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Dexy's Anorexic Recovery

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  • #16
    I had breakfast today for first time in 3 weeks. I woek up hungry, then got hungrier, and after dropping child off at pre-school had that raging solar plexus hunger that excludes all else - so I ate. I was a little fearful around it as sometimes breakfast just leaves me even hungrier regardless of what I eat. This was about 3 hours after waking and I had lunch early today as was meeting a friend, so I knew I coudl handle it.

    A couple of hours before dinner and just before had a client due I was struck ravenous again so had a tamari egg and some of dinner's bolognese sauce - I was worried about binging but I ate slowly and mindfully and out it back when the intense hunger had stopped. More binging urges after dinner, I put leftovers away immediately now and try hard not to pick at kid's food.

    I didn't count calories, I'm feeling mentally heaps better from a few days ago. My bad wind was atrocious last night and I nearly blew my poor husband out of bed but those symptoms are better today. I have a cough and feel a little shivery, but this is probably not a food response, our entire family is sick, but me only a teeny tiny primal little bit.

    No excercise today, I had a wee walk with my little one in the pram. I ate:

    Breakfast - 3 scrambled eggs with butter and chicken liver pate, small salad.
    Lunch - tuna and salad (seriously needed may but didn't have time to make any) and an apple.
    Snack - tamari egg, bolognese
    Dinner - beef bolognese (grass fed), sweet potatos, Greek yoghurt and a navel orange.

    Feeling ok, which is odd as should be wildly pre-menstrual. Pretty tired though, only averaged 5 or 6 hours a night this week

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    • #17
      There's a lot on the boards at the moment about EDs and where I thought this kind of discussion would be helpful I actually find it incredibly triggering. I feel terrible shame for being anorexic and there are so many well-meaning voices out there crying 'do this try that' it send me into orbit.

      I have eaten a lot today and had breakfast once again but cannot tomorrow as now feel I have to contain my calories for the next few days. I didn't count calories until just now after dinner...I did it for purely scientific purpose though! I wanted to know what 3 good primal meals eating as much as I wanted felt like - and nowhere near as many calories as I thought. About 2400, much more that I would normally eat, but on a carn binge I'll top 40000.

      Saw my psychiatrist today who says I'm doing well. A lot better than I was a month ago. So much of my stability is dependant on where I am with my food and body. If I binge I go into meltdown.

      No excersize at all today. Going to the gym tomorrow and weigh in day - a bit dreading it as would hate to have gone up. Was 62.6kg on Monday. Two rest days in a row don't suit me and I'm hanging for some lifting.

      My IBS is back full force after dinner and have no idea why. Have no grains or seed oils or junk to blame it on. Could be that I ate too much, not good with portion control.

      Today I ate:

      Breakfast - sweet potatos and leftover beef bolognese, two coffees.
      Lunch - leeks sauteed in butter, 4 poached eggs, an apple
      Dinner - pulled pork shoulder, nearly the entire crackling (!), carrots, wombuk cabbage followed by a persimmon and some dark chocolate. I'm as full as a butcher's dog.

      I have big urges to binge tonight but cannot possiblt be hungry and have eaten quantites of fat and primal food - so that theory doesn't seem to work. However, I'm giving this my best shot. I know primal will work for me, it is working.

      And my 4 year old asked for yoghurt and fruit for breakfast this morning instead of porridge and my 2 year old had "eggies". Yay.

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      • #18
        I am feeling a little reticent to post here, as I don't want to say anything to trigger you. Plus, I'm just plain shy about posting. However, I wanted to tell you how helpful it was for me to read your posts on this topic. Thank you for sharing your process here. I'm realizing only recently that a lot of my eating and thinking about eating is highly disordered. It's actually a relief to finally admit it as I've spent my life avoiding and denying and rationalizing my behavior (and thinking) around food. And while eating primally has been largely a positive experience for me, I can see how I need a lot more support -- professional and otherwise -- to truly start to get a handle on my mental health issues and ED stuff. I wish you well on your journey. You're definitely not alone...

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Dotty View Post
          I am feeling a little reticent to post here, as I don't want to say anything to trigger you. Plus, I'm just plain shy about posting. However, I wanted to tell you how helpful it was for me to read your posts on this topic. Thank you for sharing your process here. I'm realizing only recently that a lot of my eating and thinking about eating is highly disordered. It's actually a relief to finally admit it as I've spent my life avoiding and denying and rationalizing my behavior (and thinking) around food. And while eating primally has been largely a positive experience for me, I can see how I need a lot more support -- professional and otherwise -- to truly start to get a handle on my mental health issues and ED stuff. I wish you well on your journey. You're definitely not alone...
          Thank you Dotty. Neither are you. It's a very hard thing to get honest about and it's very easy to hide (I'm not underweight). I hope you can get some help too.

