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  • #46
    1:00pm- romaine salad with jalapenos and grilled chicken
    8:00pm- romaine salad, pack of tuna

    coffee, tea, water

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    • #47
      How have you been doing lately?

      It sounds like you were getting to a really good place a couple weeks ago. I love the emphasis you put on having fun (and congrats on an awesome hookup! – isn’t it amazing how harsh we can be on ourselves when no one else sees us that way?) I just turned 28, too, and I know all too well what it’s like to let stupid thoughts stand in the way of getting out and enjoying life. If you happen to have visited Hawaii in the past couple of years and seen some girl walking around in a sweatshirt in 85 degree weather at the beach…that might have been me .

      I hope things are going okay.

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      • #48
        Hi Crush,

        It's good to hear from you. Thanks for keeping up with me despite my less than regular posting as of late. I've had some super-shitty off the wagon days in May (6 to be exact), but my mood has been pretty good. It's weird how I can have an all out destructive binge/purge and feel physically terrible, but be pretty 'whatever' about it. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm sure I've gained some weight back, but I'm not weighing myself, and I'm trying to keep my head up.

        The quest for fun is the real deal these days. I need to make it THE priority. I just have to figure out what that means without getting drunk. :P It's difficult to implement actual fun plans or keep stupid thoughts from ruining things. But it's now or never, right?

        Do you live in Hawaii, or were you just sweating it out on a vacation?

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        • #49
          Originally posted by TinaJefferson View Post
          7am- 1 serving 2% greek yogurt, 1 hard boiled egg
          12:45pm- 1 spicy sausage, roasted zucchini
          5:30pm- 1 chicken leg quarter, 1 full wing, napa cabbage salad dressed with sesame oil
          6:15pm- 1 hard boiled egg, 2 servings yogurt

          Eating breakfast didn't really make a difference at all in how I felt. It was tasty, and kept away any pangs of hunger before lunch, but overall, I was the same. I felt myself slipping into a binge around 6:30, but stopped. I was glad to recognize it and end it at 2 yogurts, not rationalize it away. I have to be better about letting my food settle before deciding to eat more. And no more yogurt. It's a teeny bit of a trigger food for me, and I need to take it easy on myself by calming my environment.
          I struggle with trigger foods too, but I don't know if it's all in my head or not?! Nuts, dried fruit or in fact anything sugary. Yesterday I had a smoothie with sugar in then spent the rest of the afternoon in a compulsive overeating sugar fest. Or did I just need the sugar. I wish I knew! Do you have other trigger foods? Do you think them more a psychological trigger or a physical one?

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          • #50
            "I struggle with trigger foods too, but I don't know if it's all in my head or not?! Nuts, dried fruit or in fact anything sugary. Yesterday I had a smoothie with sugar in then spent the rest of the afternoon in a compulsive overeating sugar fest. Or did I just need the sugar. I wish I knew! Do you have other trigger foods? Do you think them more a psychological trigger or a physical one?"
            Trigger foods are basically any "cheat foods", anything processed or sweet. As far as primal food goes, yogurt, dried fruit, real fruit, nuts...Honestly, i can binge on anything. I want to eat everything until I physically can't. That's how I know it's totally compulsive.

            I've thought about this genesis of binging as well, and I think it's sort of a feedback loop. The first episode, years ago, stemmed from very restricted eating, then it became a pattern of self-soothing. When I fell back into it with fervor this December, it was after being really strict with myself while dieting down for a party. I was the thinnest I've ever been, and after giving myself a 'cheat day', I went completely nuts. I haven't been able to climb out of it since.

            I bought a bunch of self-help books in January, and one of them, Brain Over Binge, describes this same cycle. The binges start from biological need, then simply become a habit. The author just stops binging by ignoring her impulses to binge. While I can't say that I've been able to implement her strategy for getting out of the habit effectively, her reasoning for how it becomes an ingrained behavior makes sense.
            Last edited by TinaJefferson; 05-14-2013, 05:34 PM.

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            • #51
              Sorry about those super-shitty days, but way to stay in the fight.

              Feeling “whatever” about your destructive moments is an interesting development. It could be a bad thing or a great thing, depending on how you react to that feeling and what it comes to mean to you. If it means that you’ve stopped caring that you’re beating the shit out of yourself with your behaviors, then “whatever” is probably not such a good thing. But if it means that you’re forgiving yourself for your “transgressions” and moving past them, then “whatever” could be a very good thing indeed. Letting go of the psychological pain over binging totally disrupts that feedback loop you talked about and gives you a chance to break free from the cycle.

              Be patient and forgive yourself when you screw up. And when you don’t think you deserve forgiveness, just think about it pragmatically: forgiving yourself and moving on is the fastest way forward, so you might as well just hurry up and do it regardless of how “deserving” you are.

              And get out there and have a shit-ton of fun! Just remember:

              Binging = a great way to get a short-term high and/or numb yourself and/or hurt yourself
              Purging= a great way to get a short-term high and/or numb yourself and/or hurt yourself
              Drinking= a great way to get a short-term high and/or numb yourself and/or hurt yourself

              So yeah, you’ve really got to get away from the booze. Especially since it sounds like you’ve been combining the three into some sort of unholy trinity of self-harm. I’m sure you’ll find other ways to have fun and connect with people.

