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  • Fat girl on a farm.

    Hey folks,

    By a few suggestions I have decided to start my own journal. My time here at MDA has been interesting, confusing, enlightening and frustrating all at once!

    So, let's get started with a little background. In January 2012, I was laid off from my job, certainly sending my into a fierce tailspin. I would sit alone in my empty apartment, eat, and wait for my boyfriend to come home from work. Awesome! In March it became apparent my mother's health was only getting worse. She could no longer take care of herself or the house, so, I moved back down to their home. It sits in the middle of nowhere Iowa on a 40 acre plot. Boyfriend and I keep our relationship together via weekend visits *sigh*

    When I moved back down here, I fell in love with country life again (I was raised here, had horses and all the lot) and decided, "Hell, I'm going to start a farm!" Since then I have been gardening like a demon (for once in my life, I am naturally GOOD at something) milking cows and goats, chasing chickens and getting covered in dirt, hay, poop and other organic matter. In the spring/summer/fall, dirt under my nails is a constant. I'm used to it now

    But, let's take a moment to talk about my health. It is the same as so many stories around here. When I was just a wee baby, I started losing weight rapidly. My parents, scared to death of course, went to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. Turns out, it was due to the fact that I didn't like my mother's milk. So, I was essentially starving the first whole month of my life. Doctors have always suggested that is why I over eat obsessively, binge, whatever. Something in my mental make up was always telling me I NEEDED MORE. I knew it when I was a young girl. 8 or 9. Why do I feel this way?

    Speaking on nine years old, that's when my dad put me on my first diet. He lost 65 pounds (mom and dad are fat, fat, fat) doing atkins, so hey, his chubby daughter needed to do it too. That started the cycle that never ended. Don't get me wrong, my parents showed me the best of love, but I grew up hearing, "you're so pretty, when you get your weight under control boys will love you." I distinctly remember a day when I was 11. I outgrew a pair of pants. My mother was so upset she dragged me into the bathroom, made me strip my clothes and get on the scale. I actually got grounded for being fat. Ha. Now, here's my little rant. I wasn't raise to choose apples over candy bars. I wasn't raised to choose taking a walk over playing a board game or reading a book. I grew up with my parents offering cookies, candy, ice cream and bread. Then, suddenly, when they realized what was happening, it was my fault.

    Anyway, I'm 22 years old now. I believe I have been on a diet every single year of my life since I was nine. Only to hit the wall after a month a BINGE like their was no tomorrow for months until I got angry at myself again.

    In summer 2012, I started noticing something was wrong. I began getting excrutiating headaches that would put me to bed the rest of the day. I quickly did some research and found gluten intolerance to be the possible threat. So, I quit eating gluten and the headaches disappeared. Cool! Well, once they were gone for awhile, I starting eating the crap again until this January when things started to get worse. This time I was getting stomach cramps, bloat, diarrhea, rashes along with the headaches. I KNEW I had to stop. So, I did. But I didn't know what to eat. That's how I found primal. So, I started February first, and I don't intend to go back. I have a lot of weight to lose. I don't know how much, though. I've never been a healthy weight, so I couldn't tell you what it looks/feels like. I didn't weigh the first week. I weighed in the first day of week two at 306. Today, after another whole week I weigh 298. I am 6ft tall and large framed. But, I'm fat.

    So, here's to me, the Fat girl on a farm. I am desperately searching for health and happiness.

    Peace and love to you,

    Hannah
    Last edited by Gladmorning; 02-14-2013, 06:04 PM.
    The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

  • #2
    Nice first post. I'm looking forward to following your blog- would love to hear more about the farm!
    High Weight: 225
    Weight at start of Primal: 189
    Current Weight: 174
    Goal Weight: 130

    Primal Start Date: 11/26/2012

    Comment


    • #3
      Peace and love to you, too, Hannah!

      Go right by the book and let your journal help keep you straight.
      I wish I lived on a farm; how cool is that!

      Comment


      • #4
        So glad you started a journal.

        I am so sorry about your upbringing

        Comment


        • #5
          Ok, let me clarify. I don't mean my first to come off as "woe as me, it's all their fault." It WAS their fault when I was a little kid. But, once I became an older girl into woman, it's all been my fault. For quite a few years I held on to it as an excuse. Always saying, "this is why I'm the fat girl, this is why I can't stop. This is why I can't stop eating." I take full responsibility for my actions for at least the past 8 years. There are some things that still haunt me. There are moments to this day when I am SO ANGRY at my parents for how the raised me concerning food.

