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Figment of my own imagination

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  • Figment of my own imagination

    *** peaks in****


    It looks safe here. Maybe the evil CW wont find me. I've been locked up in their institution for a while. While trying to breakout, (elimination diet) I've learned that glutton is a no-no for me. Coconut and dairy products make me wheeze and congest me. Soy and I can not be best buds and it is in almost every process foods. CW keeps beckoning me back. The only thing they can trap me with is diet pepsi and chocolate. It's my achilles heel.

    For the month of December I'm going to get rid of diet pepsi. Instead I will drink seasonal tea. I tasted the gingerbread and candy canes one and the were good. Generally I don't like hot drinks. Not a coffee person and black and green teas I just add a sugar substitute and make them iced. I tried the gingerbread as iced and it was blah.

    Today for breakfast was bacon and eggs. I made extra and shared them with KC. He decided to make me feel guilty by looking at me while I ate. What he dosen't know was that I was onto him and already planned for him to get the leftovers. I think he is getting really spoiled he is eating his kibble less and less.

    My goals is to be healthy. I need to lose weight and when I finish typing, I will go and weigh myself. The last time was a couple of months ago and was at 240. I will only weigh once a week on Fridays before my personal torture (training) session at the gym. I will also put in more effort to make my lunch. If I do this CW will have less of pull on me. They of course had to put a checkers right in front of where I work and a host of other temptations. The only time I eat bread is when I eat out. It doesn't matter if I know it will make me feel icky, I just can't seem to eat the hamburger without the bun.

    I'm probabaly 75% primal. The times when I am not is mainly on my weekends. I am hoping that journaling will give me more motivation and accountability.

    ***I've got to hide, I think one of the CW policeman is coming. More later....****

  • #2

    Just missed that policeman. Jumped on the scale it read 235.2. Jumped off in fright. Now to run upstairs to see my personal torturor, Matt.


    • #3
      Pt, matt, decided that i got to do a first for me. Boxing tabota style. Anytime i can throw a punch at him is a win. Generally i just get to throw rpthings at him, occasionally.


      • #4
        For dinner Yesterday i had 2 pieces or roasted chicken. For bf i also had two pieces of chicken, with roasted potatoes, and mustard greens. A cup of herbal tea was included.

        I got to sleep in until 7 am. Though woke up breifly a couple of times. I've done most of the dishes and surfed the net.

        KC got a treat for bf. He got some cow heart (which i cooked like a steak and wasn't impressed) mixed with pureed chiken bone with broth. He chowed down and asked for more.

        I want my diet pepsi, but instead madw some ice tea.


        • #5
          lunch and dinner last night was chicken and potatoes. Went to bed at 8, probally didn't fall asleep until 9. Awake at 1 am. Early alarm was set at 2:45. Went for a awalk with KC about 2:30 for about an hour really didn't get to far because he's a sniffer and takes great pleasure in various smells. This really gets on my nerves because i just want to walk. I probally would've let him off leash if we could go to the park, but the sprinklers were on and i hate getting wet early in morning.

          Bf was 2 eggs and a couple of slices of sweet potato. I'm thinking of walking to work, i have to be there today at 5 am. But it is probally safer just to ride my bike. When i walk that early some coworkers get on my case stating that it is dangerous. It is nice and peaceful and today the weather is not to cold.


          • #6
            I was kiddnapped today. The person that has me is BJ (bad judgement).

            First when my alarm went off he hit snooze, which meant that i couldn't do my morning walk with KC. Also i wasn't able to make bf or lunch properly. So for bf i had taquitos with guacamole.
            BJ then escorted me to lunch (at knife point) and made me eat chicken, potatoe salad, hershey king size. When one of his cronnies laughed and offered me fig newtons he made me eat them.

            Then he pushed and held me down. BJ forced feed me a ham sandwhich, lays chips, ranch dressing, and another candy bar. I tried to resist. When i kept my mouth closed he held my nose shut until i opened it. Will someone please pay the ransom. Or let a superhero know that i'm being held captive. I hear him talking with his cronies and i am afraid. I think he works for the most feared crime family: SAD.


            • #7
              i haven't escaped from BJ yet. To make matters worse, my work wants us to either wear santa hats or reindeer ears in order to show our christmas spirit. They also would like us to wear bells. The big wigs are visting tomorrow to see if we are in compliant.

              I told them i would wear raindeer ears if i could also wear fangs and drool at the mouth. I want to be a rabid raindeer. They told me that is not the christmas spirit they're looking for.


              • #8
                Okay, I think i have finally shaken off BJ. Today for bf i had two slices of bacon, 2 eggs, and zucchini. I'm about to be tortured by my pt. For dinner I plan to have salmon and sweet potato and broccoli or zucchini.

                Some background: I'm in my 40's. Have been overweight since 12 or so. I know I have been my height 5'4" since then. At 13 my doctors wanted me to go on a 800 cal diet which didn't work because my mom thought I should have the ability to stop eating at that calorie set. Obviously the entire family was not joining the adventure and could still eat whatever. I learned to deal with stress by eating and for a long time closet eating.

