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In Pursuit of Happiness and a Flat Stomach (TheEscapeArtist's Journal)

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  • #91
    Feel sad, want chocolate

    Saw this in my morning Facebook feed and thought, yes, that looks about right: What I really wanted to do was eat chocolate and drink to excess. I actually came really close to popping into the grocery story right before closing and grabbing a dark chocolate bar (I had to take the Lemon out anyway and the grocery story was right there). The little voice in my head was saying go on, you deserve a treat and after all it's primal - the problem is I know I wouldn't eat only a few squares; I would eat the whole 100g bar and then I would want more. I managed to convince myself that it was more likely to make me feel worse than better. So a small triumph.

    I did indulge in nearly a whole day of Japanese bed therapy. Wasn't as bad as in the past when I retired to bed with a box of cookies and watched mindless TV all day. I did work-type stuff instead and there was no food involved. But I did not get out of my pyjamas and I managed to take only 2489 steps today (definitely in the red) - although I feel like I should get extra credit for carrying the Lemon up the stairs twice. (I'm rather hoping all the walking we've been doing will help her lose some weight too. She's bloody heavy!)

    Tuesday’s feed
    B – bulletproof coffee, bacon, 3 scrambled eggs, guacamole
    D – primalized fish curry with green beans, red pepper and tomatoes served on top of cauliflower rice -

    Wednesday’s feed
    B – bulletproof coffee, bacon, 3 scrambled eggs, guacamole (had a lot of avocados to get rid of)
    S – a few slices of organic liverwurst (I felt like I should be eating more liver but didn’t feel up to taking on the organs myself just yet) + ½ cup coconut yoghurt (dairy free) - not together obviously
    D – beef with creamed spinach ( - pimped it with addition of mushrooms and cayenne, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder and ground mustard – otherwise a bit bland) + cup of coconut yoghurt with a tablespoon of raw unsweetened cocoa powder and a sprinkle of raw chocolate nibs
    My primal journal:


    • #92
      Victory and defeat in the battle against the sugar monster

      So Friday the BF was meeting some colleagues for drinks and in his absence I devolved. I recently had to submit my application to renew my residence visa and I’m not 100% certain it will be accepted. That coupled with the recent US election has created a knot of dread in my stomach. It’s a horrible feeling that I’m desperate to escape so not surprisingly I have been craving the comfort of my old friends booze and sugar. Interestingly the alcohol cravings have been much more manageable but sugar….ah sugar.

      Yesterday I went for a long walk because the sun was actually shining and I thought it might help, but I ended up in the Marks & Spencer's, which I had just read is closing their store here. M&S has the BEST glutenfree baked goods selection – their GF products are as good or better than their glutenous counterparts. I found myself at the checkout with a package of glutenfree ginger snaps – my favorite and there were only three left! But I talked myself out of it – twice. I was walking back and forth between the checkout and the glutenfee aisle talking to myself like a crazy person.

      I won that battle, but then when I stopped by the Whole-Foods type grocery to get some soup for lunch, I couldn’t fight it anymore – I succumbed to the lure of some cinnamon dusted chocolate almonds sweetened with stevia and maltitol - basically methadone for the sugar addict. I had the whole 110 gram bag for dinner while watching The Crown on Netflix. In other words a binge.

      I’m asking myself if I felt better – if it did lessen my anxiety a little bit or for a little while…and I have to say there was some relief involved…and not too much guilt probably because it was somewhat controlled and there were only 23 grams of carbs and 11 grams of sugar in the whole bag…but I did suffer some serious gas for my sins (thanks, maltitol!). Good thing BF decided to sleep at his.

      Thursday’s feed
      B – scrambled eggs with bacon and guacamole
      L – leftover ribs with ¼ of a sweet potato
      D – Bolognese sauce with zucchini “noodles” – used a base of store-bought sauce – all organic primal ingredients – and added bell pepper, mushrooms, black olives, carrot and celery + green salad – spinach, swiss chard, red tatsoi, tomatoes, broccoli & homemade vinaigrette

      Friday’s feed
      B – primal “muffin”
      L – store bought mushroom soup (primal ingredients but including cream), ham
      D – 110 gram bag of milk chocolate cinnamon dusted almonds + a whole organic dried sausage
      S - bowl of coconut yoghurt, 1T. raw cocoa powder and sprinkle cacao nibs (because of course my thirst for chocolate only increased with consumption)
      My primal journal:


      • #93
        On-going battles with the sugar monster (a quick update)

        I"m still struggling - basically been eating dark chocolate every night. Boyfriend has not been helpful in this regard - keeps bringing the stuff home! But I can't really blame him - I'm the one who chooses to put it in my mouth and when it's not there I GO OUT AND GET IT. Yes, there was another one of those "late night grocery story runs under the guise of walking the dog" incidents. Bought a 100 gram bar of 75% dark and ATE IT ALL. At least talked myself out of the mint noir - so good but only 45% cacao. And hopefully the damage was at least partially offset by the fact that I ate it while walking the Lemon all over the neighborhood. Had to come home and brush my teeth quick before BF smelled the chocolate on my breath. There was also another incident...or two with glutenfree cookies - they find their way into my basket and I have to give myself a stern talking to (along the lines of this will only make you feel worse). Thus far I have convinced myself to put them back each time (WHILE FEELING LIKE MY SOUL IS BEING RIPPED OUT OF MY BODY).

        A couple of personal observations:
        1. If I give into craving - like with the dark chocolate - it does not go away; IT JUST GETS WORSE.
        2. When I eat sugar (even the small amounts in dark chocolate), I lose my taste for vegetables. (Salad greens are slimifying in the crisper as I type).
        3. Stress feeds the sugar monster. In addition to worries of what's going on in my own country, getting kicked out of this country, and other such matters - I'm stressed because my sister is coming for a visit and bringing her boyfriend whom I've never met. I love my sister but for all kinds of reasons I love her better from thousands of miles away (am I terrible to say this?).
        4. Bodily discontent feeds the sugar monster because I get frustrated and just want to give up. I find I've been looking in the mirror a lot more and pinching on my poor stomach - wishing the fat would melt away faster - so much faster. I've been pretty good about focusing on my mental health rather than losing weight as the impetus for healthy eating, but my sister's impending visit has made me more body-conscious - my sister, who's never struggled with her weight, and about whom my first serious boyfriend said upon being introduced, "Well, I see who got the legs in the family." (What an a-hole, right?)

        On the plus side have been sticking to primal choices almost 100% of the time if you count dark chocolate as primal. And I've been getting in my 10,000 steps per day.
        My primal journal: