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Kymma, Kisses are my only sugar - Journal

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  • #46
    Hurray for you K!
    Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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    • #47
      Kym, hope you had a fun day!
      Chris
      "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
      Unknown

      My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

      My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

      Comment


      • #48
        Happy Holiday Hangover Monday!

        I was an hour late to work and I don't care! LOL!

        How did the holiday weekend go? Well, it went. I am sad to say it wasn't 100%, but happy to say NO SUGAR!!! NO DESSERT! I did really well, I just ate too many carbs, but they were all veggies, so not bad, all in all.

        Thanksgiving Day 72/61 net carbs
        Friday 56/45 net carbs
        Saturday 56/44 net carbs
        Sunday 14/3 net carbs

        If I think back on other holidays, well, this is hilarious, how little I ate in comparison. So in the long view it is a win. However, it led to a gain, back up to 237, net loss of 7 lbs since 11/1. I have 32 days to lose 12 lbs, so I am going to have to get real strict. Especially since Christmas falls in there too.

        Removing all dairy, cranking up protein in the morning, stevia in coffee only, 3 solids, no snacks. Today is grocery day and tomorrow is back on the exercise wheel. All meals will consist of protein and either a steamed, roasted, or sauteed vegetable.

        I am also going to start lifting heavy things as well as walking and moving and yoga. It is just time to get busy, I have rested long enough! I want to use this cold season as a melt away season!
        My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

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        • #49
          EMOTIONAL! And I can't pinpoint why this is happening exactly. I had a short, light TOM last week, so I would have thought I would be somewhat balanced hormonally. So it must be something emotional and I am excavating to try to dig it out. Sigh, I am so tired of digging and excavating the emotional savings of my past. They always say you get the same lesson until you learn it. Apparently, I am a piss poor learner.

          The weight issue has me down. I am so ready to pull the fat off of my body. I gained over Thanksgiving from eating under 75 carbs a day, no sugar. It has me mad and determined. But it also makes me sad. No matter what I have done in the last year, it has failed. I will find the answer, it just frustrates me. My old boss took off 75 lbs doing hcg shots. Now I am the fattest in the department under 45. I can't do the shots bc 1. I don't think it is a good idea for many reasons. 2. I had a precancerous mass and they don't recommend it for people with cancer. It just makes it hard when you are doing it the whole food way and you aren't really getting anywhere. It seems that my weight always wants to go right back to 237. I will win, it just gets me down that this battle is apparently going to be a full 5-7 years and I've only done 4 years so far. May this one be more successful than the last.

          The crux of the issue is my job/career. It has me blue. I am one of those driven, ambitious, overachiever types. I had to for sanity leave a high paying job and then the economy imploded and I took a much lower paying job. I have excelled, but there hasn't been much return on my investment for me. I have held 3 positions, and only received one performance raise that was piddling at best after all the empty promises were made that if I did a good job I would be rewarded.

          I have gotten certifications, gotten involved on boards, done intention setting workshops, embraced my feminine power, dug, found, researched, thought, etc. about my purpose, my career, my life. I was on the hunt for a new position big time during the summer. In college, I was the callback queen. Every audition weekend, I was there until the final cut, always came down to me and one other, and the other person always got it. That is my current experience. They love me, but the role just isn't right for me, but they will keep me in mind for future positions. So I decided to take a break from looking.

          During that time, I came up with a plan that might allow me to stay with this company and do something I would really like. I sat down to discuss the idea, got buy in for it, and that same day got a call from a recruiter. It has swirled all of that anger, bitterness, and that feeling that I am not enough, that the role isn't right for me, for no good reason. I have been submitted, it is a holiday time, no one has gotten back to me to schedule an interview, but it is still early.

          Things at my job since I submitted my resume have been somewhat painful and difficult. Things about the company and the men who run it keep coming into my view and making me upset. People are coming out of the wood work complaining and making a stink about non-issues. I am tired of my role, no longer want to push through to make it better. So I sit, fat and discouraged just like I was last year and the year before and the year before.

