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Dexy's Anorexic Recovery

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  • #31
    As it happens I was ill last night...hence not feeling like eating but eating anyway. Listening to my body not so natural yet, but I do believe I'm getting there.

    At about midnight I woke with acute stabbing pains in my guts, dreadful, had an urge to vomit and dashed to the loo and wasn't sure which end to put on it first. The pains conitnued for about 10 minutes and then stopped, so sickness of diaorhea (I cannot ever spell that word). I had a spoon of potato last night - could that be it? Surely not? A mystery.

    I felt very tired this morning and had to drag myself out of bed. I did Body Pump as I always do on Thursday but found it hard and couldn't finish all the sets on any of the muscle groups - chest, triceps and shoulders felt especially weak.

    My throat is a bit sore tonight and I have nearly lost my voice. What would Mark say?! He'd tell me to take it easy and not excercise when I'm sick. And I probably wouldn't listen to him either.

    Breakfast - none
    Lunch - lambs liver fried in cocnonut flour and oil with two browned onions, a bunch of red chard and two fried eggs on top. Yum. An apple.
    Dinner - 2/3 salmon fillet fried in butter, 2 small sweet potatoes, 4 zuchinnis. Greek yoghurt and a banana.

    Just looking at this there's probably a protein overload today. Not sure. I feel a little bit hungry tonight but I think it's limbic. I weighed in at 62.1kg. I always consider 61kg my 'safe' weight where I'm definintely thin.

    Day 10 without binging or compulsively over-eating. No calorie counting. I think this Primal thing is working for me, I like it.

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by Gadsie View Post
      Here's my theory,
      When you're overweight (and thus have a messed up metabolism) you can't trust your hunger signals. But when you're at a healthy weight, your body gets hungry for a good reason because your metabolism works fine. So in this case, it doesn't really matter if you keep on eating even if you're full, just make sure you wait until eating again until you're hungry again. So if you stuffed yourself (with healthy food) you don't have to purge by going through a period of hunger after, because a healthy metabolism will automatically make up your overeating by not feeling hungry very fast after overeating.
      I hope you understand what I mean, english isnt my first language.

      This is all just a theory though
      Considering this isn't your first language I thin you explain in very well! I know exactly what you mean and I agree. But no matter how healthy my metabolism is (and it probably is very healthy) it is tuned out by my anorexic thinking. I don't know yet how to listen to my body and my head overrides my needs. Working on it though. Slowly slowly.

      Comment


      • #33
        hey Dex...total stranger here. I'm sorry you're yo-yoing all over with moods and energy, but I think your persistence with trying to fix things is admirable. You abused yourself a long time and it will take a while to recover and get your systems working optimally again. I think if you notice improvements in your overall wellness, it's a good thing even if some of the details get you down. Keep your head and your heart in the right place...I think you're doing well. Didn't you need that from a total stranger?
        5' 9" 47 YO F
        PB start June 2, 2012
        Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
        Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs


        PB Journal

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        • #34
          Originally posted by June68 View Post
          hey Dex...total stranger here. I'm sorry you're yo-yoing all over with moods and energy, but I think your persistence with trying to fix things is admirable. You abused yourself a long time and it will take a while to recover and get your systems working optimally again. I think if you notice improvements in your overall wellness, it's a good thing even if some of the details get you down. Keep your head and your heart in the right place...I think you're doing well. Didn't you need that from a total stranger?
          I really did need that from a total stranger! Thank you June68. I know my moods and energy are up and down, but this is what I want to capture here. But you know what...things are changing, it's great. Thanks for your support and interest.

          Comment


          • #35
            Just for back from my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Eating only primal foods is working for me and means I can be less rigarous with my food plan, rules don't suit me so well. However, I have just eaten a snack I probably didn'really need jsut because I can. I had some walnuts, a couple of dried apricots and a few spoons of Greek yoghurt straight from my 1kilogram tub!

            I'm itching on my scalp and face and my eyes are read and irritated. Have taken an anihistamine, I have no idea what might have caused this, I'm learning so much about how I respond to different foods so will log it and wait and see it it reoccurs.

            Took the kids on a walk up the Barrenjoey Lighthouse today after reading Mark's post about the need to be out of doors. Quite a steep climb and my 17kg 2 year old refused to walk, so I carried him and it was a breeze. At the top people remarked on how amazing it was that I carried him all the way...thanks Heavy Things for giving me the ability to do this when I needed it most. I don't realise how strong I am, I must be, I barely broke into a sweat. I carried him all the way back down and along the beach as well, I enjoyed the cuddle. And this with a full backpack on.

