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waiting for the whoosh - badgergirl's journal

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  • I love how honest you are. There is a kind of primal gusto for life in it. I had to be taught to say the word f**k, and it was in a healing session undertaken to get me in touch with some buried anger. It worked too well! One afternoon, it exploded like this: jesus mother-f****ing christ on a cracker!

    I like God, and have a good working relationship with him/her, but before that session, it was not a really honest relationship. Like I could hide anything from God anyway! For those who don't believe in God, no worries here. It would be just the same getting more honest, vulnerable and real with yourself and loved ones.

    Now I also enjoy colorful language especially when it gets me laughing, or just more "real." Love the childbirth story - any woman who just gave birth has earned the right to say whatever the hell she wants!

    Sent from my GT-N5110 using Marks Daily Apple Forum mobile app

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    • Having a child really makes me examine my values. Half my music collection - and I'm a very MOR, female singer-songwriter, indie type (husband has a few Cradle of Filth-type things, but me not so much) - has had to be retired because I was uncomfortable with small boy perhaps singing along to lyrics such as 'f*ck you and your untouchable face' or 'what the f*ck was I thinking' or...well, the examples are legion. Ani DiFranco, Tori Amos, Regina Spektor, Jenny Owen Youngs, Amanda Palmer... you are some foul-mouthed ladies. Recently, I've started worrying less - since he's started school and the fridge letters were used to spell 'fuk it' - and we've talked more about how and when it is appropriate to swear.

      We've travelled a similar road with nudity and many other things, but I suppose it's a struggle to truly be the not-at-all prudish, rational and open-minded person I think I am and balance that with teaching the small boy that society sometimes has other values (and judges children by different measures than adults are judged by).

      The communication book I've been reading is this one How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: 9781451663884: Amazon.com: Books and it's been really useful to recommit to how I always thought I'd parent, but somehow didn't quite have the tools. Husband is much, much more authoritarian (his upbringing was all different kinds of abusive) and I'm now trying to get him to read said book. We muddle along, but recently I've become increasingly unhappy at how we are relating to the small boy - we've got into some bad habits that I want to break.

      On a final note, I'm an atheist. I spent a number of years studying religion - I even took classes as an undergraduate - and cannot comprehend how any religion differs from magical thinking. The world, no matter what we would like to think, is beyond our control and no amount of begging (prayer, meditation) is going to change that. I find the history of religions endlessly fascinating and the moral and ethical frameworks are useful philosophically, but that kernel of belief that they are all built on seems to me to be utter nonsense. When we die we rot. Atoms of us are spread throughout the world and, similarly, atoms of everything that has gone before are in each of us - that is amazing enough for me. I feel transcendent in nature, but the world as is it is is enough for me; one life is enough for me. To quote Emily Dickinson:

      THAT Love is all there is,
      Is all we know of Love;
      It is enough, the freight should be
      Proportioned to the groove.

      If you think that life and love are interchangeable, then you have my approach/belief system right there. Religions and the righteousness of the religious do more harm than good in my personal experience (don't get me started on the joys of Catholicism).

      I have a lot of sympathy for Father Dougal Maguire, the relevant scene starts at 19.08 - somehow I cannot trick it into embedding at that point
      Last edited by badgergirl; 01-25-2014, 03:16 PM.
      I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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      • Originally posted by Clarkie View Post
        "ok, Mommy"
        "Good boy, now hold still so Mommy can fasten your diaper"
        large sigh from youngest son....."mommy?"
        "yes honey"
        "Give me a fucking break"

        I thought it was hysterical. DH, when I told him about it, not so much.
        That is pretty funny We've tried to explain to small boy that children are expected to behave better than adults. No, it's not fair and the hypocrisy is totally unjustifiable, but there you have it.
        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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        • Funny how small the world is. The book you mentioned is one I like as well. I see no reason to strive for any one "right" answer on the question of god. It really is about how you are being in the present moment. For me religion is very far from my spirituality!

          I just ask myself , "What feels lighter? " when I need to decide something. I understand god as a very imperfect word to describe something undescribable, the place where everything alive and that was once alive, connects deeply. I'm ok with not being crystal clear about it, and I choose it because it feels good and inspires me to love more and live more lined up with my passions and gifts. One life, or 100 lives; not important to me. How I choose to be in this moment -very important. I do think consciousness comes first, and doesn't end when the body rots. It serves my life better at the moment to believe it, so I do.

          One recent book that I like (because I like science AND spirituality) is called Proof of Heaven. I don't care about a place called heaven, I like the story because it involves a neuroscientist who went into coma and had some transcendent experiences when he should not even have been physically capable of dreaming or even hallcinating. Fun stuff. I so appreciate you and your journal entries!

          Sent from my GT-N5110 using Marks Daily Apple Forum mobile app

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          • Funnily enough I have had a classic near-death experience: the tunnel, the light, the overwhelming feeling of love. I can still remember the feel of the fur of my childhood dog, a toy poodle, as I held her in my arms and was joyfully reunited with family and friends, some of whom weren't from this life. I was 12 and had been hit by a car. It's been a long road to atheism for me and it's not always easy - there are plenty of times where prayer would be comforting (like when my father had a stroke) - but I've become more and more comfortable committing to non-belief.

            To each their own.
            I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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            • We have just discovered that husband's middle sister - in other words, not the mad one or the singing-dancing younger sister - has been hospitalised (for the last month or so) for severe depression. Big sighs. Every single member of his family has profound mental health issues - mostly untreated. I sometimes wish I'd grasped the magnitude of the problems before I committed my life to his and certainly before we made the decision to (temporarily - yeah, right) move back to his home town.
              I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

              Comment


              • Good grief. She's been in the hospital for a month and you are just learning of this now? Well, I suppose it's a good thing that she is getting treatment. How has your husband taken this news?
                We really do "marry into the family" when we take the plunge don't we?

