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This is just expression of frustrations, I am not deeply upset, just surface irritable. But I am experiencing burn out in my job. I have done all I can do to address the situation for over 2 years. Everyone that performed 1/3 of my role burned out, couldn't perform, or quit in less than 2 years, I have been at it and taking on more and more since 11/09. I hope for some relief soon. I have told my boss on numerous occasions that we need to hire someone within a year. I think for my May performance review I want a meeting with both my boss and his boss. I am being held back because I am good, I am not being helped because I keep the balls in the air, and this is the last year I am going to sit idle and allow it. If it is not resolved quickly, I will find another job. I may anyway. I am underpaid, overloaded, and undervalued, and that can only go on for so long. Now with the hubs in a better place, I feel like I can spread my wings. The cool part is I am starting a program where I will meet and find new opportunities I never dreamed of. Maybe one will come up that will be a miracle I never even dreamed of. Or maybe I'll learn something about myself that changes the very way I live my life.
I am releasing all of this today, surrendering this job and its difficulties and doing the best I can with the resources I have. I will work with patience for myself and others, I will find the gems in the rocks, I will use this as an excavation site for my true purpose, and not worry about finding a new job. I will let life unfold for me.
I have also been feeling injustices and suffering more deeply lately. Instead of clamming up against it, I want to explore it. I am going to go to a meditation group and start reading some Pema Chodron and maybe playing with her Awakening to Compassion lessons. I know I am meant for something in this realm, to be a voice, to be a freedom fighter. I am working out what pebbles I can over in the landslide towards equality and acceptance. I always let my inability to be a boulder of change stop me from tossing pebbles.
Nice reminder today, being unhappy with my job and the pressure is not a problem, it is an annoyance, no clean water, inadequate housing, no education, no opportunity, poverty, danger, rape, these are problems!
So I was at max anxiety stress when I left work yesterday, just a shit day. Got home, hubs had his boyz over, they were drinking and dj'ing (we are house music lovers), so I decided to have a few drinks and enjoy the tunes. We ordered Mexican and I ate a a huge plate of fajita meat, guac, sour cream. Weight up a pound this morning. I'm not even bothering to track that meal, but in the end, I ate 4 chips, 2 bites of beans and everything else was primal, so if that is a binge, cool, it ain't bad. I am for sure in need of some fun times to blow off steam from responsibility.
My anxiety is WAY up, my stress is WAY up, and I am working on that for the month of February. Plan is Tuesday Dharma Bum meet up for meditation (to learn from Buddhist monks at a Buddhist temple for free right here in Memphis! Whoa! pretty cool!), start exercising, do some yoga, coloring, etc.
Tonight I'm going to a painting place with the SIL. Tomorrow night I'm going to go get my dance on to some house music. Yes, I will be drinking delicious vodka and sodas both nights. All work and no play make Kym an aggressive bitch. LOL
Is thankful the 'holiday season' is over. I have had boys and food and fun in my house way too much the last week, with the hubs off in between jobs. I have not weathered the temptation storm well, so I am starting new today. I am forgoing the scale for a week and focusing on eating well and getting my macros back in line. I am going to walk the mill today and tomorrow and do some stretching, and start my burst dvd this Wed. The time is now, no more bullshit festive weekends for a whole month until I travel for work, and that weekend will be a crap shoot. February 4-March 7th are MINE!!!!!
This is me expressing fears and anxiety and the resulting fall out and worry:
So the restart last night was an abysmal failure. I knew I didn't have the strength to fight my demons, so I just let them rule me. This morning on the way to work, I have admitted it isn't anxiety from eating, it is anxiety. I am having mini-anxiety attacks again, set off by a few things, but I think most deeply the residing issue has been my husband's employment. They all started when his anger peaked around the death of his grandfather in mid-October. I have been fearing he would quit his job, because he was so unhappy. Now, he has taken a day job as an appliance deliverer, honest work, good money. No benefits, no time off, no career track. I would like to have a baby. I would also like to have a cycle. These things are being directly affected by my anxiety about him and his employment. A person I know at work also took a job with this company, and some nights they work until 9. I am afraid we will be right back in the unhappy boat, and once again, this isn't stable, this isn't something he can grow from. He also quit one job before the other started, which set off huge warning bells as well, even though we have the $ for bills. I hate triggers. I wish beyond all wishing he would find a career track job and keep it for 3 years. I think that would stop all the triggering from his employment issues.
All of my bells are going off in my gut and brain. I am trying to quiet them. I have lost the battle the last few days. I am aware of it.
I am not letting this anxiety get the best of me for long. I just have to manage my anxiety. It is my job right now. I cannot control other things, I cannot control how he feels or what he does. I cannot control that my body doesn't want to work correctly. I can control how I treat myself. I can take care of myself. I can forgive myself when I do things to hurt my body as an act of punishment against my lack of control of the world. I am going to buy a polishing cloth so I can wear my silver owl necklace again. I need the totem, I need the reminder.
I know I am allowing my issues to supersede my rational thoughts. I will reign this back in. I am stronger than this, and I will win. I just have to meet it head on. I also have to tell him that I am in full blown anxiety, so he knows what is happening. Thank goodness for some down time to properly handle this. That is probably why it grew to this level of acting out, I had to push it down while I was busy with the play.
Trust, I have to trust that this will all work out. And while I am working to get this anxiety managed, meditation, exercise, and self care will be important. Namaste.
Also, to be fair, I also have many personal issues at work here too. Burn out, giving too much and getting too little in return, and not knowing how to better leverage that for personal success and development, across all areas of my relationships and life. Feeling stuck in my job, being very driven and intelligent and bored, feeling used, abused, and disappointed in my circumstances. Feeling stuck in this town because of my husband's life choices and my choice to create a life with him. Memphis is a very challenged arena for young talent, with limited opportunity and at best is in the 1970s of thought and behavior. Many of my friends experience this, and most leave. I would be looking for a job out of the city too, but my hubs has to finish school.
ALL OF THIS IS DIRECTLY RELATED TO TRUST AND FEAR. I must spend some time surrendering and letting go and trusting that the universe is working on all things that I am needed to accomplish on this journey at the right time. This is not mine to deal with, and it is why I am all wrapped up and having trouble.
Thank both of you sooooo much. I THINK the anxiety peaked last night. By the time I got home I had a wide eyed, completely bummed out and freaking look on my face. We went and ate Vietnamese, probably my favorite food on the planet, and I had a delicious bowl of curry beef and noodle soup. Not LC, but it did soothe the soul. I almost went out and got my favorite ice cream, but let myself get sleepy on the couch instead. I woke up better today. Hubs started the new job today, I am going to a meditation meet up this evening, and I am doing my burst fitness DVD at 11am with a friend.
I am going to a lecture given by Isabel Wilkerson, who "wrote "The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America's Great Migration" after interviewing 1,200 people about the massive population flight from the Jim Crow South in the 20th century."
One of the great things that came of the play is a strong sense that my life's purpose has something to do with the fight for equal rights, for women, for all skin colors, for sexual identity, for HUMANS. Some of the anxiety could also be from trying to figure out the how. But I know, I don't have to find the how, I just have to know the why.
So my plan is to allow, and to allow what needs to come into being in my life by doing what I feel pulled towards. I am pulled towards meditating, yoga, and exercise, and eating well for my health. I am pulled towards studying and reading about the history of the Women's Rights Movement, as well as the hard pain of our horrible and traumatizing history.
I wonder if I should clear my blog of all the past starts and start writing about my research. It would give me a place to put my research.
I know some of you read this, and right now I am using this as a diary. I don't have the ability to express this to the level needed at the moment, so I have got to get it out. I am foul mouthed and on red alert, so yeah, reader beware and all that jazz....
Well, my gut was right, day 1 and there are problems, but he isn't quitting, well, not yet. He didn't get done in time to get to school in time. And at a private accelerated university, that won't work. It will today, but he is already realizing the hours won't work, and he let the man be vague, instead of asking him real questions with quantifiable answers. What time do the drivers finish, sometimes 2-3, sometimes later. How many hours, sometimes 40, sometimes a little more. ARGGHHHH! WTF?
I love this man, but this is a MAJOR issue. I am his cheerleader, I KNOW he is fucking brilliant and the best personnel manager I have ever seen in action, for god's sake employees have written him handwritten thank you letters so many times, but I can't find him a job and his job situation is killing me. Like for real. I had a lot of mental issues that I worked my ass off after having the worst fucking reaction to antidepressants and cleaning it up with therapy and communication and refinding my fucking joy, and all that shit. Feeling this anxiety again and losing control of managing it to the worst extent in several years, and well, I can SEE it this time. I can see how insecurity and unemployment in a spouse can drive the other one bonkers. What if I wasn't fucking bonkers the first years of our marriage, what if this stress just pushes me to my limits? Not because I don't admire and have true affection for him, but because the type of issues he is bringing to the table are the worst ones for me? And yes, I should learn the lesson offered by said triggers, but for real? isn't that just some ridiculous ass bullshit new agers tell themself to make themselves feel better when physical concerns like money and security take a toll on their "kind, gentle, anti-consumer" mindset?
I want to face this time, I want to communicate with love and compassion, but oh my god, I want it finished. I feel like I am birthing this fucking lesson from beyond and damn, dude, I just want to go to work, pay some damn bills, have some fun, rinse, repeat for a couple years.