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waiting for the whoosh - badgergirl's journal

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  • Originally posted by ezk View Post
    You hurled a big hairy ball of info, it take some time to digest. Not a gram of self pity in it, good.
    A story for a story.
    I was born and raised in a small country of the eastern block.
    My childhood was soft and uneventful. Great parents, lots of love, most of which i had probably returned.
    I was a quiet child, living in and for the books.
    Adolescence was my postcoming into this world. Alcohol, sex and rest, conduct rather then the goal itself.
    While in university i had a proposition to go and live in paris.
    I did , it was an elegant and very cowardly way to leave behind a tangled bunch of relationships, loves and one way roads.
    21 years old and ahh.. modeling was a strict boredom, being bad at it didn't help.
    Photography came around and i knew it will stay.
    I meet my ex husband, we traveled for years, hence my knowledge of australian wine..the encounter was close.
    Back to Paris, childbirth, carrier going strong and stronger. Bohemian years, separation and beginning of wild life.
    After leaving my husband i did had a beautiful and strange affair with much, much older man. I call it the time break of my life.
    He called me an extremely civilized animal and for the sake of my life i cant decide if it was a compliment or an insult, still and nonetheless he did listen carefully and answered any serious or random question i had accumulated and no, not a father figure.
    Just a man of extreme kindness that come to some of us with the years. It did pour some cement in my convictions and prepare me on a way for the future.
    Then i met the man whom i fell in love with. Indecently bright and beautiful. Love like the one i had read in books and heard in songs.
    Idem for him.
    We were both very successful in what we were doing for living while loving it, ready to live the good life . to the full.together.
    And we did. Then the curtain went down.
    Excessiveness, extreme jealousy, violence in state of non sobriety. It kept on getting harder till one day i raised my hand and hit back. Sweet violence. It didn't change much except my status of a beaten woman. It did though open the box for me too.
    Years went by. The man was sliding down, pills were the news, it helped for a while, then all got mixed and ambulances, police and hospitals were there,everyday. I couldn't leave, not simply the strongly embedded loyalty that came with my family education, but love ,for the windows of sanity were there ,with the remains of his soul.
    Then one day it was the last ambulance. I remember writing a letter ,leaving it on his stretcher , saying that i love him. That whatever happen, i will stay.
    after i went to pick up his son from school. Same night i was home with
    the boy, my ex was having my daughter for a week. The bell rung, i opened the door, there he was , saying it was over. The nightmare .
    Over it was for him. It wasn't over for me . I kept on hitting, i started drinking hard and went into pills. Funny, life.. As all mirror dance goes it also went to an end. And we started to rebuild. And as love goes i have a haunch that this will be the only one i will have..
    He is not an ordinary man by any criteria you might use, sexuality and rest. I take it. And i kind of give back. Fantasies, bare honesty, love.
    Few thoughts on things you have mentioned.
    BdSM, creation, lust.. You can make what you want of it. You can flush it down the drain.. and will be a pity.
    I *like* you. I want to have this conversation in Paris, next to the fire.

    Okay. I promised a comment and I am not one to break a promise. But close friends, even bacon man (boo hiss, and yet, I miss the sizzle), will tell you that my comments are thought over, information is digested before a response can be spat out.

    So here I am, slowly drinking the final half of merlot, ready to write in response to your story.

    And my thoughts run thus: isn't that always the way. We learn from those we love. We think, hope, that the lessons will only cover the good, but it isn't so. Trees that grow into each other become entwined, warped, twisted. Roots tangle. Branches rub and chafe.

    For our part, I have learned husband's reticence and inhibition. Lock the door, shut out the world. Obviously, leaving my life behind has done nothing to hinder this. Gradually the world gets shut out. To be honest, I think the pupils outpace the teacher and so, over time, we become caricatures - extreme versions, roughly drawn - of the loved one. It's safer, more reassuring that way.

    I've also learned depression and suicidal impulses - making the loved one complicit in one's own death wish.

    On the plus side, I've learned the value of myself and intimacy - sex is not to be squandered for physical gain. And the husband? He has loosened. Considerably.

    I think pain can easily be read as caring - caring enough to hurt. The extreme is what passes for passion. God knows I crave it, push for it, but have chosen a man who is always in a profound state of lock down. There is no provoking him, no matter how hard I try.

