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  • It does make sense, though it's alien for me. Because I became sexualised at such a young age, I don't really know what's a normal linear sexual time line. I read that foetus' in the womb mastrabrate, so it would make me question whether the regression of a sex drive is psycho somatic too. Do you know if you had any bad experiences?

    That's a pity the Vitex isn't working for you like that now: maybe that was an initial phase of balancing, if that makes sense. Have you had your hormones checked lately?

    Here's another clanger from me... I've never orgasmed with a partner.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    • (I just realized why yoga guy is called yoga guy. I thought you met him in yoga class...or did you?)

      First, *cyber hug* figure you need a few today.


      I had a somewhat similar experience to you. My first serious bf in college took my virginity without my permission. It took me a long time to get over it but I did. Having a patient and loving guy helped. I would say much more detail but since I have been pretty careless about showing my face maybe that isn't a good idea....

      The point is: he is patient so that is a good sign. Chances are he would be patient in bed with you as well. It might help him if you share just a bit of your past to him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't get you. So no reason to spend time with him anyway. Also communicate your fear of him leaving you and gauge his response....



      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
      ------
      HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

      My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


      Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

      " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

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      • I haven't had my hormones checked in about a year. I may do that soon, but I want to make sure my periods are still on my usual schedule so I know when to check progesterone (one week before my period for when it should be highest).

        As far as I can recall, I had no traumatic events that lead to any of my libido problems. I wasn't sexually active at all until I was 17 and had sex for the first time when I was 18.
        Depression Lies

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        • I've just been reading some stuff about the correlation between sexual abuse and body hate. Cant believe that never occurred to me before... it's so obvious.

          Originally posted by turquoisepassion View Post
          (I just realized why yoga guy is called yoga guy. I thought you met him in yoga class...or did you?)

          First, *cyber hug* figure you need a few today.

          I had a somewhat similar experience to you. My first serious bf in college took my virginity without my permission. It took me a long time to get over it but I did. Having a patient and loving guy helped. I would say much more detail but since I have been pretty careless about showing my face maybe that isn't a good idea....

          The point is: he is patient so that is a good sign. Chances are he would be patient in bed with you as well. It might help him if you share just a bit of your past to him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't get you. So no reason to spend time with him anyway. Also communicate your fear of him leaving you and gauge his response....
          Thank you so much <3

          I'm so sorry that you went through something like that. I understand you not wanting to say more: Ive shared heavy things from the start on MDA, so I stayed anonymous. I'm even wishing I hadn't broadcast my nationalities so much. If you change your mind, please do share more.

          The thing is, there was one time that I told a guy I'd been raped, and he reacted really, really badly. We ended up having sex after that and it was a horrible experience. It was an entirely different situation, and I never should have told him, but it kind of set things up in my mind that no guy is going to want to know about my past. I did tell my last boyfriend about it, but he didn't react that well either Obviously I can't tell what men are thinking, but it feels like men are repulsed by something like this.

          So I don't really want to tell him, because I don't feel like it's fair to lay such a burden at his feet, but at the same time I'm too scared to actually have sex with him.

          Oh, and yes, he's called yoga guy cos I met him at the yoga studio! Not cos' he's the male equivalent of yoga bare

          Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
          I haven't had my hormones checked in about a year. I may do that soon, but I want to make sure my periods are still on my usual schedule so I know when to check progesterone (one week before my period for when it should be highest).

          As far as I can recall, I had no traumatic events that lead to any of my libido problems. I wasn't sexually active at all until I was 17 and had sex for the first time when I was 18.
          Well it seems like a lot of your symptoms are abating So maybe you're hormones are getting sorted too. I hope. <3
          "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

          In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

          - Ray Peat

          Comment


          • YogaBare--I'm sorry that you had all those bad experiences.

            Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
            The time is kind-of getting right. I still feel scared that he's going to leave me as soon as we have sex, and it's not helped by the manner in which we met (him having a gf). But the fears are shrinking as we spend more time together. We're getting closer, and he wants to see me more. And somehow, I think this is contributing to this big hormonal freak out I seem to be having.
            I think this is a distinct possibility. Never underestimate the power that the mind has on the body.

            I second turquoisepassion's suggestion that you talk to YG about it if you feel comfortable doing it. Talking through it with him may help you release whatever emotions are running amok in you that's driving your hormones crazy. (This may be especially helpful now since you can't afford to go to a therapist.)

