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Overcoming BED and EDNOS

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  • #91
    hang on in there and good luck
    When I'd had enough of the grain and starched based 'diabetic eating for health' diet (eating for health, my ass!) my weight was 242.5 lbs. On starting primal- 18th April 2013 weight : 238.1.
    27th July 2013. weight after 100 days 136.9 weight lost 101.2lb ; that's 105.6lbs since I stopped the 'diabetic eating for health'
    new journal


    • #92
      Hey Tina,

      I dropped into your thread last night and I found this beautiful, stunning message from Crush. All I can say is: wow.

      Originally posted by Crush View Post
      First I should let you know that this is my first ever post on this forum, though I have been a reader of this site for over two years now. I almost never participate in online discussions because they are generally not worth my time, no matter how much fun a good old-fashioned internet fight might be . But you, TinaJefferson, are very much worth my time. You are deep in the trenches fighting an extremely difficult but extraordinarily worthwhile fight, and I just wanted to offer you my heartfelt support and some advice based on my own experiences.

      Iím sure you donít want to hear this right now, but the absolute last thing you should be doing at this point is focusing on weight loss. You are attempting to break out of a powerful cycle in which you have been deeply entrenched for the past several months and with which you have struggled on some level for many years. Your body and mind have taken a severe beating, and more than anything else they need love, nourishment, and time to heal. A diet geared towards weight loss will not help you to achieve these goals and will potentially only aggravate your tendencies to binge and purge. Iím sure getting down to 160 pounds felt amazing and seemed to indicate that you finally had everything under control, but it obviously did not cure you of your problems or else you would not be where you are today. You do not have a weight problem; you have an eating disorder, and hitting a particular number on the scale is not the ultimate defining factor in determining success or failure in conquering this issue.

      I firmly believe that for most people the most important thing you can do to stop binging is to stop restricting. A diet geared towards weight loss is inherently restrictive. Fasting is most definitely restrictive. The urge to binge is both physiological and psychological, and restrictive behavior ignites that urge on both levels. Physiologically, you are making yourself really freaking hungry. If you donít eat enough food all day or week or month or year (and purging what you do eat is the same as not eating enough), then of course your body will be crying out for you to EAT ALL THE THINGS. You are not bad, weak, or unworthy for giving in to a basic bodily need. Psychologically, however, you feel like a terrible person, a failure at life.

      Restricting food often seems like a solution to ease this psychological pain, but it leads to even more issues. Firstly, promising yourself that you will restrict at some point in the future (tomorrow, next month, etc.) often tricks you in to giving yourself permission to continue to binge right now. You eat one thing off-plan and then tell yourself that you might as well keep on eating because you can make up for it by restricting/purging later. Or you tell yourself you have to keep eating right now because starting tomorrow (next weekend, next month) youíre going to be perfect and never eat like this again. Restricting both allows and forces you to see your eating behaviors in black and white, good and bad, with no gray areas. You can never be simply good enough. You must either be eating perfectly or be completely out of control.

      To choose not to restrict is not the same thing as choosing to eat uncontrollably. It means giving yourself permission to eat enough food every day to nourish yourself because you are worthy of that nourishment. You donít need to binge because you can eat as much as you want at each meal today, tomorrow, and forever; there is simply no need to cram everything in right now and then punish yourself for it later or to obsess about food. So please take the focus off of your weight and stop trying to diet. Easier said than done, I know. But if you ever want to be able to lose weight in a sane and healthy manner, or even just live day to day without the pain and destruction of a warzone in your mind, then you need to address your disordered habits head on and just let go of your weight for now.

      Your weight does not define who you are as a person. Being thin will not make everybody love you or fix all your problems, just as being fat will not make everybody reject you or keep you from improving your life in other ways. As a human being, you are inherently valuable and worthy of love, kindness, and attention, both from yourself and from others. The fact that you weigh more than you would like or that you have spent years of your life struggling with a vicious eating disorder does not in any way detract from your value as a person. Beaten down and bruised as you may be from your experiences, you are still here fighting, and that is a true sign of strength. I know that you can overcome this. You may always struggle with certain thoughts or behaviors on some level, but it will get much, much easier and it will no longer consume you. Ah, freedomÖ

      On a final note, I noticed that you discuss feelings of isolation. Escaping this isolation is extremely important to your recovery. As youíve probably noticed, eating disorders both fuel and are fueled by isolation. If you are alone with your eating disorder, then you are more easily able to engage in disordered behaviors without fearing the interference or judgment of others. This might lead you to choose to be alone rather than have anyone get between you and a binge or see you after you feel fat an bloated, and in this way eating disorders can push you to isolate yourself. On the other hand, when you feel alone and have no one to talk to, you might choose to soothe yourself by binging, in which case isolation is pushing you towards disordered eating behaviors. It is a vicious cycle, one from which you absolutely must escape. It might be extremely difficult at first, but you need to find ways to open your life and really connect with people who will have a positive influence on you. How many people in your life know what youíre going through? Can you reach out to any of them and rely on them more for support? If not, or if you need even more support or even just more friends to keep you focused on living instead of on eating/not eating, how can you find people to fill these roles in your life? What, if anything, is stopping you from finding this support?

