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  • I think you're being too hard on yourself. Everyone gets anxious when there is a risk of rejection. And I don't know many people who aren't impatient when they really like someone: we all want gratification; whatever that might be. What I'm learning is that maturity will help you see the difference between gratification, and what is right, and it will help you go with the better choices, thoughts and actions.

    I really feel you on the bad run of relationships. It is incredibly damaging... especially if you identify with being the victim. I think this is my problem: deep down I still believe that bad things are going to happen "to" me... because that's always the way it's been in the past. Then I continue to attract relationships that recreate (and reaffirm) this victim state... which makes me even more terrified of relationships, which blinds me and makes me more likely to make poor choices.

    Does this sound like you too?

    I'm coming to trust that I may have changed my pattern now though. At the end of last June, everything in my life started to change, and I began to do things differently... and that's when I started seeing my bf. We were friends for a few months before we got together, so we've only been 'together' for about three months. It's intense, overwhelming and absolutely terrifying, but there's something about him that makes me behave differently to previous relationships. (Still VERY early days though )

    Am I being different because he's a better fit, or did all of my life change because I became different? I believe it's a combo of the two. You seem to believe in the Universe as a force, and if so you probably understand that we co-create our realities. We get the right things at teh right time, but we have free will to do as we please.

    <3
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

    Comment


    • Well it doesn't matter now anyway. He canceled. Some vague busy excuse. And as much as I told myself it didn't matter and as much as I really believe it doesn't, it still hurts. And that sucks because I did everything right. I guess we can't change our nature only out behavior. I just give up on dating. It hurts too much. I'm not built for it. I have plenty of self improvement to keep me busy. I don't need a guy getting in the way.

      Comment


      • Is it possible that his reason for cancelling was legitimate?

        If you did everything right, and I believe you did, then his cancelling is absolutely NOT about you.
        Paleo Diet: 8-25-13 Wt: 185 BF% 27
        Primal Diet (Lower Fat/Carb): 9-27, Wt: 176.4
        Potato Hack Diet (Rotation): 11-12, Wt: 171.2
        Primal Diet (LF/C): 1-23-14, Wt: 159.6
        1-30-2014 - 157 (lowest weight since 2004)
        GAPS/SCD 12-29-2014
        CW: 164 GW: 130-135 CBF%: 24.38
        49 - 5'7.5"
        Macros (PFC) 30/40/30

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Jena View Post
          Well it doesn't matter now anyway. He canceled. Some vague busy excuse. And as much as I told myself it didn't matter and as much as I really believe it doesn't, it still hurts. And that sucks because I did everything right. I guess we can't change our nature only out behavior. I just give up on dating. It hurts too much. I'm not built for it. I have plenty of self improvement to keep me busy. I don't need a guy getting in the way.
          You're right. I didn't freak out on him or anything, so we'll see. I'm not holding my breath though. Just staying my course. I will post more later. Thanks

          Comment


          • Originally posted by MsSmith View Post
            Is it possible that his reason for cancelling was legitimate?

            If you did everything right, and I believe you did, then his cancelling is absolutely NOT about you.
            ^ I didn't mean to "quote" myself lol. Stupid phone.

            Comment


            • Sorry if my posting woke you up...?
              Paleo Diet: 8-25-13 Wt: 185 BF% 27
              Primal Diet (Lower Fat/Carb): 9-27, Wt: 176.4
              Potato Hack Diet (Rotation): 11-12, Wt: 171.2
              Primal Diet (LF/C): 1-23-14, Wt: 159.6
              1-30-2014 - 157 (lowest weight since 2004)
              GAPS/SCD 12-29-2014
              CW: 164 GW: 130-135 CBF%: 24.38
              49 - 5'7.5"
              Macros (PFC) 30/40/30

              Comment


              • Originally posted by MsSmith View Post
                Sorry if my posting woke you up...?
                Oh, not at all. I took tomorrow and Friday off a while back (my first 4 day weekend in years!) So I came home, my friend came over, we had a nice chat, then I, I guess just knowing I don't have to be up tomorrow, have been up and down all night. I am going grocery shopping tomorrow and doing some cleaning. I am upset about the guy, but there's nothing I can do. It happens. It gets me back on track and makes me realize I might not be meant for the couple thing, or the kids thing... just trying to go with life's stupid flow. Lol... see not bitter at all Just looking forward to getting some stuff done and relaxing. < Is that good faking? Because in reality, no matter how little I was invested I am crushed and hurt. But I'll suck it up and get over it.

                Comment


                • Thinking of you, sweets.
                  I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                  Comment


                  • I hope his reason was legitimate and that you soon find out that all of this angst was for naught. ♥
                    Paleo Diet: 8-25-13 Wt: 185 BF% 27
                    Primal Diet (Lower Fat/Carb): 9-27, Wt: 176.4
                    Potato Hack Diet (Rotation): 11-12, Wt: 171.2
                    Primal Diet (LF/C): 1-23-14, Wt: 159.6
                    1-30-2014 - 157 (lowest weight since 2004)
                    GAPS/SCD 12-29-2014
                    CW: 164 GW: 130-135 CBF%: 24.38
                    49 - 5'7.5"
                    Macros (PFC) 30/40/30

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                      Thinking of you, sweets.
                      Thanks I am fine. I mean he was nothing to me, but I am also so far from fine that it's ridiculous, lol. Thanks for your earlier post, you're awesome.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by MsSmith View Post
                        I hope his reason was legitimate and that you soon find out that all of this angst was for naught. ♥
                        Oh, I believe him. Just have to accept that I was possibly meant to be alone. Maybe it is going to free me up to save the world someday I can't believe how hard I tried not to care or get my hopes up about this guy and STILL failed miserably, lol. Oh well, it makes me feel pathetic and also makes me realize I may never be able to have a relationship. Some people just aren't made for them. Hugs to you!

                        Comment


                        • OK. Hugs back to ya!
                          Paleo Diet: 8-25-13 Wt: 185 BF% 27
                          Primal Diet (Lower Fat/Carb): 9-27, Wt: 176.4
                          Potato Hack Diet (Rotation): 11-12, Wt: 171.2
                          Primal Diet (LF/C): 1-23-14, Wt: 159.6
                          1-30-2014 - 157 (lowest weight since 2004)
                          GAPS/SCD 12-29-2014
                          CW: 164 GW: 130-135 CBF%: 24.38
                          49 - 5'7.5"
                          Macros (PFC) 30/40/30

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Jena View Post
                            makes me realize I might not be meant for the couple thing, or the kids thing...
                            Originally posted by Jena View Post
                            Just have to accept that I was possibly meant to be alone.

                            makes me realize I may never be able to have a relationship. Some people just aren't made for them.
                            Jena, I'm trying to be tactful here, but do you see that these are very negative thoughts? Just because your love life is not working out now does not mean it will never work out! You are thinking in absolutes as a way of protecting yourself, but the truth is that you have no idea what's going to happen in your life. You cant predict.

                            Believe me, I really, really understand how you feel. During my 3.5 years of being single I met so many guys, and literally every situation was worse than the last. Eventually I just took a break - I didnt even go on a date. I just focused on myself, and after six months, everything changed for me. I felt good, and felt ready to start dating again. The second guy I went on a date with my bf.

                            You really dont know how things are going to turn out, but if you feel like you're hitting a wall with this relationship stuff, then chances are you are blocking it in some way. You want it, but subconsciously you're afraid of it, so you only welcome situations that will not bring up your deepest fears. Believe me - I understand!

                            If I was you I would take a break from the guy thing for a while. It seems like it is bringing you down, and impeding your progress.

                            Allocate a decent period of time to yourself where you are going to learn to love being single. You deserve to love your own company, and to embrace your life.

                            Fall in love with the present moment.
                            "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

                            In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

                            - Ray Peat

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by YogaBare View Post
                              Jena, I'm trying to be tactful here, but do you see that these are very negative thoughts? Just because your love life is not working out now does not mean it will never work out! You are thinking in absolutes as a way of protecting yourself, but the truth is that you have no idea what's going to happen in your life. You cant predict.

