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Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome

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  • Thanks for the support, y'all.
    I can now seemingly confirm the SAD: one original dose of Vit D and my mood bounced back almost immediately.
    Didn't find time to see a doc. I was busier than a 3 legged cat with diarrhea. On the upside, I may finally get my hands on the mystical "budget" they keep claiming I have. It'll be nice not to see a chunk of my paycheck go back to the ungrateful little wretches at the school because the storeroom is woefully understocked.
    Al Anon tonight was good, and about a topic I needed to hear: honesty. Not as in compulsive lying, but as in white lies and other lies to keep others feeling good, even if it really serves no purpose. Honesty as in being honest to yourself regarding how you really feel and what your real intentions are. Honesty enough to make sure you are acting in a way best suited to what YOU want/ need, not what someone else wants out of your mouth standing in for your own voice. Roped into that was perfectionism as a way to someone else happy, or perfectionism as a way of opting out pain that wouldn't actually be there.
    At any rate, after all that hustle and bustle, I'm finally home to relax. Redying my hair (because I found a new professional color and wanted to give it a shot,) and trying to relax.
    Geek seems to be in better shape. Far better shape, thankfully. I still think he's plotting ways out of the current situation (and I'm doing the same), but that scary depressed rage doesn't seem to be there anymore.
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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    • Something clicked overnight. If I don't treat myself better, I won't feel better. Treating myself better means being careful with my selftalk, means making sure I get enough sleep, and means walking that fine line between "I can't eat a goddamn thing, so EAT ALL THE THINGS" and "I can't eat a goddamn thing, so I won't eat ANYTHING that might possibly be contaminated." Treating myself better means taking care of myself emotionally and not beating myself up about kids who just don't care enough to pass. Treating myself better means taking care of my living environment and making sure I get all my meds and supplements on time. Mostly, treating myself better means not eating garbage or treating myself like garbage.
      Oddly enough, that click over came with a clarity regarding Al Anon. (Yep, more of that, that's what this paragraph is if you don't want to read it.) My Higher Power and I have a strange relationship. In the worst of my days, I'm telling everything to fuck off, including my deities. Even on my best days, it's a tacit "don't fuck with me and we're all good." Most days, I don't really acknowledge any deity in my day to day life. Al Anon encourages "Let go and Let God" and all this other spiritual crap. Most days, the closest I get to talking with a deity is closer to meditation and mantras. There's very rarely any God do this or God help me with that. The aforementioned clickover came when I realized my meditation, grounding, and mantras ARE my ways of talking to and walking with my god(dess)(e)(s). Every time I'm repeating (aloud or in my head) a mantra of "I can do this" or "patience is a virtue" or whatever other one I use, I'm really talking to the Great Divine. Strange feeling, that. It means that I've actually done the God part of Step 5 without realizing it. I may still do a rite one night to make it formal, but it's not critical to do so, like I thought it would be.
      I think I'm going to go thrifting and see if I can find some birthday gifts to me. Still feels strange to know it's coming up on Wednesday. I keep forgetting, even though I see the date every day, all day. It also feels strange to know I'll have had 29 revolutions around the sun by that time. I feel younger than that, and yet far older. It also feels like I've finally found where I belong, like I've finally gotten a nasty little puzzle piece I'd been trying to force into place to fit in where it belongs. Even on my worst depressive days, I still have good moments and happy rays of time. I've finally figured out who I am, where I belong, and I have an idea of where to go from here. I've been trying to figure all that out for far too long and it now just seems to fall into place.
      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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      • So, mostly back on track today. I say mostly because IT Guy ordered fried pickles for app with dinner and those are hard to pass up. Everything else was about as sulfite free as I can get in a restaurant: peanuts, caesar salad sans cretins, prime rib, raw horseradish, and a sweet potato with plain salted butter. Oh ,and a few grains of Geek's seasoned rice. Not thoroughly stuffed but definitely well fed. I even managed to bypass the rolls and cinnamon butter. I also had a bag of freeze dried apples and 2 pieces of Lindt dark chocolate truffles before dinner. I know the chocolate, dressing, parm, pickles, ranch dressing, and caesar dressing had sulfites in them, but apparently not enough total to trigger a reaction.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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        • Last night was hard, after IT Guy left. We ended up watching what turned out to be a semi triggering episode of Dexter (S2E1) and had a hard talk about insurance and jobs and what we needed. I was REALLY depressed by the time we went to bed. We came up with a temporary plan and a longer term possible plan.
          I think a part of the longer term plan is for me to go ahead and get my PE, as well as my teaching certificate. The PE in case it's possible to do freelance or contract work during the summers as an engineer, and the teaching license because I intend for that to be my main job.
          As of right now, in my own version of the Dave Ramsey program, I'm trying to get my baby emergency fund built back up and pay off the car. Once those two things happen (within a couple months of each other), I'll roll the car payment into my student loans and keep paying into the savings account. Once that happens, we'll roll that to pay off the house.
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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          • Lunch was peach poor man's rice pudding: peach jam, rice, cream, and a tetch of cinnamon. Yes, the peach jam was sulfite free and even primal friendly (not sugarless, though.)
            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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            • God, that sounds yummy. Now that I am doing PHD, I eat rice daily. Hmmmm.
              Primal since 9/24/2010
              "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

