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Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome

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  • Been a bit down today, as if the earlier post wasn't pretty damn indicative. Probably due to a couple weeks of not so great and downright pisspoor food choices.
    TRIGGER WARNING (child abuse and depression)
    I got to thinking about if I could even trust my own memories of being a kid and that maybe I wasn't abused and I'm just blowing it way out of proportion. Then I thought about the hallmarks of abused children that go beyond obvious bruises. I displayed all the signs as a kid except the physical markings.
    There was a turning point in 8th grade. I don't know what it was. This was the six weeks I failed science and math, and damn near failed history (squeaked by with a 70 and part of me believes that was by the grace of the teacher.) I don't know what it was. My handwritten journals don't tell me. It must have been really bad to make a straight A kid fail 2, nearly 3 classes. That seems to have been the snapping point from emotional abuse, neglect, and corporal punishment to severe emotional abuse,neglect, and physical abuse. My best guess is that was when CPS showed up.
    Neglect was a hallmark of my childhood, from both parents. We were physically care for; we got food, clothes, and shelter. But most days, it felt like we got no love.We could go weeks without touching our parents, even in passing. In bad times with the physical and emotional abuse, we hoped for no touch, because touch during those times was a guarantee you were about to be abused. It wasn't unusual to have 6 month or longer stints where the only touch we got was from friends and relatives. Hugs were a reward for doing something well. Kisses just didn't happen. I used to dream of my parents tucking me in.
    It was my duty to protect my sisters, both from outsiders and from Mom and Dad. My youngest sister has flat out said I was more of a mother to her than our mom. There's only a 7 year gap between us. By the time she arrived, I somewhat knew the ropes and warning signs, and finessed them over time. I managed to protect her, to give her a fair chance at not being as fucked up as I am. She made out the other side reasonably intact. I failed my middle sister. I wasn't able to protect her most of the time, either from my parents or the bullies at her school. I wasn't able to protect her from prison, although logically, that has nothing to do with me. I wasn't able to protect her from making bad decisions. I know that logically, her decisions are not anything I can control. But it was my JOB to protect her, and I failed.
    Emotional abuse was my mother's trademark. She was/ is a martyr and needs to world to know how she has suffered and what it has done to her. We all learned relatively early that the cardinal rule was not to upset either parent, but the rule to happiness was not to upset Mom. If you upset Mom, whatever she did was your fault. If she ran away, it was your fault. If she contemplated suicide, it was your fault. If she went on a Bingo spree and overdrew the bank account so there wasn't enough money to eat, it was your fault. If she broke down crying, not only was it your fault, but you got to hear how it was your fault and exactly how nothing in her life and nothing you could do could make her happy or be right. You didn't dare see her be anything but happy or out of it, because it generally was your fault and it wasn't a good sign. No kid should have to talk their parent out of suicide, let alone twice.
    The physical abuse was solely Dad's territory. It started as discipline and grew out of control in step with his drinking. The only "good" thing is that he never broke anything and he never left marks. You went home and hoped he decided to have red wine or a beer with dinner, because anything else and his mood plummeted, taking the chances for anyone to survive the evening without being hit with it. The punishments varied wildly; what we were punished for changed as often as a teenage girl's shirt. You never knew what was safe. You knew what never was (tears, major infractions), but there was nothing like "failure to do X gets a punishment of Y" that was consistent. I distinctly remember dropping a plastic cup of water one week and him tossing me the rag he was doing dishes with (no punishment, no yelling, just clean up the mess) and dropping a cup of milk a week later when I tripped over the cat and getting the belt for it. Sometimes, if we didn't clean the bedroom when ordered, we only lost tv privileges the next day. Another time, he went into a rage, and I ended up blocked the belt blows and spanking meant for all three of us by huddling over them (yes, I had bruises the next day.) Like I said, no consistency.
    /TRIGGER
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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    • Wow, reading with a clearer mind what I wrote yesterday was both saddening and inspiring. If I can move beyond that to working with kids for a living, I must be doing something right.
      Two things happened in the classroom yesterday, one I'm proud of, one I just consider interesting. I will note that the kids I teaching are by and large considered to be the bottom of the barrel: second year seniors and juniors, discipline cases, kids who failed regular physics, and those who truly struggle in school. I would say most of them are more intelligent and better kids than they are given credit for.
      I have one kid that has taken a shine to me and admitted as much yesterday, but also made the mistake of telling me he is "lazy" and has ADD. I told him how it's theorized that those with ADD would have been hunters in paleolithic days and that he could put his ADD to work for him using that theory. I ended up getting him to agree to give me his best, just to see what happens. I also gave him a (HEAVILY) edited version of my backstory as inspiration, which he seemed to love.
      The other story involves a kid I do not like in my third period. I know we're not supposed to admit that, but I loathe this kid. He lives to disrupt class and be a little jackass and for nothing more. On Friday, I was giving them a chance to do test corrections. This kid, who got 10/100 and is bombing my class, actually says "Since we both know I won't do this, can I go turn in my graduation packet?" I bit my tongue not to say "if you don't pass my class, you aren't walking anyways, so why bother?" Instead I sent him to his counselor, because I was under the impression he should still have been in ISS. I doubt he ever made it. I don't care either. My class runs so much more smoothly without him in it. I know we aren't supposed to say things like this, because every kid has potential, but I want this kid expelled or on permanent ISS. This kid has no potential until he changes his attitude and shuts his egotistical, cocky little mouth.
      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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      • Mondays suck. Especially when my beloved husband picks Sunday night,AFTER we get back from his parents at 2330, to want to watch something together and be cuddly. He knows I need more sleep than him and knows I must be up before him, but conveniently forgets that at times. Bah, we won't go there. This griping is mostly depression talking anyways, so I'm not even gonna speak with him about it until I get my mood in check.
        Not looking forward to dealing with the asshole in third period. What I will most likely do is draw up a referral with all except the time and date on it and keep it on hand. I'm certain he'll find a way for me to use it, but I will try not to look for an excuse to use it.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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        • Oh, fuck me, that was a BITCH of a bodyweight workout, mostly because my asthma REFUSED to cooperate. Had too use my rescue inhaler once and then quit at least once during most sets to try not to die of asthma attack. Don't even know how effective it is for exercise.
          10 Box Jumps or Ankle Jumps
          10 Dive Bombers
          10 Brazilian Crunch
          10 Air Squats
          10 Lateral Bound
          10 Frog Jumps
          10 Push-ups
          10 Scissor Kicks
          10 Lunge Twists
          10 Mountain Climbers
          10 Leg Raises
          10 Split Squat Jumps
          X1 (only 1 round)
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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          • I have a new lunch love: Ro-tel fish. That's about all that's in it. Pan fry fish in butter. When fish is half done, add a can of ro-tel. Wait for the fish to cook, pour into a bowl, devour.
            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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            • I need to get back on track. I'm reasonably on track, no less so that usual, but something still has me bogged down and clogged up (both sinus and the other end.) I'm hoping it's not this lingering gunk, because I REALLY don't want or have time to go to a doc for it. They'll just throw antibiotics at it anyways, and I doubt this is bacterial with as long as it's lasting.
              In other, far more significant news, it looks like Geek is going to start job hunting, which is nerve wracking for both of us. Long story very short, they're not making good on promises and treating him like dirt when he's the entire reason the company still exists and they know it/ acknowledge it.
              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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              • Neti pot & oregano oil time, perhaps?

                Good luck to both of you. I hope Geek can find something good or get the work situation resolved.

                BTW, I meant to ask you, would a basic chamomile tea & green tea make Kill Everything or is there something more specific about the two Tazo teas (Calm & Zen, was it?) that makes it so good for sinus clearing?
                Depression Lies

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                • It's not just sinus. It's a mild cough, "cold" lungs, and pretty my my entire respiratory system being clogged, as well as a mood dip (indicative of ick), and fatigue, with a fever that comes and goes.
                  Chamomile and green tea would work, although not as well. I never used Zen, I just used plain green tea. The chamomile is missing the mint, lemongrass, rose hips, and other antigunk stuff.
                  Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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                  • Still depressed. Wallowing in self pity. A bunch of "why me" blubbering. Even as a kid, the kid who professed cool meant not being able to think for yourself and cool wasn't cool, I still wanted to be normal. Not necessarily cool, but something other than the kid with the screwy home life, the Special sister, and more brains than sense. As I've got older, I've been able to add more and more to the list of abnormalities. In a phase like this, I ruminate on them. Mostly in a sense of "what kind of all loving god would allow this?"
                    I know part fo this is being sick and another part is bad diet, probably with a VERY (un)healthy dose of SAD. I guess back to the vit D tomorrow and see if it helps. I think if I'm not feeling back to normal physically in the morning, I'll call my allergy/ asthma doc and set up an appt.
                    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                    My Latest Journal

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                    • Stayed up far later than I should have trying to calm Geek and let him get it out of his system. He has a plan now, but the state he was/ is in scares the bejeebers out of me. I know that state, especially the not quite joking about pills, far too well. I'm hoping sleep pulls him up at least a little, but somewhat doubting it.
                      I think I'm gonna go see my doc today, about the possible TMJ (woke up with a painful jaw and ear even with the mouthguard in.) Must remember the vit D today, as well as the new asthma med.
                      I'm so tired. I just want to sleep and cry and not necessarily in that order. I know I'm depressed again. Let's hope vit D is enough to turn it around. We don't need two depressed people in the house.
                      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                      My Latest Journal

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                      • Oh honey, hope things get better soon. I know how hard it is to teach in a poor mental state.
                        Primal since 9/24/2010
                        "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

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                        MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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                        • [[hugs]]
                          Depression Lies

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                          • I hope you're both feeling better soon. Hugs to you both.
                            Primal since March 5, 2012
                            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                            • Sending you and Geek both hugs and good vibes.
                              Georgette

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                              • Add my hugs to the list too sweetie. Sending positive vibes out to you & geek.
                                Goal: Don't worry be happy!

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