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          • #20
            Feeling a bit shaky this morning. I didn't post last night as was too tired and a bit scared about the food stuff.

            Yesterday I missed breakfast and did Les Mills Body Pump at my gym (nobody seems to post about this, I love it!) and took my boys to Sushi Train for a teat they'd earned from their good behaviour sticker charts. I had already planned what to have which helped as hundreds of plates chugged past me. I ate 2 plates of seaweed, 2 sahimi and some edamame beans and a green tea. That was at about midday. At lunchtime I had a salad, sweet potato, 2 poached eggs and a persimmon. I felt greedy and a bit full, basically I had 2 lunches.

            At dinner I made a strirfry out of left over pork shoulder which was full of gai lan, chili, gingerm, garlic, beansprouts, mushrooms and red capsicum. I was pretty full but had my yoghurt and a tangelo anyway becasue it was on my foodplan. I felt stuffed. But then at about 9.30 I was hungry again but very careful not to binge. I had the leftover stir fry (breakthrough) and a little bit more yoghurt with some grapes. Then I felt ok and I DIDN'T BINGE!!! But I still went to bed feeling as if I'd failed. Couldn't sleep last night and a bit tearful about it this morning.

            BTW I weighed in at 62.6kg again so no change at all.

            My food plan was to have no breakfast again this morning but I was hunfry and had 3 fried eggs, fried mushrooms and a tomato. I feel bad and fat. But I'm neither, so i will plough on.

            My food for the rest of the day will be:

            Lunch - tuscan cabbage (never had this before!) and some more pork, a persimmon
            Dinner - BAS and sardines (will try some homemade mayo), tangelo and dark chocolate.

            Am off to OA meeting tonight and will need to check in with my sponsor as she jsut got back from holiday. I need to add oats as a trigger food to my food plan and abstinent foods.

            Feeling scared, want to go to the gym and do some cardio but have a bad chest and have promised to spend the morningwith my kids. Aaahh. This is hard work, but I'm ok.

            Comment


            • #21
              I strayed a bit from my food plan today...but that's ok. The compulsive need to excercise stayed all day. I'm totally sleep deprived and have quite a chesty cough as does my 2 year old, the gym no place for either of us. I took the boys out in the pram and I got a walk in, then we got the bus home. I was rattled and tired this afternoon but realised after is just tiredness mixed with anxiety.

              I barbecued some grassfed sausages my husband bought (a miracle, he's hearing me!) and had two jsut before I started work then only had one for my dinner. I know snacking not particularly primal, but it's not as if I need to lose weight. For dinner I also had a little bit of Jarlsberg, saurkraut and a big salad of baby spinach, cos lettuce, tomato, red pepper and celery. I had some honeydew melon (I think I'm reacting to it actually) and a piece of 85% chocolate.

              My bellybutton is sticking right out and very painful to the touch, I haven't had this since I've been primal. I had a teeny piece of potato (testing to see if it was salty for kids) and think it could even be this. Something somehwere is really upsetting my insides.

              I thought I was pre-menstrual this week and launched into the sweet potatos, but as it turns out that is in fact next week. Whoops.

              I will go to the gym tomorrow. Then in the evening amd going to my friend's house for the night, a bit anxious about food and what she'll give me. Ugh. It's a minefield out there.

              Comment


              • #22
                I stayed at a friend's last night and instead of it being a scary excercise in food management I've come back feeling quite liberated.

                From yesterday then. I went to the gym and did my usual 55 minutes of cardio keeping my heart rate below 75% (for me 155bpm). I shouldn't have been there and was coughing afterwards. My heartrate was creeping up fast, I assume because I'm sick. I did adjust my levels on the equipment accordingly but it wasn't good for me. My weight was 63.2kg which is a weight gain, but my period started yesterday ( I have got my dates so muddled, I was bang on with the sweet potatos after all). I'm surprised by my lack of PMS this month, fantastic as it usually kills me.

