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Skinny girl to fat girl and back to skinny girl - for life

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  • #31
    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    Attributed to Albert Einstein, and completely encapsulates the problem with CW and weight loss. I’ve been mulling things over in my head the last couple of days; my reasons for trying PB and my thoughts now that I’ve started.

    Like my journal intro entry says, I was always the skinny girl. Years and years of being told how great I looked and how skinny etc gave me a body image that was pretty good. I didn’t have to work at it either, so I don’t have the same struggle of sorrow that many life-long overweight people have had. I had other sorrows, but not that.

    Still, I have become the fat girl.

    How?

    By eating low-calorie, low-fat and staying active.


    But you didn’t try hard enough! You must have cheated! You should have done another 10 minutes on the eliptical. You should have gone to level 9 on it, too. You didn’t lift enough weight. You cheated too many times. You drank orange juice instead of water. You didn’t go to the gym twice a day. Why are you walking? Don’t you know you should be running?

    You shouldn't.
    You didn’t.


    Sure, probably some of the endless dieter and exercisers must have cheated, skipped workouts and sneaked off to McDonalds, but not ALL OF THEM and that’s basically how many have failed to lose flab and maintain a healthy weight with cardio and low-carb and low-fat. None of the fat and sick people I’ve ever known wanted to be fat and sick.

    So why don’t we look at what we’re doing and eating instead of blaming ourselves? Why don’t we question CW? Why is it always our fault? Why is it we are the failures? Why isn’t it the system failing that’s us instead?

    Because failure is such a motivator, right?

    And here I am forsaking everything that I’ve done. Everything that I’ve known to be “true”. Everything the government, doctors, experts and food companies say I should do. I bought ground pork today. And pork sausages. And 85% lean ground beef. And it was hard - these things are buried away under the “good stuff”. Also, my first impulses whenever reaching for something were for the turkey sausage, the ground chicken and the 95% lean beef. Now I’m buying fat. Animal fat.

    Am I crazy?

    I hope not. The Primal Blueprint is either all crap and I’ll gain 10 pounds this week and my cholesterol will go up a little and I’ll have thrown those pretzels away for nothing. No one is going to put me in jail for trying this and it makes sense when I read it, so I’m giving it a try. Maybe doing the opposite of everything I’ve been taught, everything I’ve been doing will mean the results will be the opposite as well. Instead of stacking on pounds year after year I will begin to take them off.

    No, I won’t be the skinny 20-year-old I was, but I hope I can be a slimmer 40-something and on into the future without struggling, binging, starving, exercising until I drop or any of the other things that plagued my life up to now. And who knows, not blaming myself for the failure of my diet and activity level just might bring on some of that old confidence.
    Last edited by June68; 11-24-2012, 10:39 AM.
    5' 9" 47 YO F
    PB start June 2, 2012
    Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
    Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


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    • #32
      Slept very well last night and Larry didn't bite me so that was a bonus. Woke feeling rested and more alert. Got 8 hours, too. I kind of feel like this guy -



      Not very hungry this am. Had coffee and 3 strawberries to cleanse the palate.

      Have also noticed that my hips no longer ache during the night which they had been over the last few months. We were putting it down to old age/bad bed, but I'm not old and the bed isn't either so, while I'm hesitant to chalk this up to PB, it might be and if it continues I'll be thrilled.

      Last night's dinner was cauliflower sauteed w/ garlic and pancetta, chicken breast and chardonnay. I cooked some golden beets as well and plan to use them in salad today. We attempted to eat the greens, but they're much tougher and way more bitter than red beet greens so a few forkfuls was all either of us could choke down. Pity.

      Anyway, no breakfast so far. I'll eat when I'm hungry.
      5' 9" 47 YO F
      PB start June 2, 2012
      Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
      Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


      PB Journal

      Comment


      • #33
        Had breakfast

        2 duck egg scramble w/onion, orange bell pepper, 1 strip bacon, spinach and mushrooms. 2 pork sausage links. 4 oz V8. 1 greek strawberry yogurt cup.

        Am stuffed.

        Now thinking of going out with the camera for a while. Not sure where. Maybe over to a small mountain a few towns over. It has a great name - Uncanoonuc.
        5' 9" 47 YO F
        PB start June 2, 2012
        Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
        Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


        PB Journal

        Comment


        • #34
          Well I tried to hike Uncanoonuc, but it was literally running with water and mud. Not much fun, so I bailed after about an hour and a half of tramping around. Not too buggy, but the dew point is high so I was also running by the time I left - with sweat mixed with bug spray...stingy eyeballs!

          So I'm back, showered and just now beginning to get hungry. I'll find something to do with my beets...a salad I'm sure. Not sure what the hell I'll find for fat or protien; there's just no back stores of stuff to have. Then out on the deck to read. Must resist getting one of the 4 remaining Sam Adams in the fridge.
          5' 9" 47 YO F
          PB start June 2, 2012
          Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
          Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


          PB Journal

          Comment


          • #35
            Your day sounds lovely. I'm completely jealous right now. I'd love to be at home reading on the deck.
            Primal since March 5, 2012
            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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            • #36
              What cha readin?