            I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm inexperienced in these things and don't know how else to help.

            FWIW, I have very rarely been able to orgasm with a partner. For years and years, I was not able to do that. (By way of background, when I was younger, I hardly had any sex drive. Actually, I had almost none. I did not develop a sex drive until my 20s--around 23 or 24 maybe--and then it was low. It has increased with age though.) I have only ever orgasmed while having sex with two men, and with one of them it only happened once and was kind of a fluke. The other one is my current boyfriend, but it only happened when we first started dating (first few months). And then only if I fantasize about something else while we're having sex. Yeah, I'm weird. Sorry if this is TMI.

            One thing that you might try is this: Sacred Therapies: The Kundalini Yoga Meditation Handbook for Mental Health: David Shannahoff-Khalsa: 9780393707021: Amazon.com: Books (I can't believe it never occurred to me to recommend this book to you since you're a yogi and all!) A friend of mine swears by it; she said that she experiences immediate changes in her mood, anxiety, and energy levels after doing these meditations. I bought the book and tried it a few times, but I didn't experience any immediate changes so I stopped. (I'm like that--I'll try something but only for about three days, and then I give up. Hah!) Anyway, you might find it helpful.

            turquoise -- I'm sorry about what happened to you too.

            You girls are so strong.

            My journal

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            • Hey Yoga, I'm sending you hugs too

              As you know I already knew about some of those things that had happened to you, and I somehow assumed you were still not that intimate with yogaguy.
              You know, I kinda disagree with you about that those emotional fluctuations you are experiencing are result of hormonal imbalances alone. While I'm not disputing that hormones definitely play a role, and I know you have some problems with hormones, I think that emotions and feelings are driven predominantly by psychological and situational factors. Yeah, I know you disagree.
              Have you opened up yo YG about any of those things you describe here? Do you feel that comfortable with him yet?
              As to never have orgasmed with a partner, confession time -- neither have I. I think for me it's psychological, I don't want to lose control, if even only for a very short time. I don't know if that makes sense, cause I'm not a controlling type of person at all. Up to this day, I can't really make much sense of it all.
              I was never avoiding sex, though, despite of that. I used to find it really exciting, up to the point where I was supposed to see "explosions", which just never came (no pun intended). In part I was deriving some gratification from the fact that I was satisfying my partner. I used to be quite sexual from a very early age, and as you know I didn't lose my libido till only few years ago. Sorry, this came out a lot more personal than I intended.

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              • Originally posted by diene View Post
                YogaBare--I'm sorry that you had all those bad experiences.

                I think this is a distinct possibility. Never underestimate the power that the mind has on the body.

                I second turquoisepassion's suggestion that you talk to YG about it if you feel comfortable doing it. Talking through it with him may help you release whatever emotions are running amok in you that's driving your hormones crazy. (This may be especially helpful now since you can't afford to go to a therapist.)

                I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm inexperienced in these things and don't know how else to help.

                FWIW, I have very rarely been able to orgasm with a partner. For years and years, I was not able to do that. (By way of background, when I was younger, I hardly had any sex drive. Actually, I had almost none. I did not develop a sex drive until my 20s--around 23 or 24 maybe--and then it was low. It has increased with age though.) I have only ever orgasmed while having sex with two men, and with one of them it only happened once and was kind of a fluke. The other one is my current boyfriend, but it only happened when we first started dating (first few months). And then only if I fantasize about something else while we're having sex. Yeah, I'm weird. Sorry if this is TMI.

                One thing that you might try is this: Sacred Therapies: The Kundalini Yoga Meditation Handbook for Mental Health: David Shannahoff-Khalsa: 9780393707021: Amazon.com: Books (I can't believe it never occurred to me to recommend this book to you since you're a yogi and all!) A friend of mine swears by it; she said that she experiences immediate changes in her mood, anxiety, and energy levels after doing these meditations. I bought the book and tried it a few times, but I didn't experience any immediate changes so I stopped. (I'm like that--I'll try something but only for about three days, and then I give up. Hah!) Anyway, you might find it helpful.

                turquoise -- I'm sorry about what happened to you too.