                Yesterday I ate:

                Breakfast - nothing except 2 coffees with A2 milk.
                Lunch - mushrooms sauted with baby spinach, 3 fried eggs and a huge salad (cos lettuce, red pepper, fennel, carrot) and dressing. Then a tangelo ( I love these).
                Dinner - went out and I chose Thai as feel safe with primal aspects of it, I had Tom Ka Gai and beeg Panang. I had an orange afterwards.

                Today I ate:

                Breakfast: nothing (this is acutally working for me, which i didn't expect)
                Lunch - 3 fried eggs, 3 bacond rashers, mushrooms sauteed in butter, 2 tomatos and a carrot.
                Snack - apple and raw almonds
                Dinner - roast chicken, pumpkin, cabbage and some Greek yoghurt and a tangelo.

                I also went to the gym today, I normally go for a long walk on a Sunday but it was pouring with rain. I ran for 55 minutes on the treadmil on a lower setting than normal but I checked my heart rate towards the end and it was 165 - whoops! I think again becasue I'm ill. I know I;m damaging my body excersising when I'm ill but I can't stop. Oh, and I had 11 hours sleep last night! My friend woke me with a cup of tea at 9am...bliss.

                Today I am 7 days abstintent from a binge. I did an OA meeting on Friday and realised how much better I'm feeling around food. I feel a binge coming on tonight but I could just be hungry, so I'll give it a little while then maybe have some more yoghurt. I haven't counted calories for a few days and haven't even wanted too. I have obsessed barely at all about food in the last 24 hours. The success story this week on MDA really helped me. I feel a bit more validated and sure of myself that I am on the right track. I want to do this and I like it. Food is awesome. My lunch today was a work of art. I feel good. Yay.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Dexy View Post
                  I stayed at a friend's last night and instead of it being a scary excercise in food management I've come back feeling quite liberated.

                  From yesterday then. I went to the gym and did my usual 55 minutes of cardio keeping my heart rate below 75% (for me 155bpm). I shouldn't have been there and was coughing afterwards. My heartrate was creeping up fast, I assume because I'm sick. I did adjust my levels on the equipment accordingly but it wasn't good for me. My weight was 63.2kg which is a weight gain, but my period started yesterday ( I have got my dates so muddled, I was bang on with the sweet potatos after all). I'm surprised by my lack of PMS this month, fantastic as it usually kills me.

                  Yesterday I ate:

                  Breakfast - nothing except 2 coffees with A2 milk.
                  Lunch - mushrooms sauted with baby spinach, 3 fried eggs and a huge salad (cos lettuce, red pepper, fennel, carrot) and dressing. Then a tangelo ( I love these).
                  Dinner - went out and I chose Thai as feel safe with primal aspects of it, I had Tom Ka Gai and beeg Panang. I had an orange afterwards.

                  Today I ate:

                  Breakfast: nothing (this is acutally working for me, which i didn't expect)
                  Lunch - 3 fried eggs, 3 bacond rashers, mushrooms sauteed in butter, 2 tomatos and a carrot.
                  Snack - apple and raw almonds
                  Dinner - roast chicken, pumpkin, cabbage and some Greek yoghurt and a tangelo.

                  I also went to the gym today, I normally go for a long walk on a Sunday but it was pouring with rain. I ran for 55 minutes on the treadmil on a lower setting than normal but I checked my heart rate towards the end and it was 165 - whoops! I think again becasue I'm ill. I know I;m damaging my body excersising when I'm ill but I can't stop. Oh, and I had 11 hours sleep last night! My friend woke me with a cup of tea at 9am...bliss.

                  Today I am 7 days abstintent from a binge. I did an OA meeting on Friday and realised how much better I'm feeling around food. I feel a binge coming on tonight but I could just be hungry, so I'll give it a little while then maybe have some more yoghurt. I haven't counted calories for a few days and haven't even wanted too. I have obsessed barely at all about food in the last 24 hours. The success story this week on MDA really helped me. I feel a bit more validated and sure of myself that I am on the right track. I want to do this and I like it. Food is awesome. My lunch today was a work of art. I feel good. Yay.
                  Awesome! I feel better around food as well lately. I went out for dinner with my parents yesterday and I ordered beef, it came with a lot sauce poured over, probably crap sauce, normally I would feel like crap mentally for a week after eating such as thing. But this time I was like "oh well, I won't die". I hope you will continue to feel better around food!
                  well then

