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Primal Journal **Greensprout**

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  • Thanks for your words, Em and Suse. I should be in bed but still kind of wound up. I know it's not about me or my parenting abilities, but it really hurts. When I typed the last lines in my previous post I got a bit teary too, it is sad. He's not my little boy anymore, but someone trying to find himself as an almost young man and assert his own independence, albeit in a not so good way right now. I'm still hopeful. He's a good kid, capable of being an honor student (and used to be one) and with a potentially amazing future ahead of him, if he wants it. It's now the invincibility concept of teenagers taking over. I hope the next 2 days help to give him the perspective he needs.

    I didn't go crazy on bad foods this evening, though it certainly crossed my mind. Some strawberries, a pepperoni stick, half a tiny dark chocolate almond butter bar, a few almonds, a smidge of unsweetened coconut (not that addictive sweetened Costco stuff) and 2 drinks. And I had only had one meal today before all of this. Damn TOM in progress as well, in all it's raging glory.

    Tomorrow is an education session for my casual job in the ER. Then a long weekend. And son #1's 16th birthday tomorrow. He's already been warned to behave when he goes out with his friends for the evening, as I can't deal with more kid issues this week. He's assured me it's not going to happen, which is probably the case.

    I need to go to bed, it's midnight.
    My musings

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    • I slept reasonably, though only about 6 1/2 hours till I had to be up. Decent training day, and connected with a few people I needed to meet with at the hospital, both for myself and some of my military staff doing clinical placements.

      Fasted until dinner, close to 19 hours.
      D: grass fed rib steak, grilled asparagus & sauteed mushrooms. Couple squares of dark chocolate, and some wine.
      Usually when having only one meal, I feel hungry again in a few hours, so plan for greek yogurt & strawberries if there is a need, maybe unsweetened shredded coconut on top.

      Spoke with the dad of the kid son #2 is staying with, the day was decent. I'm waiting now on a reply to a text I sent the kid to check in. I think all is okay.

      Son #1 turned 16 today. He had his girlfriend over for a couple hours this evening, now he's out with his buddies. He was happy with his cupcake, as it was a "splurge" day on his cutting regime.

      I considered going for some sprints or a walk after work, as I've obviously missed workouts the last 2 days, but had a bit of a power nap instead. Tomorrow's another day. I'm also planning on an early bed night...really.
      My musings

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      • Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        Quite the effing evening I've had. And have managed to not either kill, imprison, or sell the kid.
        {{{{{hugs}}}}}

        Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        To make a long story short, the kid went out and then texted me that he was really stressing over everything that happened, and didn't want to come home to fighting about it, so he was going to stay "somewhere safe" for a few days and then come home. WTF??????????????? Convinced him to meet us outside to talk, eventually chose to let him stay for the next 2 nights with a friend, and we proceeded to take a few things over to the friend's house and meet with the parents (the friend was also involved in yesterday's events). The parents okay with this, will keep tabs on them and we can check in anytime.
        Yikes! It could have been worse, at least he texted you. And then came to talk with you.
        Those are good things.
        You know where he is and that he is "safe".

        Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        I'm trying to not take this as a reflection on my parenting ability or some fault in my own character. I know that sounds illogical, but the feeling is hard to ignore. I realize he is his own person and makes his own choices that are not my fault.
        It is NOT you.
        When I was having problems with my Eldest, and feeling the same way, a therapist we were seeing drew a sketch like this:

        He said "You, (your parenting, rules, etc) are the box. Your son is the red lines. You are keeping him "inside" the boundaries most of the time. Occasionally he "breaks free". Imagine what he would be like if you were NOT there..."

        Never even imagine that it is "your fault" or something you are doing wrong.
        You can help, but unfortunately, he has to figure this out on his own.
        It might take a while...

        Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        I know it's not about me or my parenting abilities, but it really hurts. When I typed the last lines in my previous post I got a bit teary too, it is sad. He's not my little boy anymore, but someone trying to find himself as an almost young man and assert his own independence, albeit in a not so good way right now. I'm still hopeful. He's a good kid, capable of being an honor student (and used to be one) and with a potentially amazing future ahead of him, if he wants it. It's now the invincibility concept of teenagers taking over. I hope the next 2 days help to give him the perspective he needs.
        Of course it hurts, he's your baby.

        Do you think it would "help" if Son#1 talked to him? Sometimes they will listed to another kid way before they will even consider listening to an adult. Let Son#1 give it to him straight, when you are NOT around, so Son#2 doesn't think he's being "set up".

        Just an idea. Or is there another slightly older "good" teen that Son#2 likes?

        Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        I didn't go crazy on bad foods this evening, though it certainly crossed my mind. Some strawberries, a pepperoni stick, half a tiny dark chocolate almond butter bar, a few almonds, a smidge of unsweetened coconut (not that addictive sweetened Costco stuff) and 2 drinks. And I had only had one meal today before all of this. Damn TOM in progress as well, in all it's raging glory.
        Excellent self control!!!

        Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        Spoke with the dad of the kid son #2 is staying with, the day was decent. I'm waiting now on a reply to a text I sent the kid to check in. I think all is okay.
        Good.

        Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
        Son #1 turned 16 today. He had his girlfriend over for a couple hours this evening, now he's out with his buddies. He was happy with his cupcake, as it was a "splurge" day on his cutting regime.
        Nice. Sweet sixteen! (Although I don't think boys like to be called that )
        My baby turns 16 in 16 more days.
        "Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be." Kurt Vonnegut
        "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams
        "Moderation sucks." Suse
        "Wine is a vegetable." Meaty
        "Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow and the day after that." Cmdr Chris Hadfield


        Winencandy

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        • Originally posted by winencandy View Post

          He said "You, (your parenting, rules, etc) are the box. Your son is the red lines. You are keeping him "inside" the boundaries most of the time. Occasionally he "breaks free". Imagine what he would be like if you were NOT there..."
          Thanks for this. Really.

          I did pick him up this afternoon. We haven't gone into detail about stuff so far, but he did say he was surprised we agreed to giving him the couple of days away, and thanked me for that. A step in the right direction.

          A rainy long weekend here, that kind of sucks. I did consider going walking in the rain, but by the time I was ready it was coming down pretty hard, so I wimped out. I'm tired today too, probably the weight of the week. Went to bed at 12 (wasn't that supposed to be early??) and slept until nearly 11...good grief. Must have needed that.

          Eats:
          B: coffee with cream.
          430pm: 2 pepperoni sticks, some almonds
          D: will be caesar salad with scallops, and some leftover grass fed steak if I need more. There will be wine.
          My musings

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          • Greensprout, All I will say is, I've been where you are. Given that, I admire your restraint and ability to let things evolve.

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            • Thanks, marcadav. As for restraint, I decided from past experience that coming down hard seems to make things worse. I'm not sure yet where this will go, but based on his response so far, I think there is potential to work things through. How did things work out for you??
              My musings

              The old stuff

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              • Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
                Thanks for this. Really.
                No problem. I know it helped me.

                Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
                I did pick him up this afternoon. We haven't gone into detail about stuff so far, but he did say he was surprised we agreed to giving him the couple of days away, and thanked me for that. A step in the right direction.
                Good

                Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
                A rainy long weekend here, that kind of sucks. I did consider going walking in the rain, but by the time I was ready it was coming down pretty hard, so I wimped out.
                I'm a wimp in the rain too I might melt...but wait...I'm not made out of sugar anymore...so maybe I won't melt???

                Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
                I'm tired today too, probably the weight of the week. Went to bed at 12 (wasn't that supposed to be early??) and slept until nearly 11...good grief. Must have needed that.
                Yup.
                "Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be." Kurt Vonnegut
                "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams
                "Moderation sucks." Suse
                "Wine is a vegetable." Meaty
                "Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow and the day after that." Cmdr Chris Hadfield


                Winencandy

                Comment


                • My situation was/is very complicated. My husband (ex) and I were separated at the time when a secret life(husband's) was revealed that directly and negatively impacted our, then 16 YO, son. I felt, at the time, that our son needed one parent(me) that would "hold his feet to the fire", by setting and maintaining well defined boundaries. He , me, we had long term individual and family therapy.

                  During this time my son pushed the boundaries beyond belief. I like to think he was simply testing to see if one parent(me)would stay the course.

                  Fast forward to today, while my son still has some issues he's come a long way. He turns 25 tomorrow, has a great,well paying job, and is a devoted and fantastic dad to 2 beautiful little boys.

                  Looking back, I cant help but wonder IF taking your approach might have helped/hastened my son's personal/emotional growth. All I know for sure is, all of my children KNOW I love them and that I am there for them through thick and thin.

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                  • That must have been an incredibly difficult time for you and your son. I'm happy to hear you both came through positively.

