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Primal Feet First: In Search of Lost Time or Remembrance of Things Past

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  • Cori, I know you are dealing with your own set of fears around this, and I admire you for finding a way to manage it a bit through learning and planning. I watched my mother deal with some of the same fears through her illness (brain tumour, three surgeries, she had a shunt too). I think it's hard for anyone who hasn't been there to really understand it, but I know a little bit of how she coped, and like you, she put everything in order before her first surgery and then did a lot of research. I think it gave her more of a sense of control to have a plan and some knowledge. That can freak people out because it can look morbid from the outside, but really, it makes a lot of sense in the situation.

    I'm glad you have a sense of humour about it. Mum offered to let the brain surgeon know what was on our list of things to take out while she was in there rummaging around anyhow. We also teased her that she was really just going in for surgery so she could check out all the hot doctors at the hospital. You have to laugh at scary things--it's like kicking the bad clown in the junk, you do it to take some of the power out of the fear.

    Plus, you know, you're also just kind of like that, which is part of what makes you so great to have around here.

    And the reef idea is beautiful.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

    Owly's Journal


    • I skipped the videos because I'm at work, but I'm glad you got to go to the fight. It's good to have things in order. If anything happens to you, your husband will be devistated. But don't forget the other side. When this is all healed up, you might be able to go to the fights again without being knocked on your ass for a week. Which'll be pretty cool

      I was all for the mohawk until you mentioned GI Jane. Now I'm torn, but leaning toward the mohawk. Mostly for the "You should see the other guy" factor once it's healed up a bit My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

      Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

      And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula


      • You could go for a chelsea, which is basically just some fringe in the front. Or Tank Girl! =P

        That would allow for bald patches without looking too strange while it grows out. It could easily become a pixie-cut and then a shorter jaw-length (which I think you're sporting now?) style later on.

        My head is too tiny to pull it off, but I've tossed around the idea of a chelsea on and off for several years. Plus my hair gets super spiky when it's 3/4" or shorter.
        Last edited by namelesswonder; 07-24-2012, 07:59 AM.
        Depression Lies


        • Wow - serious stuff! I also think you are showing your love when you prepare for the unknown. Getting rid of old junk is liberating no matter the reason and having all this stuff planned out will give you peace of mind. Before my recent trip (not an illness or any reason to think I may not be back), I paid the bills that don't show up in the mail (you know, the coupon kind) for the rest of the year since I knew my hubby would never find/figure out this stuff and did a bunch of filing and sorting. FWIW, I have a strong sense that things are about to get much better for you in the near future.


          • After I made that post I considered that it may seem a bit morbid or weird...
            But then I was all like... nah! They'll get it.

            We all have to face our own mortality eventually, so I might as well face it constructively and in a timely manner.
            This evening I told husband that I had been researching it and that I intended to do the whole Will and Advance Directive thing.
            I explained that I didn't want to leave him wondering where to start if something happened, and that if I were to need unplugging or something family couldn't argue and there wouldn't be problems of it were all written out in black and white. And notarized and made legal!
            Also there couldn't be any fussing about my remains.
            After any tissue that can be used is taken... which is likely NONE with my medical history...
            But hey... if they think they can use it, they can have it!
            I know what I want, and it doesn't involve churches, and embalming, and silly expensive boxes.
            And NO preachy crap either.
            He agreed with me.
            Then decided to get on board and do the same thing.
            So, Wills and Advanced Directives for two please!

            As for hair...
            I'll make more decisions about that once the doc lets me know where incisions will likely be.
            I've seen a few different placement areas and incision types for the Sha-jay-jay...
            Lots of them look like the regular C flap...
            Like so.

            Others aren't quite as curved... more like a rounded 90*ish (or less) corner... others look almost like a question mark.
            (I do admit that the ones shaped like a question mark on the head amuse me, and are a favorite. Seriously... how can you not love that? )
            Also, placement my be far forward towards the front hairline as shown, sort of in the middle over the ear, or further back above/behind the ear.
            In some I've seen two surgical openings... one as shown towards the front... and a smaller straighter incision far enough behind the ear to be in the hair.
            So... it's all about placement...
            If I am supposed to have a big incision near the front the Chelsea is out... if they are going to stick to the back of my head... it looks like a decent option.
            I think I could get away with no maintenance of that for a couple of months without going nuts.
            Regardless... I'm not leaving things to chance and winding up with that Lame-O bald patch in the middle of my head.
            If I have to do it, I'm doing it MY way.
            “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
            ~Friedrich Nietzsche
            And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