            Breakfast - 3 fried eggs, 1/2 avocado, cherry tomatoes.
            Lunch - 2 bunches bok choy stirfired in cononut oil, carrot and 1/2 large tin of tuna in olive oil. 1/2 apple. grapes, banana.
            Snack - roasted almonds
            Dinner - 3 small sweet potato, beef bolognese, 2 heads brocolli, dark chocolate.

            I feel a bit tearful tonight and feel I've overeaten. I've lsot weight as my jeans feel loose. Of course I am anorexically thrilled, but also very surprised as this has not been my intention. My poor body doesn't know what is going on without my binges, so I'll leave things to settle and see what happens. I may well need to eat more, I'll see. Maybe I'm meant to be lean as I'm not starving myself and am nourished. Though I do still have hungry times. Not sure. Tired and confused so am off to bed now.

            Comment


            • #36
              Today has been tough. Our two year old came down with a fever late last night and howled and howled on and off all night long. We couldn't settle him or comfort him and he felt so rotten he just cried. So I had about 4 hours of broken sleep then was up at 5.45am with out four year old. My husband had sat up with the little one through the night so I let the two of them sleep and took N out with me at 7.30am. I'm teaching him to walk a lot and he's getting pretty good at it and hardly moans these days. I went to a meeting and then to the gym. Really I was far too tired to workout but I did 55 minutes of gentle cardio on the bike, treadmill and x-trainer. Then we went for a coffee, did some shopping and walked home again.

              I started to cook brekafast this morning and then started to feel quite nauesous. I think i am intolerant to walnuts, I can't see what else it was from yesterday. I felt moderate inflammation in my lower abdomen all day and have been quite bloated an uncomfortable. By lunch I was ravenous and had:

              Lunch - 2 slices bacon, 2 fried eggs, 250g mushrooms sauteed in butter, cherry tomatoes, half an avocado, red delcicious apple.
              Snack - roasted almonds in olive oil and salt
              Dinner - creamy chicken korma, broccoli, zuchinni, carrots and brussel sprouts. Greek yoghurt, chopped fried almonds, shredded coconut, almonds, dark chocolate and honey and two small bananas.

              I was starving by mid-afternoon and had the nuts when I got home. Then I started to feel tired and grumpy and over-ate at dinner. Then i got the binge feeling and had a small bowl of yoghurt, but after dinner even though I was full went rifling through the cupboards. I wanted honey and this time instead of having an all out binge and ending up back at the honey 2000 calories later, I had the rather decadent desert I have listed for my dinner. It was delicious and even though I am feeling a bit panicky about it I will let it go, maybe I needed it. I feel better for having it.

              Weighed in at 62.2kg again. So staying the same even though eating all this food.

              Feeling stressed today, sore in my traps and a bit triggered by all the anorexia and eating threads in the forums these last few days.

              I didn't binge tonight, I took the primal food I wanted and I ate it. Wow. This is progress. Day 13 no binges.

              Comment


              • #37
                Originally posted by Dexy View Post
                Today has been tough. Our two year old came down with a fever late last night and howled and howled on and off all night long. We couldn't settle him or comfort him and he felt so rotten he just cried. So I had about 4 hours of broken sleep then was up at 5.45am with out four year old. My husband had sat up with the little one through the night so I let the two of them sleep and took N out with me at 7.30am. I'm teaching him to walk a lot and he's getting pretty good at it and hardly moans these days. I went to a meeting and then to the gym. Really I was far too tired to workout but I did 55 minutes of gentle cardio on the bike, treadmill and x-trainer. Then we went for a coffee, did some shopping and walked home again.

                I started to cook brekafast this morning and then started to feel quite nauesous. I think i am intolerant to walnuts, I can't see what else it was from yesterday. I felt moderate inflammation in my lower abdomen all day and have been quite bloated an uncomfortable. By lunch I was ravenous and had:

                Lunch - 2 slices bacon, 2 fried eggs, 250g mushrooms sauteed in butter, cherry tomatoes, half an avocado, red delcicious apple.
                Snack - roasted almonds in olive oil and salt
                Dinner - creamy chicken korma, broccoli, zuchinni, carrots and brussel sprouts. Greek yoghurt, chopped fried almonds, shredded coconut, almonds, dark chocolate and honey and two small bananas.

