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Accountability Journal - sarasue

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  • Accountability Journal - sarasue

    Hello gentle grokkers,

    I'm starting this journal because I need some primal accountability. I've been 50/50 for two years and about 50/50 low carb for several years before that. I'm a sugar addict and a (highly stressed) PhD student. I've been a lurker for so long that I know what I'm doing wrong and at this point don't think I really need hacked. What I really need is willpower.

    Starting weight 190 lbs (unless my scale is 10 lbs off, which I'm beginning to think it might be).
    Dress size 14-16.
    Height 5'4"
    Energy middling: I often take a nap during the day.
    Hunger middling: I'm not often truly hungry. But I stress eat and addict eat. I can tell the difference between the two types of bad eating.
    Stress very high: 1 year into PhD program so this isn't going away soon. I teach 2 daytime classes and I take 3 night classes.

    So there's my first post disclaimer! On to the journal:

    Morning Walk: ~3 miles around a lake whilst chatting with a friend. - After coffee, before eggs. Usually I do this fasted but I felt really tired when I woke up today. (Night class last night.)

    Brekkie: Surprise! Double-yolked egg (local, organic). Over-easy with organic CSA box carmelized onion in organic (but probably not pastured) butter. Coffee and local pastured heavy cream. Medium-sized dollop of maple syrup.

    Double Egg.jpg

    Lunch: Wally world rotisserie chicken (ugh, I know) 1 leg and 1 thigh. 3 freshly juiced oranges = 1 cup of orange juice (sugary, I know, but I'm working down from a SERIOUS sugar addiction)

    1.5 hour nap

    Dinner: Pre-class/mid-afternoon - 1/2 cup of whole milk cottage cheese, 2-3 picked bites of chicken.
    During class (night class = 6-9 p.m.): 1/2 rotisserie chicken breast dipped in leftover Arby's sauce and horsey sauce. Wouldn't be so bad except prof. brought homemade cranberry loaf and blueberry muffins to class. 2 slices cranberry loaf and 1 muffin. 1 bottle of Perrier.

    2 bites of dark chocolate.

    Not a great day, but not a total disaster either. No processed foods (unless you count the chicken) no ice cream shakes or preservative-laden breads. I wasn't hungry during the day, probably didn't eat enough/enough fat which is probably why I overdid it when faced with temptation at night. Small steps.
    Last edited by sarasue624; 09-14-2012, 10:11 PM.

  • #2
    Hello gentle grokkers,

    Well, today's going to be crazy. So, I'll post what I intend to do and then we'll see if it happens! Let's just assume everything I post is organic unless I specify it's not.

    Brekkie: 1 onion, 1 roasted green pepper caramelized in butter topped with 1 over-easy egg. Coffee with cream and a medium dollop of maple syrup.

    Late Lunch: Taco salad with leftover Wally-World chicken. (Ugh.): 1/2 avocado, cheddar slice, just enough refried beans to hold salad together (anyone know a sub?), salsa, black olives, iceberg lettuce, sour cream, tomatoes. Unfortunately to pick up my avocado I had to go to HyVee hungry which resulted in a local dairy's little chocolate milk instead of Perrier to drink!

    1st Aqua-vortex swim class!

    Dinner: I'm headed out to the bar with friends. It might be alcohol for dinner, but maybe we'll stop somewhere between swim class and the bar. Am mentally preparing myself not to overdo it.

    Update: Dinner ended up being a frozen meal Chili Relleno (not terrible, but it is a boxed meal), 5 dark chocolate pomegranate candies, Perrier, 2 Rum and Cokes, 1/2 a Gin and Tonic, and a water with lime.

    Analysis: No beer, but I need to figure out what I can drink with my rum! The sugar monster is still with me, obviously.
    Last edited by sarasue624; 09-14-2012, 07:21 AM.


    • #3
      Hello gentle grokkers,

      today ought to be a fully primal day until I hit 5:00 at which time I have a department gathering and another social night house party after. I have no idea what kind of food will be around at the department gathering, but I hope it doesn't tempt me too much! I'm planning to load up on good foods all day so that I won't be hungry come 5.

      Also, I am currently roasting 8 large bell peppers in my oven. Yeah for roasted red peppers with my eggs all next week!


      Brekkie: Coffee w/cream and a small dollop of maple syrup (weaning myself down on the maple syrup). Hot dog (nitrate free, organic, pastured) in butter.

      Zumba class! Water. Stepped on the scale at the gym and it said 189 - same as my scale at home. So, I guess I can trust my scale at home. So much for the 10 pounds off wishful thinking!

