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Primal Journal of a lifelong seeker... phaselow

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  • Primal Journal of a lifelong seeker... phaselow

    Here goes:

    Since the age of 15 I have been gauging my self-worth on my appearance; my weight, specifically. Where it all comes from I don't know. What I do know is that, at age 47, I'd like to make some permanent changes. I've come a long way since my teen years, but that love/hate relationship with food still exists. I was an eating disorder child of the 1980s (anorexia, then bulimia for 20 years), and replaced bulimia with chronic cardio and fasting about 10 years ago to deal with the binges. Not much healthier of a way to live, that's for sure. It has led to choices of isolation from friends and from my spouse as I hide to continue my love affair with sugar. On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person. Oh, am I an actress or what???

    Not sure anyone is going to read this, and honestly that is not my goal. I'm not a comic, nor am I particularly insightful or schooled in Primal Living. This is a beginning for me; another beginning. I've given myself "Day One" or "First day of the rest of my life" so many times it isn't funny. However, the past 2 months have been both eye opening and difficult.

    I started my PB journey in July 2012 during a trip to South Dakota, Wyoming and Colorado. I ate a ton of beef and few carbs on that trip (cattle country!) and felt FANTASTIC. Tons of energy and greatly reduced bloating. Despite eating out most every evening and sitting in cars for hours at a time, I lost weight and slept well. It made me think, led me to the computer to research, and resulted in me being here laying myself for whatever comes next.

    Since cheating and hiding are main stumbling blocks to getting better, I am going to use this journal to post what I am eating and how I am staying physically active. I have a private journal, but "private" means I have nobody to hold me accountable. That, my friends, will be your job if you choose to view my journal. I thank you ahead of time.
    sigpic
    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

  • #2
    Today (avoiding calling it Day One):

    IF between 7PM-11AM except for decaf BP coffee with ghee and coconut milk

    lunch: large raw red/white cabbage salad, 1/2 avocado, 1/2 c honey roasted cashews, 1/4 c raisins and a bacon grease/EVOO/cider vinegar vinaigrette. 2T peanut butter and 2T honey.

    I know the peanut butter/honey are not what I want to be eating. For some reason it sounded so good, and it was. At least it wasn't spread on any carb (just right on the spoon).

    dinner: very small piece of chicken breast (glazed with Mark's glaze from the BBQ drumstick recipe last month), a few bites of watermelon and 1/4 c full fat cottage cheese. It was the first time I had eaten cottage cheese since July, and it was so salty I tossed it after a few bites. I really don't eat fruit at all anymore.

    I went to the gym this morning and did 50 minutes of metabolic conditioning and strength training. I had a fight with the vegetable peeler last night (damn kohlrabi) and managed to slice a huge flap on my middle finger. I'm amazed at how useful my middle finger is to every day life. It made gripping weights and kettle bells quite difficult.

    All in all, pretty good day. I have to give up my organic honey roasted cashews. They are gone now, so I will avoid buying them again. They really do add a great taste to salad, but I eat far more than I should. Typically, I eat raw macadamias or pine nuts.

    This is the second year that I will be avoiding caramel apples. I *love* caramel apples. Thankfully, I only eat organic apples and organic caramel apples are much harder to find. One day I will treat myself to one, and probably wonder why I ever had the obsession.

    I do have a goal weight of 115lbs. That is about 5lbs from what I weigh now, but those extra 5 feel like 25 on my frame.

    Stress level is moderate. Having a special needs child (Autism; age 11) and a rocky marriage (25 yrs together; married 18) are taking its toll these days. At my husband's request, I've eliminated a lot of my outside activities to focus on my marriage; but I think that was a bad idea. Now, I am bored and feeling quite unproductive. I used to foster dogs, help run a food pantry, serve as a parent liaison for the SpEd department in our district and chair our Homework Club at the middle school. Got to talk to my husband about putting something back in my life or I will go berserk. When I am bored, I eat.
    sigpic
    Age 48
    Start date: 7-5-12
    5'3"
    121lbs
    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
    Henri Frederic Amiel

    Comment


    • #3
      Today:

      IF until 12:30 with just decaf BP coffee (ghee and coconut milk). I am starting to love my morning BP coffee time! The kids are now all on the bus by 7:15am so I get some time to relax before starting my *stuff*.

      Lunch: Large bowl sauteed mixed vegetables from the co-op, 1/2 avocado and a few raw macadamias.

      Snack: Majority of a large PrimalPac (beef jerky, mango, nuts). 20g protein, 10g carbs

      Dinner: chicken (white/dark meat)

      The kids had some ice cream tonight after dinner (I buy ice cream that has only a few ingredients to make myself feel better). I dug the last scoop out and licked what was left on the spoon. Almost kept going, but did not. Yay, me!

      I'm up to about 119.5# and feel bloated. I need to take a look at counting carbs. A big part of my problem is being home much of the day. I need to get that job or that big volunteer opportunity back. Nothing good happens when I am stuck at home and unhappy.
      sigpic
      Age 48
      Start date: 7-5-12
      5'3"
      121lbs
      GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


      "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
      Henri Frederic Amiel

      Comment


      • #4
        Today:

        Same old IF except for decaf BP coffee with ghee/heavy whipping cream

        Went to gym today for my metabolic conditioning- strength training class. 50 mins of kettle bells, jump squats, weights, push ups, etc. Felt good.

        Lunch: 2c broccoli/cauliflower/bacon salad from deli. Dressing was too sugary sweet (mayo base) but I ate it. Also had 1/4 c of raw pine nuts and raisins plus 1T peanut butter. Why I am eating peanut butter is unknown. I'm not too big of a fan.

        Snack: Couple oz of really dark chocolate (99%). Somebody else was talking about their dark chocolate and it got me thinking. Put it in a bowl with 1/2 c shredded unsweetened coconut flakes and chowed down.

        Dinner: 1/2 c cottage cheese. I felt like I needed to finish the container. Still too salty for me after not eating it since July. I won't be buying more. Ate some chicken breast, too. Felt pretty full.

        Ran 4 miles on the treadmill. Felt like I needed to sweat and it was so windy outside I didn't want to run against it. 2 minutes very fast walk/5 mins moderate run for 60 minutes. My femur didn't ache. I think I have found my sweet spot for running frequency at 2x/week. Pray that it stays that way. My knee or hip have a tendency to act up on me after a few months of running. Last time I had to take 5 months off but I was running more frequently.

        Helped my daughter make some oreo cookie balls for her football buddy (she's a cheerleader). I had no interest in eating it. Yuck.
        sigpic
        Age 48
        Start date: 7-5-12
        5'3"
        121lbs
        GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


        "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
        Henri Frederic Amiel

        Comment


        • #5
          And today:

          IF with decaf coffee (1/2 decaf and half ground cacao) with 1t ghee/1T heavy cream

          lunch: 3c broccoli slaw salad with raw pinenuts/raisins and a warm vinaigrette of bacon grease/EVOO/cider vinegar/soy free mayo

          snack: large Primal Pac (48g protein/28g carbs)

          dinner: large piece braised chuck roast, broccoli, red pepper, carrots, onion

          I have this drive to eat between 12-3PM. It can be insatiable! I think I am bored.

          No work out today. I thought I'd take a day off since I woke up with Achilles pain. It went away after a few hours but I decided to listen to my body. Did a ton of laundry if that counts!

          Noticed today that my arms are looking pretty strong. I'm happy. I lost a lot of definition during my Feb-July exercise 'vacation'. Made me feel good, since I've been pretty blah lately.
          sigpic
          Age 48
          Start date: 7-5-12
          5'3"
          121lbs
          GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


          "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
          Henri Frederic Amiel

          Comment


          • #6
            September 21st

            IF from about 6PM-11:30AM except for my decaf coffee with ghee/heavy cream

            Did strength training this morning for 50 mins. I was not feeling it today.

            Lunch: lunch date cancelled on me. Rats. I was looking forward to a restaurant made omelet. Instead, I had:

            Bag of broccoli slaw with raw pine nuts, raisins and 1/3 avocado. I made a vinaigrette of warm bacon grease/evoo/mayo/cider vinegar. Chowed down on a large handful of dark chocolate chips while I was waiting. They were taunting me.

            Dinner:

            Large piece of yesterday's pot roast with homemade gravy, 1/2 of a gargantuan roasted kabocha squash with tons of ghee. I OD'd on that one. Had to wash it down with a bite of my daughter's oreo cookie ball because she was begging me to try it before she gave them to her football buddy (she's a cheerleader). Woah, was that sweet.

            Nothing to report today. Talked to my husband about (him) going part time at work while I go to school for 1-2 years. He didn't say "No."
            sigpic
            Age 48
            Start date: 7-5-12
            5'3"
            121lbs
            GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


            "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
            Henri Frederic Amiel

            Comment


            • #7
              Going to school? Awesome! For what and where at?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DreamHealth View Post
                Going to school? Awesome! For what and where at?
                Initially, I toyed with law school. Realistically, I'm probably going to get an Associate Paralegal degree. I typically don't mind being the person who does all the work yet reaps no (public) glory. Chalk it up to 25 yrs living with a busy, successful MD and 3 kids!
                sigpic
                Age 48
                Start date: 7-5-12
                5'3"
                121lbs
                GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


                "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
                Henri Frederic Amiel

                Comment


                • #9
                  [QUOTE=PHaselow;955591]Here goes:

                  Since the age of 15 I have been gauging my self-worth on my appearance; my weight, specifically. Where it all comes from I don't know. What I do know is that, at age 47, I'd like to make some permanent changes. I've come a long way since my teen years, but that love/hate relationship with food still exists. I was an eating disorder child of the 1980s (anorexia, then bulimia for 20 years), and replaced bulimia with chronic cardio and fasting about 10 years ago to deal with the binges. Not much healthier of a way to live, that's for sure. It has led to choices of isolation from friends and from my spouse as I hide to continue my love affair with sugar. On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person. Oh, am I an actress or what???

