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Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome

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  • Wow naiad! Thank you for posting that link...I've only read a little & will read more later...but it sure explains a lot as to my hubby's childhood.

    I am truly sorry you have such issues. Being a mother, my heart hurts for you...I just want to gather you up & just hug you till you squeal! (I'm a rather demonstrative person, can't help it.).

    (((((Hugs))))
    Goal: Don't worry be happy!

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    • Sorry for the emotional shitstorm, Naiad. Truly sorry. Here's a hug as I have zero advice or uplifting sentiment to share. I hope things blow over soon and you find your niche.

      Off to LinkedIn to find you. I hope you'll accept my connection request so I can endorse the living hell out of you.
      Primal since March 5, 2012
      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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      • THanks, PC.
        Jenn, I accepted the connection.
        I need to do some verbal spill in order to figure out how to CBT myself. TRIGGER WARNING
        Most of my childhood issues stem from fear. Fear of being hit. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being good enough for the attention I needed and deserved. How do I get around that fear and retrain it? By retraining my reactions. I may not be able to as yet control my subconscious reactions, the ones guiding the fear reactions, but I can overlay them. With each action, with each thought, there must be a premeditated replacement action or thought that is healthy.
        Below are the action, thought, or environmental trigger, my reaction, the healthy response, and a replacement reaction.
        A quickly raised hand- fear, flinching, adrenaline- no reaction- remind self that fear of being hit is no longer necessary, control breathing
        Raised voice- fear, adrenaline, desire to flee- pay closer attention- Raised voice is not necessarily indicative of inadequacy or failure and may not even be directed at self. Control breathing, resist urge to flee physically or emotionally.
        action to do- impulse for perfection, leading to procrastination so I can't fuck it up and attention to minute details not critical to overall job- do the job, put behind them- Create action list, from beginning to end of action, but only a rough list, not a perfect list. Start immediately. Remove sources of procrastination. Work through action, from top to bottom. Ask questions if unsure. Once action complete, double check and make corrections before declaring complete.
        Criticism and advice- fear of imperfection, fear of abandonment, anger that they dare (fear in disguise)- ???- Listen to criticism and advice. If not useful, discard. Control breathing. Concentrate on tone, not message to hear whether fear of imperfection is justified.
        Trust- mistrust, as all love in life has been yanked away before- innate- Start small. Examine fears of abandonment, hitting, imperfection leading to abandonment, and fear of misuse at length, in turn. Upon feelings of mistrust, identify and identify root fear. Put fear away, back in it's box, remind self that fear is unnecessary. Continue on with trust, even fake trust, until mistrust situation resolved.
        Showing emotion- fear of reciprocal action, as extreme emotions always earned abandonment or hitting- learns over time which emotions are acceptable to the general public, shows all emotions in private or around loved ones- allow self to feel emotion. Use context clues and surrounding people to determine allowable emotional status.
        Fear of having children- fear of inadequacy, failure, and abandonment, extreme fear of failure-???, but not the one I have- Adjust expectations. Talk with MIL more. Spend more time with Niece. "Children are resilient." "You are not your parents."
        I think most of my issues stem from fear of rejection and abandonment. Allowing myself to be and feel loved would go a long way to curing myself. Allowing myself to openly love, without embarrassment or fear of retribution would be a step as well.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
        My Latest Journal

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        • I think that was my next step. I got done writing it and had this sense of peace. Not necessarily calm, or serenity, but more of almost a sense of Divine approval and the Angels (or whatever guardian spirits there are) going "Yes, that's it. Keep going, we're behind you all the way!" I hope I get a job soon, but I want this CBT stuff to become a habit, job or no job.
          I succeeded at the hair salon. I finally got a hair cut that looks really good on me, and the stylist seemed to really want it right. I'd say she succeeded. Between that and the new red hair, I feel better about my appearance. My success at the hair salon wasn't just in getting my hair right. The lady tended to make a lot of sudden movements, which are not my friend. I was able to keep my calm and not get anxious over it. Partially through just keeping my eyes closed, but also by remembering the peace associated with my CBT decision.
          Dinner is chili verde de puerco (pork green pepper chili.) Still waiting on the crock pot, but it smells good!
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
          My Latest Journal

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          • Yay for fresh hair! (Would love to see it if you don't mind sharing )
            Depression Lies

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            • Here ya go, courtesy the bathroom mirror.
              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
              My Latest Journal

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              • Damn Naiaid. Looking awesome. (not that any of us are surprised.) Rocking the red.

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                • What Jon said!

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                  • Love it! You look fabulous.
                    Depression Lies

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                    • I agree with what everyone said...& I think you are adorable!! I'm proud of you for applying some of what you've learned. It's hard I'm sure, but like flying...just do baby steps! You go girl!!!
                      Goal: Don't worry be happy!

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                      • Awww.... Thanks, y'all! I hadn't tried this color red before, I usually stay with the cooler tones. I think this looks better on me than my natural ash blonde. At $8 (or less, coupon dependent) a box, I think I can swing staying this color.
                        The chile verde was good. Could've used a touch more salt, and a bright note (crock pot meals tend to need a last minute addition for that) and maybe some cumin. For my first time cooking pork EVER, I'm rather proud of it.
                        I had a few more CBT moments yesterday.
                        Geek was trying to describe something yesterday while we were gaming, and I started dying (and raging.) When I asked him to say it again after I was rezed, he said "never mind." Rather than allow myself to get angry and scared, I acknowledged the emotions,walked through the scenario again in my head, identified the healthy emotions, and put the fear away. It worked. Rather than gnawing on it for hours, I was able to let it go.
                        I had a bad case of the hyperventilating worries right before I fell asleep about the job situation. Controlled my breathing, acknowledged the fear, reminded myself that I'll find SOMETHING, and put the fear away. Curled up next to Geek and fell asleep.
                        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                        My Latest Journal

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                        • Stress sucks. Hugs.
                          Primal since March 5, 2012
                          SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                          • Backyard is mostly mowed. It has a mohawk because the battery died, but the grass was tall enough you could lose a Froot Loop in it, so I expected a mohawk.
                            I'm showered and medicated, waiting for the ijits at the body shop to call and say Molly's ready. Supposedly, they're doing their final inspection (a couple HOURS for an inspection?!) and she'll be ready.
                            Applied for a planner position and IT position at Sister City, applied for a drafting position and engineer position. We'll see.
                            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                            My Latest Journal

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                            • That cut and color looks absolutely amazing on you.

                              When you were talking about the number of jobs you've held over the past 5 years, I started counting and I've held 10 different positions since this month, 2008. Not anything to write home about. I have almost been in this position for 6 months and I think this is the first job since Morgan Stanley that I've thoroughly enjoyed.

                              I'm not sure how to tell you to stop beating yourself up over this. At least you are finally seeing it as an opening to something new rather than an all out end. A creative job seems like a good fit for you. Here's something that I have thought of. What about volunteering? Meals on Wheels, local food pantry, schools. It would be something to keep you busy and could look good on a résumé.
                              Georgette

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                              • Lovely picture. It is great to "see" you.

                                Hang in there. Something good is coming.
                                Primal since 9/24/2010
                                "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

                                Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
                                MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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