                You girls are so strong.
                Thanks Di இڿڰڰۣஇ (desperately trying to find alternatives to <3 ) It means a lot to know you're there.

                I just shared in my post to Turquoise that I feel really scared about telling YG, because it's never worked out well before. I don't know if i've just been unlucky with the partners that I've told, but it's left me thinking that men are going to be turned off knowing that I'm damaged goods.

                There's no such thing as TMI in this journal I actually think I figured out the orgasm thing recently: I think it has to do with clenching your vaginal muscles. Obviously I'm not an expert, but i spoke to some people and got the impression that the orgasm was mostly generated by them, not the partner. I always thought you just lay back and let the guy bring you there (in oral anyway). Maybe that's why the fantasy thing works for you - cos' you're engaging more with the sex than you realise? Don't know if that makes sense!
                "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                - Ray Peat

                Comment


                • <3 thanks for sharing your story first of all, my heart aches for you dealing with all of that. I'm going to keep my thoughts on rape culture to myself and go right to some ideas about what may be going on with your body. It was mentioned before that your bad mood the other day was related to possibly losing weight and the release of cellular memory into the present. Knowing your past now it seems all the more plausible. Something, or a combination of things your are doing now has brought this issue to the foreground and your body is reacting violently to it. The swelling and weight gain you describe is a defense mechanism. Perhaps you were slimming down to a point where you needed more protection, coupled with getting closer to sex with yg, your body has perceived a threat.

                  Have you ever fully experienced your rage about these events? Has it been suppressed? Is it coming up now (skin probs)? Is there a way that you can feel comfortable really getting in touch with that anger and releasing it? Like actively searching for it in your body and letting it out? Screaming, hitting things, breaking things in a controlled type setting?

                  That's all I got. Plus, fuck the men that did that.

                  I wonder if the men that reacted badly when you told them were guilty of rape themselves? I can't understand the reactions at all.

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                  • And you are NOT damaged goods that's one of the most fucked up notions rape culture has to offer. Please let that go immediately!

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                    • You are one brave woman. First, I'm sorry you feel crummy.

                      Nameless said something so spot-on: "I guess I'm coming from a place of not really understanding my sex drive..." Although she wasn't talking from a violent or pressure-for-sex aspect, that's what frequently happens when pressure or violence is part of sex. It fractures your connection with what your sexuality is, alone and singular, w/o violence or pressure. Does that make sense?

                      Sounds like you've come full circle; you said No to commitment because what did you expect it would bring you? Well guess what. You said Yes to a wildly laughed at community (Primal) and then dared to question it's fit for you and went on to Peat and found some strength in that. And now. This. It's the next step, you can heal this for yourself.

                      Yes, I'm standing in front of you, wagging my finger and saying "you go girl, you can face this". And I 3x what turquoisepassion said; YG seems an understanding guy. And talking it thru will let you find out if he's capable of being there with you while you heal this. Because if sexuality is something you want in your life, then by all means continue to be the brave person you are.

                      For the record: if this comes off as bossy pants, I'm sorry! You've been generous with me YB and I want to stand up with you here. Because I've been there YB. I've seen boyfriends reactions when you tell them something that happened to you and they can't process it. When, years later, I had the epiphany that I wasn't passing the same crap done to me on to other people, that it was going to End With Me, then I moved on.

                      “you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.” Wavy Gravy

                      Today I am Fillyjonk. Tommorow I will be Snufkin.

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                      • Originally posted by moluv View Post
                        And you are NOT damaged goods that's one of the most fucked up notions rape culture has to offer. Please let that go immediately!
                        +++++++ 1 million +++++++

                        “you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.” Wavy Gravy

                        Today I am Fillyjonk. Tommorow I will be Snufkin.

                        Comment


                        • Hey baby, I'm going to move our private convo out here... I think maybe you need to let go of an idea that you can heal yourself on your own or heal yourself just by talking about things. Sometimes action is required. I would never mean to push you, but I'm pretty certain you've hit the jackpot with YG. I, like Turquoise, have experienced letting another man help to heal us in that department and there isn't any shame or weakness in doing so. Do you think that there is any chance that you are avoiding trying to get over your trauma? ETA and I don't mean because you're avoiding having sex with him, per se. Just to be clear.

