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  • It sounds like you two are in very separate places. Even in relationships it's all about location, location, location... Obviously you both feel a connection since you said it to each other outright, but only if he gets his shit together would it work out. He seems scattered.

    You are very cool in person and I think that can make others nervous, as counter-intuitive as that sounds. But he clearly felt it important to talk to you if he continued to stare at you for 10 seconds....

    You have settled on a very mature state of mind for the meantime. You are right, whatever will be will be. You can't be completely passive to get what you want, but there is harm done in being too aggressive.
    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

    Comment


    • Originally posted by ombat View Post
      It sounds like you two are in very separate places. Even in relationships it's all about location, location, location... Obviously you both feel a connection since you said it to each other outright, but only if he gets his shit together would it work out. He seems scattered.

      You are very cool in person and I think that can make others nervous, as counter-intuitive as that sounds. But he clearly felt it important to talk to you if he continued to stare at you for 10 seconds....
      Thanks Om. Yeah, I kind of gather that he doesn't want to take the opportunity, but also doesn't want to miss the opportunity. In a way, it's a weirdly diluted version of the long story with the Austrian guy. Interesting how we keep attracting similar situations.

      Thank you! And yeah, weirdly, I know that people feel a bit anxious around me. People (before they get to know me) think I'm really 'together'. I used to project that image a lot, even when it wasn't true. Now I do genuinely feel relaxed in people's company because I realised that most people have social anxiety, and that makes them less scary. I'm aware that I make people anxious but I'm not quite sure how to stop that. I've kind of relaxed about that too though: I used to bend over backwards trying to put people at ease, but you can't control how other people feel.

      You can't be completely passive to get what you want, but there is harm done in being too aggressive.
      Totally agree. I'm actually very focused and putting it out of my mind. And investing my attention into...

      HULA HOOPING!

      Trying to choose which one to buy.
      "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

      In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

      - Ray Peat

      Comment


      • So...it's somewhat difficult to analyze the situation without more information. But the first thing that jumped out at me was that this wasn't necessarily super negative. I mean, he clearly wants to be open and honest with you and to keep you apprised of the situation, which is always a good thing. The second thing that occurred to me is that he seems to be seeking validation from you that there is actually something romantic going on between you. ("I don't even know if you like me like that;" "I'm not sure where you think it's going.") He was happy when you said that you also felt a connection, but then the last thing you said to him was kinda ambiguous so maybe that confused him again. Maybe he wanted more validation from you that you are interested in having this progress romantically (as opposed to just being friends)? But not knowing what the interaction between you two is like and not knowing him at all, it's hard for me to further analyze this.

        I'm not sure if I've ever gone on three dates with a guy and not kissed...You said that you were a hair's breath from kissing--did you want to kiss? I'm trying to figure out if you've been sending him "don't kiss me" vibes or if he's just really timid. Or if he didn't want to make a move because he's really that confused about his ex.

        I don't know...Hopefully the guys would be able to give you more insight.

        My journal

        Comment


        • Do you think you'd hang with him again? I'd be interested if things ease up with his confusion out in the air, at least. Maybe you should just kiss him and see what happens .
          Depression Lies

          Comment


          • Originally posted by diene View Post
            So...it's somewhat difficult to analyze the situation without more information. But the first thing that jumped out at me was that this wasn't necessarily super negative. I mean, he clearly wants to be open and honest with you and to keep you apprised of the situation, which is always a good thing. The second thing that occurred to me is that he seems to be seeking validation from you that there is actually something romantic going on between you. ("I don't even know if you like me like that;" "I'm not sure where you think it's going.") He was happy when you said that you also felt a connection, but then the last thing you said to him was kinda ambiguous so maybe that confused him again. Maybe he wanted more validation from you that you are interested in having this progress romantically (as opposed to just being friends)? But not knowing what the interaction between you two is like and not knowing him at all, it's hard for me to further analyze this.

