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I weighed three times. That just doesn't sound right. I even had 2 oz. tortilla chips and a bite of a cheddar roll last night. Maybe this burstfit dvd is working. I hope so, because I actually really like it. Like a lot, and saying that about exercise is radical for me. We shall see what happens next week if I can stay on point. I really feel like I can, but that I also need to make sure to do some prep work this weekend, make a list, plan exact, easy meals, and make a couple snacks for myself ahead of time. I'm thinking pork rinds, celery, and a dip this week.
Well, I am about to go sit in the dining room and create a mail sorting center. I got a holder to separate my mail from hubs when I don't feel like sorting that minute, but they are small slots so you have to when it gets to 5-10 minutes worth of sorting. Then got a transportable file box to sort the mail right into. When a file gets full, you take it to the files and file it accordingly. No more piles on the dining table. I shall conquer the mail!
Well, I had a sugar day. I don't really call it a binge, because I did it willingly and because I felt like I had the flu. So I rewarded myself with ice cream. Silly reward, I could have rewarded myself with a great loss. So today, I am committing myself to 10 days sugar free, no addded sugar in sriracha or mustards, none. I then travel for 4 days, so I will do my best, then when I get back, I am on the ground travel free for 28 days, so I will commit to another 28 days sugar free. I hope to see the numbers I saw over the weekend 221.2 again by Thursday. I would like to hold on to them for just a minute and then wave goodbye to them in the rear view mirror. Even though I blew it yesterday, I had a good week and know I can do it again. Keep on keepin on is all we can do!
Today the hubs quit the new job in a blaze of glory. After 11 hours, with 4-6 deliveries left, his energy gave out. He has hypoglycemia and after going all day with no breaks and nothing to eat, he called it quits. Of course this led to a disagreement and some cussing between him and my good friend. Cardinal rule broken in working with/for a friend.I wish it had gone down differently. I wish they had been honest, I wish we had thought it through rationally before he took the job. He is too old to start delivering appliances. Last week was all 11-16 hour days, and after 19 days of work, no paycheck. As far as I am concerned this was a cluster fuck from the beginning and all sides are guilty, even me. They are guilty of not telling the whole truth. My husband is guilty of biting off more than he could chew and not fulfilling his commitment. I am guilty for thinking this would work and not considering the fallout it might cause.
I lived though. Yes, I ate 8 squares of a dark chocolate bar. Yes, I have nerves about the coming conversation with the friend who is also my co-worker, double oh-fuck-me-what-was-I-thinking!!!!
One thing came out of this, I have spent the last 2 weeks surrendering this issue. I can no longer carry the weight of my hubs job situation. I make it worse. My stress and anxiety draw the worst to us and leaves us not thinking clearly. He now has plenty of time to focus on his job hunt. I am focusing on myself and what I want. I am going to dream about my future and stop worrying over his, which is his fucking journey anyway, I can't walk it for him. So why in the hell have I been pacing him the whole way?
Thank god I have a soul sister to count on to help me during this time. She is a great resource and support to me. Letting go cannot be as painful as carrying more than you should be carrying.
Up at 4am with coughing and insomnia, wrote the above. Up another pound. At work, feel like shit, going to walk on the mill instead of burst to keep coughing at a minimum. It is dreary day here. I guess I will just work through the day on tasks and keep myself occupied. I have to say, I just can't stand the thought of worrying away the day today. I just don't have the energy. That is good I guess.
I admire your strength and honesty in both admitting that you cannot control/handle everything, but also recognizing where you may be at fault. I have found admitting fault to be one of the hardest parts of my journey through anxiety and depression. On the one hand, everything is NOT MY FAULT, but there are still situations where I was a key player and my response greatly affected the outcome. I can only change my own behavior/responses and fortunately, by proxy, that helps Hulky with his own.
I call it the 2%. I have found that by admitting my part in it, even if it is only 2%, then I can cope and not be overcome with guilt and anxiety. I used to let the 2% turn into the 98% in my head.
We shall see. Just being here inside my body today has been exhausting. I really want to go home and go to bed, but I may just read and see if I can't go someplace that is not my own land for a few hours (I've got a promising new book!).
My friend/coworker wanted to go for coffee this afternoon. I put it off until tomorrow. He said to assure my hubs we would work it out. I then texted hubs to tell him he needed to work it out, he said it already was. I have a feeling a facebook message to all 3 of them is happening tonight. All it will, I hate what happened, I would have not suggested the job to Justin if I had realized it would be so many hours, long days without proper meal breaks, and that it would turn into this mess. That I apologize for my part in it, but that it was between them to work it out. I should be handed an envelope with pay in it and not be asked to have conversations discussing what I was not a part of. Shit, I want to let it go, but they keep putting the string to this balloon back in my hand. Bullshit.
Well, it's been awful. Lots of drama, with some lovely name calling and sarcasm thrown at my husband for good measure and a facebook post. You can read my response to all of it below. I am trying very hard to let go of a bunch of stuff that is not serving me right now. My weight, my control of all areas of life, my fear, even friendships. I had 4 squares of dark chocolate and forgot to weigh this morning. I am sad, raw, and somewhat vulnerable. Oh well, this too shall pass.
I sent the following note hoping to disarm the situation so my work life will be copacetic:
"In all situations there are multiple sides to the story and there is the truth. I am experiencing many emotions in this situation, and those are mine to handle. The truth is that I helped to create a situation believing my husband would be working a hard day from 6:45am Ė 4:00pm with an occasional 6pm day that would allow us to have dinner and spend lots of time together. A 1950s dream world, and when the dream became to fade when our friend told me while you were on vacation that her son was working until 9-10pm every night, I knew something bad was coming. I know that we could tolerate him working over 50 hours a week of hard physical labor with little to no breaks, not having evenings together, and I was very upset and confused. I asked you at my desk and you said you thought your sisterís bf got home by 6 most nights. I tried to believe that this would work out, even though my gut was telling me differently. All of the sudden it was like I woke up and went, what in the world, I know better than to mix friendship and a brand new business. By then, it was too late, and I didnít know what to do to stop it.
I could should us both to death, but the reality is, we are humans, emotional and fallible. All handled the entire thing from start to finish in a way that a text book could pick apart, but I wonít.
This morning I saw your husbandís post and unfriended him in a knee jerk emotional reaction. It cut deep. Because it is only a very small part of the story and he knew I would see it. However, the friendship was between you and I. I am hurt and saddened, and I do not care to continue to see, read, or hear any drama.
What I need from you as a tribute to our friendship and the love you ever had for me, which I still hold in my heart for you, even in my anger at ALL of the behaviors in this situation, is this. I need for the pay to be sent to me via inner office mail on March 8th. I need for it not to go any farther or become any larger of an issue. I need it to be behind all of us.
I will not be discussing this with anyone here at work. If anyone asks, my answer will be, it wasnít a good fit. And J, honestly, you know it wasnít. You know me, the staunch liberal, would not tolerate a member of my household having a job for long that was 50-65 hours including nights and weekends, with limited time for adequate meals or bathroom breaks, and no sick days, no benefits. It becomes diminishing value of returns.
Was any of this handled by anyone, including me, in the right way? Absolutely not. I am not blame shifting. I see everyoneís part in this. If I could take it all back and make it all better, you know I would. But I cannot. And now we all must reap the consequences of what we sowed.
We have several work projects that we have together. You do a great job, and I will not play any bs games with that. For the next couple of weeks, I think it is best that we work together via email and instant messenger. I will not let this situation hurt either of our roles here and I hope you wonít either.
I am surrendering this entire situation. It really isnít mine, it just affects me greatly. I wish you nothing but the best in life."
^this. but now I am wondering if it is because I am a staunch conservative that I work 50-60 hours a week including nights and weekends. Damn.
No! This particular job was $150 a day to deliver appliances. We were not told to expect 10-16 hour days by the friends that hired him. After 10 hours, the return on that wage, which is pre-tax, and has no benefits (sick days, vacation pay, health benefits) is just ludicrous. The days my husband worked 16 hours he was making $9.37 before all taxes, so probably about $8.25 an hour, for heavy lifting and long hours without adequate breaks for bathroom or meals? No thanks. I was being very naive.
There were other issues, and yes, my husband has major employment issues. I am not in any way saying he is blameless. We are fucked again, transition # 20 and looking for job # 12. I am hoping the next job will be the last for a couple of years.
No! This particular job was $150 a day to deliver appliances. We were not told to expect 10-16 hour days by the friends that hired him. After 10 hours, the return on that wage, which is pre-tax, and has no benefits (sick days, vacation pay, health benefits) is just ludicrous.
I know. I was just messing with you. It really is nuts. I do not mind long hours, but I can't stand varied hours. Let me know when I am going home in advance none of this "Uh, today it is 16 hours" bullshit.