                My relationship with food is if I like it I will eat all of it in one or two sittings. (Ex: If there are a few cookies around in the box and I know about it, even if I.m stuffed and will eat it until I'm sick. I have eaten a whole pizza and felt miserable. But if I didn't eat it then it would be nagging at me and always on my thoughts.) For this reason I do not buy food that has massive amounts of product in packaging. Like cookies, brownies, etc.

                As a child I did not exercise or play a lot. My parents thought and quite frequently did cause an asthma attack; and therfore trips to the hospital.

                I did not start exercising until about five years ago. I had to get a pt because I was overwhelmed with information and options. I still get overwhelmed that is why I have continued to use a pt. I like to swim but it is more relaxing for me than exercise. At that time I was over 270lbs and wore a 24 in clothes. Now I am down to an 18 in size. I don't have any external support to speak of.

                I believe my weight gain (other than no movement and stress eating) is due to allergies. When I was about 8 or so an allergist tested me. I was allergic to about 97 of the 100 allergens used. Yes there was enviromental factors including dogs, cats, trees, grass, dust, etc. There was also food allergies that my parents ignored. They saw no outward signs so figured that it was a false positive. I believe my body was always trying to fight the infection that I gained weight and was sick constantly. Things like milk, rice, wheat were positive. I wish I had the whole list. Right now I can not afford to get the test redone otherwise I would. So it is a slow emimnation for me.

                More rantng to be continued...


                • #9
                  i just watched "Letters to God", and was teary eyed throughout the movie. I hate crying throughout movies.


                  • #10

                    I just hate making breakfast plans or any plans with people, anf they don't bother letting you know soneway (text, call, or smoke signals) that they will be late or not make it. I know sometimes work has him stay a few minutes late and i could maybe 15min. How long does one wait then say screw it. By the way it's not like an emergency thing he works in retail

                    He just texted me and said he called out last night because he was sick, and if we could reschedule it next week. REALLy!!! ALMOST TWO HOURS AFTER?WHY DIDN'T HE LET ME KNOW LAST NIGHT WHEN HE KNEW!
                    Last edited by phigment; 12-08-2012, 06:56 AM.


                    • #11
                      I'm so dissapointed in myself today. After my rant of inconsiderate canceled appointment, i went and ate really bad. I had sub, candy, chips-n-dip, and lots of soda. I guess it was an anger binge. Now i just want to lay around in a comatose stupor. The weather matches my mood grey-n-gloomy. Right now i guess i'm feeling eeyorish.

                      I find it odd that i can identify most of my moods by blue animated characters. You know ones like eeyore, stitch, cookie monster, grumpy bear. Pretty much all the ones wth personality disorders and generally antisocial in nature.

                      Yes, i am antisocial. I'm also a task orientated not a perople orientated person. I find it very difficult to engage in small talk. I generally avoid people. It is weird because i work as a department manager at a major retail establishment. I hate when customers ask where products are located when they could just look and use a little common sense. Why would you ask a person in the food department where t v's are. Just look around and you probally could see them. Not hard to miss.

                      When i get off work and go home tto walk KC, i just don't want to leave the house again. It's like i have to recharge my batteries before i have to see and interact w/people. They drain me. I also do not have the gift of gabe. I dread talking to people (including family) on the phone. It really stresses me out.

                      I'm fairly sure if i was to disappear no one would notice. Not friends (there's only a few), not work, not church, and not people who are related to me. I'm almost invisable. i'm not saying this is bad, just sometimes i wish i could connect and be one of the guys. I'm not a follower nor a leader. Though i live in the midst of civilzation, i also live in the outskirts.

                      I think that is why i was upset this morning. I forced myself outside my comfort zone to interact and was forgotten.

                      Sorry for emotional ranting...


                      • #12
                        dinner was salmon wrapped in bacon with pkg'ed mashed potatoes. Feel icky... Blah...


                        • #13
                          Bf: bacon and eggs
                          Snack: rice krispie treats (vending machine)
                          Lunch: salmon, processed mashed potatoes, hershey with almond
                          Snack: bacon

                          Went to work at 5 until 2:15. Trying to get willpower to go to gym. Want to but don't...


                          • #14
                            weight: 234.6

                            The last two days i've had to work for 12 hours instead of 8. It was unexpected. trader joe's just opened up in my town, i plan to go and explore it and see how it compares to other stores that are already established hear.


                            • #15
                              Hi, I just found and read your journal, glad I found it before it gets too long! It's a big change, isn't it? We all have our ups and downs, and I have found that it really helps to have a community here to help out.

                              TJs is a great store, and you will find things you like and other things that are just meh. I don't find their produce to be anything special for the most part. I really like their spices, tea, coffee, dark chocolate, wine, nuts. Very good prices and outstanding selection on these things.
                              My Primal Journal:

                              "Freedom from fear" could be said to sum up the whole philosophy of human rights. - Dag Hammarskjold