            I'm not sure if I've ever gone on three dates with a guy and not kissed...You said that you were a hair's breath from kissing--did you want to kiss? I'm trying to figure out if you've been sending him "don't kiss me" vibes or if he's just really timid. Or if he didn't want to make a move because he's really that confused about his ex.
            Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
            Do you think you'd hang with him again? I'd be interested if things ease up with his confusion out in the air, at least. Maybe you should just kiss him and see what happens .
            Thanks guys Yeah, I liked that he was so open with me. And he did seem to want validation, because even before "the conversation" he asked if I wanted to meet up again, and I said I was really enjoying hanging out with him, and he said he was glad. Then we had the loooooong hug. And... I definitely didn't give him a "don't kiss me vibe" We were both staring at each other with this "Will I make the move or won't I?" Then...(I left this part out), I stepped towards him and then he blurted out the stuff about the ex. (*YB hangs head in shame*)

            Yeah, I haven't been on three dates with someone and not kissed either! I thought that I needed to take it slowly, but I guess the pacing is more coming from him. I don't know if we'll hang out again. We left things kind of up in the air. Not sure if it's possible to hang out with someone when they feel conflicted about wanting to be with you?
            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

            - Ray Peat

            Comment


            • ~scratches head~

              I could be way off, but my interpretation is that he likes you very much, but he's not about to become emotionally invested. At least not yet, hence the " I just broke up with someone a few weeks ago, and it's still going on, and I'm really confused..." part.
              I think he'll most likely reach out to you again sometime soon. Well, what else is there to do except wait and see? I think your zen attitude is the right one!

              Comment


              • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                We were both staring at each other with this "Will I make the move or won't I?" Then...(I left this part out), I stepped towards him and then he blurted out the stuff about the ex. (*YB hangs head in shame*)
                I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of! He probably thought that he'd better tell you before you guys kissed cuz he obviously wanted to tell you (but was probably struggling to find the right moment to bring it up) and it would be kinda weird and maybe rude to tell you after you kiss.

                Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                Yeah, I haven't been on three dates with someone and not kissed either! I thought that I needed to take it slowly, but I guess the pacing is more coming from him. I don't know if we'll hang out again. We left things kind of up in the air. Not sure if it's possible to hang out with someone when they feel conflicted about wanting to be with you?
                Hmmm, I think it's possible to hang out with them, but only if you like them enough to think it's worth the trouble.

                My journal

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Graycat View Post
                  ~scratches head~

                  I could be way off, but my interpretation is that he likes you very much, but he's not about to become emotionally invested. At least not yet, hence the " I just broke up with someone a few weeks ago, and it's still going on, and I'm really confused..." part.
                  I think he'll most likely reach out to you again sometime soon. Well, what else is there to do except wait and see? I think your zen attitude is the right one!
                  Thanks Gray. Oh, the joys of being single But hey, it's a big world, and there are lots of amazing people in it

                  Originally posted by diene View Post
                  I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of! He probably thought that he'd better tell you before you guys kissed cuz he obviously wanted to tell you (but was probably struggling to find the right moment to bring it up) and it would be kinda weird and maybe rude to tell you after you kiss.

                  Hmmm, I think it's possible to hang out with them, but only if you like them enough to think it's worth the trouble.
                  Yeah, I do think he's a really decent, cool guy but... all-in-all, probably not right.

                  I don't think I mentioned that he's younger than me. He's 28 (I'm 31). I don't know if this matters at all... I tried to ignore it, but I've never gone on dates with anyone younger than me before!
                  "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                  In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                  - Ray Peat

                  Comment


                  • ...IMO, you've just got yourself a new guy friend, someone to have a coffee, watch a movie with. What you don't have is a love interest...hebs

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by hebsie View Post
                      ...IMO, you've just got yourself a new guy friend, someone to have a coffee, watch a movie with. What you don't have is a love interest...hebs
                      I think you're right. Thanks for the input Hebs!

                      Positivity Quotes

                      Just been loving some of these lately:

                      “I’ve always been the opposite of paranoid. I operate as if everyone is part of a plot to enhance my well-being.”
                      –Stan Dale

                      "My moto has always been LET IT BE! However, recently it's becoming LET IT GO!"

                      "You can't be unhappy when you fall in love with reality."

                      And, I posted this on Zach journal, but it's also my desktop wallpaper:

                      "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                      In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                      - Ray Peat

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                        Thanks Gray. Oh, the joys of being single But hey, it's a big world, and there are lots of amazing people in it



                        Yeah, I do think he's a really decent, cool guy but... all-in-all, probably not right.
                        Smart thinking, and so true. My experience with dating has always been that I'd really be into someone, like really into them till I'd wake up one day and all of a sudden realize I could care less if I never hear from that person ever again. LoL

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                          Thank you! And yeah, weirdly, I know that people feel a bit anxious around me. People (before they get to know me) think I'm really 'together'. I used to project that image a lot, even when it wasn't true. Now I do genuinely feel relaxed in people's company because I realised that most people have social anxiety, and that makes them less scary. I'm aware that I make people anxious but I'm not quite sure how to stop that. I've kind of relaxed about that too though: I used to bend over backwards trying to put people at ease, but you can't control how other people feel.
                          I can only assume that people are anxious around those with cool demeanors because they (you) are difficult to read and that makes others uneasy. Is she happy? Is she sad? Irritated? Unfazed? I don't know! I'm scared!

                          Ci, I'm unsure as to the validity of that article in terms of why a man may say they are not ready, but it is true that the less needy/clingy/controlling you seem, the more attractive you will be to him. I'm not advising you play games with him (that kind of behavior seriously bothers me) but if you back off and become somewhat aloof, there will be a better chance of something happening between you two. Probably.
                          Last edited by ombat; 08-07-2013, 11:50 AM.
                          Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Graycat View Post
                            Smart thinking, and so true. My experience with dating has always been that I'd really be into someone, like really into them till I'd wake up one day and all of a sudden realize I could care less if I never hear from that person ever again. LoL
                            LOL - you like the chase!

                            Originally posted by CiKi90
                            You know, I just recently read an article that explained exactly why people use the excuse, "I'm just not ready for a relationship for ______ reason." I'm not sure if this is true or applies to your situation, but I figured since I'd just read it, it was worth sharing.

                            Basically, the article explained that a man will tell a woman he's not ready to be emotionally invested in a relationship because they want to see how the female reacts to his needs, whether it's subconscious or he's testing the female on purpose. Usually, the woman will hear "I'm not ready" and then she gets this feeling like she wants to be with him even more, the whole forbidden fruit, we want what we can't have, etc. However, this display of neediness sometimes will come off as a female trying to control the fate of the relationship, and control the male in turn. So, if the female really wants to be in the relationship, the best thing for a woman to do is to cool off and accept the man's decision that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. This relaxed reaction to the "I'm not ready" speech often sends signals to the male saying that you're ready and wiling to accept his emotions and allow him room to breathe if he does want to start something more serious. Does that make sense? I don't know, I'm trying to paraphrase because now I can't find the article.
                            Originally posted by ombat View Post
                            Ci, I'm unsure as to the validity of that article in terms of why a man may say they are not ready, but it is true that the less needy/clingy/controlling you seem, the more attractive you will be to him. I'm not advising you play games with him (that kind of behavior seriously bothers me) but if you back off and become somewhat aloof, there will be a better chance of something happening between you two. Probably.
                            Ci, thanks so much for the insight! It would be nice if that was the case.

                            Om... honestly, I just want to forget about it for now. No "playing it cool". I'm putting this in a box. Maybe there'll be another chapter, maybe there won't, but this chapter is over. If anything was to happen, it would need to be a totally fresh start anyway, so the best thing to do is just.... let it go.

                            It smarts a little, and it will for a few days, but then I'll be fine. Stepping stones, blah-blahblah

                            I can only assume that people are anxious around those with cool demeanors because they (you) are difficult to read and that makes others uneasy. Is she happy? Is she sad? Irritated? Unfazed? I don't know! I'm scared!
                            Wow - that is such an interesting insight! I didn't know that I was hard to read.
                            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                            - Ray Peat

                            Comment


                            • YB - I think the right guy is waiting for you in CA.

                              My journal

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by diene View Post
                                YB - I think the right guy is waiting for you in CA.
                                LOL - so funny that you wrote this. Look at what I just wrote in your journal! (the last line).
                                "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                                In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                                - Ray Peat

                                Comment

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