Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

This is not a lobe song

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Maybe I should start an orgasms thread in Odds and ENds? It's very reassuring to know that I'm not the only one.

    So, question of the day: How often have you faked it? My answer: Too many times to count...

    Originally posted by Graycat View Post
    Hey Yoga, I'm sending you hugs too

    As you know I already knew about some of those things that had happened to you, and I somehow assumed you were still not that intimate with yogaguy.
    You know, I kinda disagree with you about that those emotional fluctuations you are experiencing are result of hormonal imbalances alone. While I'm not disputing that hormones definitely play a role, and I know you have some problems with hormones, I think that emotions and feelings are driven predominantly by psychological and situational factors. Yeah, I know you disagree.
    Have you opened up yo YG about any of those things you describe here? Do you feel that comfortable with him yet?
    As to never have orgasmed with a partner, confession time -- neither have I. I think for me it's psychological, I don't want to lose control, if even only for a very short time. I don't know if that makes sense, cause I'm not a controlling type of person at all. Up to this day, I can't really make much sense of it all.
    I was never avoiding sex, though, despite of that. I used to find it really exciting, up to the point where I was supposed to see "explosions", which just never came (no pun intended). In part I was deriving some gratification from the fact that I was satisfying my partner. I used to be quite sexual from a very early age, and as you know I didn't lose my libido till only few years ago. Sorry, this came out a lot more personal than I intended.
    Thanks Gray ♥ Lol - I know: you were one of the few who read that post I made after my doctor's visit, before I deleted it.

    Nono - we're on the same page. I don't just think this is hormonal: I believe it's psycho-somatic. In fact, I'm pretty sure the reason I have hormonal imbalances specifically relating to my female sex hormones is because of the abuse.

    Please feel free to share! I find it helpful that other people can relate.

    I really relate to what you're saying: sex was kind of a power thing for me, because on some level even though I wanted to orgasm, it made me feel powerful that I could drive them wild but they couldn't do the same for me. I kind of prided myself on being ummm... let's say "talented" at giving BJs, but the guy wasn't able to return the favour. If that makes sense.


    Originally posted by moluv View Post
    <3 thanks for sharing your story first of all, my heart aches for you dealing with all of that. I'm going to keep my thoughts on rape culture to myself and go right to some ideas about what may be going on with your body. It was mentioned before that your bad mood the other day was related to possibly losing weight and the release of cellular memory into the present. Knowing your past now it seems all the more plausible. Something, or a combination of things your are doing now has brought this issue to the foreground and your body is reacting violently to it. The swelling and weight gain you describe is a defense mechanism. Perhaps you were slimming down to a point where you needed more protection, coupled with getting closer to sex with yg, your body has perceived a threat.

    Have you ever fully experienced your rage about these events? Has it been suppressed? Is it coming up now (skin probs)? Is there a way that you can feel comfortable really getting in touch with that anger and releasing it? Like actively searching for it in your body and letting it out? Screaming, hitting things, breaking things in a controlled type setting?

    That's all I got. Plus, fuck the men that did that.

    I wonder if the men that reacted badly when you told them were guilty of rape themselves? I can't understand the reactions at all.
    Thanks Moluv, and thanks for the insights ♥ That stuff about my body resonates... it's sooo bloody annoying

    I don't feel comfortable expressing rage, at all. I briefly tried a martial art but I wasn't fit enough to stick with it.!

    Please do share your thoughts on rape culture - seriously. It's probably something that would be good to read.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

    Comment


    • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
      Maybe I should start an orgasms thread in Odds and ENds? It's very reassuring to know that I'm not the only one.
      That would be hilarious! I think women not being able to achieve orgasm with partners is probably a lot more common than we think. Not sure why that it is because the ability to orgasm surely evolved so that females can orgasm with their mates, not just so that they can self-stimulate to orgasm, haha! It's probably some kind of sociocultural problem.

      Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
      So, question of the day: How often have you faked it? My answer: Too many times to count...
      Yeah, me too. But I haven't been faking it with my current bf. He doesn't seem to give a fuck that I never orgasm any more, but I'm relieved that I don't have to fake it.

      My journal

      Comment


      • I've faked pleasure but not a full orgasm. I've even faked pleasure in order for a guy to orgasm more quickly to get it over with Oh what we do... .