      Late lunch: Humongo serving (2 cups at least) of the leftover taco chicken salad from yesterday. Perrier.
      Last edited by sarasue624; 09-14-2012, 10:08 PM.


      • #4
        Hello gentle grokkers,

        let's survey tonight's damage:

        - I took a nap after lunch instead of being productive.
        - I went to the department gathering and ate:
        *bits of specialty cheese, a diet coke, Tablespoon hummus, 3 pita chips, 4 creampuffs - 1 of which was dipped in chocolate, goat cheese/red pepper jelly on 2 crackers, a square of traditional cake w/icing (which wasn't even very good)
        - Then I went to the house after-party and ate:
        *a turkey lunchmeat and artichoke tomato antipasto sandwich (yes, on 2 slices of bread), a small slice of pizza, 3 chips with guacamole, two bites of sugared trail mix, a dessert pizza stick, a margarita flavored cooler, a glass of 2/3 white wine 1/3 club soda

        It's damage, for sure. However, it's not as bad as I forsee it having been if I hadn't eaten that big late lunch. I love my departmental friends to death but they are definitely foodies and the food is always awesome. There are things I could have done tonight to make what I ate more primal. I did not do them. Why did I not do them? What is my mental hold-up?


        • #5
          Hello gentle grokkers,

          I was gentle on myself all week but now I can say: I suck. I spent all day at home on my butt revising work for exams and I did not make 1 single decently primal meal. The culprit? A loaf of bread and starbucks frappucinos I brought home from the after party last night.

          Today I had 3 sandwhiches and 3 frapucinos. Yup, brekkie, lunch and dinner. Now what I put between those slices of bread was excellent - organic turkey lunchmeat, roasted red peppers, cream cheese, artichoke tomato antipasto. Yummo. I should have rolled all that up in a piece of lettuce. But I didn't.

          Oh, and I had a piece of toast with jam and butter.

          Time to get the bread OUT of the apartment! This is the most bread I have eaten in one day in I-can't-remember-how-long while sitting on my couch typing on my laptop. I put in a 13 hour day so far today. Needless to say with all that sugar and caffeine, no naps and no exercise today. Lots of stress though.

          I look forward to tomorrow, however. I'm going with a primally friendly friend out to a lake and we are going to grill ourselves up some steak! That should keep me off the bread just fine. (I hope.)


          • #6
            Hello gentle grokkers,

            this morning I stuck the bread in the freezer

            Brekkie: the last frapucino, 2 pieces of bacon, in the grease 1 onion and 1 small, purple potato (hash), threw an egg on top and covered the skillet to steam it. This is a new breakfast recipe for me. The egg turned out perfectly. However the potatoes are... al dente. I'll wait a few minutes before I throw the egg on top next time!

            Spent a lovely 3 hours at the lake walking around and grilling:

            Lunch: Steak! Grilled zuchinni and summer sqush and onions too. Grilled it all in butter. A tiny bit of sriracha sauce on top. Oh my. Bottle of Perrier.

            Coffee with cream and a bit of maple syrup.

            And then all hell broke loose.

            I wasn't hungry for supper, so I hadn't eaten anything when 8:00 rolled around...

            Margarita cooler
            Egg in a hole
            Grape-nuts with cream and maple syrup.

            Last edited by sarasue624; 09-16-2012, 08:15 PM.


            • #7
              Hello gentle grokkers,

              lovely 3-mile walk around the lake with a friend this morning.

              Brekkie: Coffee w/cream and a bit of maple syrup. I'm not really hungry this morning - gut is upset with me (stupid Grape-nuts).

              Lunch: Arby's with a friend. I'm planning to pick off the bun but eat some curly fries. If I'm really good I'll get unsweetened tea or bring Perrier. If I'm really bad I'll get a Jamocha shake :0

              Night class: I'm in a group designated to bring chocolate-themed food to class. I volunteered for hot chocolate - thinking that I'll be able to resist drinking that fairly easily and can leave the leftover packets in the breakroom. We'll see if I can stay away from the lovely chocolate concoctions my group members show up with.

              When and what am I going to have for dinner?

              Update: Lunch: Arby's ended up being 2 sandwiches combined into 1 bun and curly fries with a diet coke. So not great, but no Jamocha shake. I really wanted to get a salad to put the meat of one salad on, but then when looking at the salad choices (and prices) chickened out. HOWEVER, I spent the afternoon with a really chill friend and her newborn and I have lost about 1/3 of the stress I did have. Hanging out with her made me not return to my apartment before dinnertime - which I had to pick up and eat, literally, on the way to class.