                          As you know I've never been abused or assaulted, yet I still have difficulty letting someone else bring me to orgasm. I think it is due to an inability to let go or to allow someone else to make you so vulnerable, because it is not so difficult for me when I am intoxicated.... However, like the people you have spoken to have mentioned, I can pretty easily achieve it when I am helping. I...D...K.
                          Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

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                          • YG & Talking: I personally would take a chance and tell him what's up. While pretty much every guy I've told has responded in a protective fashion ("I'll kill that dude!") or just gave me a really big hug, I understand your fear of being judged. However, it IS a part of you, like it or not, so he needs to know or else you guys don't have a LT shot.

                            As for me...it was hard with that experience because I was such an innocent person before that. I had KISSED one guy before college. Haha. After that...well let's just say I went on a self-destructive cycle. Now I'm mostly over it but it is kind of hard to treat guys I date much differently than as if they are a good friend (with benefits). I don't like to depend on them and I don't expect them to stay around for long. This was exacerbated after finally trusting my ex of 3 years and then he broke my trust through manipulation, guilt tripping, over-possessiveness, and eventually (to "get back at me" for what he thought was infidelity but was just some dude following me on instagram wtf) cheated on me.

                            [eta: for the first year though, my ex was instrumental in helping me heal with respect to sex and my body image. There was a look in his eyes when he looked at me and my body I would never ever forget as long as I live. It wasn't of lust...or whatever. It was of wonderment....like he has never seen anything more beautiful. He really helped me come out of my shell and enjoy sex]

                            As for orgasms: yes clenching your muscles during sex increases the likelihood of orgasm. Practice clenching the spot right below where you clench if you need to pee but you need to find a bathroom (TMI? sorry). Angles matter way more than other factors when it comes to what the guy can be doing, and most girls find it easier to orgasm when they are on top because they have more control. Utimately oral is kind of the only "sure" way for me. I actually have a good sex drive but it takes the right person for this. With the right person I could actually have a way higher drive than the guy (!!). This is very rare though.


                            (OK WOW OVERSHARE THREAD YAY. HI MOM!)
                            Last edited by turquoisepassion; 10-03-2013, 11:42 AM.
                            ------
                            HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

                            My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


                            Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

                            " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

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                            • Originally posted by turquoisepassion View Post
                              As for me...it was hard with that experience because I was such an innocent person before that. I had KISSED one guy before college. Haha. After that...well let's just say I went on a self-destructive cycle. Now I'm mostly over it but it is kind of hard to treat guys I date much differently than as if they are a good friend (with benefits). I don't like to depend on them and I don't expect them to stay around for long. This was exacerbated after finally trusting my ex of 3 years and then he broke my trust through manipulation, guilt tripping, over-possessiveness, and eventually (to "get back at me" for what he thought was infidelity but was just some dude following me on instagram wtf) cheated on me.

                              [eta: for the first year though, my ex was instrumental in helping me heal with respect to sex and my body image. There was a look in his eyes when he looked at me and my body I would never ever forget as long as I live. It wasn't of lust...or whatever. It was of wonderment....like he has never seen anything more beautiful. He really helped me come out of my shell and enjoy sex]
                              I think we have very similar mindsets (and experiences), Turquoise. I can relate to both things in bold. I never really thought about it but the guy who helped me looked/looks at me the same way. i am not serious with him, however. We are merely very close friends. Like you said, I can't imagine feeling any differently.

                              (OK WOW OVERSHARE THREAD YAY. HI MOM!)
                              Haha oh dear...
                              Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

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                              • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                                I just shared in my post to Turquoise that I feel really scared about telling YG, because it's never worked out well before. I don't know if i've just been unlucky with the partners that I've told, but it's left me thinking that men are going to be turned off knowing that I'm damaged goods.
                                I understand your feeling scared to tell YG because of how other guys have reacted to that information in the past. But I also agree with moluv that you're obviously not damaged goods, and any man who thinks that you are because of what has happened to you in the past has issues and is not worth your time. I also agree with turquoise that if YG is worth your time, then he will not react poorly, and if he reacts poorly, then he's not worth your time. But I also understand why you would not want to tell him. You probably shouldn't force yourself to have that talk if you don't feel ready/comfortable doing it.

                                I think moluv's suggestion of finding a way to experience and release the rage is a good one. Maybe some boxing will help.

                                My journal

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