                              Believe me, I really, really understand how you feel. During my 3.5 years of being single I met so many guys, and literally every situation was worse than the last. Eventually I just took a break - I didnt even go on a date. I just focused on myself, and after six months, everything changed for me. I felt good, and felt ready to start dating again. The second guy I went on a date with my bf.

                              You really dont know how things are going to turn out, but if you feel like you're hitting a wall with this relationship stuff, then chances are you are blocking it in some way. You want it, but subconsciously you're afraid of it, so you only welcome situations that will not bring up your deepest fears. Believe me - I understand!

                              If I was you I would take a break from the guy thing for a while. It seems like it is bringing you down, and impeding your progress.

                              Allocate a decent period of time to yourself where you are going to learn to love being single. You deserve to love your own company, and to embrace your life.

                              Fall in love with the present moment.

                              I appreciate your response and agree that I am being negative. I am spouting off thinking that is in terms of absolutes to dull the pain a little. Its not about this guy. Its about me, I understand that. And you're right. I have learned to be single. After the guy I lived with I was single for about 3 years. I got to a point where it didn't bother me at all and I was very content with being alone. When I dated the last one, whom I met about a year ago, for only four months I was still alone all the time. We had very hectic schedules and only saw each other about once per week. I am comfortable alone, I know how to be alone, and yes, on some level I am probably the one doing things subconsciously to keep myself alone.

                              I am upset right now because I recognized those patterns. I recognized that I would be overly aggressive and needy, I would be impatient and demanding, and when they ran off, as they should have, I would bask in the comfort that "men are assholes" and eat chocolate. The last few months I have really been trying to change. To improve myself. When I met this guy I said to myself that I would not do anything like that. I didn't. Same result. I'm not saying he'll never call or reschedule, I am just saying that it knocked the wind out of my sails that even when I played it totally cool, I did not act like classic "me" and I still feel like I did something wrong.

                              I am apparently going to take a break from the guy thing for a while whether I want to or not. I am not gorgeous. I am short and not even close to thin, my face is scarred up. I am somewhat crazy, in the goofy way I mean, which is NOT a defense mechanism, its just part of my personality but I don't act like a "lady" which many guys don't like. My point is that its not like I am getting interest shown everyday, I rarely find guys that show interest in me at all, so when one does I get nervous and fuck it up. I was very careful not to do that this time. And, I didn't. I was happy and proud of myself. So that made the cancelation hurt even more. I'm not saying I will never hear from him, I don't know, I am just saying that these events are few and far between. I am not the type of girl that guys date, I am the type of girl that guys call at 1 a.m. I am not letting them get away with that stuff anymore, I am not allowing myself to be used anymore. I guess, for once, I would like to be someone that someone was proud to be dating. He seemed to show that kind of interest, like he... ugh I don't know how to explain it.

                              I don't even know what I am saying really. I can't get over the weirdness of being home on a weekday!

                              I did text dude last night. Just a little joking text to let him know I was not upset with him and that the lines of communication were still open, I just said "See I stay up late once in a while... when I don't have to be up early. Good luck on your quiz tomorrow!" So I am doing my best to stay positive. That's it I will leave it to him now. If I hear from him fine, if not. Okay.
                              I can't control anything and like you said I can't predict anything. I can, however, enjoy my weekend off, I will be alone the whole time, so I can get stuff done and practice being positive about things when the truth is I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying all day. I don't know why I feel that way, its not justified, but that's how I feel. I am trying very hard to learn to live in the present moment. I am failing, but am trying.

                              Comment


                              • Oh, and Yogabear... don't worry about being tactful. You can say anything you want to me and your honesty is appreciated. No need to sugar coat anything for me. If I get defensive or say something that is self-pitying and whiny... please feel free to call me on that stuff. I am a little weak right now, I am bending, but I won't break.

                                Comment

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