                  Not sure anyone is going to read this, and honestly that is not my goal. "

                  I'm reading this and understand to some degree. I've never had a defined eating disorder but my view of food is not orderly. I was a fat child who was bullied ALL through grade school. It was horrible and the invisible scars are still there. So I understand gauging oneself on appearance.

                  This line "On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person" fits me to a T. So..you're FAR from alone. Just wanted to say that. Thanks for dropping by my journal.

                  Babs
                  SBF% 20.5
                  CBF% 20.0
                  Goal....14%

                  Muscle weighs more than fat and scales are evil.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    [QUOTE=Trojan;960015]
                    Originally posted by PHaselow View Post

                    I'm reading this and understand to some degree. I've never had a defined eating disorder but my view of food is not orderly. I was a fat child who was bullied ALL through grade school. It was horrible and the invisible scars are still there. So I understand gauging oneself on appearance.

                    This line "On the outside, everyone believes I am this confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person" fits me to a T. So..you're FAR from alone. Just wanted to say that. Thanks for dropping by my journal.

                    Babs
                    I know you!

                    I was also teased as a child by both my dad (nice teasing, but still teasing) and by kids in grade school about my eating (dad) and my weight (kids). I was not even heavy, that is what kills me! Just a healthy kid that never went through a scrawny phase (my father was a pediatrician so we have all the records; I was 50th percentile). Boy, the damage people can do.

                    I created this strong exterior. When I could not keep up the charade, I just didn't show up. Lots of isolation. Bulimia is horrible that way. I will say that, as my recovery continues, I do realize I actually AM a confident, strong, athletic, intelligent person. I just have a few flaws. Learning to love my flaws!

                    Thanks for dropping by *my* journal!

                    Checking in here literally made me stop myself today. I was going to finish the frozen custard my kids and their friends brought home. I tossed it instead. Yay.

                    Lunch:

                    BIG plate of gluten free pancakes with lots of butter. I've been needing carbs lately.
                    Last edited by PHaselow; 11-13-2012, 10:30 AM.
                    sigpic
                    Age 48
                    Start date: 7-5-12
                    5'3"
                    121lbs
                    GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


                    "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
                    Henri Frederic Amiel

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Skipped a day:

                      I can't even list the food I ate yesterday. It is all a blur. I was with non-Primal friends and family all day and decided to just roll with it. I ate a ton of food, mostly Primal at first. Then the frozen custard stand appeared on the horizon and I found SAD Jesus.

                      I wasn't mad at myself for going overboard. I don't look back and say I binged or I lost control. I just made the choice to stuff my face with crap yesterday. I stayed gluten free (I think). Frozen custard, tons of smoked salmon, steak, honey roasted nuts galore, M&Ms, peanut butter/chocolate things, etc. Listing it all out now I feel sick! I don't even like M&Ms.

                      Man, do I feel like shit today! I slept poorly. My taste buds feel dead. My gut is not happy and I really do feel depressed and/or agitated. Weird.

                      I am going to fast today. Enjoying a cup of decaf coffee with a small amount of ghee/heavy cream, though. If I get super hungry later then I will eat. But, for now, I feel like I need some detox.

                      On a happy note, my husband agreed to getting another foster dog! I haven't had one in the house since June. Jett, the 4 month old black lab mix, comes on Wednesday from down south. He will be very temporary, as we think he has a home waiting for him in Madison. I am psyched! Husband just asked me if I want to go walk the dog (our dog). Uh-oh. It usually means he wants to talk. Let's hope he wants to tell me how lovely I am.

                      What I learned from yesterday is that eating SAD isn't worth it. Just isn't.

                      What I am also realizing while journaling is that I did indeed lose control. Damn journal!

                      Today is a new day.
                      sigpic
                      Age 48
                      Start date: 7-5-12
                      5'3"
                      121lbs
                      GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


                      "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
                      Henri Frederic Amiel

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well i guess we're just going for progress and not perfection, and that's okay. I don't know about anyone else, but I certainly appreciate the honesty. I'm impressed with your ability to just "stay calm and carry on" so to speak by deciding to fast today and take care of yourself, as opposed to saying "blew it, I'll start again Monday".