          Things are better yes. This time of year is hard for me almost every year. It is better than last year when I had 2 vein procedures in my legs and a breast mass removed, I was sick, depressed, and scared. This year I am confident, on track with my health, and happy.

          It is better, but emotionally, I feel like it isn't. I hope it passes, but I also know it won't. That I am going to have to keep digging and bring whatever it is into the light. I also know that it will dissipate when it gets brought into the light. So I'll keep digging and feeling until I figure it out.
          My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

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          • #50
            Originally posted by Kymma View Post
            EMOTIONAL! And I can't pinpoint why this is happening exactly. I had a short, light TOM last week, so I would have thought I would be somewhat balanced hormonally. So it must be something emotional and I am excavating to try to dig it out. Sigh, I am so tired of digging and excavating the emotional savings of my past. They always say you get the same lesson until you learn it. Apparently, I am a piss poor learner.
            I am sure you will figure it out. Sometimes, our brains just get in the way of things. It wasn't until I started taking 5-HTP and going to a (GOOD) therapist that I was able to work past some of my mental junk this year. It is so frustrating to KNOW that things aren't right, but not be able to do anything about it. What you have right now is a game plan, in regards to health. Remember that your body has probably taken a lot of abuse over the years and it will probably take some time for things to normalize. I really hope things turn around for you soon, mentally or physically!
            Depression Lies

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            • #51
              Thanks, I just have been needing to let it out. I may end up visiting with my therapist for a check-in. I have to be honest, I really don't want to do the work. I am tired of the work. I also know that I will want to do the work again soon. I just have to make it through this period of whine. lol
              My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

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              • #52
                Yeah, I get that . Nothing wrong with a good whine now and then! We just have to remember it doesn't really do anything haha.
                Depression Lies

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                • #53
                  I get you. I have been on the same weight roller coaster the last year. Honestly, I'm worried that if the W30 doesn't deliver miracles, I will want to say F it...but of course I can't. Venting is very important even if it is colored by emotions and hormones. I hope you feel better soon.
                  Primal since 9/24/2010
                  "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

                  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
                  MFP username: MDAPebbles67

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    The emotions you are feeling regarding weight are a big part of why I gave up the scale. At least this way, I have 1 less stress, I don't know the number. Been hovering around this weight for a couple of years of various types of "not diets" that were/are food restrictions meant to make me smaller but have failed. A brief strong emotional whine is great to let it all out, then you gotta let go and get on with it. we're with ya!
                    Chris
                    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
                    Unknown

                    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

                    My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      I shook off the weight issue, I just have to heal myself and that will take TIME. In the world of matter, things take time, no immediate creating for us here!

                      I also have a very good inkling of what I am supposed to do in regards to the job. I have to work on some inner mantras and beliefs that get triggered when I look for a better paying job, mostly the "I am not enough" stuff. It is highly set off by financial issues, and I just have to get in there and dig it out. I'll get to it, but I most likely will be that person that is grunting, cussing and throwing a few things along the way.
                      My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

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                      • #56
                        For some reason, I have a strong urge to recommend a Fat Fast to you.

                        Don't know why reading a post about emotions made this come up, but it did, so...Fat Fast. You might like to look into and see if it is something you want to try.

                        And it is literally a thing you TRY - a few days, that's it. You can look it up easily on the web (mostly under Atkins Fat Fast) but the basics are: 1000 calories per day, almost ALL fat, eating liverwurst, butter, cream, macadamia nuts, pork rinds, sour cream, egg yolks, stuff like that, in five small meals throughout the day. Plenty of water. It slams you into ketosis.

                        Hmmm, maybe that's why I am thinking of it. Ketosis always helps my emotions.

                        In any case, sorry you are having such a hard time. One foot in front of the other.

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                        • #57
                          Pebbles, NW, Demuralist - thank you for the support and sharing your experiences, it really does help to have some comrades in this struggle towards health. I know that this much awesome in us will allow us to achieve our goals.

                          Sabine, thank you for the advice. I have googled it. I am not signing on for the fat fast yet, but may at some point, but it led me to a great carbsmart website that will help me with this WOE. Win!