              I’ve been living in Hawaii for the past couple of years, surrounded by gorgeous people with gorgeous bodies that are generally mostly naked and very tan. And then there’s me, with my ghostly pale skin (though two years and many sunburns later, I have what could possibly be considered almost a tan) and my habit of sometimes hiding away in a sweatshirt of insecurity regardless of how ridiculous the temperature makes me look. My sweatshirts and I go waaay back, and we just can’t seem to break up for good. They're just too great at hiding imaginary flaws. So I’m working on letting go and having more fun, too. So what if people are blinded by the reflection of the sun off my pale white ass, right?

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              • #52
                b- protein shake
                l- giant romaine salad with chicken, green peppers, banana peppers, dressing
                s- 1 hard boiled egg
                d- 1 can tuna, bag salad mix, dressing, 1/2 spaghetti squash, 1 roasted eggplant, 1 hb egg

                coffee, water, 1 cup of tea

                I went to bed, couldn't sleep, got up and binged on the following:

                6 scrambled eggs, bag of frozen green beans, can of tuna with jalapenos, mustard, and a little mayo.

                Could have been worse, but luckily, I don't keep anything in the house. I've been sleeping poorly, and that's certainly not helping.
                Last edited by TinaJefferson; 05-24-2013, 03:59 AM. Reason: added binge details

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                • #53
                  Tina hi, I haven't really liked to comment on your struggle. I admire you for hanging in there, you have an indomitable spirit.On the days you're on track you actually aren't eating that much. It seems so punishing. Do you actually enjoy the foods you choose or do you choose them because they are healthy?
                  When I'd had enough of the grain and starched based 'diabetic eating for health' diet (eating for health, my ass!) my weight was 242.5 lbs. On starting primal- 18th April 2013 weight : 238.1.
                  27th July 2013. weight after 100 days 136.9 weight lost 101.2lb ; that's 105.6lbs since I stopped the 'diabetic eating for health'
                  new journal http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1264082

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                  • #54
                    b- 1 hb egg
                    l- large romaine salad with grilled chicken, peppers
                    s- 1 hb egg
                    d- salmon fillet, romaine and cabbage salad, lots of celery sticks with spicy mustard

                    way too much sugar free gum :P

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                    • #55
                      b- 1 hb egg
                      l- giant romaine salad
                      s- 2 hb eggs, serving green bens
                      d- chipotle carnitas salad, bag of romaine and cabbage
                      s- 2 hb eggs, bag of green beans, jalapenos
                      s- bag of salad with dressing

                      It's weird, because the post-dinner snacks were compulsive. But 'safe' foods, so I feel pretty okay. My calorie count is probably a bit high, but I did work out. So we'll see. I still feel very bloated and ill from a weekend off the rails with a friend. He's quite overweight, and I felt like the 'thin' one for a change. ugh.
                      Last edited by TinaJefferson; 05-31-2013, 03:16 AM.

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by CarbDodger View Post
                        Do you actually enjoy the foods you choose or do you choose them because they are healthy?
                        I do enjoy the foods I eat. I don't eat anything I have to force down. I try to keep things pretty rote and bland to keep from bingeing. You mention that it doesn't seem like much food, and that may be true. I usually clock in around 1,500 calories per day. One of the problems with bulimia is that you completely lose sight of what actual hunger is. Fullness and hunger are not normal sensations for me, as I've been ignoring both for so long. So because of that I do think about calories, though I really don't know how many I should be eating to lose weight. There is lots of conflicting information online, and I hesitate to see a dietitian or nutritionist because they'd would fight me on the paleo plan.

                        May was a shitty month. I had a really good time of it in April, with 6 binge days over the course of the whole month. May was pretty much all bingeing with little bursts of being on track. I want to have a binge free June. My birthday is at the end of the month and it's always stressful and anxiety producing for me, even when I'm not feeling so physically uncomfortable.

                        Exercise is key to my feeling good though. I have a new gym, new class schedule where I can go to something every day. So that's good.
                        Last edited by TinaJefferson; 05-30-2013, 09:14 PM.

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                        • #57
                          I understand the hunger/full angle myself - I've only just learned that myself.
                          My problems are different and i just wondered about enjoyment. I'm glad when you post, seeing people going on despite it being hard helps me when I get 'is it really worth' it? mind view
                          When I'd had enough of the grain and starched based 'diabetic eating for health' diet (eating for health, my ass!) my weight was 242.5 lbs. On starting primal- 18th April 2013 weight : 238.1.
                          27th July 2013. weight after 100 days 136.9 weight lost 101.2lb ; that's 105.6lbs since I stopped the 'diabetic eating for health'
                          new journal http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1264082

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Hey Tina, My heart goes out to you. I suffered from a pretty severe ED for 13 years, and your struggle reminds me of my own.

                            I'm actually pretty much cured now, and I did it by allowing myself to eat. For a full month I gorged on the most nutrient dense food I could. It's three months later, and I haven't binged once. This is coming from someone who used to binge six days a week.

                            Anyway, I documented the whole experience in my journal Please feel free to drop me a line if you decide to read it and it resonates with you.
                            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                            - Ray Peat

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                            • #59
                              11am- 'snack bowl' of chopped hb egg, some grilled chicken, pepperoni, banana peppers
                              12:45- roast chicken and broccoli
                              6- roast chicken, kale with bacon and onions
                              8- roast chicken and broccoli

                              Went for a walk in the woods tonight, around 2.5 miles. Very nice weather.

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                              • #60
                                Glad to see you're journalling again Tina - good for you!
                                "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                                In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                                - Ray Peat

                                Comment

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