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Gadsie View Post
                    Awesome! I feel better around food as well lately. I went out for dinner with my parents yesterday and I ordered beef, it came with a lot sauce poured over, probably crap sauce, normally I would feel like crap mentally for a week after eating such as thing. But this time I was like "oh well, I won't die". I hope you will continue to feel better around food!
                    The chicken I had last night was pre-stuffed (husband did the shopping) I didn't even look at the ingredients as so utterly non-primal. But it was delish - and when I woke up this morning my head hadn't fallen off. Glad you're feeling the strength too. It's great to get support from other members, I really like it.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      I posted last night that I was still hungry and it turns out I was, I could actually feel hunger as hunger really is and this for me is a small miracle. I'm taking very seriously the eating only primal foods thing. I ended up eating some almonds I roasted in oil and salt (a large handful), a couple of dried apricots and a satsuma. That was it, it wasn't even a binge, then I wasn't hungry anymore and I went to bed. This, I think, is recovery.

                      I woke up hungry today but felt some remorse about my pre-bed snacking. Was starving by lunch and had leftover chicken, a small head of cauliflower and some carrots. I parboiled the cauliflower and carrots then put the whole lot in a wok with some Lea Perrins (not very primal, but I fancied it). Then an apple. This afternoon I was straving again and had some almonds and a tomato. I don't like snacking as it seems to undo me - why am I missing breakfast to snack on nuts later in the day? I'm going to have breakfast tomorrow and ditch the snacking. I'm lifting tomorrow so would probably benefit from my beloved eggs.

                      For dinner tonight I had a salad (lettuce, red pepper, fennel, celery and some pumpkin seeds and dressing) and a 3 egg omlette with cheese and avocado inside. Yummo. And some melon. And a piece of dark chocolate.

                      No excercise today. My chest feeling much better and have nearly stopped coughing.

                      I didn't count calories. I didn't binge. I didn't restrict (much). Now I'm scared that I'll put on weight, will binge to sabotage and the whole thing starts all over again. This is scary.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Baby steps! I think that recognizing hunger as a signal to eat is awesome and being able to control your snacking is HUGE! It's important to listen to our bodies when they're telling us something legit.

                        As a chronic snacker I have been hugely changed by amping up my morning breakfast. Such a difference from the one egg and piece of toast I did a few years ago when I lost a bunch of weight (and, as my friends pointed out, looked sick) and I feel so much better and feel like I have much more control later in the day. Just a thought!

                        Hope you have a wonderful day!

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by AbigailLyn View Post
                          Baby steps! I think that recognizing hunger as a signal to eat is awesome and being able to control your snacking is HUGE! It's important to listen to our bodies when they're telling us something legit.

                          As a chronic snacker I have been hugely changed by amping up my morning breakfast. Such a difference from the one egg and piece of toast I did a few years ago when I lost a bunch of weight (and, as my friends pointed out, looked sick) and I feel so much better and feel like I have much more control later in the day. Just a thought!

                          Hope you have a wonderful day!
                          You're absoutely right, snacking is not the way I want to go, but if I'm starving I need to eat. I had breakfast this morning and am hoping this will stop the afternoon hunger. Thanks for your thoughts.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Another day of good primal eating and no calorie counting. I feel a bit over-full tonight and snacked on nuts again this afternoon despite having breakfast. Not sure I want to keep doing this and the FEAR of weight gain is ever present. However, I weighed in at 62.2kg today, which is the weight I've been since starting primal even though it goes up and down, it comes back to about here.

                            Did heavy lifting today, I love the feel of lifting those weights. One of the instructors commented on how ultra fit I look, which feels good. I like being told I look fit, it's better than being told I look skinny which sends mixed messages jingling throughout my disordered brain. I do all major muscles groups, two sets, fairly heavy but no super heavy. I do as many reps as I feel like on the day, I did more today than last week as felt much more energetic.

                            Finally I feel as if I'm understanding what it means to be primal. I noticed today my quads are well defined as I've been making an extra effort in the last 6 weeks to lift heavier weights. I feel strong and I'm starting to listen to my body's singnals for the first time in my whole life.

                            I went to bed hungry last night and woke up from hunger at about 3am. By breakfast I was just about ready to eat my own children. I had 3 fried eggs and two fat tomatos with aged balsamic vinegar. Lunch was 12 oysters (for my aneamia) and a BAS (lettuce, carrot, fennel, red pepper and celery). An apple. I had roast almonds this afternoon before work and for dinner lambs liver with gracy and onions, pumpkin, cauliflower and some Greek yoghurt with a satsuma and some grapes.