          The farm is my life. In fact, my screen name, "gladmorning" is the name of my farm. It has made me a whole person again and is helping me to heal. This whole process is partially to heal. To forgive. Forgive myself and my parents.

          You will be hearing a lot about my farm. It's just about impossible for me to not talk about.

          Tonight I had to force myself to eat a salad with steak. I had only eaten 2 strips of bacon and two eggs at 1130. I'm ok with low calories, but under 500 for a day is crazy. My appetite is completely dead. In fact, my interest in food is dead. Once I got to eating the salad it tasted ok. I ate until I felt full, but my stomach never actually growled for food. I had a serious potato chip craving earlier today but fought it off.

          I hear my mother preheating the oven for a frozen pizza. I won't want it, but the smell always gets me. I grew up on frozen pizza.

          Peace and love,

          Hannah
          The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

          Comment


          • #6
            Yeah but once that stuff is ingrained in you it is extremely hard to change.
            I have things from my childhood, and 14 years ago, that cause me the odd issue now because it was so ingrained me.
            Its not your fault. You are working things out now, but it will be harder.

            Comment


            • #7
              Week Three

              This morning, like I shouldn't have, I got on the scale again. Fortunately for my emotions, it reflected another pound down to 297. At this point, staying off the scale is a bigger battle than staying out of the fridge. I was going to send this scale a packin' to my sister's house, by the rest of the house got angry about it. Not like they use it anyway.

              I should be better at tolerating fluctuations. At this point there is no way it can be fat. It's all water. Hell, I don't even know if I'm losing fat. I will say, for the first month of a severe dietary change, this is the slowest I have ever lost weight. Even last year when I did a low calorie diet, I took off 20lbs in the first three weeks. I am not going to weigh myself again until Wednesday.

              How will I have such will power you say? Well, I'm leaving to visit my boyfriend on saturday night. Not coming back until monday night and tuesday morning I have to be at work by 4 am, no time to get on a scale.

              Som, my boyfriend, (he's asian) and I have to go to a social event. My first restaurant encounter. Fortunately for me it's at a steak house. I figure I'll go ahead and have a potato to mix things up a bit. Give my metabolism and insulin a good smacking around. See how they like it.

              One issue of going away is who is going to take care of my animals. When I went into this last year dad said we were partners, and I could go away any time I want. WELL, whenever I do go away, all I hear is him complaining about it. Whatever. This is my one and only chance to take a weekend off before Ruby, of the goats in my picture has her kids and comes into milk. Yes, goat babies are called kids. How cute is that! She is due March 8th. Pearl, the other goat is due March 28th, and Annabelle, my old grumpy milk cow is due some time mid March early April. She'll be a surprise. I'll try to get pictures of all the babies. Once they come into milk, my life will be milking, cleaning milking equip, tending my 1/2 acre garden and working my part time Bakery job. More on that later.

              Peace and Love to you,

              H
              The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Gladmorning View Post
                Week Three

                This morning, like I shouldn't have, I got on the scale again. Fortunately for my emotions, it reflected another pound down to 297. At this point, staying off the scale is a bigger battle than staying out of the fridge. I was going to send this scale a packin' to my sister's house, by the rest of the house got angry about it. Not like they use it anyway.

                I should be better at tolerating fluctuations. At this point there is no way it can be fat. It's all water. Hell, I don't even know if I'm losing fat. I will say, for the first month of a severe dietary change, this is the slowest I have ever lost weight. Even last year when I did a low calorie diet, I took off 20lbs in the first three weeks. I am not going to weigh myself again until Wednesday.

                How will I have such will power you say? Well, I'm leaving to visit my boyfriend on saturday night. Not coming back until monday night and tuesday morning I have to be at work by 4 am, no time to get on a scale.

                Som, my boyfriend, (he's asian) and I have to go to a social event. My first restaurant encounter. Fortunately for me it's at a steak house. I figure I'll go ahead and have a potato to mix things up a bit. Give my metabolism and insulin a good smacking around. See how they like it.

                One issue of going away is who is going to take care of my animals. When I went into this last year dad said we were partners, and I could go away any time I want. WELL, whenever I do go away, all I hear is him complaining about it. Whatever. This is my one and only chance to take a weekend off before Ruby, of the goats in my picture has her kids and comes into milk. Yes, goat babies are called kids. How cute is that! She is due March 8th. Pearl, the other goat is due March 28th, and Annabelle, my old grumpy milk cow is due some time mid March early April. She'll be a surprise. I'll try to get pictures of all the babies. Once they come into milk, my life will be milking, cleaning milking equip, tending my 1/2 acre garden and working my part time Bakery job. More on that later.