                I was starving by mid-afternoon and had the nuts when I got home. Then I started to feel tired and grumpy and over-ate at dinner. Then i got the binge feeling and had a small bowl of yoghurt, but after dinner even though I was full went rifling through the cupboards. I wanted honey and this time instead of having an all out binge and ending up back at the honey 2000 calories later, I had the rather decadent desert I have listed for my dinner. It was delicious and even though I am feeling a bit panicky about it I will let it go, maybe I needed it. I feel better for having it.

                Weighed in at 62.2kg again. So staying the same even though eating all this food.

                Feeling stressed today, sore in my traps and a bit triggered by all the anorexia and eating threads in the forums these last few days.

                I didn't binge tonight, I took the primal food I wanted and I ate it. Wow. This is progress. Day 13 no binges.
                What do you considera binge?
                well then

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by Gadsie View Post
                  What do you considera binge?
                  Eating in a frenzied fashion when I am not hungry. Compulsive over-eating. I can tell when eating turns to binging as it picks up pace and I stop making considered choices about what goes into my mouth. I start stuffing myself instead of feeding myself. it's not pretty! What about you?

                  And last night I went to bed still with a growling stomach, so definitely not a binge. My hunger signals are all over the place still. I'm finding it such a steep learning curve. How are you going? Things seem to be getting a bit easier for you aorund food and anxiety?

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                  • #39
                    I feel revolting around food today. I've been very triggered and compulsive and didn't get the chance to excercise because of the rain and I feel dreadfully bloated and like a failure. Most of this is in my head because I've been 100% primal, I didn't binge eat and it's just as well I had a rest today as I've been ill for a couple of weeks and need one. But isntead I have plans to puge these feelings through missing breakfast from Monday through Friday and doing and extra gym session tomorrow (I can as husband at home).

                    Breakfast: I was ravenous, got a sleep-in until 9am. 2 fried eggs, 2 bacond rashers, 1 tomato, cherry tomatoes, half an avocado.
                    Lunch: chicken breast, big bunch bok choy, ginger, garlic, left-over veg from last night -all strifried in coconut oil. Apple, large bunch of grapes
                    Snack: more of said grapes (compulsive, horrible feeling, but only grapes right?!), handful raw almonds
                    Dinner - small lamb chop (Aldi, boney and skinny, wouldn't buy again), salad - lettuce, red pepper, fennel, avocado, celery and dressing) some chips (I know I know, made them fro the kids, they were delicious, I ate probably a small potatoes worth fried in sunflower oil, not 100% primal then). Square of 85% chocolate and more demon grapes.

                    I jsut want this to pass, am so anxious about the grapes and chips. If I've put on weight when I weigh myself at the gym tomorrow I'm not sure if I'll cope.

                    Set off for a walk this afternoon and 10 minutes into it the heavens opened and I was drenched. Squelchy feet, cold hands and we legs I came home shivering. Had left it too late to go to the gym. Found it hard to relax today, so edgy. My stomach is very bloated. Self-hatred particularly evident tonight. Spoke to my OA sponsor but it didn't seem to help much. Tomorrow will be a new day.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      I am 64.3kg - how did this happen? I know, breakfasts, almonds, bacon and avocados. I am in meltdown and dizzy with anxiety. I have gained over 2kg in a matter of days.

                      I was hungry again late last night and had 3 beef sausages, some Jarlsburg cheese, a few almonds and dried apricots and a red pepper (raw). Woke up this morning STARVING.

                      Breakfast - 3 egg omlette with Jarlsburg, 2 tomatoes.
                      Lunch - calf liver, 3 bok choy, carrot, mushrooms, red pepper - strirfired in beef tallow an olive oil (my stomach churned a bit in the prep and cooking of this, but I ate it for my bloody iron deficiency). An apple.
                      Snack - 2 sausages, Jarlsburg, mandarin.
                      Dinner - 1 bacon rasher, cottage cheese, BAS. Greek yoghurt and a small banana.

                      I went to the gym and did a 55minute run on the treadmill, heart rate lower than 155. Feel very anxious and totally out of control with food. I hate this. Planned to get to an OA meeting tonight but didn't make it has husband late getting the kids back and I worked for longer than I'd wanted to. Tomorrow is a new day. Ugh. Sometimes I think I'm never going to get this right. Whatever right is. Maybe I need to put on weight, I just don't want to.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Hey, just wanted to pop in. Please remember that the weight gain is likely due to water retention. It's HIGHLY unlikely (like 99.999% unlikely) that you gained 2kg of fat in a matter of days. Feeding yourself well is the best way to recover from feeding yourself poorly.

                        Props to you for focusing on recovery, I know it can be a difficult path to follow.

