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waiting for the whoosh - badgergirl's journal

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  • Originally posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
    Badger - pack a suitcase, get on plane, ring me when you get here !
    I will be waiting !
    Thank you, my dear. That made me smile - face and heart. I know this is just some brain glitch and that if I white knuckle it, it will pass. One day I shall certainly visit. PROMISE.
    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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    • Small boy dresses himself for school. This morning this happened:
      I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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      • oh Badger - he is so cute. I could just hug him !!!!!
        I am beginning to wear red and orange. I have always been a black girl, but have started to ramp up my colours - so small boy is in Gwammas red camp !!!!! Yay for small boy ! and I love checks !!!!!!!! Very farmy !!!!!!
        X
        "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

        ...small steps....

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        • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
          That's just it. No drinking. Still got irrational pit of doom and longing to take a knife to my veins. Sit it out and wait for it to go away.
          Oh shit man... sorry, I misread. Well listen... I totally know where you're coming from. After a life time of experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts and trying every possible method of "getting better" I've personally come to the conclusion that it's a hormonal imbalance. Some people the imbalances are more extreme than others... that's why for some people it's enough to go for a run / get outside and their funk lifts. For others, it's not so simple. But it always does lift... the tide always turns, right after the lowest ebb.

          Sending you hugs!
          "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

          In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

          - Ray Peat

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          • and double hugs from New Zealand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.... okay so thats quadruplical hugs from NZ
            "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

            ...small steps....

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            • Best friend and and I are now referring to these thoughts (suicidal or otherwise randomly negative) as eff-brain (we give it the full **** rendition, but this is a sanitised space). What was very, supremely evident to me last night that this was an eff-endocrine system event. In the space of 10-15 minutes, I went from having a physiological desire reaction - cusp of orgasm with no hands, I was on the train, but really, it takes more than a standard guage for me to reach that particular destination! - to a full-on anxiety attack to a pit of depression event. Truly bizarre, even by my standards. However, because it was very physical and unprovoked, it was easy to discount, even while enduring it (sort of like walking through an emotional mirage).

              My eff-brain, in otherwise quiet moments, chants one of the following three things: I want to eat, I want to drink or I want to die. Sort of like internal Tourette's, often the words don't come with any freight of meaning, they are just words.

              Last night my eff-brain totally switched up the suicidal ideation on me, much to my surprise. Instead of thinking longingly of hanging, I was filled with exciting thoughts about blood pouring down the drain. As someone who has (once) taken a knife to her veins, this was a slightly dangerous turn of imaginative events.

              As today wore on the insects under the skin feelings of self-revulsion were gradually replaced by exhaustion... I'm feeling knackered, but 'normal' now.

              Again, even by my somewhat warped standards, the last 24-hours have been very, very strange.
              Last edited by badgergirl; 04-30-2013, 03:22 PM.
              I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

              Comment


              • Ugh! Sorry you are having to expend so much energy lately just to exist, and I wish I knew the answer, badger. Hang in there - who else gives me all those good book recommends?!
                I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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                • 'Going troppo', 'having a tanty' and 'being a sook': very useful phrases Australia has added to my lexicon of exasperated parenting.
                  I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                  • Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
                    Ugh! Sorry you are having to expend so much energy lately just to exist, and I wish I knew the answer, badger. Hang in there - who else gives me all those good book recommends?!
                    Thanks, matey. All thoughts my way are appreciated. I am swiftly coming to the conclusion that depression is an animal that will try to kill you one way or another, but that 24-hour freak out was really something crazy.

                    As to eff-brain thoughts, they come and go. More like fish in a tank than anything weighty. I've watched my arm bleed out over a sink and, after a couple of minutes, the thrill is replaced by a sort of bored panic - I got husband to take me to A&E, whereupon the nurse doing triage asked if he'd cut me. I'm not about to pull that stunt (and it was a stunt, albeit a desperate one) again, no matter what eff-brain says. One of the many joys of motherhood - a profound sense of responsibility.
                    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                    • How do you label your children's clothes? | Life and style | The Guardian

                      See! It's not just me... (I'm currently working through next year's clothes.)
                      I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                      • I just bought four pairs of shoes: two pairs of almond-toe flats (one metallic grey, one white), a high-heeled pair of Mary Janes (black, grey and navy), and a pair of black and white sandals. All Naturalizer brand. $180. Good things come to those who wait (and scour the internet for deep discounts).
                        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                        • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                          'Going troppo', 'having a tanty' and 'being a sook'.
                          Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                          I got husband to take me to A&E
                          Time for another round of definitions in the Limey-Aussie English for Yanks series, please.

                          Tanty - I suspect "tantrum"
                          A&E should be our ER, which is the hospital emergency room (actually a department, not just a room)
                          The rest... Help!
                          I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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                          • I believe 'Troppo' is going insane, from spending too much time in the sun, 'gone tropical'.

                            And sook, (pronounced the same as look) is a crybaby, where it comes from, buggered if I know!

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                            • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                              How do you label your children's clothes? | Life and style | The Guardian

                              See! It's not just me... (I'm currently working through next year's clothes.)
                              I personally think it is sweet. You do sew already, so it is no affectation to me. My mom is a details-oriented person in her sewing, too, and she would absolutely do this if labeling clothing had been needed.
                              I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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                              • Dave's done the others admirably, A&E: accident and emergency, also called casualty. A slightly different beast than its G Clooney and Noah Wiley-staffed US counterpart. As the National Health Service (NHS) is free at the point of delivery, A&E gets everything from little Johnny who fell over and his parents are over anxious, to drunks, to the participants in a ten-vehicle pile-up and me. I've been there a fair few times.
                                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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