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Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome

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  • Originally posted by marcadav View Post
    Pebbles, I encourage you to re-frame your experience with your legs. What constitutes damage, as you see it?

    I have CP. My left side looks and functions very differently than my right, yet I can't recall ever seeing/considering myself as damaged. Different and sometimes challenged, but not damaged.
    I mean damaged as in they will never be normal again as they once were. They are covered with huge varicose veins. I also have some ulcerations due to poor circulation. My right leg is always 1.5 times the size of my left. That probably bothers me the most because as I lose weight, I want to wear dresses. It is also noticeble onstage, so may cost me theater roles. I have great hope that paleo will make the rest of my body look normal, but not my legs.

    The reality is that my legs are messed up. I don't have to like them to like myself. It is really not that big of a deal, I was just chiming in on the body conversation.
    Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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    • Originally posted by Pebbles67 View Post
      I mean damaged as in they will never be normal again as they once were. They are covered with huge varicose veins. I also have some ulcerations due to poor circulation. My right leg is always 1.5 times the size of my left. That probably bothers me the most because as I lose weight, I want to wear dresses. It is also noticeble onstage, so may cost me theater roles. I have great hope that paleo will make the rest of my body look normal, but not my legs.

      The reality is that my legs are messed up. I don't have to like them to like myself. It is really not that big of a deal, I was just chiming in on the body conversation.
      I understand. My body has never been "normal".

      I don't wear dresses because I have no real need to. And dress shoes/anything open (slip-on) and/or with a heel is impossible for me to wear.

      I did wear this dress( NoeMie Women Cotton lace panel Dress - Polyvore ) when my son got married in September. I gave no thought to my bare arms and legs and the very real disparity in my calves, wrists, forearms. I did, however, worry about my twin tummy that can only be fixed with surgery I would never have.

      I do wear shorts in the summer and again give no thought to what others may be thinking/wondering. Proof that my issues don't show up on other people's radar is the response I get from others. Most are usually shocked to learn I have CP or ask if I've recently injured myself.

      I suspect others are so focused on your talent that what you fear is noticeable about your body doesn't even register for other people.

      We can be harder on ourselves than others ever dream of being.

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      • Originally posted by marcadav View Post
        We can be harder on ourselves than others ever dream of being.
        That last sentence really struck a chord. I'm learning,through my efforts to heal my criatura del noche, and from my past, that my expectations rarely match what is expected of me. No one expects me to get something absolutely perfect the first time. No one expects me to get it right and quicker than the person that's been doing it longer than I've been alive. Yet, I expect absolute perfection of myself, and to be ale to do it quicker than anyone else. This had led to procrastination (I can't fuck it up if I don't start it.) This had led to massive mistakes I had no right to make because I was trying to rush through it.
        There have been times I've been expected to produce better work, and quicker, than my experience indicates I should be able to; yet, I accepeted these impossibilites and held my tongue. There have been times I refused to ask questions because expected I should already know it, when quite clearly, I didn't know shit.
        I've learned, through my process, that these are reflections and refractions of fear, more specifically, fear of abandonment. You can't leave me or cut me out if I'm perfect, right? I've gotten smacked down time and again with regard to that false belief.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
        My Latest Journal

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        • I'm taking the Thrifter challenge this year. Anything I buy in terms of clothing (except underwear and bras) must come from a thrift or consignment store.
          Exceptions:
          1) Formal garb where my standard LBD or black pantsuit won't cut it.
          2) Possibly the sale at The Limited I have half off coupons for come Monday. I figure stacking that atop clearance prices might help me replace some of the slacks that are getting a little big without much damage. It's gotta be worth it, though.
          3)Underwear, because ew.
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
          My Latest Journal

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          • That is an awesome idea. I probably bought half of my clothes from the salvation army or goodwill last year. I have a feeling that new lower sizes will be necessary this year as well.
            Primal since 9/24/2010
            "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
            MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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            • [QUOTE
              I've learned, through my process, that these are reflections and refractions of fear, more specifically, fear of abandonment. You can't leave me or cut me out if I'm perfect, right? I've gotten smacked down time and again with regard to that false belief.[/QUOTE]