                    I think the biggest thing is doing my best to ensure that he knows I'm only acting in his best interest, because I love him and want the best for him. Of course, the age means he thinks he can "handle" himself just fine, he has no idea of the reality of that illogical thinking. Defining boundaries is really what we need to sort out. I guess time will tell. I expect to have some discussion tomorrow.
                    My musings

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                    • I have the greatest respect for all parents, what a thankless job mostly, especially with teenagers. You've got the patience of a saint I think. I do not know how I wouldnt just give him a slapping. soooo on that note, lets all be glad I dont have kids eh

                      Im sure things will get better over time>> keep up the dialogue

                      HMMM the >>> is because the fullstop on my laptop has finally given up the ghost> as has the semicolon< ooh oh< looks like the comma too>

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                      • Oh, wow, I just caught up on recent events. I admire your parenting skills immensely (I know I certainly wouldn't be as level headed) and the way you maintain your healthy eating even under so much stress. You do so much between the extra work in a stressful environment and your husband traveling...
                        Il faut vivre et non pas seulement exister.

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                        • Thanks to all for your kind words of support. It's been quite a week, but I think we've come out with our heads above water.

                          We had some open discussion (once again) with son #2. I think we've come to some agreement about boundaries and expectations, and consequences for any future occurrences, which hopefully won't need to happen. He was thankful for us giving him the couple of days, and also for us not reacting explosively and trying to treat him as a 'young' adult rather than a child <believe me, this took a hell of a lot of restraint>. Reality is, we all have to live with each other and nobody needs suspicion an hostility for an everyday thing. I can only hope he's being honest with us, I guess time will tell. Things have been relatively good over the long weekend, and he heads back to school tomorrow, has to meet with his principal about his plan and so on. That part is up to him.

                          Eats have been decent over the weekend, though I can say I had more wine than I needed. Turning that off for the week ahead.
                          Saturday's eats:
                          B: coffee with cream
                          L: bit of leftover steak & asparagus
                          D: bison/grass fed beef patties topped with carmalized onion and butter sauteed oyster mushrooms. Wine. Strawberries & greek yogurt with shredded coconut.

                          Today:
                          B: coffee with cream
                          11am: 2 jumbo eggs over a bison/beef pattie
                          D: cream of greens soup (first PB cookbook- combined the cream of greens & cream of broccoli soup recipes, used broccoli & kale plus heavy cream) topped with cheddar & parmesan, bacon & scallions, bunch of hot wings. Wine.

                          Yesterday I picked up some bedding plants, managed to plant my herbs and stuff: basil, oregano, rosemary, cilantro, thyme, lemon grass, cherry tomatoes, assorted lettuces, dill. More flowers and such to plant out front. Today was really chilly and not nice at all, so I need to get at that during the week. Temps overnight are supposed to be only 1C, so I think I need to cover up the basil and tomatoes.

                          Busy week ahead at work, and hubby is once again away from tomorrow until late Thurs. We'll see how things unfold.
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                          • It sounds to me like you handled things perfectly. Hopefully the little bit of leeway you gave him will encourage him to act more responsibly. I guess it's just a matter of wait and see now huh?

                            I would have had 'more wine than I needed' too!

                            I am jealous of all this talk of planting, Perth is such a desert!
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                            • i think the trouble with teenagers is that they fail to foresee the consequences of their actions. As we get older we have a better idea of what might happen and take some risks anyway, but hopefully I think as adults we take calculated risks. But when you are younger you are bulletproof (so you think) It's trying to get through to him to contemplate possible consequences of what he does and to always think worst case scenario and then decide if it really is worth the risk.

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                              • Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
                                We had some open discussion (once again) with son #2. I think we've come to some agreement about boundaries and expectations, and consequences for any future occurrences, which hopefully won't need to happen. He was thankful for us giving him the couple of days, and also for us not reacting explosively and trying to treat him as a 'young' adult rather than a child <believe me, this took a hell of a lot of restraint>. Reality is, we all have to live with each other and nobody needs suspicion an hostility for an everyday thing. I can only hope he's being honest with us, I guess time will tell. Things have been relatively good over the long weekend, and he heads back to school tomorrow, has to meet with his principal about his plan and so on. That part is up to him.
                                This is Good

                                Originally posted by Greensprout View Post
                                Yesterday I picked up some bedding plants, managed to plant my herbs and stuff: basil, oregano, rosemary, cilantro, thyme, lemon grass, cherry tomatoes, assorted lettuces, dill.
                                Hmm...I always plant basil - I LOVE fresh basil!! Maybe I should plant a few other herbs...

                                Originally posted by NourishedEm View Post
                                I would have had 'more wine than I needed' too!
                                Me too!!!
                                "Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be." Kurt Vonnegut
                                "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams
                                "Moderation sucks." Suse
                                "Wine is a vegetable." Meaty
                                "Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow and the day after that." Cmdr Chris Hadfield


                                Winencandy

                                Comment

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