      Anyhow, I know all this is extremely long-winded, but when I read your journal I just saw so much pain. I hope something in this novel that Iíve written will resonate with you or even just make today a little better. Best of luck to you!
      Crush, I want to thank you so much for writing that. I feel myself on the verge of relapse, and what you wrote touched me deeply. I threw out my measuring tape today. I'm not sure what I'm going to do next, but I want you to know how much this message meant to me. Thank you. <3
      "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

      In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

      - Ray Peat


      • #93
        11am- 2 hb eggs
        12:45pm- chicken and collard greens
        5:25pm- 2 hb eggs
        7:30pm- 1 bag green beans, 4-5 pork ribs, some roast cauliflower, about 4.5 oz chicken

        oof. I ate too much tonight. I feel uncomfortably full. BUT I worked out tonight, and it's been a full week since I've purged or restricted. So that's good, and I feel good about that.


        • #94
          Originally posted by YogaBare View Post

          Crush, I want to thank you so much for writing that. I feel myself on the verge of relapse, and what you wrote touched me deeply. I threw out my measuring tape today. I'm not sure what I'm going to do next, but I want you to know how much this message meant to me. Thank you. <3
          I second this. I've re-read this kind, thoughtful, smart, message countless times since Crush wrote it, and EVERY time, it's helped me. Her insight and advice have proven comforting and true.


          • #95
            10am- 2 hb eggs
            6:00pm- a bunch of hot wings

            I binged last night, and felt like shit all day today. I'm going to take my fish oil and go to bed really early. I broke a week of not purging, and I'm really disappointed in myself. When I'm less upset about it, I'm going to break down what happened and figure out why my thinking went so crazy.


            • #96
              11am- 2 hb eggs
              12:45pm- romaine salad with chicken and jalapenos
              7:30pm- carnitas salad from chipotle, 2 bags of romaine and 1 bag of salad greens
              9:05pm- 1 hb egg
              9:30pm- 3 small bowls of sauteed kale with mushrooms

              I'm hungry today because of the binge the other day. Filling my stomach with salad. I know it will get better in a few days, and I'm going to revisit the protein shake plan this weekend. I weigh 184 today. I hate the back and forth, but realize that it's not 'true' weight gain. I'm cooking up some kale. I have a doctor's appointment and tried to plan some fun stuff this weekend. I'm feeling really ashamed and upset about my behavior, but I am going to focus on making the best choice next, feeling good, and moving on.

              Some food for thought:

              Email from a Reader: How to Avoid Binge Eating | Can You Stay For Dinner?
              Last edited by TinaJefferson; 07-25-2013, 06:59 PM.


              • #97
                9am- 2 hb eggs
                12:45- romaine salad with chicken and jalapenos
                5:00- bag of beef jerky
                7:00-chipotle carnitas salad, 2 bags romaine salad, 1 bag shredded cabbage, 1 bag broccoli slaw, 1/2 onion

                I went to the gym for a short workout, and I feel better. I am a bit at loose ends tonight and wanted to drink so badly, but I didn't. I'm heading to bed super early to read and (hopefully) sleep well. I've planned a trip to the gym, a long walk, and a bunch of chores for tomorrow. Gross, I know, but I don't want to drink, and all friend stuff would involve boozing.

                I was heartened and happy by someone in a similar situation reaching out. It was a nice, grounding surprise.


                • #98
                  It was great to wake up today, nice and early and well rested, without even a HINT of a hangover. It's been a while...and it felt good! I have a schedule for the day, and my emergency coping plan is at the ready. Nothing fun planned, but being productive and good to myself will make me feel really balanced and proud of myself. ANYWAYS. This will be a rather tedious journal today...but it's for ME and I'll update as the day progresses.

                  8:30am- ate 1 hard boiled egg, took out the trash/recycling, cleaned the litterbox
                  9:15am- Body Power weight lifting class. RAWR!
                  11:00am- walked to the ATM, then the farmer's market. Bought 2 gorgeous bunches of organic kale and a dozen pastured eggs. Walked to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription (prozac ftw!!!) and some cleaning supplies.
                  2:38pm update- Lots of water and black coffee while I start in on the chores. I've planned to do protein shakes today to break up the binging cycle, but am feeling rather peppy and not hungry, so I'm just going to wait it out and see how I feel. I'd anticipated eating an actual meal post-gym, but heading right out to run errands pushed that off.
                  5:30pm- protein shake. I really feel as though I could skip it, I'm not hungry, but I feel like I should have something. I'm not hungry and didn't have any stomach upset after taking my vitamins/meds on an empty stomach. Hrm. This may be a first for me. I'm an eater, to the max. Obvs.
                  7:20pm- protein shake. Heading out for a walk. I have cabin fever. GOD I wish I could go for a drive.
                  8:00pm- 12 eggs whites scrambled with jalapenos and hot sauce, 2 cans tuna, 1 hard boiled egg, sauteed kale and mushrooms.
                  10:45pm-bag of green beans
                  Last edited by TinaJefferson; 07-27-2013, 07:55 PM. Reason: What I'm eating/doing/feeling ;P