                          Tonight is play rehearsal. Then I am making roasted zucchini and steak for dinner. Today is good.

                          First of all, what a difference a day makes. The most painful and frustrating part of excavating your feelings is always right before a breakthrough. Not that I've reached into the box and pulled out the treasure yet, but rather that my shovel has hit the box.

                          1. In my quest to understand and heal my body, there will be days with wins and days with disappointments. I will have plateaus and not lose and even gain. I am insulin resistant, so this is a tug of war. I like the visual of the tug of war, it's fun, sometimes you get pulled forward, sometimes it is all you can do to dig in, and other times you get that tug in and pull it in for the win. As long as you are still holding onto the rope, you are still in the game. I am in the game, and eventually, I will get a win in.

                          2. The job issue. It is time to let it go. I am good enough, and allowing my brain to make experiences I have into hard facts about my very nature (I am not enough) is normal, but I can control it. The truth is, I like the people I work with, I mostly like what I do, it is stable, I am well liked, I do a good job, and some days I don't know if I want to leave for a more progressive place or if I want to see if I can assist in making this a more progressive place. Since I am unsure if I want to leave, and the main factor motivating me is more $ and not knowing if that will change significantly in the next few years if I stay is called worry. Everything is fine the way it is. If things change, I am more than skilled and intelligent enough to react to it. I must let go of these beliefs, assure my inner child that everything is good, and stop worrying so much. I don't have to take a new job if it doesn't feel right, and if I don't get an interview, it doesn't mean that I am not good enough.

                          My anxiety is illusive. I am much better at working it out than I was 5 years ago. I used to have full fledge anxiety attacks and not have any ability to sort out my feelings. Now, as the observer, I can let the anxious feelings guide me to what I need to work on or figure out, no attacks. That is a huge healing, and one I don't need to take for granted.
                          My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

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                          • #58
                            I have added back in cream and butter. Yesterday, I didn't even make it to 1000 cals or 20 carbs yesterday bc I was NOT hungry (um, what the hell is that? That doesn't happen EVER). And come dinner time, more than 8 hrs since lunch, all I craved was fat. So I had a tbsp of coconut oil, hot tea with cream, and a pork chop with some fat on it, which was the best part.

                            This morning I had a minute steak and coffee with cream and butter. Just thinking about butter makes my damn mouth water. I am also reading a great article about nutritional ketosis that talks about ramping up fat to lose weight. 12 Healthy High-Fat Foods Perfect For Nutritional Ketosis

                            I am 28 days no sugar, carb flu is gone, and I can tweak this thing. Staying the road.

                            I am not perfect, not 100% paleo, I have had processed cheeses (trying to stay away from cheese), sugar free jello, lots of liquid stevia, bacon (which is cured with sugar), even a little vanilla extract which has trace amounts of sugar, and a few diet dr. ps or sprite zeros, but it's a process isn't it? Adjust, adjust, adjust. Stay the course, if you go for a walk off the path for a minute, keep an eye on it and jump back over as quick as possible and don't kick yourself. It's all I can do, is stay the course to the best of my ability.
                            My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

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                            • #59
                              Yay! You sound better today What you said about being an observer of your anxiety (or moods) is very well put. That's the process I've been experiencing for most of this year. Therapy helped, but this nutritional base is what made the biggest difference, for me.
                              Depression Lies

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                              • #60
                                I wanted to comment on the smoking...20+ years ago I stopped. Note I did not say quit. I have decided I will start back up again when I hit 90 cause I figure by the time it causes cancer I will die from something else anyway. When I was finally successful, I had a friend hold a pack for me, and if I thought I could not live without one, I would call him and go he would bring it to school (I was putting myself back through school at the time-full time student/full time work). Most times he would remember, sometimes he would forget. Once I decided I was just going to stop, for now, I kept myself out of the situations that triggered the need (ie. bars, certain restaurants, certain friends, etc). Now I can actually have the occasional cig and not even consider picking it back up as a habit. Good luck
                                Chris
                                "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
                                Unknown

                                My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

                                My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

                                Comment

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