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              MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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              • Dinner was beer brats and chips. Kinda wish it was better food, but dinner with the in laws is always a challenge.

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                Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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                • Originally posted by naiadknight View Post
                  Dinner was beer brats and chips. Kinda wish it was better food, but dinner with the in laws is always a challenge.
                  sounds freaking good to me.

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                  • Tasted awesome, but not particularly low sulfite.
                    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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                    • I just started watching Dexter again, but I'm into season 7. I think it was season 5 that kind of sucked, but it definitely picks back up. Hulky and I are periodically having difficult chats about his job-seeking now and after graduation. Thank goodness for our tax return this year, it will be such a boost to our savings.

                      Your peach jam lunch sounds tasty
                      Depression Lies

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                      • Thanks for the comments on the rice pudding. It was one of those moments where I stopped and went "instead on sugar, maybe there's something better I can put in." I waffled between my bluberry jam and my peach jam and was happy with the peach.
                        I go to the dentist during lunch to figure out if I'm right about the TMJ. I'm torn between wanting to be right so I have an answer and wanting to be wrong so it's an easy fix.
                        I'm hurting today, mostly because it's a Monday (still can't get Geek to leave at a reasonable time and we had to stop by HEB to boot) and I couldn't resist the Chex mix yesterday, even knowing it was all kinds of bad.
                        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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                        • I would have liked the rice pudding with the blueberry jam. I miss rice pudding. Probably one of the best desserts next to cobbler.
                          Georgette

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                          • Well, damn. I was right about the TMJ. She all but said I have it and wanted to send me to an oral surgeon for a true diagnosis. Since that's prohibitively costly, we're going to do this the home remedy way: cutting inflammation, jaw exercises, a bruxism guard at night, and aleve if it gets bad.
                            The doc also tried to sell me on getting my wisdom teeth pulled, saying that while they weren't the cause, they sure don't help. I want to research the hell out of that before I opt to have pieces of my body removed.
                            On the upside, those 2 tiny cavities are now gone. So- so brushing, primal eating, and tooth oil for the win!
                            The kids behaved remarkably well today. Almost suspiciously well. I was getting twitchy toward the end of 6th period when I hadn't had any disciplinary corrections besides reminding folks to watch their language. Many of them actually worked on their review sheet for tomorrow's test.
                            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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                            • Dinner was madras curry and, yep, more rice pudding (blackberry this time.) I go through phases where I want rice pudding for every meal and phases where I want nothing to do with it. This looks like a rice pudding phase.
                              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                              My Latest Journal

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                              • I definitely grind my teeth at night. The mouthguard I got a little under a week ago already has scratches and a couple good gouges.
                                Today is a test day. I guess I can do some admin stuff and grade other periods test while they work.
                                Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                                My Latest Journal

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