                  • #99
                    8:30am- 1 hard boiled egg, pre-gym.
                    9:00am- Spin class. I feel so amazing after this class.
                    1:00pm- 4 eggs, 4 whites, scrambled in butter with some salsa, can of tuna

                    The plan for the day is scrambled eggs and kombucha for lunch, and dinner out. Likely salad.
                    Last edited by TinaJefferson; 07-28-2013, 10:32 AM. Reason: fooood


                    • 7:30am- 2 eggs scrambled in butter
                      12:45pm- romaine and mixed green salad with chicken and banana peppers
                      7:45pm- chipotle carnitas salad with fajita veggies over a bag of romaine

                      Weight: 181.5lbs

                      Resolutions for August:
                      - no eating in the car
                      -no trips to cvs or walgreens
                      -no fake sweeteners
                      - no booze


                      • 9:45am- 2 hard boiled eggs
                        12:45pm- chorizo sausage and sauteed kale, 2 hard boiled eggs
                        5:30pm- 2 hard boiled eggs (a theme has developed.....)
                        7:30pm- chipotle carnitas salad, bag of romaine lettuce
                        9:30ish- some roasted broccoli as I packed lunch

                        I'll probably have some roasted broccoli later. I was hungry today. I try not to snack when I'm 'restricting', but I am not going to do that anymore. I was hungry before the gym, so I had a snack that was full of good fat and protein. Though it was a little monotonous, I'm really glad I let myself have it, because I felt sated and better, and I think it helped me feel a bit more 'even' when I got home. I have some goals for this month, and the big one is to not let myself romanticize the sheer pleasure of the binge. I don't know if that makes sense to a person who can't personally identify with the 'joy' of eating all of the food, at once, till sickness.


                        • 9am- 2 hard boiled eggs
                          11am- 2 hard boiled eggs
                          12:45pm- large romaine salad with chicken, chopped peppers, jalapenos, and a little broccoli salad
                          5:30pm- small pack of beef jerky
                          7:45pm- chipotle carnitas salad, bag of romaine
                          8:30pm-1/2 red pepper, 1/2 yellow pepper
                          9:00pm- bag of green beans
                          Last edited by TinaJefferson; 08-06-2013, 06:22 PM.


                          • 7:30am- 3 eggs scrambled in butter
                            11am- 2 hard boiled eggs
                            12:45pm- large romaine salad with chicken, jalapenos, and chopped peppers
                            1:00pm- green apple
                            5:00pm- cashews and almonds (a whole least a cup)
                            7:00ish- dinner at a friends house. I had 2pieces of ham, 3/4 cup curried cauliflower/potato stuff, a mixed green salad and balsamic dressing (my totes paleo contribution!), 1 spoonful of rice, chopped strawberries in sparkling apple juice, a small squirt of whipped cream, 1 tiny square of chocolate
                            11:00pm- 1 hard boiled egg, 2 scrambled eggs and 2 egg whites, in butter, a bunch of stevia....

                            Tonight I had no control over what was being served. It was also an emotional closure of sorts; a relationship where I have put an unhealthy amount of energy has ended, due to distance and circumstance. Which is good, ultimately. And I recognize that this was a time when I would have used food to soothe myself, but I didn't, not in the way I would have "liked" to.

                            It's such a process, and I've changed so much since I was in the super restrictive mindset I was 8 months ago. I prefer that prison,obvs, because I was thin and miserable, instead of fat and guilty. It's so wacky, this shift in mindset. I have goals for the week, and now that this shitty dude (fixatiojn?! ugh...) is completely out of sight/mind/consciousness, I have no excuse/rational for "bad" behavior.

                            Please excuse my syntax.


                            • well done for reaching this point
                              When I'd had enough of the grain and starched based 'diabetic eating for health' diet (eating for health, my ass!) my weight was 242.5 lbs. On starting primal- 18th April 2013 weight : 238.1.
                              27th July 2013. weight after 100 days 136.9 weight lost 101.2lb ; that's 105.6lbs since I stopped the 'diabetic eating for health'
                              new journal


                              • 9am- 1 hb egg
                                12pm- 3 eggs scrambled in 1/2 T butter
                                12:45pm- 6 pieces bacon
                                1:30pm- 2 large bunches of kale chips. yum.
                                2pm-6pmish- 2 pork chops, a few hardboiled eggs, 1 small bag of shrimp, cooked in butter, 2 cheese sticks
                                8:00pm- burger patty with provolone and roasted mushrooms and onions, truffle mayo, a few sweet potato fries and 3 sips of a chocolate shake.

                                I drank a ton of booze Saturday night, but didn't binge or purge at all. So hooray? Let's say hooray. Also, maybe TMI, but I threw away my trusted purging helper, and I am determined not to buy another one.
                                Last edited by TinaJefferson; 08-11-2013, 09:22 AM.