    Push-pull; push-pull. For me that equals safety and love. The warm blanket, wrapped around the flailing arms. The straight-jacket of compassion: keep me upright, keep me sane, stop me from harming myself. It takes a vast amount of self-love to choose what will mend over what will break - and I stumbled recently. Or, rather, I felt so deadened and repressed by circumstance I wanted to take any out available.

    Perhaps those from safe and loving homes sometimes crave the reverse?

    We learn our lover's language until we speak it like a native. If they change tongue what are we supposed to do?
    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

    Comment


    • B: handful of nuts, coffee
      L: Greek salad and lamb (leftovers)
      D: sausages, bacon-cream-mushroom-garlic (husband off piste again), bacon, garden salad; apple
      Last edited by badgergirl; 12-17-2012, 11:25 PM.
      I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

      Comment


      • The opposites theory always has hit me as a dangerous
        simulation of reasoning on something a way more complex. Dunno..
        I also think that beginnings do matter, but as such they are not a " final solution "
        in the "mobilis in mobili" stuff of existence.
        I dearly love security and hell.. i do deservedly appreciated it as a blessing and most fertile soil for long distance run love.
        But also for creativity and this i have discovered lately. Fuck the worry, the nuke in the stomach,
        it doesn't need to be that way. The anxiousness that come with it is unnecessary, it isn't part of it,
        it parasites.
        Excitement leads to other places once you get of the "i feel so great, i gotta to stay like that ,no matter what"
        hook. there got to be an acceptance of the impermanence of things.
        I like you too.
        Ok for drinking a bottle beside the fire or café Flore or else.

        As for speaking tongues..
        linguistic beats philosophy by far on sexy ideas
        Last edited by ezk; 12-18-2012, 03:40 AM.

        Comment


        • [ATTACH]10246[/ATTACH]:d
          an accidental shot of very
          particular man who incidentally
          is my most loved director.
          Last edited by ezk; 12-18-2012, 03:45 AM.

          Comment


          • the director of my favourite film:

            I think we'll just put primal and whooshing on pause for the duration of the festivus festive festivities.
            B: p'nut butter, coffee
            L: duck confit, broc, green beans, new potatoes, two glasses of shiraz; chocolates - eight, maybe
            D: fish and chips

            Last night was small boy's kinder concert. We had great seats, that is until a mum in a santa hat with a camcorder sat in front of me and totally obliterated my sight lines. Grr.

            And, no, we are not opposites, I don't think. Life and love is more nuanced than that.
            Last edited by badgergirl; 12-19-2012, 12:21 AM. Reason: dinner
            I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

            Comment


            • B: pnut butter, nuts, coffee, three chocs
              L: Christmas barbie at work - I have been instucted not to call it a barbeque
              D: lamb soup
              I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

              Comment


              • Current color of my toenail polish... Shrimp on the Barbie... bright coral pink based with coppery glitter~
                I'd send you a bottle for the irony of wearing it if you were into such sparklies.

                Removing it to replace it with a chartreuse cream base with a lime/gold glitter over the top for Grinch Green toe nails over the holidays though.
                After toe surgery tomorrow that is.
                “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                Comment


                • oooh. Your toes sound deeelish. Mine are metallic blue and likely will be until winter rolls round again as removal before repainting is just a step too far for me!

                  Yesterday's food list is inaccurate as there was dessert and wine and champagne, but no dinner.

                  Today looks to be non-compliant too, not least because I had orange-zest marzipan for breakfast...wish me luck.

                  B: homemade marzipan, coffee, small slice lemon chiffon cake
                  L: oysters, kangaroo steak
                  D: lamb and vegetable broth
                  Last edited by badgergirl; 12-21-2012, 12:08 AM.
                  I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                    oooh. Your toes sound deeelish. Mine are metallic blue and likely will be until winter rolls round again as removal before repainting is just a step too far for me!

                    Yesterday's food list is inaccurate as there was dessert and wine and champagne, but no dinner.

                    Today looks to be non-compliant too, not least because I had orange-zest marzipan for breakfast...wish me luck.

