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Primal Feet First: In Search of Lost Time or Remembrance of Things Past

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  • Thanks for the thoughts and well wishes people.
    I wish there was a way that I could write this post that was easier than it is.
    There is no way.

    There has been a drain that I have been circling in wide lazy circles for a good long time now, somewhat hypnotized and paralyzed by the center horizon as only a person with clinical depression can be.
    I have been in denial.
    Putting on the game face and playing the "I'm fine" laughing it off tunes...
    Pretending the insomnia was just me reading when I haven't had the concentration to be able to finish a book in forever.
    Pretending.
    Distracting myself with small trivial things and pretending, and putting on the right faces, and losing chunks of time. I mean to do a thing and suddenly a weak has passed... or two, and I don't even realize.


    I won't go into the depth of it because there is no way to really explain it here.
    But mental health services will be involved immediately.
    My husband and I had a talk this morning after I haven't slept again even on the tranquilizers... and he was very upset.
    I feel numb still.
    Do you know how many times I've been asked this on a questionnaire question and responded "No", because that's what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to be strong and say I'm fine. They expect you to just answer a perfect stranger just like that... something I needed the confidence and reassurance of my husband to admit.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

    Comment


    • Hugs here also. I wish I could be of more help.
      "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

      B*tch-lite

      Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by cori93437 View Post
        Do you know how many times I've been asked this on a questionnaire question and responded "No", because that's what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to be strong and say I'm fine. They expect you to just answer a perfect stranger just like that... something I needed the confidence and reassurance of my husband to admit.
        Been there. A lot. It's so easy to lie & so easy to make it all a habit. I'm glad your husband is there in the way that you need.
        Depression Lies

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        • I've been in my version of the darkness more recently than I care to admit. If there is anything, concrete, virtual, anything I can do to help extend a ladder down to you, please let me know. The dark hole is no one's friend.
          Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
          My Latest Journal

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          • Words on a screen aren't much, but there's real feeling behind them to lend them weight - anything at all that I can do, let me know (I'm awake when your side of the world should be asleep so I offer hand holding for insomnia).
            I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

            Comment


            • Hey Cori!

              Big hugs, honey. Have my own lengthy stories, so I really, really know. Sigh. Glad that you are seeking help from the pros, though. I would hate for you to suffer a minute longer. Like everyone else here, if you want or need anything...
              I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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              • Peeking in...

                “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                Comment


                • I'm still around.
                  I come in here, to this journal, sometimes and I just don't know what to write. Where to start.

                  I feel like I need to start from where I left off to a degree, but I'm not sure how much of that needs to be in here.
                  So I'll do some "In Search of Lost Time/Remembrance of Things Past" chatter for now...

                  Last week sometime I hit one of those "special" numbers.
                  A number I've been waiting to hit for ages.
                  One of those numbers that you imagine is going to be a huge deal.
                  It was pretty much the most anticlimactic thing that has ever happened to me.

                  I'm a woman, so, if you are a woman too, you probably know the weighing ritual.
                  Wake up, pee, take off all the clothing, step on scale naked. This is the lightest you will be for the entire day.
                  This is THE number. (I don't do this every day BTW... just maybe once or twice a week, sometimes less.)
                  I looked at the scale, thought "Well, look at that... ", looked up into the mirror at my naked body and thought, "Jesus, you've got more work to do".
                  Off the scale and into the shower with a big *sigh*.

                  Later was a bit better.
                  My jeans have gotten saggy again so I closet shopped and found that my next size down pants from I don't even want to remember how many years ago now fit me, a bit snug at first but better than hitching them up every three steps like the current ones.
                  This includes a favorite pair of old Calvin Klein's.
                  That made me a little happier.

                  My husband told me I was ridiculous and was doing wonderful... but he's my husband and is a smart man, and knows that he has to say those things or else. LOL
                  We talk more lately, I try and be sure to tell him when I think I'm not having an appropriate response to a situation emotionally because of the other situation with me.
                  And I'm not sure about the weight thing.
                  Is that a typical reaction for some people? I don't know.
                  I mean I am still on the same track, I just don't care as much about the loss... I don't feel celebratory about it.
                  It just feels like it's part of the deal, not an extra mission to congratulate myself for. If that makes any sense?


                  Anyway.
                  Last night was my first night of sleeplessness in ages.
                  I read that awful, ridiculous, Peat thread.
                  The only thing good about it was that cute Hitler Pony.
                  I'm retreating back to peeking into Journals and skipping the other forums again for a while.

                  And maybe posting here more if I can figure out what to say about "stuff".
                  “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                  ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                  And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                  Comment


                  • So, so happy you're posting (and peaking, but only peak for giggles, m'kay?).
                    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                    Comment


                    • Hi Cori! It's good to see you journaling again. I shall celebrate for you. Next time I get up for something, I'll do a small happy dance in honor of you going down a pant size (or two). Here's an advance preview:

                      "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                      B*tch-lite

                      Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

                      Comment


                      • Hi Cori. I know that anti-climactic feeling all too well. I don't do many happy dances on the scale anymore. I think it just goes to show we don't put as much stock in that number as we thought we do. I tend to post it on Facebook, MFP or here in an effort to get some form of excitement out of it, but usually don't find what I'm looking for. In any event, congratulations!
                        Primal since March 5, 2012
                        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                        • That thing that happened was pretty stressful, not just for me but for husband too of course.

                          However, as always he is by my side and standing strong even though things got a pretty shaky.
                          The rocky patch is smoothing out, we're communicating, things are getting better.
                          And I'm reminded once again that I'm truly a lucky girl.

                          Last edited by cori93437; 08-13-2013, 09:35 PM.
                          “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                          ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                          And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                          Comment


                          • Awwww... someone is feeling SO sappy.

                            It's just our wedding song.
                            “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                            ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                            And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                            Comment


                            • Sappy is good. Sometimes I wish I had something to be sappy about. Then I just growl at a small child and go on my way. LOL (Not really.)
                              "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

                              B*tch-lite

                              Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.

                              Comment


                              • Dear and The Headlights - I Just Do - YouTube

                                Hulky and I agreed that this is our song.
                                Depression Lies

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