                        Take care!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Yesterday, reviewed:

                          I felt very drained and agitated until about Noon. Busy Sunday with the kids didn't make for much fun.

                          I wasn't a bit hungry until about 6PM. I ate a few bites of a cabbage salad and tasted the (totally kick-ass) lamb tagine I made for Monday's dinner. No interest in eating. It wasn't a forced fast, just not hungry. That is a change for me. Typically, I would restrict myself out of punishment. Yesterday was more along the lines of intuitive eating. I like that! Yay, me.

                          I'm still not too hungry this morning. I had a BP coffee (ghee/heavy cream; only about a generous tsp of each) but I think I'll hold off until after I get back from the gym.

                          Trying to get in to see the chiropractor before my strength class. My scoliosis (S curve) has been bugging me since I flew in an airline seat for 4 hours that would not recline. I'm short, so the seat fits me in such a way that my head is pitched forward. My neck/back have been getting progressively worse for the past month. Yesterday I noticed my ulnar nerve is now numbing up my pinky and palm. I remember those days from cycling without gloves. Forearm also sore. Time for some serious adjustment! Today I will watch what I lift; probably go quite easy. Curses.
                          sigpic
                          Age 48
                          Start date: 7-5-12
                          5'3"
                          121lbs
                          GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


                          "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
                          Henri Frederic Amiel

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by PHaselow View Post
                            Skipped a day:

                            I can't even list the food I ate yesterday. It is all a blur. I was with non-Primal friends and family all day and decided to just roll with it. I ate a ton of food, mostly Primal at first. Then the frozen custard stand appeared on the horizon and I found SAD Jesus.

                            I wasn't mad at myself for going overboard. I don't look back and say I binged or I lost control. I just made the choice to stuff my face with crap yesterday. I stayed gluten free (I think). Frozen custard, tons of smoked salmon, steak, honey roasted nuts galore, M&Ms, peanut butter/chocolate things, etc. Listing it all out now I feel sick! I don't even like M&Ms.

                            Man, do I feel like shit today! I slept poorly. My taste buds feel dead. My gut is not happy and I really do feel depressed and/or agitated. Weird.

                            I am going to fast today. Enjoying a cup of decaf coffee with a small amount of ghee/heavy cream, though. If I get super hungry later then I will eat. But, for now, I feel like I need some detox.

                            On a happy note, my husband agreed to getting another foster dog! I haven't had one in the house since June. Jett, the 4 month old black lab mix, comes on Wednesday from down south. He will be very temporary, as we think he has a home waiting for him in Madison. I am psyched! Husband just asked me if I want to go walk the dog (our dog). Uh-oh. It usually means he wants to talk. Let's hope he wants to tell me how lovely I am.

                            What I learned from yesterday is that eating SAD isn't worth it. Just isn't.

                            What I am also realizing while journaling is that I did indeed lose control. Damn journal!

                            Today is a new day.
                            Ahhh ..I feel your pain. Nothing like a day of SAD gluttony to make us run back for our clean healthy eats. If I never see another peanut butter cup, it will be too soon. Bleech! Do you often catch cold or feel sick after a day back on the SAD diet? I really do!

                            B
                            SBF% 20.5
                            CBF% 20.0
                            Goal....14%

                            Muscle weighs more than fat and scales are evil.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Back for another dose of accountability:

                              IF until about 11AM except for decaf with small amount of ghee/heavy whipping cream

                              Lunch:
                              Huge salad of broccoli slaw with 1/2 avocado, raisins/raw pine nuts and 1T macadamia oil
                              8-10 raw macadamias

                              snack:
                              Large PrimalPac (jerky/mango only; didn't feel like eating nuts)

                              another snack:
                              4 oz left over sirloin with 2T butter
                              2oz dark chocolate (70% and 99% mix)

                              dinner:

                              kick ass lamb tagine!

                              I have been taking probiotics (now Florajen3) for several months now. Trying to do it daily. I'm certainly dealing with candida from my sugar habit. Also taking 5000 IU D3 and 1 wild Oil of Oregano capsule for the short term to hopefully keep me from getting the nasty cold my husband caught.

                              Feeling OK. Had the energy to go for a 3.8 mile run with intermittent sprints in addition to my 50 minute work out class. I didn't lift as much as I normally do because my neck is still bugging me. At least yesterday I had feeling in my right pinky! That's an improvement.
                              sigpic
                              Age 48
                              Start date: 7-5-12
                              5'3"
                              121lbs
                              GOAL: to live to be a healthy and active 100


                              "In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties."
                              Henri Frederic Amiel

                              Comment

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