              Dinner: Jr. Whopper and Frozen Frappucino (facepalm - but it got me through class, and I was presenting, so that's important) 1 piece of fudge, 1 piece of fancy chocolate during break time in class.

              Well, today was a wash. Lower stress but worse food. I'm shooting for better food tomorrow.
              Last edited by sarasue624; 09-17-2012, 07:38 PM.


              • #8
                Hello gentle grokkers,

                it'd better be a fully primal day today.

                Brekkie: 1/2 leftover grilled zuchinni, 1/2 leftover grilled summer squash, 1 lil onion chopped and sauteed in butter topped with a steamed egg. Tried bulletproof coffee. I don't know how y'all afford to use that much butter! I definitely didn't put enough in and so made up the difference in heavy cream. No maple syrup!

                Late lunch: I feel freakin' fantastic! Another bulletproof coffee - more butter this time 1 slice of low carb high protein bread w/cream cheese and a roasted red pepper. (I'm allowed to have 1 slice of the special bread per day until I'm out - I'm poor.) I need more food...

                Took a 40 min. nap.

                Late lunch take 2: 1.5 chicken sausages, rest of bulletproof coffee, Perrier.

                Night class! Night class damage: 4 specialty chocolates. Hey, hey, not bad!

                But now it's 10:15 p.m. and I'm hungry. I have 1/2 a chicken sausage, but that really doesn't sound good. I don't know what sounds good. I have plenty of food. Maybe I'll go get some lunchmeat chicken.

                10:45 snack: turkey lunchmeat w/ tomato artichoke antipasto. Hits the spot!
                Last edited by sarasue624; 09-18-2012, 08:50 PM.


                • #9
                  Hello gentle grokkers,

                  Slept with the screen door open last night and I woke almost cold! It's been a rough summer so I'm glad fall's coming.

                  Lovely fasted 3 mile walk around a lake with a friend this morning.

                  Brekkie: 4 warm tomatoes with melted chevre. Lovely.

                  2012-06-19 09.21.36.jpg

                  Espresso w/coconut oil, heavy cream, bit of maple syrup - I should probably say that all of my "coffee" is actually a mug's worth of espresso.

                  I feel great this morning, even though little cat woke me at 5:30, 6:00, and 6:30.

                  Lunch: 1/2 can leftover refried beans (no ucky stuff in there... except that it's beans and that's a no no, but not a huge no no so I'm eating the leftovers) with sour cream, the tomato guts from this morning, the leftover 1/2 chicken sausage from last night, some pinched TacoBell taco sauce (2 packets) and plantain chips - no sugar added. That takes care of my Tex-Mex craving for the day!

                  2 hour nap.

                  Woke up feeling not-so-good. Ugh. Was it the nap or the beans and plantains? I'm thinking twas the beans. Dang it. I really need to eat an early supper before night-class tonight but cannot force myself. I realize I'm setting myself up to eat whatever baked treats my prof brings in. I'll take lunch-meat and Perrier with me and hope for the best.

                  Damage from night class: Ate my lunch meat, I think about 4 oz. in the classroom before class. Ate 2 small shortbread cookies and 7 pieces of assorted fruit with my bottle of Perrier during class.

                  $ Pint night: 2 hours after class at the bar - 1 pint of wheat beer. I could have had something else, but really, for a buck there wasn't much else that was worth it. The destress with friends is worth the beer, I think.

                  All that sugar has left me HONGRY at 11:30 p.m.! Uh oh. I've saved my 1 slice of bread/day for just this situation so I'm making toast that I will have with butter, and maybe a little smear of jam.

                  The beans have definitely let me know that I was a stupid girl for eating them. Beans from a can are off my list!
                  Last edited by sarasue624; 09-19-2012, 09:34 PM.


                  • #10
                    Hello gentle grokkers,

                    now I remember what I had intended to do yesterday instead of take a nap - go to the co-op and pick up some cream! Ooops. So I have no dairy cream which means I put a bit of canned coconut milk in my coffee this morning. It's fine. But it's only just fine - I don't particularly like coconut milk in my coffee! So, I made a large breakfast to make up for that and hold me until 2, at least, I'd like to be able to skip lunch entirely today.

                    Brekkie: Coffee with coconut milk and a bit of maple syrup. 2 steamed eggs atop 2 pieces of bacon, 1/2 a small zucchini, 1/2 a small summer squash, 1 small red onion.

                    Sweet Potato! Chopped and sauteed in butter.

                    My slap-chop has been indispensable this morning

                    Taught. Went to Wally-World.