                    B: homemade marzipan, coffee, small slice lemon chiffon cake
                    L: oysters, kangaroo steak
                    D: lamb and vegetable broth
                    Lots of tidbits to comment on...

                    toes: I went to Germany with a color on my toes called "Gunmetal Gray" (it's from Sally Hansen). As I run around barefoot a lot, even in Germany (much to the horror of all there, who think that the necessity of foot coverings is on par with air to breathe), and just happened to have had a huge conversation about guns and hunting and all that, my cousins shot back - "of course"

                    marzipan... YUM! Where do you get orange-zest maripan?!?!

                    Did I read right? - KANGAROO steak?! Seriously?! How often is such a meat eaten by the Aussies?
                    I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

                    Comment


                    • marzipan recipe.
                      Kangaroo - yes, we eats it. You can get mince and kanga bangers (sausages) at the supermarket and possibly steaks too - I've not looked. The mince is super lean and cheaper than beef mince, but it's got a slightly odd gamey taste. I love the steaks but, being very lean, they can be tricky to cook to perfection. Kangaroo (and wallaby, which is similar) tends to be restaurant food for us. (Also, Aussies tend to think of it as roadkill/hick food, which is strange and possibly changing slowly.)

                      I'll have some photos for you soon Crabcakes as we went camping in the bush overnight - a proof-of-concept trip with dog and small boy - and I took some snaps.

                      Ah. And the work of patch is completed - now for the quilting bit.

                      Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
                      Lots of tidbits to comment on...

                      toes: I went to Germany with a color on my toes called "Gunmetal Gray" (it's from Sally Hansen). As I run around barefoot a lot, even in Germany (much to the horror of all there, who think that the necessity of foot coverings is on par with air to breathe), and just happened to have had a huge conversation about guns and hunting and all that, my cousins shot back - "of course"

                      marzipan... YUM! Where do you get orange-zest maripan?!?!

                      Did I read right? - KANGAROO steak?! Seriously?! How often is such a meat eaten by the Aussies?
                      And here are the snaps. The first thing you learn about Australia is that EVERYTHING will kill you - the sun, the rain, the snakes, the spiders, the kangaroos (yes, really)...even the trees:

                      The trees are tall, much taller than European trees, in the forest/bush there is space and brush between them and the air is scented with eucalypt oil.

                      Last edited by badgergirl; 12-29-2012, 11:01 PM. Reason: added photos
                      I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                      Comment


                      • I have a new mantra. If I say it often enough it has to come true, right? (In a nutshell not believing this is why I am atheist, but there)...
                        2013 is going to be a LUCKY year for us.
                        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                        Comment


                        • Hey badger!

                          Woohoo - Pics from Down Under! I'm giggling here, because it really does look like stills from Crocodile Dundee (which scenery I really thought pretty). I have kind of picked up on that, the fact that Australia has the most poisonous/deadly/dangerous/extreme everything. How do you let Small Boy out of the house?? And everybody thinks that the US is hazardous to your health...
                          I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

                          Comment


                          • I checked - yep, kanga steaks in the chiller at the supermarket. Cost about the same as beef.
                            I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
                              Hey badger!

                              Woohoo - Pics from Down Under! I'm giggling here, because it really does look like stills from Crocodile Dundee (which scenery I really thought pretty). I have kind of picked up on that, the fact that Australia has the most poisonous/deadly/dangerous/extreme everything. How do you let Small Boy out of the house?? And everybody thinks that the US is hazardous to your health...
                              To me most of it looks like Neighbours - complete with flyscreen doors and oversized houses.
                              Brunch: bacon, three chocolate almonds, apple
                              Dinner: turkey, avo, cucumber, tomato, capsicum

                              2013 will be a year of change at badger mansions; one way or another. Small boy starts school and, if husband is not in gainful employ by the end of the year, we shall be returning to the UK. That is my resolution.
                              Last edited by badgergirl; 01-01-2013, 12:01 AM.
                              I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                                2013 will be a year of change at badger mansions; one way or another. Small boy starts school and, if husband is not in gainful employ by the end of the year, we shall be returning to the UK. That is my resolution.
                                I believe you. You have said that you miss your da, and Wight, and just England in general. Sometimes a prolonged stay expat-style focuses ones needs and wants and likes very nicely. I found that out myself. I'll be interested to see how this plays out for you. Whatever location you end up in, my wish for you is that it be positive and right for the badger-family.
                                I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

                                Comment

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