery from drug addiction (although just how hard or easy it is to fully recover depends on why you developed substance abuse problems to begin with and all of the other psychological issues that are intertwined with the addiction).

                  But with eating disorders, I think a full recovery is much, much harder. I haven't thought through the whole eating disorder thing so haven't developed a complete theory. Part of it, I think, is that the disordered relationship with food is more deeply ingrained and intertwined with body image issues that are also deeply ingrained. Also, although there are parallels between drug addiction and binge eating disorder and bulimia, they are not exactly the same. And at some point the analogy breaks down. (Anorexia is, of course, completely different from either bulimia/BED and addiction.) This is also why I'm annoyed by the Whole30 woman and how she always compares her heroin addiction to food addiction and says stupid shit like, "quitting heroin is hard, quitting sugar isn't." I would disagree. But that's another rant that I'm going to save for my own journal, I think.

                  Anyway, my point is that, I think, it's probably pretty difficult to make a full recovery from an ED. I certainly have not been able to even though I consider myself recovered and have been recovered for quite some time (13-14 years). Despite considering myself recovered, I still have episodes or binging and purging--it's just that the episodes are pretty rare these days. Since a full recovery is difficult, if not impossible (although I don't like to say that things are impossible ), you just have to manage it. And part of managing it is knowing that there will be times when you feel like you're slipping back into old habits and that it's just part of life. I don't know if this sounds too passive to you, but, for me, at least, accepting it actually makes it easier to deal with.

                  So, the point of this part is that I don't think your N=1 is a failure because I think it's normal to be unable to fully recover. I really don't think that EDs are things that you can just deal with once and fully recover from. Rather, I think, once you have it, it's like a little friend that's always going to be there and that you just have to manage. And I really hate to say this because I hate this attitude that you can't recover from something, that once you have something you always have it. It's just a really annoying attitude that's self-defeating, which is why I hate AA and their stupid attitude. But, I think, with EDs, it might just be true. *Cringe*

                  I don't know, sorry, this is a bit of a ramble because I'm not really sure what I'm talking about and am getting kinda confused. Okay, that's not reassuring. Sorry.

                  But here are some things that have helped me:
                  - Reminding myself how bad it was when it was bad and reaffirming to myself that I definitely don't want to go there again. (I don't force myself to reaffirm--I just think about how bad it was, and then my reaction has always been--oh God, definitely not going there again. Not sure what I'd do if my reaction was that I wanted to do it again since it made me lose weight.)
                  - Reminding myself of all the bad things it will do to my body. (I think this is even more relevant for anorexics because anorexia will really fuck you up physically.)
                  - Changing whatever it is that's triggering/causing the relapse. For a time a couple months ago, when I was doing VLC and cyclic ketogenic diet, I was seriously relapsing. I'd restrict calories and eat VLC during the week, then binge on carbs on the weekends. And half the time, I'd feel guilty about the carb binges so I'd purge. This went on for a few weeks in a row, and then I realized that I was starting to become a full-blown bulimic again, which is when I decided that it couldn't go on. Well, I let it go on for a few more weeks until I finally stopped restricting and VLC.

                  Also, if you want to talk, I'm on gchat a lot.
                  Last edited by diene; 07-22-2013, 09:38 AM.

                  My journal

                  Comment


                  • That is incredible that you did not break down. I don't know how anyone could go through that and not wind up with serious damage! (Or maybe it was serious damage that caused the dreams in the first place...) I am so glad you don't have them anymore...

                    Re: Relapse, I think that seeing progress can cause two things: 1) an addiction to continue the practices that brought about that progress (exercise) and 2) self-sabotage if you don't feel you deserve that progress (restricting). Over exercise + restriction will basically just bring you back to where you were.

                    Do you feel like this all the time or is it something that will be gone tomorrow and them maybe resurface again in a few days? If the latter, I think you should just take everything one day at a time. Good to throw our your tape, maybe stop looking in your mirrors so much.

                    Also, I wouldn't couple the success with the drinking. Like Di said, sometimes it just happens?

                    And I know this probably doesn't help, but I think you look gorgeous and healthy.


                    Gray, Pinocchio scared me so much as a child. That would have been a nightmare for me... It's interesting that yours was so benign, though. I wonder how many people experience dream paralysis that isn't terrorising?
                    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                      Update

                      Time for some honest Johnston.

                      I can feel myself relapsing. I'm getting obsessed with working out, losing fat, planning crash diets. Friday I took photos of myself, noticed my body comp had improved in just a few weeks, and promptly got blind drunk, binged, and spent all weekend in bed with a hangover, eating, creating a profile on bodybuilders.com, typing questions about my workout regime.

                      I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I need to do to lose weight / why I need to eat the amount I do / why I keep self sabotaging.

                      I don't know what I'm going to do yet. On one hand, I sprinted this morning, and haven't eaten today, but I've thrown out my measuring tape. I'm sick of living my life by those numbers, but I'm incapable of loving my body with this extra fat. I touch my arm and feel it's softness; I look in the mirror and see flab. I want to stop trying to control, but I can't stop hating what I look like.
                      You just started hormone regulation treatment. That takes time to regulate. During the regulation period your body will be going through a lot of changes. It is important to remember and embrace the fact that you are trying to heal a body that is not functioning properly and healing does not happen overnight.

                      I think too much focus is being put on, what I see as, minute details that will or will not sort themselves out once your body heals..Whether your weight, your wrinkles or any other troubling area fixes itself to some abstract idea of perfection is NOT under your control.

                      So I suggest focusing on what you do have control over-- your choices. Decide what you will and wont do in regards to food and exercise. Do those things daily and let the rest fall where it may.

                      You are more than a number on a machine or measuring tape. You are more than a few wrinkles. You are more than the image in the mirror that is probably distorted.

                      The best thing you can do is learn to love the real you-warts and all. Getting help might be useful.

                      Comment


                      • Hey, I just had a thought. The SLD thread has become quite active again. Why don't you give SLD a shot? It didn't work for me, but it works for some people. And when it does work, it works like a freaking miracle! Two tablespoons of coconut oil a day won't hurt you, and it might just work for you.

                        Here are the summarized rules:

                        Take your oil in the middle of a 2-hour flavorless window. That means you do not ingest anything with flavor one hour before taking the oil and one hour after. This means no coffee, tea, etc. (The key is flavor, not calories.)

                        Make sure you get the refined coconut oil, which has no taste/smell. If using the kind with taste/smell, you must hold your breath while taking it and then rinse out your mouth with water before breathing again. (While you are rinsing your mouth, breathe through your mouth so that you don't accidentally taste/smell the oil.)

                        Some people hold their breath even while taking flavorless oils (because even the flavorless ones have a tiny bit of flavor so safer to just hold your breath while taking it).

                        Have patience. The appetite suppression may not kick in right away. According to the book, it can take up to 7 weeks for appetite suppression to kick in. I must admit that I never consistently did it for 7 weeks. I have done it consistently for 3 weeks, and it didn't work so I gave up.

                        My journal

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                          Update

                          Time for some honest Johnston.

                          I can feel myself relapsing. I'm getting obsessed with working out, losing fat, planning crash diets. Friday I took photos of myself, noticed my body comp had improved in just a few weeks, and promptly got blind drunk, binged, and spent all weekend in bed with a hangover, eating, creating a profile on bodybuilders.com, typing questions about my workout regime.

                          I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I need to do to lose weight / why I need to eat the amount I do / why I keep self sabotaging.

                          I don't know what I'm going to do yet. On one hand, I sprinted this morning, and haven't eaten today, but I've thrown out my measuring tape. I'm sick of living my life by those numbers, but I'm incapable of loving my body with this extra fat. I touch my arm and feel it's softness; I look in the mirror and see flab. I want to stop trying to control, but I can't stop hating what I look like.

                          Cyclical thoughts running through my head:

                          - A crash diet will make me lose weight
                          - But I will put the weight back on straight away
                          - But any time I got borderline anorexic was through starving myself, and when I regained a little weight, I stayed pretty thin
                          - I'm the heaviest I've ever been
                          - Will I eventually always end up back at this weight?
                          - Why do I need to eat so much? I'm clearly not burning it all off. Is eating so much a sign of metabolic disfunction?
                          - And I'm scared. Because things actually are going well in my life right now! Why can't I allow myself to be happy?

                          Sorry for the bluuuueeaghahgh. I know many people are obsessed with their weight, and are on starvation diets / crash diets, but for me it leads to an ED. Don't know what to do, but I'm thinking that this whole N=1 has been an ultimate failure, because either this is a metabolic problem, or else I still haven't dealt with the psychological problem.
                          It's not a failure Yogabare. Just because you had a couple of "off" days doesn't mean you haven't made major progress. I think with addictions, it just takes time to see. That thought process may try to sneak back in but, in time you will see that you are strong enough to not give in... and eventually they will go away all together. I believe that for you. I think the fact that you are even questioning the past coupe of days in huge!Try not to stress yourself out so much with thinking that it's all been for nothing. Maybe just a little more patience... in a year, you will probably be in a really great place, in mind and body!

                          I know you aren't comfortable with your looks right now but from the few chopped head pics I've seen on here recently, you look great. If I passed you on the street, I would not think you looked fat or unhealthy bodywise.

                          Comment


                          • Hi guys,

                            thank you so, so much for all your kind words. I need to take a break for a few days, and if you're still interested in me in a couple of days () I'll respond to your messages.

                            xxx

                            In other news: Yesterday I realised that the word "OK" is actually an upside-down stick man. The world just shifted a lil bit...
                            Last edited by YogaBare; 07-23-2013, 02:17 AM.
                            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                            - Ray Peat

                            Comment




                            • Hey guys,

                              Well, I'm back... sooner than expected! I feel like a bit of an idiot, but this journal is an outlet for me, and I clearly need it.

                              Firstly: thank you. I'm really, really touched that you guys wrote such thoughtful responses, and took the time to read my stupid wailing. Every reply really, really touched my heart.

                              Secondly, I decided not to relapse. Well, I rescued the measuring tape from the bin, I didn't eat yesterday, or today, but I've come through slaughter and realised how stupid this is. I'm having a nectarine now, and I will eat tomorrow.

                              Thirdly, I've realised that, relapsing is impossible, because in truth, I hadn't recovered. My behaviours changed, and I was allowing myself to eat but, give or take a few weeks, my thoughts were consistently obsessive and neurotic, and my mood is influenced by what I see in the mirror. And sadly, the best thing I think when I see myself is "Oh. I don't look that bad..."

                              Having done this N=1, I can see this is not a nutritional problem. Sure, the years of chronic deprivation and yo-yo diets didn't do me any favours, but it was actually reading the ED thread on Bodybuilder.com (thank Ci!) that made me see the light. All these people, allowing ED to tear their minds and bodies apart. Maybe it's nutritional, maybe it's hormonal, but where does it really start?

                              I have rage issues, and I hate myself, and I project this onto every aspect of my life. Nothing works out, everything becomes a source of pain and frustration, no one is good enough, especially not me. The stress generated from this perpetual cycle haunts me at every turn, keeps me up at night, and I turn to what soothes me: food. As we know from Ray Peat, sugar lowers stress, and most food lowers mine.

                              The problem is that anything stresses me. The act of living upsets me. I have such beautiful ideals, but not-so-deep-down, I am angry, petty, and pissed off. I believe that I'm a despicable person, not worthy of love, not worth more than a body which can be used, possessed, disposed of. All the treasures inside my heart turn to dust as soon as I allow them to breathe life.

                              There's a great quote from Game of Thrones where it's said: "there's a beast in every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand." Luckily I have not turned to raping and pillaging, but I know the savage beast, and the only thing that soothes that soothes it for me is a tub of cottage cheese, or a pineapple, or whatever else I'm stuffing my face with at the time Very occasionally I will unleash my wrath upon someone I know, but usually I box it inside. I used to cry every time I went for therapy, and bad then it felt like the pain had no beginning, no end, that it was a vortex woven into my soul, and nothing could extricate me.

                              I'm glad to say I'm not in such a bad way anymore. But still, there is the relentless self hatred that colours everything in my life.

                              I don't really know where to go from here. I am aware that modifying behaviours isn't going to help me. How do you generate enough self love to accept yourself, and enough respect to allow yourself to give yourself what you need? I know none of us have these answers, or else we would all be enlightened, and probably every one struggles with these thoughts on occasion. Fortunately they are not my default setting anymore (since taking the progesterone really) but I do feel them creeping in on a daily basis.

                              Weirdly, it does make me feel better to vocalise here that most of the time I feel like a petty bitch, tortured by the guilt of y own inadequacies.

                              I'm really sorry for the heavy load again, and I completely understand if no one replies (particualry since I didn't even respond properly to your other, lovely responses - I will!). I'm hoping that no one too judgemental has drifted in, because no one really needs to read these inane things that I need to write out.
                              "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                              In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                              - Ray Peat

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                              • I'm not always very good at responding to heavy feels, so I apologise in advance if this suggestion seems trite. If you have rage-turning-inward problems, how about finding an outlet for turning rage outward? The first thing that came to mind was to take up boxing. The fact that the ethos of fighting is so far away from the love-peace-oneness of, say, yoga might actually be a release.

                                Just a thought.
                                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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