                Peace and Love to you,

                H
                Don't forget that your weight can vary as much as 4 to 5 lbs a day because of water weight changes. Your body can be +/- 2 liters of fluid on any particular day.... so don't worry so much about the daily weight changes...

                Comment


                • #9
                  I wanted to add some pictures. Just to make things fun!

                  goatss.jpg These are my goofy goats, Ruby and pearl. They are impossible to take a picture of, as they are always trying to get snuggles and treats. Spoiled, would be a good word.

                  goofygoats.jpg lottie.jpg This little calf I am currently babysitting for the neighbor until spring breaks. She is just the sweetest little thing.

                  grumpyannabelle.jpg Annabelle, my grumpy milk cow

                  libbynsqueak.jpg My dogs, Libby the pitbull and Squeak the mutt.
                  The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    horseandguinea.jpg The most unusual of barnyard friends. These two are inseparable. The horse and the Guinea.

                    Leilanipriscilla.jpg My beloved sister Priscilla and her new baby girl (7weeks) Leilani. Her daddy is Samoan, and her name means "Heavenly"

                    Somhannah.jpg

                    Finally, this is Som and I in California last may. First time I ever saw the beach. This picture is deceiving. I am actually about 4 inches taller than he is.

                    Oh, and yes, I know about the water weight. It's one of my very bad habits. The need to weigh every single day. It's bad. I know.
                    The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I used to weigh everyday in he beginning. As long as you don't wig out by the number it is no big deal. Just keep going. Tracking can be helpful in some ways so write that number down if your gonna look at it.

                      Also, the food thing gets much easier over time. I can smell pizza and remember that I liked it, but I have no impulse to eat it or any baked goods any more. It is like my brain does not register it as food. I look at foods that cause me issues like poison.

                      Love the animal pics! And the cutie BF pic too!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks Mudflinger. I think he's pretty freakin' fantastic

                        Today's mission: EAT MORE. For these two weeks I have had two days at 1100-1200 calories. Um, no. This isn't right. Yeah, yeah, fat adapted, whatever. My instincts say it's wrong when my BMR is 2221 and my TDEE is something like 2800 or some shit like that. Why am I eating so little? Well, who the hell knows. I'm not hungry. I go to the kitchen, make a good serving of food, and eat about half before I am too full to take another bite. Right now it was two eggs, about 2 ounces of sirloin and two spears of asparagus with flax seeds sprinkled on top (I fit these in wherever I can to get more Omega 3, plus I like CRUNCH)

                        Got about half way through before the "full bell" was blaring. I am truly afraid this is going to hurt me in the long run. The ever looming "starvation mode" scares the bajeezus out of me. I'm afraid my body is going to shut down, weight loss is going to come to a screeching halt and I am going to fail. Again. So, I don't know what to do. I've never, in my entire history, EVER felt like I couldn't eat. Unless I was violently ill, the will to eat passed the full bell has always been apparent. What the hell is going on.

                        I keep seeing posts and articles about the danger of eating below one's BMR. Welp, I'm way freaking below. Now it's all about TDEE. When I think about eating the amount to equal 2000-2500 calories, I actually feel sick. I just don't know how to do it. Maybe my body will regulate after a few more weeks. I've never wished for my appetite to come back, but right now, I'm searching for it.
                        The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Don't stress about not being hungry. Just eat good real foods when hungry and you will not fail. You may be used to sugar cravings based hunger and now are adjusting to better, more nutritious food. Your body may start just dumping excess weight as a result. If you feel well and can do all that your farm requires then go with it!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            All of those pics are really great, I love the horse and guinea!!
                            You are a lovely young woman, Hannah, with gorgeous skin and teeth.
                            Som has a look of pride in his girlfriend

                            You will be amazed at your energy levels and positive moods if you'll stick with this way of eating/living.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thank you, Judy. That went straight to my core.

                              Through our two years together Som has seen me through three diets, numerous breakdowns and binge periods. Sometimes I wonder why he sticks around. He must actually love me

                              It's amazing! I told myself I was going to eat more, and I have. I ate the eggs at 8am, and at 11:15 I started to feel my weird hunger signal going off. My stomach rarely growls anymore. It gets this weird dull ache. I made a big ol' salad with romaine and spinach with 2.5 ounces of sirloin, cheese my own dressing and flax seeds again. I actually finished the sucker and I don't feel overly stuffed. Success. First time in a week I've been able to finish one.

                              I'll probably take a shangri-la style oil shot before I got to work this evening. I hate getting hungry at work, and that really works to hold it off.
                              The process is simple: Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

                              Comment

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