Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Originally posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    I took some pics on Wednesday to mark the start of my Paleo journey. I will definitely be cutting my head out of those. It was painful to look at my damaged legs. I can't believe that I was brave enough to bare them in FL last week.
    At some point you just have to get past the ugly parts and get busy livin or busy dyin as they say. This self body image stuff is so interesting. Your leg comment caught me because I too have very damaged legs. I was burned when I was 19 over most of my body. Third degree burns requiring skin grafts and 6 weeks in isolation. I had to learn to wll again. I think about your full mirror exercise and remember the first time I could get up by myself and pulled back the gown to see my full body in the mirror. They found me on the floor in passed out and in physical shock from the realization that I was now covered in scars- a total freak. I was in my senior year of college and bought boots to match my interview suits because I needed to hide the scars. I can remember the first time going to a mall and thought everyone was staring at the freak ( no one could see the scars under my clothes and my face was not burned),

    I wear shorts and swim suits now. I find it funny that i often am more comfotable with my body then many younger gorgeous Moms i know ( we have a pool and most adults i know wont swim with us. WTF? ). Some people used to ask about my legs and I would tell them what happened and that would be the end of it. I finally realized that our scars show our wear and tear but not who or what we are. We often feel like our flaws glow with intensity when most people barely notice until we point it out. What people do notice is how we make them feel and what we do when we are with them

    Comment


    • I think the pain comes from knowing that the damage was caused by my own actions. Thank you for sharing your story. It certainly gives me a different perspective on this issue.
      Primal since 9/24/2010
      "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

      Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
      MFP username: MDAPebbles67

      Comment


      • I was burned by taking out 350 deg grease at a fast food place on a Friday night that should have been left to cool but Mgr was in a hurry. I could have refused but was reckless also. I can blame myself for not saying no. Most would say it was an awful accident -we did not realize the result of our actions until too late. I think you may say the same in your own case. A perspective to consider at least?

        If nothing else, we need to make peace with what is, forgive ourselves for being imperfect in all ways and move forward to what is better!

        Comment


        • I have scars over much of my body. Granted, most of them are well faded, but there are a few that are not. Most of them, I chalk up to human stupidity and lessons. I view them more as reminders than ugly. The one on my thumb reminds me to use the right tool for the right job (and go to the ER when I should.) The ones on my knees remind me to watch where I'm going and how I walk. The pencil lead in my hand and scars on my ankle reminds me not to take sharp things for granted. The list goes on.
          Yes, there are those that would see my scars as ugly. There are others who know a bit more of my back history and insist that my reasons are just coverups and my scars are from Dad. (Untrue. Those are not physical.) Fuck 'em both. I know my history. I see my scars as indicative of said history.
          Paula, your scars are from a battle you fought and WON. Yes, you may have "picked a fight," but you did not choose when or how you battled. It was a life and death battle and you won against the great equalizer. Wear you scars as the battle badges of honor they are and wear them proudly. If people ask, as people are prone to do, wear your badges with pride. If your story can save another life by causing them to THINK, then even better.
          Mud Flinger, your courage and wisdom are always helpful. I honestly believe you've taken the right path on your scars/ battle badges.
          I have come to peace with my physical body and even come to love most of it. My emotional self is a different piece. There are scars on top of scars, and few places left unscathed. It reminds me of the young women who have acid flung on them and survive: it ain't pretty, but it walks in beauty from sheer willpower and will to live. There are days where I have real trouble tolerating myself, emotionally. I'm always so afraid that those I love will find out how badly scarred and sore my soul is and leave me for it. I'm well aware that most of those scars are my body attempt to heal from ICU levels of mental and emotional level of damage. Hell, I'm just now finding out about a physical reaction that might be indicative of some serious hurt I never suspected (more about that in a second.) My soul will never be pretty in a conventional sense: there are just too freaking many scars. I can;however, quit hiding behind those scars and make them work, make them badges of honor as opposed to marks of shame.
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
          My Latest Journal