        I wonder if getting some rage out might actually be therapeutic for you. When I was young I used to throw pillows around my room, scream into them, punch them into oblivious. The next time you feel pent up energy, take a pillow and scream bloody murder into it. See where that takes you...

        ETA: Also, I know we've talked about shaking, and I don't think it necessarily has to be triggered by negative emotions to be therapeutic. Try putting some headphones in at full blast to a song you love to dance / move to and just go fucking nuts. Literally tremble.
        Last edited by ombat; 10-03-2013, 12:18 PM.
        Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

        Comment


        • Orgasms for women are almost entirely mental. If you're not in the right state of mind for whatever reason you probably won't climax. I've realized that, and utilize the mental aspect to my advantage because I may not have the most attractive body, but I can get a girl off with my thoughts pretty easily. In fact, currently, I've found I can make her climax with no body contact at all.

          ps Yoga lemme know if you wanna talk it out. No orgasms will be had of course.
          Make America Great Again

          Comment


          • Trying to release anger always made me feel kind of pathetic. TBH, taking things out on myself was the only way I could relax if I felt upset. Not an advisable treatment method.

            I don't think I've intentionally faked it? Sometimes it's just so hard for me to orgasm, so I'll kind of play up the pleasure a bit and that actually helps me get somewhere. But sometimes I just can't really orgasm so I will feel relaxed at some point and think, "Oh, I guess it happened? That was underwhelming." That was how I first discovered I was orgasming (from dry-humping) and knew what to look for.

            I think women (speaking in binary terms because that is what's applicable to your situation, I believe) are taught to be sexual, but not how. There's a lot of nonsense in magazines, but the reality is that it depends on your own preferences & your own body. There's no tried & true method for every single person and it can be really difficult to find the right equations for yourself. Sometimes, I fantasize about coming while having sex and then I can. Or I visualize how Hulky looks from other angles while I'm touching him. But actually seeing it would make me uncomfortable (with mirrors) because I don't want to see myself. I don't like porn either.

            Anyway, women are taught to be sexual and sexuality is forced on us from all angles, from all media, from all kinds of interactions. I am sure a huge percentage of women fake it at least part of time in order to avoid confrontation because we're taught that good sex = achieving orgasm and if you can't do that, that obviously means you're failing. No, it just means you haven't figured it out. And maybe you won't. That's okay too, you should just be happy with what you're doing (or not doing), right? I think it's important to talk to your partner(s) about anything that's bothering you, whether you perceive it as a problem or not, when it comes to sex so you can find a solution together.

            Also, vibrators <3.
            Depression Lies

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Derpamix View Post
              Orgasms for women are almost entirely mental. If you're not in the right state of mind for whatever reason you probably won't climax. I've realized that, and utilize the mental aspect to my advantage because I may not have the most attractive body, but I can get a girl off with my thoughts pretty easily. In fact, currently, I've found I can make her climax with no body contact at all.
              Definitely true. If I'm distracted, it ain't happening. That's pretty interesting though. I don't get off to verbal stimuli unless there's physical contact as well. Then it's motivating.
              Depression Lies

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Derpamix View Post
                Orgasms for women are almost entirely mental. If you're not in the right state of mind for whatever reason you probably won't climax. I've realized that, and utilize the mental aspect to my advantage because I may not have the most attractive body, but I can get a girl off with my thoughts pretty easily. In fact, currently, I've found I can make her climax with no body contact at all.
                Yes, indeed, absolutely, 100%. Verbal stimulation helps me tremendously. Somewhat skeptical about your no-body-contact-whatsoever-claims, though some women have purported to be able to climax mentally...

                ps Yoga lemme know if you wanna talk it out. No orgasms will be had of course.
                Then what's the point? I think we should all be able to test out your skills...
                Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

                Comment


                • Guys, thanks so much for the insights on YG. And you're right that if he reacts badly then he's not worth it but... I just feel like how many people can I meet that are "not worth it?" How many times do I reveal myself and get rejected?

                  It's nice that he is coming across well but in my eyes.... well, when we went on our first date, I felt like I'd met someone special. Then all the shit happened, and ever since I haven't really viewed him as special or amazing. It's actually helped because instead of thinking he was this dream guy, I have my feet firmly on the ground, and instead he surprises with how compassionate, sensitive and kind he is. I just keep waiting for this monster to emerge though... god, I didn't realise I have such issues with men. I love men! (I have loads of male friends). But I guess they scare me at the same time.

