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Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome

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  • Some of the things you have been working on have resonated deeply with me. Even though we do not come from the same circumstances, your journey has led me to think about why I act the way I do. Much of my "stuff" comes from my childhood and teen years, especially some of my more negative behaviors.

    You should do what works best for you. Just try not to leave us entirely.
    Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

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    • I'm not bailing on y'all, I promise. This is a safe zone for me, and there are too precious few of those for me to just up and abandon one.
      I think it'd be better for this thing to die a natural death, rather than a forced execution.
      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
      My Latest Journal

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      • I know I've mentioned my mother's suicide near attempts in the past. She was put/ went into into a psych ward at the hospital right after one of those. This is that story. *HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING* for those that would go read it.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
        My Latest Journal

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        • Parenting is hard. It's also very rewarding. There are moments that parents, especially moms need to get away or their own sanity's sake. I will never say that you or siblings caused your mom to try to commit suicide. I attempted it myself, and yes, it was a cry for help. Clint never knew nor do the girls. My kids would go to my oldest sisters house saying we had no food and that we had no money for them to buy lunches so she would give them money for lunch. In fact, we had food for lunches, but they didn't want to pack their lunches and found after that one try, they could play my sister for a fool. One of my other sisters told me about this and then she told me that my oldest sister was going to call CPS and have them taken away from me. The other sister told the oldest that her own kids used to do stuff like this and that my girls played the oldest sister. Just hearing that my oldest sister was going to try to take the girls away was enough for me to go nuts. I cried for 5 hours straight and sat in my car with the engine running in the garage for I'm not sure how long while my youngest niece played with girls. All I kept thinking of was "if she wants them bad enough, she can have them" and "I'm an awful parent that doesn't deserve to have kids". I'm really not sure what brought me out of it it took me months to get past the suicidal thoughts. I never went through therapy and never got on any meds. I barely talk to my oldest sister. We have recently started talking, but I'm not sure if I could trust her.
          Georgette

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          • I know, Geo. I'm not blaming either of my parents for needing alone time. Everyone needs that. I just wish they had found better outlets. I didn't really mind the bingo so much as it bugged me that my time to relax was unimportant or less necessary than hers, or that it just never crossed their mind that I might need time for me. I was never asked to babysit, Mom would just walk out the door with "I'm going to [x], see ya later."
            We had CPS called on us once, after my sister ran away to the neighbor's house. I don't remember if that was before the first near attempt, between them, or after the second. I'm leaving that one buried for now, but it wasn't pleasant.
            I'm sorry to hear about your sister, though. That's a low blow.
            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
            My Latest Journal

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            • Your parents chose outlets way to the extreme. Right now an outlet for me is taking a day off work to go see a movie by myself or get a mani/pedi. Something for me. Or I will sneak out and go grocery shopping by myself.
              Georgette

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              • You would be sorely missed...but I agree with Paula...you must do that which serves you best for your health...be it mental or physical.
                But if you decide to no longer keep a full blown journal at least pop in occasionally & say hi & let us know how you are doing. We care about you.

                (((Hugs)))
                Goal: Don't worry be happy!