              There is an acronym about FEAR that I really like that helps me in times of need.
              Future
              Experiences
              Appearing
              Real

              I have found that if it is possible to stop oneself and think of this then it is possible to move forward
              link to my journal http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread97129.html

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              • jac- Mentor has mentioned that one before, as well as "future emotions appearing real." I need to remember my quotes more often.
                Slept like shit last night; kept waking up. Probably got all of 3 hours if I'm lucky. What a way to go back to work. Thankfully, it's a service day and I won't hafta deal with kids yet.
                Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                My Latest Journal

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                • Still going strong. I guess I didn't need as much sleep as I thought I did. Tea probably helped.
                  Got a freebie school shirt. Needs tailored across the boob, but I'll wait until it's washed to make sure. Took a faculty/ staff photo in it and am supposed to wear it Friday.
                  Lunch was madras curry. Dinner is in the crockpot, "roast" chicken. We'll have chile and salad with it. I may saute some veggies to go with it.
                  Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                  My Latest Journal

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                  • My first day back at work since Xmas today and I slept less than perfectly too! Must be work that is the problem prehapos I could eliminate that (in my dreams).
                    What is it about women's shirts I reckon they are made for flat chested women.
                    link to my journal http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread97129.html

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                    • Haha no way, shirts are made for someone with a B cup. My chest is too small for most shirts (at an A).
                      Depression Lies

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                      • Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                        Haha no way, shirts are made for someone with a B cup. My chest is too small for most shirts (at an A).
                        Ha ha. Us D+ would consider even a B to be 'flat-chested; (NOI)

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                        • I'm a DD and it was made for someone with either bigger tits or more side tit than I have. I think the issue is that it was a traditional unisex t-shirt, so it fit the shoulders and hips and not much else.
                          Lunch yesterday was ribroast salad with apples. Dinner was chicken alfredo made with chicke leftover from last night's bird. I put broccoli in it, not registering the whole sulfite thing. Between that and the dairy, I had to use my rescue inhaler about half an hour later.
                          Mentor and I had to shift our Wednesday meeting to yesterday. Made a few cross connections, pinned down when things really went to hell when I was a kid, and more talking. Also came to the not so starting conclusion that I avoid less desirable topics by latching onto other topics and running with them. I do eventually circle back to the topic, especially if I know it's why I'm there, but avoidance techniques? I got'em. Mentor also inadvertently pointed out that much of my family's politics are not only unhealthy, but very isolationist and blaming/ shaming.
                          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                          My Latest Journal

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                          • Hi naiadknight!
                            Sometimes you need to be told the truth in order to be able to see it.

                            My journal

                            I see grain people...

                            Exist in shadow, drifting away.

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                            • Hi sunny!
                              I'm back down to what I ws before the holiday madness. Oddly enough, my composition seems to have changed since the last time I weighed this much. Most of my work slacks are loose, dangerously loose in a few cases. I think I can officially say I wear a vanity size 0. I also can officially say I REALLY don't want to lose more weight. I'm already at a lower weight than I was through most of college.
                              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                              My Latest Journal

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                              • Lunch was jambalaya.
                                I'm trying another experiment today. I've been having trouble staying hydrated since starting teaching, as the mug I carried with me wasn't large enough to last 3 periods of talking and walking. So I swiched my larger thermos I used to use when I cycled far more often. It seems to work much better in terms of making sure I stay hydrated.
                                Dinner will likely be leftovers, either alfedo or more jambalaya. I'm still trying to figure out how to keep myself at a healthy weight without eating foods that cause inflammation. I know it's probably a simple matter of caloric intake vs expenditure, but I'm still trying to figure out how to eat what I should be eating. I highly doubt I eat 1800 cal between lunch and dinner, and I'm never hungry for breakfast.
                                Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                                My Latest Journal

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