                  I'm just scared that telling him these things will trigger commitment issues in him. I have commitment issues, and I go for guys who have commitment issues, and I keep thinking that telling him this stuff will create an expectation of what I want from him. Which is not the case: I just don't want rejection, or to not be scared anymore. Yesterday I freaked out because he took a while to respond to an email. It's scared me to the point where I'm backing off emotionally and haven't responded to him. I know that sounds stupid. I don't even want to imagine what I'd be like if we were having sex...

                  Originally posted by spk View Post
                  You are one brave woman. First, I'm sorry you feel crummy.

                  Nameless said something so spot-on: "I guess I'm coming from a place of not really understanding my sex drive..." Although she wasn't talking from a violent or pressure-for-sex aspect, that's what frequently happens when pressure or violence is part of sex. It fractures your connection with what your sexuality is, alone and singular, w/o violence or pressure. Does that make sense?
                  Thank you SPK ♥

                  It kind of makes sense. I'm not really used to talking about this, so it's still foggy. I've felt pressured into having sex with every single guy I've been with. YG is literally the first guy who's given me space. And the thing is that I really desire and want him, but I'm shell shocked by the space he's given me and can't believe that we'll ever have sex. If that makes sense?! It probably sounds mad.

                  I really appreciate you saying I'm brave. I certainly don't feel that way. But thinking about it, maybe there is a reason I have felt such a determination to be happy. Many people who are depressed just resign themselves to it, but Ive been determined to survive. ANd the penny drops that they call sexual abuse victims (a word I hate) "survivors" (a word I also hate. But maybe there's something to it.)

                  For the record: if this comes off as bossy pants, I'm sorry! You've been generous with me YB and I want to stand up with you here. Because I've been there YB. I've seen boyfriends reactions when you tell them something that happened to you and they can't process it. When, years later, I had the epiphany that I wasn't passing the same crap done to me on to other people, that it was going to End With Me, then I moved on.
                  You're not coming across as bossy at all! I can relate to deciding something "ends with me" - I felt like that about my relationship with my mum.

                  SPK, you sound like you've gone through something too. If you'd like to share, I'm all ears <3

                  Originally posted by turquoisepassion View Post
                  [eta: for the first year though, my ex was instrumental in helping me heal with respect to sex and my body image. There was a look in his eyes when he looked at me and my body I would never ever forget as long as I live. It wasn't of lust...or whatever. It was of wonderment....like he has never seen anything more beautiful. He really helped me come out of my shell and enjoy sex]
                  I can attest that just being with him has already improved my body image. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. I'm worried about him seeing me naked, but so far he seems pretty happy with how I look

                  ETA. Also, when he compliments me, I feel bashful, because I feel it's genuine, and it humbles me. Normally I don't believe guys I'm dating when they give me compliments cos I think they just want something from me...

                  (OK WOW OVERSHARE THREAD YAY. HI MOM!)
                  LOL.
                  Last edited by YogaBare; 10-03-2013, 12:47 PM.
                  "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                  In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                  - Ray Peat

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by ombat View Post
                    Yes, indeed, absolutely, 100%. Verbal stimulation helps me tremendously. Somewhat skeptical about your no-body-contact-whatsoever-claims, though some women have purported to be able to climax mentally...



                    Then what's the point? I think we should all be able to test out your skills...
                    Hey man don't put me on the spot like that

                    It required a lot of teasing and being in a dangerous position(public for example)
                    Make America Great Again

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by ombat View Post
                      I, like Turquoise, have experienced letting another man help to heal us in that department and there isn't any shame or weakness in doing so.
                      Thanks Bat <3

                      You know, that's really interesting. Maybe subconsciously I think I need to do everything myself. My mum has this attitude that she can never rely on a man to help her (her dad was absent and had affairs; my dad was absent and had affairs).

                      Do you think that there is any chance that you are avoiding trying to get over your trauma?
                      I really don't know... I feel like I'm going backwards right now. But also I just don't thnk me and him were at a point were it was open for discussion. The conversation last weekend opened things up more. Up until now we've just been chugging along...

                      Originally posted by ombat View Post
                      I've faked pleasure but not a full orgasm. I've even faked pleasure in order for a guy to orgasm more quickly to get it over with Oh what we do... .
                      Ha - been there! All the times I faked it were purely to take the pressure off, and to protect the man's ego.

                      o me.