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                • Thanks, pc.
                  I had one of my prescient dreams last night. For those unaware, there is a strong intuition/ psychic streak that follows down the female line on my mother's side of the family. I got the brunt of it in my generation. Much of it is intuition and little streaks of knowledge you shouldn't have. I also got some of the prescient abilities, like that Tarot cards and the dreams. I do not control when the dreams show up, nor what topic they choose to show me. They are lucid dreams, to an extent, but I can't seem to change the timeline of the dream.
                  I had such a dream right before I woke up just now. It wasn't a full nightmare, but I woke up crying in my sleep. I dreamt my Sponsor had died, and I was going to the funeral. I could easily point out to you on map where the funeral service was help, but it wasn't as it is now. Another church(?) had taken over that spot. I dreamt they spoke of her childhood, but there was a movie in my head. I think it mixed up her childhood and her college years, just based on an address that they spoke of. It showed her wandering about a forest in brown cords, a green shirt, and wild curly hair, slightly more reddish than it is as an adult, clutching 2 action figures and a dinosaur(?) She sat down to play beside a puddle that, from an overhead view, was easily discernible as a dinosaur footprint. The voiceover gave what I thought then was an intersection but I now think was a street name of some importance when she was in college, thanks to Google. It described lots similar to what Google maps shows for those streets. I dreamt I came out of that reverie and someone that was her, but not her, was sitting beside me. Whoever it was looked closely at me and said "She spoke often of you, and proudly, like you were another of her kids." Before I could ask anything, I woke up.
                  That's probably the most literal one I've had. Most have wrong details, or something off, kinda like a false island cartographers used to put in maps to catch plagiarizers. I think the false details are to keep me from being able to time stamp it. It's also extraordinarily rare for these to be something happening anytime soon, usually these are months to decades in the future. This one had the most (accurate?) details, but I also know it's one of the ones meant for far away, not tomorrow.
                  It was still twitchy enough that I had to contact her, just to be sure. Waiting to here back.
                  Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                  My Latest Journal

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                  • Today has sucked so far. I had to drop Geek off at the airport for round two in Houston. He hates it there. I hate it when he's there. I keep telling myself that I choose how I react and how well my day goes, but on so very little sleep, far less than I got even during finals in college, and without my rock here, making reasonable, sane, and happy choices becomes much more difficult. I should just go cry myself to sleep and sleep will make things and my mood better, but I've hit that point where I'm so tired I can't sleep.
                    Let the pity party begin, I guess.
                    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                    My Latest Journal

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                    • That sucks Naiad. I hope you manage to get some sleep and the time Geek is gone passes as quickly as it can.

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                      • I hate it when I'm like this. I hate myself when I'm a blubbering mess over something, especially when it's nothing I can fix that I whine over anyways. I hate myself for the useless tears. I know those sound harsh, but it's the truth. Tears fix NOTHING. Tears are weakness, tears are unnecessary and everything I try not to be. I hate myself when I can't be as strong as I think I am.
                        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                        My Latest Journal

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                        • That's a lot of hate over a few drops of water from your eyes. You are strong in a myriad of ways. What you have dealt with in life has proven that. So you cry every now and then, so what? Tears don't define you and you know that.

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                          • If you want to break it down, tears are helpful because of the natural pain killers that they hold. For whatever reason, our body is equipped to try and make us feel better when we feel shitty, emotionally or physically. That doesn't make it useless or weak, though probably not super effective .

                            What are your plans for today?
                            Depression Lies

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                            • Tears as a painkiller. I'd forgotten that the body releases endorphins with tears. I can be strong, even through the tears. I just miss him. It seems like the pain is worse when he's able to come back for just the weekend, like I'm able to get just a small dose before he has to go away again. It doesn't help knowing that he hates it there. I wanted to run and tackle him as he walked into the airport, keep him from going. I think I just need sleep.
                              I need to call the school district about the teaching position, and the headhunter about the possible position with the city. I need to call Home Repo about the windows we ordered a month ago. I should probably do something for myself, something to treat and soothe myself. I need to go to HEB for dinner makings. I'm hoping my unemployment money comes in today, so I can see how cheaply we can go to Dallas and still have it be relaxing. I should work more on Step 4, but not until I've calmed down more. To work on it now would have the opposite effect it's supposed to.
                              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                              My Latest Journal

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                              • I am sure sleep will help. Would you be able to lay down & rest/veg if not catch a few Zzzz's for a bit today?

                                My suggestion would be to keep busy as much as possible, but don't push yourself. You have plenty of time to get things done and no one will judge you poorly for taking care of yourself however you need to (def. think that you should treat yourself to something soothing ).
                                Depression Lies

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