                    Late late lunch: Can I just sing the praises of Wally-World sushi for a moment? I lurv Wally-World sushi more than AV that is high and Dilly-world's sushi. I only ever eat the salmon lovers plate and that is what I have just eaten for a late, late lunch. Is it high carb - yes. Is the salmon likely farmed? Yes, probably. Is there added sugar in the sushi rice? Most definitely. Oh, but it is SO GOOD. And thus has to be an occasional treat *sigh* Luckily, someone else in this town loves it too and so most of the time, on the rare occasions I go to Wally-World, there is no salmon sushi. I lucked out today!

                    On another happy note, my big breakfast lasted until 3:30 and then I got hungry - thus engendering the sushi love. I shall burn off the rice and other added sugars by hauling my CSA box around and going to Aqua Vortex!

                    Hauled around a big box of veggies!
                    Aqua Vortex!

                    Supper with friends at a great little Korean restaurant - had a Bipimbap bowl sans rice (rice comes on the side anyways). I may have put 1 chopstick worth of rice in the bottom of the bowl to mop up the juices. 2 small cups of unsweetened "korean drink" which I think is corn-silk tea. It tastes corny to me, anyhow. 1 water.

                    Amazingly awesome jazz concert. Had a wheat beer. Should not have had wheat beer as it is now 11:20 and I'm hungry. I'm not giving in tonight though - I'm going to bed!
                    Last edited by sarasue624; 09-20-2012, 09:25 PM.


                    • #11
                      Hello gentle grokkers,

                      woke up not hungry this morning, even though I went to bed feeling hungry - funny how that works. Evidence of a switch to fat-burning overnight perhaps?

                      I'm sitting on my butt most of today, writing a paper so I'm going to be eating just a bit until this afternoon - I have pork chops thawing out for a lunch/dinner!

                      Brekkie: Coffee with coconut cream and a bit of maple syrup. Wallyworld didn't have my local pastured heavy cream, so I picked up a couple of those cardboard cartons of coconut cream instead because I had seen on a forum here that they are better in coffee than coconut milk - they are. The taste and texture difference is significant! I might be able to wean myself off of heavy cream to coconut cream - though I don't know why I'd want to. But if I did... Make that 2 mugs of coffee.

                      Lunch:3 turkey lunchmeat slices, 2 roasted red peppers, 2-3 Tblsp. of cream cheese. Totally spaced on doing Zumba today Oh well, I'm in the midst of writing a paper that must get done today and have three loads of laundry in various states of wetness!

                      Lunch x2 or mid-afternoon snack: Cured pork chop in butter. Yeah baby!

                      Ham Steak.jpg

                      Early supper or snack #2: 1/2 cup good vanilla gelato - it's a cheat. I'm fighting the urge to take a nap since I have a lecture to attend in an hour. As cheats go, this one's pretty sugary! However, sugar is just about the only questionable ingredient: milk, sugar, cream, dextrose, vanilla, lemon, guar gum.

                      Went to a lecture.

                      Late snack: 8 almond crackers with white cheddar slices and a half a cherry tomato on top. So cute!

                      Before bed drink: Tried rum on the rocks. Uhm... that's hardly drinkable, guys. Maybe the problem is that I used light rum? Definitely not going to cut it at the bar.
                      Last edited by sarasue624; 09-22-2012, 07:40 PM.


                      • #12
                        Just posted this in another thread, but I think I should put it here too, just so that I have it handy. Here's what I want to be eating:

                        At home:
                        Organic, local meats only. (I have a great source, though $$) - exception, salmon.
                        CSA (local organic) box veggies (summer) only or organic veggies (winter) only - exception, avocados.
                        Unfortunately the CSA box includes quite a few potatoes, so I do work those in occasionally.
                        Local eggs.
                        Local dairy - exception, specialty cheeses/chevre (occasional treat).
                        Coconut products - organic when possible.
                        Lunchmeat - ideally local/organic, but I haven't found a good source of this, so for right now I just go with "natural" - the stuff cured in celery juice instead of all the conventional crap.
                        Canned fish - wild.

                        Salad components and veggies however they're served.
                        Rice. (Limited.)
                        Wine and Beer. (Limited)
                        Rum and ? (I've been using diet coke but I'd like to find something healthier to drink with rum.)
                        If I'm really feeling strict, I avoid sugary sauces (like Chinese or Indian) but most of the time I don't sweat it.


                        • #13
                          Hello gentle grokkers,

                          Woke this morning feeling delicate, which is too bad because I really needed to eat a big breakfast today and am not. I have a 10:00 meeting that will last to who-knows-when and so I don't know if/when/what I will get for lunch.

                          Brekkie: Coffee with coconut cream and a bit of maple syrup. (Still haven't made it to the co-op.)