          Comment


          • TMI WARNING (Guys may want to stop here)
            For as long as I've had sex, entry has been painful. My first attempt to lose my virginity ended with me screaming in pain. Once I get going, things are fine. It's first entry and the time until that area loosens up that is painful. I thought it was normal. "Grit your teeth and think of England," that sort of thing. Even trying to put in a Softcup can be painful if I'm not careful.
            Internet research indicated vaginismus. It's an involuntary contraction of the PC muscles. There are women who have it so badly they can't have sex because their body won't allow penetration, no matter how much they want it. For some, it just is. It came with their body. For others, it comes as a subconscious way for the body to protect itself against sexual assault, because the woman has been raped or sexually abused. To my knowledge, I was never sexually abused. My hymen was still intact when I lost my virginity. I still can't shake a feeling of connection reading that, though. I blame it on empathy, although I do wonder at times.
            I wonder how much of it also has to do with my family's lack of physical contact. We just didn't touch each other. Hugs happened all of once or twice a week (although not from my parents), I don't recall my parents ever kissing us, and my mother rarely took our hand unless we were crossing the street (and I don't recall that happening very often.) Sex is so physically intimate that it's possible my body doesn't know what to do and goes into overload, shuts down. It was indicated that any and all contact could be construed as sexual, and that's why we don't do it. I dunno, I'm still puzzling that one out.
            In the meantime, I'm going to start doing Kegel exercises to be able to consciously control the PC muscles and be able to MAKE them relax.
            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
            My Latest Journal

            Comment


            • I think Hulky's ex had a similar problem (possibly with similar origins about intimacy in childhood). I think it's awesome that you're thinking about this and looking into things you can do to help yourself.
              Depression Lies

              Comment


              • Sex has never been much of an issue for me. For me, its body issue. I pray to God I'm not passing on my hatred of my body to my daughters. Thus far, I can tell they are seemingly happy with them, even my oldest who is on the bigger side. I try to hide my disdain for my body from them. It gets difficult when I go clothes shopping and they are with me and I get ticked off when I see that I look like total crap in clothes. I've tried to figure out ways to like my body, but I'm not sure its going to happen. Part of it is always looking so damn pregnant no matter what I do.
                Georgette

                Comment


                • NK, a gynaecologist once told me that many women have this problem. Apparently there is skin at the entry that can be removed to aid in entry! Not sure if that is a road you would like to go down but perhaps it is worth a conversation with a gynaecologist to look at your options.
                  link to my journal http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread97129.html

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by naiadknight View Post
                    I have scars over much of my body. Granted, most of them are well faded, but there are a few that are not. Most of them, I chalk up to human stupidity and lessons. I view them more as reminders than ugly. The one on my thumb reminds me to use the right tool for the right job (and go to the ER when I should.) The ones on my knees remind me to watch where I'm going and how I walk. The pencil lead in my hand and scars on my ankle reminds me not to take sharp things for granted. The list goes on.
                    Yes, there are those that would see my scars as ugly. There are others who know a bit more of my back history and insist that my reasons are just coverups and my scars are from Dad. (Untrue. Those are not physical.) Fuck 'em both. I know my history. I see my scars as indicative of said history.
                    Paula, your scars are from a battle you fought and WON. Yes, you may have "picked a fight," but you did not choose when or how you battled. It was a life and death battle and you won against the great equalizer. Wear you scars as the battle badges of honor they are and wear them proudly. If people ask, as people are prone to do, wear your badges with pride. If your story can save another life by causing them to THINK, then even better.
                    Mud Flinger, your courage and wisdom are always helpful. I honestly believe you've taken the right path on your scars/ battle badges.
                    I have come to peace with my physical body and even come to love most of it. My emotional self is a different piece. There are scars on top of scars, and few places left unscathed. It reminds me of the young women who have acid flung on them and survive: it ain't pretty, but it walks in beauty from sheer willpower and will to live. There are days where I have real trouble tolerating myself, emotionally. I'm always so afraid that those I love will find out how badly scarred and sore my soul is and leave me for it. I'm well aware that most of those scars are my body attempt to heal from ICU levels of mental and emotional level of damage. Hell, I'm just now finding out about a physical reaction that might be indicative of some serious hurt I never suspected (more about that in a second.) My soul will never be pretty in a conventional sense: there are just too freaking many scars. I can;however, quit hiding behind those scars and make them work, make them badges of honor as opposed to marks of shame.
                    Wow. This post totally resonates with me. You are so insightful in what much of this says and I love the paradigm shift the badges term implies as much is learned when things happen to us.