              Comment


              • #37
                I really should finish an advanced review copy of Skios by Michael Frayn. Problem is I started Sisson's book, too. And Bag of Bones (S King) for an online group read. Plus I've got The Lodger by Marie Belloc Lowndes going on the iPad. I'll probably be a good girl and pick up Skios though since I have to review it. Uhg. It's my own fault. I hate when I do this to myself.
                5' 9" 47 YO F
                PB start June 2, 2012
                Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
                Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


                PB Journal

                Comment


                • #38
                  I've read Bag of Bones. Creepy. LOVE Stephen King. Currently reading Full Dark No Stars (it's a series of rather long "short stories")
                  Primal since March 5, 2012
                  SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                  • #39
                    When I am in school my books take a back seat, but i still go into barnes and nobels and just look through and read the first couple of pages of books - I am into fictional/horror like Brian Keene - On my Nook I have King's Mile 81 - just like King, slow intro then BAM! in your face guts. love it. lol.
                    Step away from the Sam adams, unless you can stop at 1.
                    That's why I drink Ultra. (I can't have wine)

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                    • #40
                      I've read Mile 81 too... I felt it was too short.
                      Primal since March 5, 2012
                      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                      Comment


                      • #41
                        So far no Sam.

                        I am hitting the afternoon munchie time though. I'm not hungry and won't eat, but I realize now that I usually was hungry at this time and nearly always had a snack. Usually Cheez-Its which I love, or salsa & tortilla chips. The urge for the mechanical side of snacking has hit me. The act of snack, not the need to eat if you know what I mean. It's strange. It hasn't hit me any other day up to now (today is day 7 of all Primal eating). I know I'm being ridiculous, but damn does the human animal take to routine or what?

                        King wasn't kidding when he called it Full Dark, No Stars, Jenn. Dark indeed. The first story is Poe-esque to the max though I can forgive him for that. I think another part of my 'reading dithers' is that since I finished the last Dumas novel I read, nothing else comes close to satisfying me literarily. I guess it's going to be another one up next soon - part 3 in the d'artagnan romances.

                        I guess I'll go through the (undoubtedly lousy) shots I took in my short walk in the woods today. Just to keep myself from the Cheez Its and the Sam.
                        Last edited by June68; 06-08-2012, 01:19 PM.
                        5' 9" 47 YO F
                        PB start June 2, 2012
                        Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
                        Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


                        PB Journal

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          The first two stories are dark. I liked the Poe-esque nature of the first one. I'm a Poe fan, though. The second one to me was gratifying. I'm just starting the third story and it's reminding me a lot of a cross between "Thinner" and "Insomnia". We'll see where it goes.
                          Primal since March 5, 2012
                          SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                          • #43
                            I couldn't get through Insomnia...it had the opposite effect on me.
                            5' 9" 47 YO F
                            PB start June 2, 2012
                            Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
                            Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


                            PB Journal

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              It was kind of slow at times. But I'm a die hard and usually refuse to stop reading a novel by SK even if I think it sucks. I haven't been successful with Desperation yet.
                              Primal since March 5, 2012
                              SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                              Comment


                              • #45
                                I give up if I'm not into it. I couldn't finish Under the Dome and I'm not sorry about it. Life is too short and there are too many books I will enjoy reading to do that.

                                Anyway...I'm up. It's frigging cold for June up this way and I'm not happy about it, but nature isn't going to change for me. Slept reasonably well, but woke early and just dozed a little until the sun was up, then so was I. The nice thing about the iPad is I could stay in bed and still catch up on my web life. Now I'm enjoying my coffee and soon the smell of bacon cooking will reach me from the kitchen. Not too shabby.

                                I'm hungry, but lately I've noticed that my hunger has taken on a different quality. I think now that my body is adjusting the way it takes up nutrients, it's only my stomach that is hungry, not my brain. That's the difference I think. That my hunger isn't the sucking black hole of emptiness distracting me to the exclusion of everything else, now it's just a sensation in my gut that I pay attention to, but can still function and do stuff. The emergency brain-is-dying effect has been reduced. Nice.

                                Yesterday was another day of no snacking. I don't believe I've ever had days like that before. Snacking was normal and so I've always done it. But I just wasn't hungry. I wanted the act of snack, but not the food. I think it will take some time before the impulse to eat at 4:00 goes away.

                                Dinner last night was a meatza. The 'crust' of 1/2 ground pork, 1/2 ground beef was a bit soupy and he drained off a lot of juice before and after we put the toppings on, but overall it was pretty great. Toppings were mushrooms, pepper, pepperoni, cheese, sauce (a very good marinara with no chemicals or added sugar) and spinach. It were tasty. I had some strawberries for dessert and watched the making of . Geezer is my hero. I just love that guy. Such an underrated musician. The intro to NIB is mindblowing. Anyway...

                                Saturday morning is when we do our shopping and this time it will be a quest for fat. There's just none in the house. Even so, I had a pretty good week of primal eating and am not craving anything I used to eat. Oh sure I'd like to have some Biscoffs with my coffee, but I won't and I don't feel awful about it.

                                Here's one of the shots I've been working on -
                                5' 9" 47 YO F
                                PB start June 2, 2012
                                Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
                                Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


                                PB Journal

                                Comment

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