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  • Woah, stop being so hard on yourself.

    And, re your earlier posts, if you are in a state of constant flux, it must be very hard for the people around you to keep up - no wonder lots of people fall by the wayside, not many people/relationships can cope with change.

    Chin up, chuck. Things will get better. The caterpillar stays in one place eats and grows and changes loads, but eventually it turns into a butterfly that stays the same but gets to fly from plant to plant.
    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
      Woah, stop being so hard on yourself.

      And, re your earlier posts, if you are in a state of constant flux, it must be very hard for the people around you to keep up - no wonder lots of people fall by the wayside, not many people/relationships can cope with change.
      I know. I scare the shit out of people. They can't, nor do they want to keep up. I have close friends that know me and are used to me. They don't have to keep up because I keep my "happy face" on most of the time. When I am on here, which is basically anonymous I am just honest. And my honest is ugly. They don't fall by the wayside either. I do everything I can to shove them there so I can reinforce my sick distrust of men. Which seemingly has no roots, great relationship with my dad, sure there have been things over the years, but it seems I have always been this way. If someone wants me I assume they aren't good enough, if they don't then it makes me feel bad about me instead of them. I have no perspective on my life right now. This last one was bad. I fucked up a good friendship because I selfishly could not keep my deeper feelings to myself. This person did lead me on to an extent and is also messed up in his own way, but its mostly my fault. I should not have unburdened my heart to make myself feel better knowing the stress and headache it would cause him. On the other hand I couldn't keep my feelings to myself. I always do this, but this one was different. I feel that I ruined something that could've really enriched my life. I can't undo it, I can't change what I've done. I wouldn't anyway because it would just end up back in the same place. I'll move on, I'll get over it. I am sure I will continue to be crazy. I just have to do the work. More reading, more prioritizing, more exercise, more good food, no bad food. I was looking through this particular friends posts on another forum and found something that I think will help. The Eisenhower Decision Matrix: How to Distinguish Between Urgent and Important Tasks | The Art of Manliness Tomorrow its time to hit the books, hit fat, do all my reps, all my walking, and really make a budget and a plan. Shit happens, but I can't be a victim of my own life. I'm not a victim. I have survived unimaginable trauma, and now I actually wasted a day worrying about some stupid depression. It has been a rough few weeks, a lot of death, a lot of self analysis, fell in love with someone completely unavailable and completely unrealistic in every aspect, geographically, emotionally, personality-wise, everything... but I couldn't fight the feelings and I couldn't ignore them anymore. The only option is to end contact with someone that meant a great deal to me and that helped me more than anyone in the recent past. You can't have it both ways, and people like me are all or nothing and need everything explained and qualified. He couldn't do that. I don't blame him. It will be okay. I will carve my own path, guidance helps, but I can do this. I just wish things were different. They never are though. It's good to know I can still love at least. That's a plus I guess... I was beginning to wonder. My journal posts are usually, and may continue to be all over the place. Am I crazy? Yeah, maybe... but more than anything I just say exactly how I feel nearly every moment I feel it, which changes rapidly. I guess that's not a good thing for most people to be around. I have a book I would like to finish tomorrow. Then another that I am going to order off amazon if I can find it. I have so much to do. And all of it is to improve myself. I may not have a specific goal, well except to look good naked, and that pull-up, I want to do that fucking pull-up. That's good enough for now, hopefully the rest will fall into place. Thank God my feelings of love were not reciprocated... I would've ruined someone's life most likely. I realize now how selfish I was being. I'm sorry. Tonight, maybe some more tears, but then sleep, long... deep... sleep. Tomorrow, getting off my fucking pity pot and just doing it. Just doing it. One little step at a time.

      Comment


      • I will sit with your words for a while and think on what you're saying. I see some commonalities between where you are now and where I was before I met the husband (and also recently when I tried to have an affair - yeah, I'm nice like that). However, I'm cheering for you and lurking.
        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
          I will sit with your words for a while and think on what you're saying. I see some commonalities between where you are now and where I was before I met the husband (and also recently when I tried to have an affair - yeah, I'm nice like that). However, I'm cheering for you and lurking.
          Thank you, I would really appreciate your thoughts. I hope things worked out with the hubs, or not... if you didn't want them to. And don't be hard on yourself. No one is perfect. I can't imagine how hard marriage is. I can't imagine how hard commitment is. I've committed for months at a time, not years, well once for three years, but I didn't even love him looking back. I never cheated, but I wanted to in the loveless relationship. I am cheering for you too. It makes me feel good that you're lurking. Thanks for that.

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          • Hubster and I made it through* - it turns out that someone did think of the children: we have a son and a dog to protect.

            Chin up, you won't always feel the way you do now. You're being very strong and brave to look at yourself and your actions (two different things) with such an unflinching gaze. I'm sure you'll come out the other side even stronger.

            *Will have been married 11 years next week. Wheeee!
            I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

            Comment


            • Thanks :') I am glad you guys worked things out. I slept and slept last night. I still woke up sad. Crying and getting ready for work don't mix, lol. I'll be okay. I sacrificed a food friendship to unburden my own heart. It wasn't worth it. I wish I could take it back.