                            I'm going to have liver for lucn tomorrow and keep working on my iron. I still find it slightly distasteful, but I'm determined!

                            So I've eaten only primal foods and only when I'm hungry and haven't gained weight. This is good. Maybe they were all right! Day 9 of abstinence from non-primal food and binges.

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                            • #29
                              I feel shitty tonight around my food today, but I don't know why. It's been a primal day, no binges, no calorie counting. Rest day today, might be feeling a bit cranky as have been couped up in the rain with noisy boys.

                              Breakfast - 3 egg omlette with Jarsberg cheese, 2 tomatoes. 2 coffees with A2 milk.
                              Lunch - lambs liver in cocnut flour, onions, pumpkin, chinese cabbage, 2 carrots and chicken bone broth. Apple.
                              Snack - almonds (I think this is why I feel shit, I didn't need this but 3 days in a row it feels like a habit)
                              Dinner - sardines in olive oil, salad - cos lettuce, carrot, celery, cherry tomatos, sunflower seeds. Dark chocolate, pear and a satsuma.

                              I had an argument with my husband at dinner time and lost my appetite but ate anyway. I didn't like anything about dinner very much. I wish I could listen to myself and not eat if I don't feel like it. I feel very fat tonight and it feels as though my stomach is huge and bulging and hangin over my jeans.

                              Tomorrow I am definitely not having any snack and I'm not having breakfast for a few days either or I am going to get really FAT.

                              A ridiculous place my head went to today ( this is ED thinking in action). I am not underweight, therefore this means I am not technically anoroxic, therefore I'd better get underweight so I can be properly anorexic. What?!

                              Whatever this shitty feeling is, I hope it passes. I've realised with only eating primal foods - if I don't want to eat eggs then I;m not acutally hungry. I went scratching round in the pantry after dinner, was eyeing up the bread for some toast, picked at a piece of walnut, felt grossed out by dried fruit, realised I didn't want to eat eggs (when I'm hungry the thought of eggs has me salivating) and shut the door. Not Hungry Here. Day 10 of non-binging. Yay.

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Dexy View Post
                                I feel shitty tonight around my food today, but I don't know why. It's been a primal day, no binges, no calorie counting. Rest day today, might be feeling a bit cranky as have been couped up in the rain with noisy boys.

                                Breakfast - 3 egg omlette with Jarsberg cheese, 2 tomatoes. 2 coffees with A2 milk.
                                Lunch - lambs liver in cocnut flour, onions, pumpkin, chinese cabbage, 2 carrots and chicken bone broth. Apple.
                                Snack - almonds (I think this is why I feel shit, I didn't need this but 3 days in a row it feels like a habit)
                                Dinner - sardines in olive oil, salad - cos lettuce, carrot, celery, cherry tomatos, sunflower seeds. Dark chocolate, pear and a satsuma.

                                I had an argument with my husband at dinner time and lost my appetite but ate anyway. I didn't like anything about dinner very much. I wish I could listen to myself and not eat if I don't feel like it. I feel very fat tonight and it feels as though my stomach is huge and bulging and hangin over my jeans.

                                Tomorrow I am definitely not having any snack and I'm not having breakfast for a few days either or I am going to get really FAT.

                                A ridiculous place my head went to today ( this is ED thinking in action). I am not underweight, therefore this means I am not technically anoroxic, therefore I'd better get underweight so I can be properly anorexic. What?!

                                Whatever this shitty feeling is, I hope it passes. I've realised with only eating primal foods - if I don't want to eat eggs then I;m not acutally hungry. I went scratching round in the pantry after dinner, was eyeing up the bread for some toast, picked at a piece of walnut, felt grossed out by dried fruit, realised I didn't want to eat eggs (when I'm hungry the thought of eggs has me salivating) and shut the door. Not Hungry Here. Day 10 of non-binging. Yay.
                                Here's my theory,
                                When you're overweight (and thus have a messed up metabolism) you can't trust your hunger signals. But when you're at a healthy weight, your body gets hungry for a good reason because your metabolism works fine. So in this case, it doesn't really matter if you keep on eating even if you're full, just make sure you wait until eating again until you're hungry again. So if you stuffed yourself (with healthy food) you don't have to purge by going through a period of hunger after, because a healthy metabolism will automatically make up your overeating by not feeling hungry very fast after overeating.
                                I hope you understand what I mean, english isnt my first language.

                                This is all just a theory though
                                well then

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