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I never wanted my primal journal to turn into any kind of boohoo journal like a teenagers diary but I ahve been thinking about things and need to write them down.
I think Iíve figured out why Iíve been a bit ďoffĒ this weekÖ
I have been dwelling on the fact that I am not going to be a healthy weight this summer. (In NZ summer is Nov-Feb).
I started this journey in March and I think I had a lot of dreams about this summer and how Iíd be more confident and go on big walks and swim in random places and go for runs and bike rides and just be carefree like I use to be.
I didnít really SAY these things out loud but I think in my subconscious, it has really been a ďthingĒ.
The reality is I had, and still have, a lot of weight to lose. And itís not realistic to expect that from mid-March to November (7.5 months) I would lose the amount required for me to be a healthy weight. I think the reality of this dawning on me has been creating a few unhappy thoughts and has just been weighing on my mind a bit.
I try REALLY hard not to put all my hopes on losing weight but honestly, itís all Iíve got. I know how that sounds, but Iím being truthful. I am happy with myself in almost every way EXCEPT for my weight.
I need to be happier and more content, even while I am overweight. I know this, and I have known this from the start. But itís REALLY hard when people tell you, you just need to love yourself and others will too, because honestly, it has been 4 years and I donít think a single person has seen me the way I see myself in that time. I LIKE myself, I really do. I probably like myself a bit too much. No one would ever describe me as lacking confidence, really. Everyone is selfconscious at times, so my selfconsciousness about my body is not an obvious part of my character. I donít buy it any more. I donít get it, I donít. I know plenty of overweight girls who basically live as if theyíre not overweight (which is exactly how it should be, of course)Ö but for me, itís like my life STOPPED when I got fat. And there is nothing else to explain it. I have pored over it for hours, and there is absolutely nothing else besides my weight that has created this change. I am MORE confident now than when I was skinny. I am more intelligent. I am funnier. My personality has developed into a better oneÖ yet none of that has made a difference, and my life is still lacking in many ways because of my weight.
I just donít know. Like I feel so DONE sometimes. How can people tell you these positive things about loving yourself, when theyíre not true?!
I donít want to be a negative nancy. Many people have success as overweight people. It just doesnít work for me for some reason. Donít let my mood get you down.
I am writing a more positive post about what these realisations mean for me soonÖ
I know what you mean. Every summer it is a shame to live in a country where the xmas break equals summer holidays and you almost want to run away to a cold environment to cover up. When you want to have fun and play in the sun but feel the need to cover up. When it is so uncomfortable to be hot and have to cover up. When your perfect relaxing holiday would be a low key beach holiday, easily accessible, but you can't bear it. Just wanted to say I get it. And I have had those disappointed thoughts I didnt do better through the year and I can't fix it now in time. I get it, don't feel bad for writing an entry like that, many of us would feel the same. But your photos show excellent progresss. and if I dare say, you should go out there this summer. Hey, worst comes to worst, we are invisible, so anyone who looks at you now, won't know it was you when you are your ideal weight!
Nixxy, wow, you are very pretty and you are heading to looking prettier. Those big eyes!
When I wrote last I didn't see the belly pics for some reason.OMG. You had the whole overhanging belly thing (that makes it so hard to find clothes that fit) and its gone...gone! You go girl!
Aw thank you. My friends keep telling me about people we know saying things about my weight loss and my appearance and it's simultaneously nice and sad at the same time ha. I went to a friends party the other weekend and apparently this guy (who I only know through the friend group, I don't know if we've ever even had a conversation) said to my friend "she's lost lots of weight hasnt she? good on her, she's going to be so hot."
HAHAHAHA. Like it's nice but it's weird and it makes me a bit sad because some of these people had no interest in me whatsoever before and now I know people who suddenly do obviously do not give a shit about my actual personality, considering it's been the same the whole time.
Hahahah I know. I remember realising in January this year that I had that belly... and just being horrified. It snuck up on me. How a belly sneaks up on you... I don't really know, but it did.
I'm not making much progress. I have moved cities for a 3 month job and I haven't adjusted to a proper healthy routine and I am just treading water. Also I am staying with family and it is SO HARD making the right choices when they're eating bad "foods" (We know the crud they're eating isn't even definable as food). Where I normally live I cook for myself separately and I don't buy those bad foods so the temptation isn't there.
I need to kick myself up the butt and get on with it. I' always moping about slow progress but not doing anything about it. It's so hard to find a balance between appreciating the progress you've made and being happy, but also realising there's still work to be done and not letting yourself slack off.
Lately I don't even feel like I've lost weight, I just feel the same. I've gotten use to my new size and haven't noticed any progress for what feels like months. I need to stay positive and just continue.
I always tell myself, it's not like I'm ever going back to any other style of eating as my "normal". So I KNOW it's only a matter of time before I'm a healthy weight. I'm just impatient. If I continue how things have been for the last 3 months, it'd probably take me another 14 months to reach my goal. If I get my head back into it, it'll probably be more like 8 months. I mean either way, I'll get there, it's just annoying to have to wait, but I'm trying to enjoy the journey. I can't even imagine what it will feel like to suddenly realise I have no use for the scale any more and I no longer care about that number.
Current weight lost: 82.9lb (37.6kg)
All summer (3 months) I was back at my parents place for my summer job. (My summer job is in my hometown so I stay with parents)
Tried my best to stay primal but honestly it was more 60/40 than 80/20 hahaha. It's difficult being in someone elses house, eating someone elses groceries, and just not having a routine. Also, all of my friends are in my hometown in summer time so there was a lot of socialising, a lot of 21sts (including my own! ) and basically a lot of eating out. I could make a million excuses but it is what it is.
After the first month, when it became apparent my weight loss was not going to continue, I figured I may as well put the extra calories to use. Almost every weekend in summer I went on a big hike. Some amaaaaazing places in NZ, really don't get to see enough of them. I also, surprisingly, have become fond of powerlifting! 3-5x a week I have been up in the gym workin on my strength. My summer basically turned into a strength gaining period. I think I made the best of the situation, given I was eating excess calories either way.
Anyway, as of 4 days ago I am back in my own place, back to primal 80/20 (actually more like 90/10), and back into weight loss mode.
The strength training all summer has had a wonderful effect on my body and my baby muscles aren't so baby any more. I'll list my PRs here because this is a great way to keep records (Reading back over this journal is highly entertaining)
Squat: 90kg/198lb for one rep
Deadlift: 95kg/209lb for 6 reps
Bench: 40kg/88lb for 5 reps
The best thing I have gained is a whole new view on things. am really not caught up on weight like I was and it's a wonderful relief. These past 4 days of primal have been so enjoyable. The good news is, I didn't even gain any weight over summer! Maybe 2lb, but it could be water, I don't even know.
So I'm happy! Ready to continue lowering my bodyfat, gaining health, and continuing on this new journey with powerlifting!
Current weight lost: 82.9lb (37.6kg)