            • nah, not too morbid. very serious, heavy stuff, but not too morbid. i'm glad you shared it with us. I really need to get on the Will thing. i think hubby and i are getting life insurance soon, the biggest decision will be who gets the kids if we all kick the bucket. it's really tough, no one will parent quite as we do of course. i could care less what happens to anything else, but of course whoever gets the kids also takes responsibility for our material wealth (*scoff*) until the kids are adults.
              my primal journal:


              • The will and directive really is important. I was really glad that my mother had put all that stuff together when she was first diagnosed, and then we sat down and talked really honestly and openly about her wishes. It also meant that I could shove all that in my awful aunt's face when she was trying to bully the nurses into measures I knew my mother wouldn't want. It's hard for people who love someone to make those decisions in an emotional state, so doing it now helps you and them.

                Hopefully it's not needed and all goes well, but organizing all that is probably one of the most loving things you can do for the people who care about you.
                “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                Owly's Journal


                • The Will and Advanced directive thing is really for my husband.
                  I mean, I obviously have preferences... but I'll be gone and it really won't matter much to ME at that point.
                  But I think that he would like to honor my wishes, and he really knows what those are just from talking... but it will be easier if it's all in one place for him to find, and in black and white so that he can just pop out the paper and say 'Sorry, but this is what SHE wanted" if anyone has other things in mind.
                  Words like that tend to keep people at bay who are trying to make a loved ones death fit their own needs.

                  Weirdness this weekend.
                  I'm home alone.
                  As I posted in the GOTD thread my MiL is very sick in the hospital, her husband is being an absolute AssShat, and husband needed to take off work and go to NC to be with her and handle the situation.
                  So, husband left very early Thursday morning, waaaaay before I was awake, and I'm home alone!
                  It's a little weird since he is basically the only person that I speak to, so things are VERY quiet here.
                  It's not bad though.
                  I watched a movie on Netflix last night... Snow Flower and the Secret Fan... a very nice adaptation of the book IMO.
                  I talk to my dogs a little, but mostly we just hang out and be quiet.
                  I read... they sleep.
                  My big guy Tommy, the white GSD, seems to know that something is up since daddy isn't home and is staying right next to me doing a job he has decided he needs to do... playing at being a guard dog. LOL

                  I love my guy. Dog... whatever. He's muh boy!
                  He's a natural... and I do have to books for training him for service in my car at Amazon awaiting my next order.

                  Dear sweet husband will be home on Sunday because I have to go see the new NeurosurgeonDoctorGuy on Monday morning...
                  A bit strangely the appointment to see the NS corresponds to almost exactly 1 year on me being sick.
                  So... I have an anniversary coming up...
                  The anniversary of my notsohappyERunfuntimes... wondering how to celebrate.
                  Yes, celebrate!
                  I was pretty sure I was going to die...
                  Losing bodily functions in front of strange people who have you mostly naked should totally be more distressing.
                  It's only mildly embarrassing in hindsight, and I feel a little weird that I was conscious of it but had no reaction at all, other than wanting to close my eyes and rest and find peace.
                  Anyway... Since I didn't die a celebration is definitely in order!
                  I be working on what it might be...
                  Would be really nuts if the doc schedules me for surgery that day...
                  Like Twilight Zone worthy.

                  Now... back to reading and being quiet.
                  And feeling all gross tummied... because I made a very lean dinner (my one meal of the day, which husband had to goad me into eating via text)... then felt guilty topped it off with some coconut milk so get some calories in me because I was WAY under for the day. BLEH!
                  My tummy says Noooooooo!
                  That CICO thread has me all conscious of calories...
                  And I just have no clue WTF I'm supposed to do.
                  It makes me really feel like I'm doing damage... but what the hell.
                  I'm the freaking "Special Snowflake" queen...
                  Has anyone seen my cubic zirconium tiara?
                  Last edited by cori93437; 07-27-2012, 09:35 PM.
                  “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                  ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                  And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


                  • I'm glad you have your guy there. Before hubby coming back, so many nights I wished i had a big beautiful dog sleeping at the foot of my bed with me.
                    my primal journal:


                    • My dogs always make me feel better when my partner is away. Your guy is a very sweet and loyal looking beastie.
                      “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                      Owly's Journal


                      • My honey is gonna be home soon!

                        Also, I spent part of my alone time this weekend getting rid of clothing...
                        "Too big" clothing!
                        Including "too big" yoga pants!
                        When yoga pants are too big, you KNOW it's time to...

                        Other good news about clothes sorting... I found some smaller sized replacement jeans in my stash that fit, and are in good shape. As well as a few nice pairs for when I'm down another 10 or so pounds.
                        I HATE shopping, so this makes me happy.

                        I am admittedly still holding on to a couple of favorite pairs of super baggy sweat pants... they have they WIDE low waist band that is awesome, and they "hang from my hips" just like in that 50 shades book... it is however NOT sexy. It actually looks frumpy as hell. Just sayn.
                        They will probably need to be tossed soon... cause they aren't far from just plain fall off baggy. I had to retire one pair of them because the string broke and they won't stay up anymore... I assume the string broke from age... it was NOT under any stress even when pulling them on and off.
                        I also have TOO many hoodies... I mean I have like 10... and we had maybe 10 total days cold enough to even wear them last year.
                        I got rid of two big sweat shirts- 1 hoodie. I LOVE hoodies... and they are comfy even 3 sizes too big, so... I think that I'll wait until winter and any that I just am not wearing at all can go then.

                        I also found some old conventional shoes... tossed them!
                        And lost one of the two pounds I gained during the Debauchery Makes Cori Munch on Too Many Mangoes Time.
                        Last edited by cori93437; 07-29-2012, 05:24 PM.
                        “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                        ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                        And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


                        • Ok...
                          I got excited too quick.
                          Husband was tired and went to take a nap almost immediately.
                          Of course... in the 5 minutes or so that we chatted I spoke more than I have since Wednesday.
                          He was laughing at me because I never once turned on the TV...

                          Tonight probably I'll be silly and not sleep because tomorrow is my Neurosurgeon appointment.
                          Nerves. Bleh.
                          “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                          ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                          And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


                          • Things that happened on Monday...

                            I didn't sleep enough and had to get up too early.
                            I drank delicious iced coffee and that made it better.
                            I went to husbands office with him and chatted with his 'office wives' for a little while before we had to leave.
                            Found the neurosurgeons office very easily thanks to the modern convenience of that big ol' GPS int he dash of the car.
                            Filled out a crap-ton of paperwork. (Ughhh- 'new patient' stuff sucks.)
                            Met the really awesome and nice neurosurgeon.
                            Discussed my issues and talked plans.
                            Got shown a real Sha-jay-jay... the kind they put in your head.
                            Found out that my doc really things I'll be better off with the thing stuck in my head.
                            Digging around in/near the other appliance and wiring in my back is just asking for trouble I guess.
                            Found out that he does the incision close to the front just like in the picture I posted. (This)

                            So hair cutting/shaving will have to coordinate.
                            I'm SO asking the doc to make it look like a question mark.
                            He's kind of a happy/laughs kind of doc... so even if he says 'no', he'll get a chuckle out of it.

                            So... I have to do some things first.
                            He is sending me to have a special MRI head only procedure that is safe for me.
                            Very special I guess as no other doctor has come up with this... they all just assumed I could do it because of my other issue.
                            I have to have another Lumbar Puncture to check current pressure.
                            And I have to have my neuro-stim generator interrogated by a Medtronic rep.
                            Strangely this last bit is the hardest to accomplish because I have to go through the VA to have it done.
                            And dealing with the VA is kind of like trying to yourself buy sucking the exhaust directly out of a hot tail pipe.
                            Fucking unpleasant

                            Anyway... Doc says he's sure I'm a few short steps away from hole drilling time.
                            Once those steps are complete, assuming nothing crazy shows up on the tests, it's on to scheduling the surgery.
                            Being in his office and talking/listening a lot wore me out...
                            I'm all painful and feel like I've been beat up, and dog tired.
                            I had husband take me to lunch before he dropped me at home and headed back to work.
                            Yummy Cuban pork!
                            But after eating that I told husband that there was no way I could eat dinner too...
                            So he said we could skip dinner and brought me home a piece of that ganache covered cheesecake.
                            I'm going to use it to wash down some magic tylenol.

                            He's a good man.

                            Between husband and Doc there was also a direct confirmation that I am a special snowflake.
                            How about that...
                            It's legit now!
                            Last edited by cori93437; 07-30-2012, 03:34 PM.
                            “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                            ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                            And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


                            • i'm happy for youuuuu
                              yeah you are

                              Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.


                              • awww...
                                Originally posted by cori93437 View Post

                                my primal journal: