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  • ARGH. I"m STILL AWAKE!!! It's 5.33am here. I'll admit that this insomnia is most likely psychological. Tonight I'm presenting a project that I spent five years working on. It's actually not a big deal: it's only a feedback presentation, and I'm friends with most of the people going, but for some reason I'm really nervous about it. Oh, and I'm also nervous about after the event

    I've given up on sleep now so I'll just work on the project until I go into the yoga studio at 10.30am. #insomniabites.

    Originally posted by ombat View Post
    Meaning, I am exhausted all day, but the moment I hit my pillow I'm wide awake. Wtf?
    Ah, I see! I thought you were saying "Hey, it's not my fault!"
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

    Comment


    • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
      Ah, I see! I thought you were saying "Hey, it's not my fault!"
      Oh, ha, well, that too

      Your anxieties are your number one culprit right now.
      Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

      Comment


      • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
        I'll admit that this insomnia is most likely psychological.
        Originally posted by ombat View Post
        Your anxieties are your number one culprit right now.
        LOL - are you always this astute?

        SOrry, meant to ask: your energy aint been good lately? <3
        "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

        In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

        - Ray Peat

        Comment


        • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
          LOL - are you always this astute?
          Short answer: Yes.

          Snarky, sleep deprived answer: Are you always this patronizing?

          0

          SOrry, meant to ask: your energy aint been good lately? <3
          Correct, because of the lack of sleep... Which I'm going to try to remedy right now...

          Good luck on your presentation! I'll get to your email. xoxo
          Last edited by ombat; 10-08-2013, 10:25 PM.
          Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

          Comment


          • Originally posted by ombat View Post
            Short answer: Yes.

            Snarky, sleep deprived answer: Are you always this patronizing?
            You bring out the best in me!

            ----



            I feel sorry for any lurkers who've been on my journal this last week. Wrestling with some pretty heavy stuff. Unfortunately it looks set to continue and I need to write about it so please look away if you need to!

            Only slept for an hour last night. I'm excited and nervous about my presentation, and YG staying over. It mostly felt like excitement, but today I've been getting flashbacks of the bad things that happened to me. I feel pummeled by memories, and the trauma that arises from them is potent.

            I feel okay, but I've buried this stuff for so long, and now the prospect of a guy sleeping in my bed is stirring it all up. I know logically that he's going to be fine... I've built a degree of trust with him, and I want him to stay, but the fear is rising from my stomach like bile, and I taste it every time I think of him.

            I know this is unPC to say, and I know it's wrong, but I cant shake the feeling that if I tell him anything that's happened to me he'll view me differently, and not in a good way... but as this damaged burden. I really wish I could just get over it. I feel traumatised right now. I mean, I'm fine, but it's not easy.

            Sorry, I'm really not even looking for hugs or love (which is why I'm not making this a new post): I really just need to write. Ugh.

            Tell you one thing, I'm going to have to delete this journal soon!! I would die if anyone I knew read it and realised it was me.
            Last edited by YogaBare; 10-09-2013, 04:09 AM.
            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

            - Ray Peat

            Comment


            • I guess it's night there now. So how did it go? I'm sure you did great on the presentation.

              Oh, I hope you don't delete your journal...I love your journal. Well, if you delete this one, you'll have to start another one so we can keep up the banter, but there will be fewer details...

              My journal

              Comment


              • Yes, let us know how it went, when you can.

                Ugh, please don't even think about deleting your journal. What if it inspires yet another lurker to get certain aspects of their life back on track the way it once inspired me?.........aand ........ it's a good journal (maybe in different ways) for everyone participating.

                Comment


                • Don't delete journal! Although you can delete certain posts of mine that reveal too much... Lol.

                  How'd the presentation go?!?


                  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
                  ------
                  HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

                  My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


                  Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

                  " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

                  Comment


                  • If someone you know in real life read your journal, they would be nothing but enchanted with your humanity.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                      Sorry, I'm really not even looking for hugs or love (which is why I'm not making this a new post): I really just need to write. Ugh.

                      Tell you one thing, I'm going to have to delete this journal soon!! I would die if anyone I knew read it and realised it was me.
                      Writing is therapeutic but I understand not wanting people I know to read it.... just know that your journal has been so insightful and helpful in many ways.

                      Comment


                      • You dwell on the past too much. Let go.