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                • Originally posted by Clarkie View Post
                  We really do "marry into the family" when we take the plunge don't we?
                  Yes, and very rarely does a potential spouse say, "Oh, and by the way, here is a list of all family drama, mental health issues, and things that will really strain our marriage." It would help if they did but would send many of us running for the hills.

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                  • Originally posted by canio6 View Post
                    Yes, and very rarely does a potential spouse say, "Oh, and by the way, here is a list of all family drama, mental health issues, and things that will really strain our marriage." It would help if they did but would send many of us running for the hills.
                    Husband tried to explain, he really did, and I come from a challenging background myself...but the poison in his family is difficult to comprehend even after years of dealing with the aftermath. We never intended on being so close to it all, but now we are I cannot sit silently and observe the crazy - to do so would be to tacitly support it. So.

                    Middle sister didn't tell her husband for a year that she was struggling with an incapacitating physical illness and extreme pain. Eventually, the physical problems led to a mental breakdown and now she's been hospitalised in another state (her choice). She missed Christmas and her small boy's sixth birthday. She has told us nothing. She has told her parents (more understandably) nothing. We heard this from younger sister who has pieced things together from what middle sister's husband has hinted.
                    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                      I quite like cussing and I'm especially proud that I gave birth with gas and air and turning the air blue with swearing... I invented Jeebus Mothercnutting Christ for the occasion and the very religious midwife left the room in disgust. Husband told me off for that one. A little later, when she was trying to attach a monitor or something, I told a different midwife to 'f*ck the baby'.
                      Originally posted by Clarkie View Post
                      A girl after my own heart. My family still chuckles about the time I got pissed off about about something or other and said "For jesus f*cking cris' f*cking shit sakes" Try it, kinda rolls off the tongue I think.
                      I knew I had to be more careful with my pottie mouth when I broke my arm. Youngest son had just turned 2 and was still in diapers. I was trying to change him with left hand only as the right one was casted from above elbow to fingertips. Conversation went something like this.
                      "ok honey, lift your bum up so Mommy can take off wet diaper and clean you up"
                      "ok Mommy"
                      "Good job sweetie, now lift up your bum so Mommy can put on clean diaper"
                      "ok, Mommy"
                      "Good boy, now hold still so Mommy can fasten your diaper"
                      large sigh from youngest son....."mommy?"
                      "yes honey"
                      "Give me a fucking break"

                      I thought it was hysterical. DH, when I told him about it, not so much.
                      Lol, they are both classics, my favourite curses are, bollockyfuckwank, if something doesn't quite go to plan, and being a spanner hand by trade, undefuckable, if it's something beyond repair....

                      Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                      If you think that life and love are interchangeable, then you have my approach/belief system right there. Religions and the righteousness of the religious do more harm than good in my personal experience (don't get me started on the joys of Catholicism).
                      I have your belief system!

                      Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                      We have just discovered that husband's middle sister - in other words, not the mad one or the singing-dancing younger sister - has been hospitalised (for the last month or so) for severe depression. Big sighs. Every single member of his family has profound mental health issues - mostly untreated. I sometimes wish I'd grasped the magnitude of the problems before I committed my life to his and certainly before we made the decision to (temporarily - yeah, right) move back to his home town.
                      Blimey BG, it's seems like one crisis piles on top of another, hope it all works out for you all.

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                      • Originally posted by Dhansakdave View Post
                        Blimey BG, it's seems like one crisis piles on top of another, hope it all works out for you all.
                        ^This. Not an easy situation at all.

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                        • Originally posted by canio6 View Post
                          ^This. Not an easy situation at all.
                          I'm currently working on husband to prod him into action wrt his parents and the mad sister (that situation has remained unchanged in the 6-8 weeks since I threw spanners). Since we are not supposed to know about middle sister's hospitalisation, there's very little we can do about it except for offering support to youngest sister (who seems to be doing a lot of childcare for our nephew while his mum is out of state [and in no fit state]). That said, the nephew is beginning to show signs that he is struggling/being affected (this has come on top of a history of fractured care-giving and being shunted around a lot) and our own child is our first priority.

                          The whole thing... this is what happens when families are profoundly dysfunctional and abusive. The children grow up into adults and eventually the wheels come off the bus in one way or another. I must admit, I'm rather shocked that middle sister is in such a bad way, but her coping mechanism is to ignore anything she doesn't like and wait for it to go away. Sometimes that strategy doesn't work.

                          Eventually, we shall be going back to the UK. Only another ten years or so to go.
                          I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                          • badgergirl, that's a tough situation. I hope it all works out so that it doesn't drive you 'round the bend.
                            "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                            B*tch-lite

                            Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

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                            • The whole thing is just so damn sad and frustrating. I hope everyone gets the help they need. (((hugs)))

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                              • Had a bit of a chat to husband last night, have yet to work out if any headway was made. He has no convictions, no ideas or beliefs about what should be done (or even if it his place to do anything) whereas I have plenty and the certainty that it is the role of the sibs to wade in and *do* things. Their family dynamic is very resistant to action and phobic of conflict together with an authoritarian (and incompetent) father and a manipulative mother... I can see so clearly what has to be done, but husband is at a loss and resents me making waves that he suffers for. I think less of husband for not having a clear position or taking action.

                                Big, big sighs.
                                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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