                        I wonder, have you read the Primal Blueprint or at least Mark's free e-book on exercise? Most of what I'm reading in your journal says you do cardio, are you incorporating any other kinds of physical activity?
                        Depression Lies

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Dexy View Post
                          Eating in a frenzied fashion when I am not hungry. Compulsive over-eating. I can tell when eating turns to binging as it picks up pace and I stop making considered choices about what goes into my mouth. I start stuffing myself instead of feeding myself. it's not pretty! What about you?

                          And last night I went to bed still with a growling stomach, so definitely not a binge. My hunger signals are all over the place still. I'm finding it such a steep learning curve. How are you going? Things seem to be getting a bit easier for you aorund food and anxiety?
                          When I binge I always keep on making considered choices which are always primal, but still not healthy in the amounts I eat them. Like half a bag of nuts and tons of cheese etc.
                          A binge-feeling for me is feeling very tensed and it almost feels like my body is about to run to the kitchen on its own.

                          I have that same exact feeling while I'm typing this right now, I want to eat an entire bag of macadamias so bad. I really have to fight my body not to run to the store right now Until now I have always given in, but I think I can hold back this time
                          Last edited by Gadsie; 06-11-2012, 09:58 AM.
                          well then

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                            Hey, just wanted to pop in. Please remember that the weight gain is likely due to water retention. It's HIGHLY unlikely (like 99.999% unlikely) that you gained 2kg of fat in a matter of days. Feeding yourself well is the best way to recover from feeding yourself poorly.

                            Props to you for focusing on recovery, I know it can be a difficult path to follow.

                            I wonder, have you read the Primal Blueprint or at least Mark's free e-book on exercise? Most of what I'm reading in your journal says you do cardio, are you incorporating any other kinds of physical activity?
                            Hi Nameless Wonder, thank for poppping by!

                            I weighed again today at 63.7kg. I have gained weight as I've eaten a lot more calories and fat than I normally would over a few days. I'm sure some of it is water, but I supsect most of it is fat. Ugh.

                            Yes I've read the books and ebooks. I don't really do much cardio, I usually go for a walk at the weekend but the last two weeks it's rained so I went to the gym and did a gentle run instead. I do cardio in the gym once a week (not chronic, I hate and loath it) as I have two pre-schoolers and it's the only place I can really ge some movement happening. I LHT twice a week and love it. I've been lifting for 2 years and thrive on it. I lifted for about 40 minutes this morning and will again later this week. I also walk a lot, but so wet here at the moment!

                            I'm really trying with recovery, it's hard. I let go a bit and eat more, then can't handle the weight gain and start all over again. Are you in recovery too? Or recovered? (can there be a recovered?! or is it always in the present tense?)

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              I wonder about recovery as well. I have experience with anxiety & depression, as well as being a former self-injurer (6 years since quitting, 4 since last relapse). My sister was hospitalized for anorexia several years ago and is vegan now. I worry about her a lot and am very wary about my eating habits and relationship with food. From seeing what happened to her, and my own history with anxiety and depression, I have at least a second-hand sense of how terrible it can be.

                              I am glad to hear that you are lifting! I guess the cardio stood out to me. I could use more myself, I mostly just do kettlebell exercises at home on occasion, and walk a bit on the weekends. I'd like to be able to run a mile without dying at the end someday haha.
                              Depression Lies

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                                I wonder about recovery as well. I have experience with anxiety & depression, as well as being a former self-injurer (6 years since quitting, 4 since last relapse). My sister was hospitalized for anorexia several years ago and is vegan now. I worry about her a lot and am very wary about my eating habits and relationship with food. From seeing what happened to her, and my own history with anxiety and depression, I have at least a second-hand sense of how terrible it can be.

                                I am glad to hear that you are lifting! I guess the cardio stood out to me. I could use more myself, I mostly just do kettlebell exercises at home on occasion, and walk a bit on the weekends. I'd like to be able to run a mile without dying at the end someday haha.
                                Oh wow, I had a hideous time with self-harm from age 5 to late twenties. And anxiety and depression are like old friends. So how has primal worked for you? Is there anything you would recommend? I had a little look at your blog yesterday, will read tonight when I have some time. I am beginning to see the links between diet and mental health.

                                Kettle bells! I'm impressed. I stare longingly at the gym but am too scared to use them as am sure could cause seriuos injury to me or those around me. The weights at my female only gym are too light for me and I can't get the bar heavy enough which is pretty annoying but there are some shiny and very heavy kettle bells sitting on the rack which I've never seen being used.

                                I actually quite like a gentle run, it feels good and I've loved it since I was a child.

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