                    Comment


                    • You may be right on about the low physical contact growing up and touch=sex thing as an adult. I grew up the same way and feel that way now. I actually had to learn to hug people and that casual touch is okay when I was a teen since I was always so uncomfortable. I thought it was because touch is my " love language" ( from the book The Five Love Languages). I don't go for massages or spa treatments either for the same reason, but love my hubby's massages.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Pebbles67 View Post
                        I took some pics on Wednesday to mark the start of my Paleo journey. I will definitely be cutting my head out of those. It was painful to look at my damaged legs. I can't believe that I was brave enough to bare them in FL last week.
                        Pebbles, I encourage you to re-frame your experience with your legs. What constitutes damage, as you see it?

                        I have CP. My left side looks and functions very differently than my right, yet I can't recall ever seeing/considering myself as damaged. Different and sometimes challenged, but not damaged.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by jacmac View Post
                          NK, a gynaecologist once told me that many women have this problem. Apparently there is skin at the entry that can be removed to aid in entry! Not sure if that is a road you would like to go down but perhaps it is worth a conversation with a gynaecologist to look at your options.
                          I'd like to try the exercises first before getting a doc involved. I doubt it's excess skin, because a few strokes after he's in, there's no more pain. I may bring it up if I do go see a doc,though.

                          Originally posted by Mud Flinger View Post
                          Wow. This post totally resonates with me. You are so insightful in what much of this says and I love the paradigm shift the badges term implies as much is learned when things happen to us.
                          I'm glad it made sense outside my head and it helped. I'm trying to apply the badge v. scar shift on my psyche, which, at least for me, is infinitely more difficult that changing the way I look at my body. My body has never had the damage dealt it like my psyche has.
                          Originally posted by Mud Flinger View Post
                          You may be right on about the low physical contact growing up and touch=sex thing as an adult. I grew up the same way and feel that way now. I actually had to learn to hug people and that casual touch is okay when I was a teen since I was always so uncomfortable. I thought it was because touch is my " love language" ( from the book The Five Love Languages). I don't go for massages or spa treatments either for the same reason, but love my hubby's massages.
                          I'm still adapting to a more touchy feely world than what I grew up with. Geek's family really has helped, as they have a more physical relationship among themselves and, because I'm one of them now, me. I'm forcing myself to accept hugs from friends, Al- Anon members, and students, as a way to condition myself into it. I still can't stand the idea of a standard massage (nude) and the thought of anything beyond a pedicure scares the hell out of me. The only person I'm ok with that is Geek. Oddly enough, the students are helping me more than they realize or I'll ever say to them.
                          Originally posted by marcadav View Post
                          Pebbles, I encourage you to re-frame your experience with your legs. What constitutes damage, as you see it?

                          I have CP. My left side looks and functions very differently than my right, yet I can't recall ever seeing/considering myself as damaged. Different and sometimes challenged, but not damaged.
                          Paula, Marcadav has a very valid point: you're only damaged when you let yourself feel damaged.
                          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                          My Latest Journal

                          Comment


                          • Marcadav is so right! Since I was only 19 when I got burned, I had lots of learning to do about this. I finally realized it just is what it is. Look at nature. Full of flaws and beauty. Not shame, regret or expectations.

                            Comment


                            • Huh. The doc is telling me to quit my vitamin D supplementing. My level was 107 ng/ ml. I'll cut back on it, to a lower dose, but removing it altogether doesn't seem wise. I might go back down to 5K IU, rather than the 16K I've been taking.
                              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                              My Latest Journal

                              Comment


                              • ^Sounds like your system is sorting itself out if you were over-supplementing! 5k sounds smart to me.
                                Depression Lies

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X