                      Originally posted by Derpamix View Post
                      Orgasms for women are almost entirely mental. If you're not in the right state of mind for whatever reason you probably won't climax. I've realized that, and utilize the mental aspect to my advantage because I may not have the most attractive body, but I can get a girl off with my thoughts pretty easily. In fact, currently, I've found I can make her climax with no body contact at all.

                      ps Yoga lemme know if you wanna talk it out. No orgasms will be had of course.
                      Wow... I'll have to take your word for that!

                      And thanks Derp ♥

                      ---

                      RAGE and stuff.

                      Maybe I should start a thread on this I have no idea how to get process this emotion. The only person I feel angry with ever is my mum...

                      Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                      Trying to release anger always made me feel kind of pathetic. TBH, taking things out on myself was the only way I could relax if I felt upset. Not an advisable treatment method.
                      Yes, this. I just can't bring myself to scream into pillows and stuff. It feel inherently wrong to me.

                      Ironically, one of the first personal things I told YG was that I had rage issues, LOL.
                      "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                      In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                      - Ray Peat

                      Comment


                      • As much as I would love to broaden the discussion, I think the thread would vanish pretty quickly as most other sex-related threads have.
                        Depression Lies

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                          I've felt pressured into having sex with every single guy I've been with. YG is literally the first guy who's given me space. And the thing is that I really desire and want him, but I'm shell shocked by the space he's given me and can't believe that we'll ever have sex.
                          Have you considered asking him to talk more specifically about his sexual past, get a sense of what he might be able to "handle" if you choose to share details w/ him? I don't think its a big deal that he's given you that much space, intimacy wise. Maybe he's got a story to share that would open the door for you to know how to broach this w/ him.

                          As for intimacy I've never felt having an orgasm was letting go of or giving control over to the man. Particularly since they're just participants in the event, as am I. They get to be there for my la petite mort and I get to be there for theirs. For me a solo orgasm is way different than one w/ my partner. Seismic scale different.

                          “you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.” Wavy Gravy

                          Today I am Fillyjonk. Tommorow I will be Snufkin.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                            The only person I feel angry with ever is my mum...
                            ^ I have to say this is really, really pertinent. ^ Have you ever listed the 5 or so descriptives of what she did/does that anger you and see if there are any similarities to the people you've dated? Just curious if you see any overlap.

                            “you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.” Wavy Gravy

                            Today I am Fillyjonk. Tommorow I will be Snufkin.

                            Comment


                            • Time difference means I'm very late to this. A few thoughts...sorry for the bullet point nature, but I'm at work and want to get something down before I have to stop...
                              *hugs, hugs, hugs*
                              Talk to YG. Take it little by little and give *him* time to process each puzzle piece as well as time for you to place them in the correct spot.
                              Sexy times don't have to equal penetration. Ever, if need be. Also, taking things sllloooooowwwwwwllllllyyyyy allows both of you to learn each other - we're all special snowflakes when it comes to what we like.
                              *hugs, hugs, hugs* What happened to you was awful and in no way your fault and you are not damaged goods.
                              Orgasms. Get easier with practice. I too have to think intense thoughts to get me there no matter what my partner is doing...I'm a total pillow princess with my eyes tightly shut and my brow furrowed.
                              I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                              Comment


                              • hey yogabare,

                                It seems like you don't feel ready to be intimate w/ yogaguy, and that's okay, even if a few months of dating seem like a long time already. If you guys aren't at the point where you are comfortable to share your past, then maybe the trust isn't there yet, any pressure to have sex is never pleasant. Trust takes time and it's different for everyone, yourself at this point in your life, who the guy is, where he is in his life, etc..

                                It may be that you need a guy who can handle more emotional depth than usual (not saying yogaguy can't), but there's nothing wrong with expecting your partner to be able to be there for you. The pool of available guys may be a lot smaller with this 'requirement'.. otherwise, you'd just have to settle or find support outside the relationship.

                                Does yogaguy have any clue at all how deep this runs for you? Some of your physical symptoms may stem from this internal conflicts/stress that's going on. It may affect how you interact with him, and he in turn doesn't know what's going on but sense you're different.... sometimes it's all really subtle...

                                Anyway, hugs and hope you feel better..

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X