                          Spent all day inside

                          Lunch: Had to go to the college union for lunch and ended up eating Panda Express - I could have had healthy things, but instead I had orange chicken and crab rangoon. "Diet" green tea. I cannot resist orange chicken. It's best not to even walk into a building with a Panda, and usually I don't. Oh well.

                          Finally made it to the co-op! They carry local grass fed beef so I loaded up on beef liver, beef bones for stock/soup, a whole chicken, bacon, heavy cream... the sickly vegans who man the registers must think I'm crazy!

                          Dinner: Indian butter chicken! I used a version of the recipe here on MDA except I cut up an entire chicken to use and so have chicken bones for broth and skin for cracklins! I used the Shaw spice box - which is pretty darn spicy! I think I'll keep this recipe for when I'm sick.

                          After dinner cooking: I'm making bone and veggie broth since I have a ton of carrots and onions to use from my CSA box. My crockpot is full! There's no room for water! I think I'll do the multiple-batch version of broth that I've seen explained on the forums. I'd like broth to replace the water that I'm not drinking enough of. Plus, it's getting cold out so I'll probably get sick soon.

                          Before bed: An entire bottle of Perrier - I was definitely dehydrated and dinner was spicy! A small mug of melted 85% chocolate pieces whisked into water and heavy cream. - Hot chocolate delish! Now I'm really tired. I think it'll be an early night.
                          Last edited by sarasue624; 09-22-2012, 07:37 PM.


                          • #14
                            Hello gentle grokkers,

                            another day on my butt on the couch doing work.

                            Brekkie: Coffee with quite a bit of coconut cream, a little maple syrup. My chicken stock smells amaaaazing. It's not done yet, though.

                            It's weird, even though I've been eating what I shouldn't quite a bit, I feel like I'm hitting ketosis occasionally, at least overnight. I've lost a pound since I started this journal (totally unexpected, considering) and am no longer doing crazy things like craving chocolate milkshakes. Yesterday, when eating Panda, I threw away the noodles that I thought I would have eaten with no pangs of regret.

                            Lunch: Cured pork chop fried to a crisp (oops) in butter and leftover pork fat. Another coffee with heavy cream and a touch of maple syrup.

                            MidAfternoon snack: Chicken stock in a mug - that which couldn't fit into my mason jars. Ooooh boy the chicken stock is good. I strained the broth into 2 mason jars and then loaded my crockpot back up with water for a second batch. The carrots aren't falling apart yet but if I were going to be around for dinner I'd eat the carrots and onions from my crock-pot. Maybe a midnight snack is in order tonight!

                            In other news, I sliced a nice little chunk out of my pinky while mandolin slicing a zuchinni. Still feeling a bit queasy from that. The chicken broth helped. Hopefully it will also help it heal!

                            Dinner: Going to another department picnic, then a friend's party afterwards. I will avoid the buns and the pop. Outside of that I make no promises.

                            Well, let's just say I found the honey tree for dinner tonight. I ate no processed foods and I did not over eat. However, there were quite a few pasta salads, a couple brownies, and a couple glasses of juice-sherbet punch involved! That should be the end of the big department parties for awhile, so hopefully I'll be more responsible for my own food and get less tempted by bad food.
                            Last edited by sarasue624; 09-23-2012, 07:46 PM.


                            • #15
                              Hello gentle grokkers,

                              chilly 3 mile walk around the lake today. Had a couple sips of gorgeous chicken broth before I left.

                              Brekkie: bratwurst - made in-house at my co-op, fried in leftover cured pork fat, on a bed of sauerkraut. A large cup of coffee w/cream and a medium bit of maple syrup.


                              Another day on my couch doing paperwork. :P Had another cup of coffee with cream and syrup.

                              Lunch: Skipped. Breakfast was late. Had a bunch of energy though and was very productive this afternoon.

                              Pre-class dinner: I still didn't feel hungry at all, but knew if I didn't eat an early supper I'd chow down on bad stuff during night class. I had some leftover gf granola lying around and I doused a bit of it with a heavy cream and 2 Tblsp butter, stuck it in the microwave. Tasted pretty good, but I'll probably regret what the grains do to me later. I hope I don't fall asleep during class!

                              Night Class damage: Not too bad. Drank a full mason jar of chicken broth during the first half of class. (Man that stuff is good.) Needed something to keep me awake for the second half. I ended up with a bottle of water and a Rice Krispies treat. Could have had something less sugary than the rice krispies, but I hadn't expected to go through my whole jar of chicken broth in half a class! Oh well, I'm working downwards towards fewer carbs, at least.
                              Last edited by sarasue624; 09-24-2012, 08:41 PM.