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              • Tell me how to stop feeling. I feel like my insides at going to burst out. And I have 8 more hours of pretending its all okay. I want to feel nothing. No good no bad.

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                • Nope I made this mess. I've done the best I could to make peace with those I've hurt. I can't give up, I can't stop feeling. I need to get over it, get over myself, and hope one day I will be able to have a normal relationship with a man. Until then. I just have to suck up my heartache, my loneliness and shut up.

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                  • Oh, lady. Sending thoughts your way.
                    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                    • Thanks... I'll make it.

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                      • Gotta lighten my mind...

                        "Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

                        Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

                        After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

                        The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?

                        The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

                        The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

                        The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly

                        back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'"

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                        • ImageUploadedByMarks Daily Apple Forum1383605219.313974.jpg

                          Browning up my first pot roast of the year. It's lifting my spirits already

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                          • All of the things that have gone through my mind these last days and weeks have been hard. But I do believe that I am growing. Pain causes growth of character and soul if you allow it to do so. I'm trying so hard. I'm reading, I'm reading Mere Christianity right now. I don't know that I'd say I am a Christian, but the book is brilliant and applicable to so many things in life. It's one of those books that I want to keep reading, but I can only digest it in small doses, as if its too rich, too much to take in.

                            I should be good and ready for my pot roast tomorrow. I have been so nauseous all day I haven't eaten. I want to, but the thought makes me gag today.

                            I skipped my exercise today. Not proud of it, but laundry cleaning and giving my brain and soul a workout seemed to take precedence. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow.

                            I am planning on starting a new book shortly. Einstein's Dreams. Recommended by a friend. I'm looking forward to it. I'm also starting a budget, and putting together a new résumé. I took a few days off in a couple weeks to do some serious purging. Until then I will be cleaning house. Getting rid off all unneeded things. Lightening my load so to speak. In general, I am preparing for change. I'm hoping that if I am open to it, it will come. Maybe a move, a new job, a new environment, or maybe just internal changes, well and some sexier external changes too .

                            Either way I have to remember to breathe, to laugh, to be aware and let go of the things and people that have filled their purpose in my life. I don't know which are which yet, but it will become clearer as time goes on.

                            I am not labeled. I'm not depressed, crazy, beautiful, ugly, neurotic, I may have parts of all of these things, but I am just me. The version of me that I am and that I become is my choice. I'm not a victim of life, I am a participant in it. An important one I hope someday.

                            I do want love and companionship, but I'm realizing I can't seek it out, I can't wait for it, I can only hope that I will, by being myself, end up in the right place at the right time.

                            I am learning to surrender myself to a higher power. I always thought myself an agnostic, but it has been pointed out to me that the very beliefs I have and the way in which I live my live are contradictory to agnosticism and atheism. This is still something I am struggling with.

                            More than anything I am trying to improve, for my own sake and the sake of anyone who cares about me. I'm trying to not repeat patterns that have left me empty and alone for years. This last couple days has been a horrible failure in that respect. All I can do is start again right now. And if, and probably when, I mess up again... I'll try once more, and once more, and some day I might get it right.

                            This while crazy journey started with this lifestyle, with this forum. It's funny what something that seems so small when you start can lead to so many changes.

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                            • Hey Jena!

                              I just read the very first entry in your journal and I'm bummed that I can't read the rest right now but it's 7 am and I must get ready for work!
                              But I wanted to tell you I loved your first entry. You sound hopeful and realistic and though I am years older than you, you sound just like me when you talk about being a bit jealous of your friend who was having a baby but not knowing that you want one yourself and loving babysitting the girl next door but not really knowing if you want one yourself! I still have that mixture of feelings when my friends talk about their teenagers.
                              Anyway, I hope your journey has gone well so far. Can't wait to read the rest this evening.
                              As I was typing this, I just looked up and saw the ending paragraphs of your most recent entry. Hang in there. Change will happen and today is a new day.

                              Be kind to yourself!

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by atlantabebe View Post
                                Hey Jena!

                                I just read the very first entry in your journal and I'm bummed that I can't read the rest right now but it's 7 am and I must get ready for work!
                                But I wanted to tell you I loved your first entry. You sound hopeful and realistic and though I am years older than you, you sound just like me when you talk about being a bit jealous of your friend who was having a baby but not knowing that you want one yourself and loving babysitting the girl next door but not really knowing if you want one yourself! I still have that mixture of feelings when my friends talk about their teenagers.
                                Anyway, I hope your journey has gone well so far. Can't wait to read the rest this evening.
                                As I was typing this, I just looked up and saw the ending paragraphs of your most recent entry. Hang in there. Change will happen and today is a new day.

                                Be kind to yourself!
                                You may be a but let down.... it certainly had some ups and downs. I'm trying though! Thanks for the encouraging words. Starting the day, it's going to be a good one.... I will make it so!

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