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So happy to be home after a very unprimal weekend. I am having waves of nausea, anxiety, and just feel physically, emotionally, spiritually, and nutritionally empty. I need to go cook some healthy fatty primal food with some broccoli. I need a serious dose of micronutrients as well. But I just feel sick and weak. Dinner, I will make a good dinner. For now rest and football.
Posting this on my journal at the suggestion of a good friend. It may not be "primal" related, but it's life related. This is my part of an email exchange with this friend...
"The grass is always greener... and I've tried enough wieners to know. I made the vow that I will not have loveless sex again though. And I'm sticking to it. It isn't easy.
I'm not talking about romance. I'm talking about something deeper. Yes romance is part of that, but I DO UNDERSTAND that it's a small part. I look at my friend's marriages and they are based around getting the kids here and there, getting new cars, a bigger house, just someone to fill the empty space next to you in bed. THAT is not what I want.
I don't have a role model for a relationship. I want myself and the person I love to make our own rules. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Everything has a beginning and an end. I'm ready to be at the beginning. I can't make some plan or have an expectation of what it will be without the other half of the equation.
You may remember what it's like to be alone or lonely, but it's much different in your early 20's than in your early, nearing mid 30's. If you still are lonely, then you are definitely NOT a role model for a relationship I would want.
I would never place a personal ad. If I did, yes... I think my journal would be a good one. It's honest, raw, hopeful, depressing, and shows my strengths and weaknesses. In short, it's the real me, which is something that is constantly changing and evolving. I'm not fake, I don't hold back, and I would never pretend to be someone I'm not in the interest of attracting a man because he'd end up being the wrong one and I could miss out on the one that would love me for who I really am. I just know it's time. I feel ready again. Yes, parts of me are a confused mess, but my core values and my level of commitment to someone I love and that loves me back are unshakeable."
Today is supposed to be a super fun day, but I think I am maxed out social "fun". My weekends have been jam packed with social activities. I promised, so I have to rally and make it to this party. It's the U of M v MSU game... kind of a big deal here. I don't really care who wins honestly, I don't follow college football. Then I'm supposed to go to some Halloween party. I am definitely skipping that. All I want to do is hang out at home, go buy stuff for some good beef stew, and set up my new computer. My body hates me right now. I have been losing weight, and exercising, but not as consistently as I should be. I woke up this morning and all of my joints hurt, my lower back is killing me, my brain is all fuzzy. I'm not thinking clearly. One more party, one more because I promised then its time to nourish my body, mind, and soul. I need to eat, read, exercise, meditate. I'm grateful for the crazy past few weeks because its made me appreciate being alone, having down time. I've been so bummed out about being single lately. It never occurred to me to enjoy this time. To cherish it because, as much as I want to be in a relationship, I won't have all this time to myself. I feel like someone could come into my life any minute now too, so I better squeeze in all the "me time" I can now
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Happy to say that the party was very fun and I am glad I went. I'm also glad that I skipped out on the Halloween party and I'm wrapped up in a cozy blanket sipping a glass of Shiraz. I love my me time. I don't always want to be alone, but today... I'm happy
I am constantly reminded that life is short. I will not waste my time with fantasies, I will not waste my time on people that have no adventure in them. I will live every fucking moment like its the only one I have. If I want to go out, I will, if I want to curl up in blankets, I will, if I want to laugh, cry, bitch, be mean, be defensive... I fucking will. My heart might get broken, but at least I'm using it.
I can't sleep. I am restarting my primal adventure yet again, minus one of my biggest supporters. That's my fault. I can do this though. I'll cry and hate myself until I fall asleep and I'll wake up and start over. And I will do well, and get stronger, and I will prepare. Some people think I'm crazy. They may be right, but I like who I am. I'm not scared anymore. I'm excited for what may be. There have been two people in my life that I loved, and pushed away. Well I have pushed away many people, but only two that I was in love with. I'm beginning to realize that this happened for a reason. They weren't jerks, they are good men. Just not compatible with someone like me. Some people are scared of their feelings, scared to change. I've gone through more changes than I can list in the last year, hell, in the last month! It feels good, and it hurts. I can't be anything but who I am, I can learn and grow, and explore, but the core of myself will never change and I don't want it too. I was put on this earth for a reason... it's my job to figure out what that is.
Well I thought sleep would solve my heartache, then I thought a little sun and fresh air would. I can't eat, I just want to sleep for a few days. Sometimes I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be, like there is no doubt in my mind, and then there are days like today that make me feel I have done something wrong, like I have strayed off of my path simply by following my heart and speaking my mind. How can that be wrong? Maybe painful and wrong don't mean different things I suppose.