                        Comment


                        • Diene, Gray, Moluv, Girlhk, Turquoise: thanks so much for the positive comments Part of the reason I might delete is because I've told YG loads about the forum and my internet BFFs, and now we're spending more time together he's on my computer a lot so he knows the website is MDA. If he bothered to look on here he'd figure it out pretty quickly who I was! I wouldn't give a shit about him seeing my posts on the forum at large, but the journal is another matter... particularly that I've started talking about him so much in here..>!

                          Zach, you know I love you, and I know you're trying to be supportive, so I'm going to tell you: that is the worst thing you can say to someone who's been sexually abused. I'm not so sensitive anymore that I'm affected by what people on the internet say, but if ever someone you know in reality (a gf, or one of your children) comes to you and tells you something like that, telling them to get over it would be really damaging for them. I'm not saying this in annoyance: I know you're trying to help.

                          Thursday, 10th Oct

                          Firstly, thanks for asking about the presentation guys! It went really, really well. People were really moved by what I'd done, and one guy said it was life changing Prob be a few more months before I'm finished completely, but I'm hopeful that I've made something good.

                          Now, the other stuff (warning: probably tmi ahead )

                          I didn't realised how traumatised I was until yesterday. In the morning I started getting flashback to horrible things that happened to me: stuff I hadn't thought about in years. Luckily it only lasted a few hours.

                          Me and YG came back to my place afterwards. I wasn't planning to tell him anything, but as soon as things started getting heated I knew I couldn't go any further without being honest. I didn't say much, but he got the gist, and he was amazing. Told me that this was a new day, and he's a new guy who cares about me, and it's going to take time to rebuild trust, but that he could wait. He also said I could tell him anything I needed to, whenever I was ready.

                          We went to bed and it was so weird... Things would get passionate, and then suddenly I would realise that I'd left my body. I can recognise now that this happened to me in the past (not all the time, but many times), but I wouldn't have the space to explore it... I'd force myself to "go with the flow" when really it was the last thing I wanted. But because I felt no pressure at any time with YG (the man is a saint... seriously ), within a few hours I was able to relax, and we could be more intimate, and it was nice.

                          Also (and sorry if this is TMI), while I've always been a very generous lover, last night I recognised that in the past I was using my "skills" to try and make the guy like me more. Isn't that awful? But last night (maybe because I felt no pressure) the intimacy resulted from a genuine desire to share with someone. Which is what intimacy should be, right? It's not about what you get out of it as an individual (whether that's an orgasm or an attachment): it's about the shared experience.

                          And, idk... he seems to have already decided he's in this for the long haul. When he was leaving this morning he told me we'd work through it. Of course, people's minds can change, and there's no way of knowing how things will pan out, but right now, I feel very fortunate to be having this experience.

                          And guys, as always... thank you. Me and Diene were talking on FB the other day, saying how strange it is to have such close relationships with people we've never met. The level of support we give each other is like what people would give family, or BFFs. It's pretty amazing

                          Love you guys.

                          Xxxxxxxx
                          "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                          In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                          - Ray Peat

                          Comment


                          • You and diene talk on Facebook?! I wanna!!!!

                            Comment


                            • YG lived up to his image of being a gentleman. I am happy you found a guy who is able to work with you through the flashbacks and fears. I have been there... It sucks to have out of body experiences because of the past. It seems like this guy is a keeper because whether or not he understands, he has the patience to stand by you and to listen.

                              Ps. I am glad the presentation went well!!!!





                              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
                              ------
                              HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

                              My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


                              Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

                              " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by moluv View Post
                                You and diene talk on Facebook?! I wanna!!!!
                                Shall we all take this MDA party to FB?

                                Originally posted by turquoisepassion View Post
                                YG lived up to his image of being a gentleman. I am happy you found a guy who is able to work with you through the flashbacks and fears. I have been there... It sucks to have out of body experiences because of the past. It seems like this guy is a keeper because whether or not he understands, he has the patience to stand by you and to listen.

                                Ps. I am glad the presentation went well!!!!
                                Thanks so much Turquoise... I really appreciate all your thoughtful comments. Knowing you've gone through similar feelings has helped a lot! It's so strange, because I didn't realise how traumatised I was by all this until recently. I guess I buried it under depression and an eating disorder. Feels so strange to be getting to the root of things.

                                And yes, I'm pretty wowed by him...
                                "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                                In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                                - Ray Peat

                                Comment

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